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HAPPY BDAY to Bella Baggins (7/6) and the BIGS (7/13)

Friday, December 31, 2010

NYE...hurray for you and me

It is 12.31.2010 at 9:47am in Chicago. I am sitting in my new office on my day off because I wanted to decorate this bitch. Yeah, that's right i went in on my day off which most of you are laughing at since many of you bastards don't think I work hard on normal days. Well here I am figuring out where to put my Homer Simpson doll. I am worried about the lines and colors, and whether my massive new laptop will block people when they come in here to talk to me about computers.

dull right? Not for my ass! When I step back and realize why I am even here in the first place I smile. See, I could be at home right now on my day off thinking of news ways to loathe going back to work on Monday if i were still stuck at my previous gig. Instead, I am happily sitting in the most comfortable chair I have ever sat in, overlooking the river,the L Train and a great slice of Chicago. So, since I am almost tired of rubbing this in ur faces...sorry LU...I felt like going back over the year.

Beginning of the year my old company finally died and was buried. Then it was unceremoniously dug up, defecated on, and dragged through the streets until it was barely recognizable. If that wasn't enough, limbs were chopped and it was mocked using them. All the while, we were told this was ok, and that we should "SUCK IT UP AND QUIT COMPLAINING!". Friends and colleagues vanished like Hitler was still in charge and was hell bent on ridding the world of good people.

In the middle of all this, I decided to drop off this huge anchor that was weighing me down. I mean I am short already, and this hunk of iron was robbing me of my full height and pomp! So, on a beautiful day in July, I went to the Lake and dropped that bitch off in the water. I made sure to stick around and watch it sink the bottom. I wouldn't say I reveled in it or anything...I was just making sure it wasn't still stuck to me somehow.

That was the bad...or good as in the case of shedding the iron, but 2010 was just prepping me for the good. For instance, I got a new car. 2005 Jetta! Yep, I went all the way to Florida to go scoop that up and the owner was nice enough to come with me and make sure I was happy with the purchase and the ride. Then she even cooked me dinner, and watched movies with me. I tell you, if you get a chance, head to FL...they have great people there!

I was able to fully enjoy my time with the greatest human son. He is the lilMAN, in case you just stumbled across this blog. He is 3 years old of positive energy. Over the past year i have cemented my groove and routine with him, only to have him change it up on me. He keeps me on my toes and I love it. Our battles of wit and will entertain me like no other. Yes he is three, but his imagination and creativity have reinvigorated me. Or at the very least made me see past all the crap that COULD tie one down.

Cooking has become a new thing for me. I dont do it as much as I like but being able to throw some things together has been fun. Doing it with my mom and that awesome Jetta owner made it even better. Who knew charring flesh, drowning life in a boiling water or oil could be so much fun or delicious. Oh Dexter, you are one clever bastard.

In sports, well, watching DROSE destroy people and make sportscasters gush over this great city again has been a pleasure. It truly sucked being a huge city and watching your teams fail and cry poverty. The Bears have also stepped up and dragged these haters out of the woodwork. Nothing truly could make me happier. Well except for another White Sox World Series and a futile Cubs Season.

So 2011, you have some work to do. Step your game up. Last year i proclaimed that 2010 was going to be a great year, and it was. Ups, downs, fights or love, whatever happens happens. You can only embrace it, lay it down, stare deeply into its eyes, and say...I love lets get it on! In a few short hours i will be annihilating some of the most delicious courses one could ask for. Afterward, I will call my son, and we will chat about sports, his love of trains and the upcoming financial climate the country will face. Soon after that, we will engage in a bloody battles of board games and shit talking. It will all take a break at 11:58pm when we will pour out champagne, and get ready to bring in the new year. Sitting here in my comfortable chair, with the low rumble of the L behind me, i can only smile...2010 was good...2011 here we come.


Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Rant Volume Version 12.1

  • It is better to be poor and alone than be stuck in a loveless shitty relationship. what ends up happening is you are neither alone or poor, but that is our great fear...kinda like getting fired. You fear being poor and hungry and what ends of happening is that your shiftless ass gets it together and you end up better off.
  • Forgiveness sucks. I know that doesnt sound Christ-like or whatever, but it does. I recently went to the dentist only to have him tell me i ground down my left canine tooth. It must have been from all that shit i had to look the other way on. I am not a kind hearted person by any means, but sometimes it is for the best. Plotting that many murders would take a toll on you.
  • I realized that a ton of sports "fans" aren't really sports fans. They are number crunchers playing the stock market. They are gamblers with no money riding on the event! Look at Fantasy GMs. Go ahead, they are easy to find. Now watch a game with them and you will see they are cheering AGAINST THEIR FUCKING TEAM! How did this happen? Who made this cool? I want to strangle a bitch. A fan is a fan is a fan! Be a fan of your team. Root for your fucking team. Hate the other team. You can respect the other team, but there better be a heaping spoonful of hate mixed in.
  • Also, if you are from a Podunk town that has no major team in the sport you love, you are allowed to choose your team from professional league of your choice in the order that follows.
    - the Team NEAREST to your shitty town
    - the team your parents rooted for, or any other inspiring role model
    - the team your spouse/girlfriend/boyfriend or whoever is giving u ass cheers for
    - the team your friends root for and therefore gives u something to bond over

    That's it. It is not acceptable to turn on the TV during the championship game of that particular sport and pick the winning team as your team unless you live internationally and dont know shit about shit. If that is case, fine. You can have that team, but when a die-hard fan talks admiringly about their team..SHUT THE FUCK UP. Don't get puffy chested about how AWESOME "your" adopted team is. You look like a fucking fool talking to a real fan about love and passion when you merely turned on the TV and picked the team with the shiny trophy. After 10 years of pain and heartache and cheering for that adopted team through thick and think may you open your mouth, and even then you still should temper your nonsense a bit. 15 years for Yankees fans because of your propensity to not know shit about shit, yet act like you're a die-hard fan is retarded on a monumental scale.
  • Bears fans are Cubs fans mixed with Sox Fans. We are die-hard and travel well. Bears fans love that team so much, we still believe Ditka is a great coach. some believe he founded the team, and not just played for it and coached it. Others believe he secretly still coaches the team from the ESPN studio he works on. Where we mix Sox fan sensibility is that we are very hard on that team. Every fuck up is met anger and doubt. We are pessimistic fans! Unlike Cub fans who think every year is the year, we actually need to see a trophy in our hands riding down Michigan avenue in order to believe. We will also defend them with passion. We go out of our way to diss the Packers for no reason...much like a Sox fan spews vile at a poor Cubs fan for fun. This team is our bonding point!
  • Californication is required viewing for parents and couples. If you know nothing about the show, watch it anyway. Essentially, it reveals the worst and best in humanity. It also features soft core porn, awesome dialogue between characters, and more soft core porn.
  • When you get older, it is harder to establish time with your friends. This of course is bullshit, but true. Friends might need therapy like a counselor, but we never get it. Nope, we trudge on and remember we are friends and in the end it will all work out. In the end we will always be "boys" or "Girls" and the 3 month break of limited convo has no bearing or ill effect on that. Nope, when you finally get together all that shit is forgotten and your back where you were. No harm no foul! Remarkable right? Yet our divorce rate is 50%! There are millions of books telling you how to date and doing it badly. There are experts on TV making bucks on ur shitty love life. My point...we forgot to be friends with the people we fucking. The fucking replaced the friendship. Be smart...fuck ur friend!
  • When is a good time to speak your mind to someone? Do we need to schedule this shit like a dentist appointment for a good time that works for the asshole you want to talk to? How does that work? I truly believe it robs some of the power of the rant. I say forget nicely scheduled interventions, and bring in the guerrilla tactics used so successfully all over Central America. If your on my list, you best be ready at all times. Church, your place of employment, shower stall, wherever! I am not waiting for festivus to air out my grievances. I also wont wait for your birthday to tell you how cool you are. Speaking your mind doesnt have to mean i am going to bitch you out. Embrace that people...and keep your head on a swivel!

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

More Things that make me say, "I don't give a shit"

Back by Popular demand, the list of things I donlt give a shit about grows!

1)  Lindsey Lohan is drinking, clubbing, and snorting coke off of hooker's asses while in Rehab.

2) mancow went from small station, to bigger station, to biggest station, to pissing on the deal howard stern got with satellite radio, and is now broadcasting from my garage.  His garage broadcasts are way better then howard stern.  Howard Stern returned my call and said "Well, i can swear on my show."  I said "I don';lt give a shit, you can swear in the woods too, either way no one will hear that shit."  I also said "Motherfucking Osam aBin Laden could be your co-host and for 12 years no one would find him."  He wept bitterly

3)  Lady gaga lets fans grope her.

4)  Jay Mohr is only still relevant because he does a funny Tracy Morgan Impression.  Tracy Morgan dies today of kidney transplant complications.  So thats 2 careers dead.  Where on earth will we find a black man to act ridiculous and get all loud and shit at wildly innappropriate times, increasing the humor?

5) Jacob O'Donnel.  Just kidding, I do not know who this person is.  They did not exist until they lashed out at me for my blog posts.  You are most definitely on my radar now, and i hope that with every word, every line I write, you see that anyone can rip on someone else's creation, but only true genuis can create.  Not just kinda good, or not too shabby, i'm talking about true genuis.  My pen is made of Unicorn horn, my ink is dragon blood, thats how rare my shit is.  I wake up in the morning and piss excellence.  Excellence and Ciroc Vodka, the finest of vodkas. 

6) The one reason why Black Swan got so much attention is because there’s a scene where Mila Kunis essentially pounces on Natalie Portman and goes down on her. Another reason was Darren Aronofskys ability to tell a complex story about a downward spiral into madness. But really it was that first one, about lesbians and pussy.  Hollywood is full of sexual degenerates, and they reward sexual depravity in an effort to blur the lines between art and porno. 

7)  The POPE spoke about about condom use as an effective means to prevent disease, but then backtracked and said that he did not approve condom use.  This is like Johnner talking about sports, non-pointy shoes, or anything related to popular culture, religion, politics, world news, history, art, current events, fiscal responsibility, etc.  This is like P DIDDY judging a rap contest, J Lo judging American Idol, rock and roll speaking out against drug use.  it makes no sense, and one should disregard the source

8)  The FCC just voted to approve regulations that ensure net neutrality, making it unlawful for bigger companies to pay for more exposure, faster connections, and premuim treatment.  Tuesday's vote is the culmination of five years of fighting over how best to ensure the free flow of information in all its forms over the internet.  The bigger companies are upset, becazuse this means that phones with ANY company or ANY Service will be able to stream videos and content at the same speeds.  Apple and IPHONE were devastated that they will have to slum it with the low-techies like myself.  My question is, will jerky snobs still line up to pay apple and AT&T exorbitant fees for service they can get anywhere?

9) Terrel Owens.  Hurt his knee, is out for the year, and hopfully the career of one of the most hated men in pro football is over.  Was he good?  yes.  Was he the best?  Fuck no.  Was he a pariah on every team he played on?  Yes.  Did he blame everyone else for his shortcomings?  Yes.  Will he try vainly to stick around longe past his prime al la Brett Farve? Yes.  Should he have retired 4 years ago?  Yes.  Did he ever find love on his reality show?  Who knows, I cannot find anyone who ever saw it.  I bet he marries a NBA wife/baby mamma/concubine just for the TV time. 

10)  The Punter for the New York Giants kicked it to DeSean Jackson, who promptly returned it for a game-winning score.  "I thought we could take him"  he said.  Who cares, YOU'RE A PUNTER.  Even the punters in NYC are jerks. 

11)  I had a group of tow-truck drivers complain about the blog.  I told them my story, and thery agreed that the tow truck driver I dealth with acted hastily.  They asked me to write a retraction to my blog post and apoligize.  Here goes:  "At least you're not NY Giants fans, cause then I would really hate you!"

Jokey Jokemaker

The many Reasons Why Eli Manning, Qurterback for the New York Giants, sucks

Hello friends,

     It is I, The Handsome Right-hander, and I have returned with a list of reasons why Eli Manning sucks. 

1)  He lives in New York

2)  He is a whiner, which is saying he is a perfectionist without he himself being perfect.

3)  He pouts when recivers do not catch his wildly thrown passes

4)  When recievers miraculously catch his shitty throws, he acts like he is Joe freakin Montana, the best tackler ever in te NFL.

5)  The lone SuperBowl win, was a result of him running for his life and throwing up a prayer that a superb athlete caught.  It could have been almost anyone throwing that.  The team may be the luckiest team to win, but not the most skilled. 

6)  He acts like he team goes to the Superbowl every year

7)  His team gets to the playoffs often, but i guarantee that every year, 12 teams go to the playoffs, and 11 will go home losers.  This time-tested argument is like saying, "Once i woke up and won the lottery, so from now on, every morning i wake up, I will win the lottery."

8)  He looks like a horse

9)  Every year, his team goes through some turmoil, and every year someone steps up and takes leadership of the team.  Every year, its someone other than Eli Manning

10) I am still upset he pouted like a kid when he got drafted by San Diego, a team with a stud defense and good running game.  He demanded and got a trade to New York, a team with a stud defense and good running game.  He went to NYC for the glitz and glamour, indirectly creating in NYC the notion that years later, LEBRON JAMES would do the same. 

11) The team has stood for smoke and mirrors, all style and substance, and attracting the types of fans that are the same.  They all wear Manning jerseys

12) Ex-Giant Hall Of Famer Lawrence Taylor rapes teenage girls, and is a good friend of Eli Manning

13) The got rid of Jeremy Shockey because he was too self centered and full of smoke and mirrors, style with no substance, and claim it was bad for the team.  Eli went and demanded they get rid of him, and pouted till they did

14) the New York Giants play all their home games in New Jersey, and Eli Manning is a jerk

15) Eli manning's team lost on a last second touchdown to the Eagles, and all reporters were disgusted with the play of the giants.  ELi waited in the press room for the crowds to ask him about the game.  No one showed except a dude who had smoked the bomb-ass Kush weed in the hallway lookijng for a place to catch a nap.  As soon as that dude walked in, Eli starts a conference no one heard.  The dude did not have a tape recorder, and dozed off soon after it started


The many reasons why New York Sucks

Dear friends,

it is I, THE Jokey Jokemaker, and I have returned to write about why New York sucks.  New York is the largest city in the United States.  It is full of many assholes. Thank you.

Jokey Jokemaker


Friday, December 17, 2010


It is XMAS season and I hope all of you are enjoying it with your fam and friends. We here at Fourwinds thank you once again for reading our blog, and laughing at Jokey's jokes. That man has put hundreds of hours in the lab to create some fine bathroom material.

Some tips for you for this loving giving season.
  • If you didnt get what you wanted, and you are over 10 years old...please do the right thing and thank the person and DISCREETLY return the gift with some excuse like "it didnt fit" or "i had one already". If you do otherwise you are open to a punch in the face. There is no need to act like a brat no matter rich or baller you think you are!
  • the best gifts are the ones people like. If they pick out an ugly shirt, get them the ugly shirt or a gift card to the store that sells that piece of shit. Do not try to impress your ideas of fashion on people because chances are you they will have to perform step one above or punch you in the face!
  • Your kid believe in Santa Claus until he/she tells u they don't. Quit asking them if they believe in hopes they tell you they dont so you can finally get credit for spending paychecks to get Japanese robots they wont play with in a month.
  • If for some reason you dont like your inlaws...suck it up and act like an adult. Show some grace, flair, and aplomb. Pretend you have more acting talent than Mark Wahlberg and act like you are having a good time. Here is a know how happy your spouse is at your family's house...that shit is an act. Learn!
  • Do not drink copious amounts of alcohol if you cannot control your mouth, bowels, or rage. No one needs to see you pissing on the presents an smashing the tree all because you believe that Xmas is nothing but a commercialized socialist project designed to make you buy shit you dont want.
Above all, have a great time. This is XMAS and no matter what you should enjoy it. Share the holidays with your fam and friends. Raise a glass or two and remember that the Romans moved the birthday of Christ to this day so that Pagans wouldnt be able to celebrate debaucherously in peace. Or you can just enjoy all those awesome gifts with your super cool in-laws while drinking copious amounts of alcohol.

MERRY XMAS my people


when keeping it real....

So it has been way too damn long since i have written anything for this blog. My account was almost deactivated from lack of use and this place was just that close to falling solely under Jokey reign. Trust unbridled Jokey is good for no one. His personalities would multiply faster than a welfare mom's kids, or that white chick Kate Gosselin and who the hell knows how that would end up.

what woke me up you ask? Oh you didnt ask? I dont care, because I am going to tell you anyway. It was being called out by Jokey...and it wasnt so much that he called me out, as it was that he was writing my columns. Sure, he renamed it from the RANT VOL, but I got it. It was time for me to I thank you Jokey. (he is clearly still pissed about Bucky!!!)

So what has kept me away? Simply, i couldnt write what i wanted to. I felt too much of me was being scrutinized on here and so i had to censor myself. I had to make the columns about something else, and that doesnt work for a loudmouth like me. I need to spit real shit, or atleast whatever i feel is real. That quite simply is hard to do when people use it courts of law. I felt like any rapper pleading to the courts that despite their album being called "Fuck the white pigs" that they actually liked the police.

Well now, i dont care. I am tired of people going around unchecked and you know who you are! Yeah...this bastard is back! So, is some shit I dont give a shit about....

  • Mancow...overrated..overhyped, and shitty version of Stern

  • ESPN's habit of killing Favre at every turn, then as soon as he misses a game the love fest that ensued. It was nuts. Make up your minds. They acted like a certain psychotic ex that i once had. They are one rabbit and some boiling water away...

  • nonIPHONEs...if ur shit was any good you wouldnt have to keep mentioning the iPhone. Droid these nuts you plastic pieces of shit

Things I am really respecting right now:

  • Chicago Wind...will get its own blog

  • Derrick Rose's crossover/ and video coming


Mark Whalberg reacts to being the only actor not nominated for any awards in a movie he stars/directs/and produces

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Things that make me say "I don't give a shit"

Hello evildoers,

     Once again, I am bored as shit and decided to blog to talk about things people have told me, that have eleicited a response in the vein of "I don't give a shit."

1)  Michael Jackson just released a new album.

2)  Apparently there are 4 members in the Black Eyed Peas, I thought it was the white broad, and the black dude with the stupid sunglasses. 

3) Jennifer Anniston is in another movie where she loves and loses and learns after trial and tribulations to love again. 

4)  Marky Mark Whalberg has gotten up super-every morning for the last 4 years to train and box to prepare for his role as IRISH Mickey Ward in THE FIGHTER

5) Kate Gosslein had 2 of her 300 kids kicked out of school for fighting/biting/and cursing at teachers and students. 

6) Bristol Palin is considering writing a book

7)  Angelina Jolie got a best actress nomination for her role in, The Tourist, and has a great ass.

8)  Women become increasingly more vain when all they have are looks and a bullshit sense of entitlement.

9)  Its the birthday of the girl in black.

10) The chicago cubs are fuck.  I got bored with it before i even finished the sentence.

11)  The Q101 jingle bash will be headlined by music groups like The Lovehammers, local bands, etc.

12)  Congress came really close, I mean REALLY REALLY CLOSE to opening up the fucking 3 ring binder that had all the information that shows why supporting the DREAM Act is the best move.  REALLY CLOSE!

13) Rahm Emmanuel insists he is a Chi-town guy at heart.  Let us remember that on his resume, under references, IS THE FUCKING PRESIDENT OF THE USA.

14)  Brett Farve says that his shoulder has improved from FUCKING FALLING OFF all the way up to AGONIZING TORTURE, which means he could play Monday Vs the BEARS.

15) Lebron James and the Miami Heat have been dpoing well lately, when everybody agreed that Dwayne Wade is the best player on that team.

16)  Carmelo Anthony has said he will only sign with the New York Knicks, even though their most effective player to date has been wilson chandler, who plays like a power forward at the Small Forward spot.  Everybody knows that AMARE would much rather play offense and not focus on playing even the shittiest of defense.

17)  The knicks got fat off of bad teams

18)  Johnner continues to argue he is a yankees fan to the bone, even though he was born in Honduras

19)  The state of Illinois fully expects people who have bought anything online from 2004-2010 to back-pay any sales tax they avoided by purchasing things online.

20) T-Pain will be perfroming at our College's Christmas party as the secret surprise guest.  he smells of Jean Paul Gualtier Cologne and Subway Sandwiches.   

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Things I think I think

hello evildoers,

     It is I, THE Jokeyjokemaker, here with a new batch of thoughts to get you through the cold days ahead.

1) Tow truck companies suck.  if you own a company, work for a company, or know of one, then not only do i wish you ill will, but i would like to extend a hearty fuck you too.

2)  The San Diego Football Chargers are like the Chicago Cubs, in that so much is expected of them every year, and every year, they fail in spectacular fashion to deliver on the promise.  I mean its like every marky Mark Whalberg movie role.  Wether it be bank robber, boxer, stalker, wannabe dectective, he sucks in all of them.  His best role, taking into account he role he plays in "The FIGHTER" is still the crazy stalker in FEAR.  "JUST LET ME IN THE HOUSE!"

3) Jimmy is a horrible shell of a man

4) Danny Gaona enjoys drinking shitty beer

5)  My new job is very stressful, and very rewarding.  If I can get it to where it needs to be, i will have created 1000+ jobs in the first year.  Take that OBAMA.  Sorry, I apoligize. Lets grab a beer and have a dialogue.  No?  C'mon.  Later?   No, I need definite answers.  Talk to Biden?  NO!   JUST LET ME IN THE HOUSE!

6)  The New York Yankees are learning that the chance to be an asshole, live in the same city as the new york mets, and the highest contract offer do not always mean you will land your man.  I bet Jay-z and Alicia keys wont have a song about that hit the charts anytime soon. 

7)  We need to Invade Canada or some shit because these 40 dollar gas fill ups are killing me. 

8)  Obama needs to met me in the house

9)  The DREAM Act will not pass because that eliminates a scapegoat that Dems and Rep's can blame for society's ills.

10)  I will be joining the green party, and working to extend citizenship contracts printed with vegetable dyes on recycleable paper to anyone who is so determined to become an American that they would fight our bullshit wars, brave our daunting school system, or perform thousands of hours of community service just for the CHANCE to be an American.  

11)  After a long layoff, i still got the magic touch

12)  I also still have the magic stick

13)  You should write your local congressperson, and urge them to tell Obama to let me in the house.



Wednesday, November 10, 2010

NFL - Gentleman league?

So the NFL, a popular sporting organization in America, is ''shocked' at league violence, and is now clamping down on players who hit other players really hard.  "They must be made to pay!" people shout.  That same person will screm and holler if a tighe end like faggoty Greg olsen runs for the sideline instead of lowering his shoulder for those 3 extra yards Apparently violence is unacceptable in a league which harbors 'semi-convicted' felons from the law. Players like:

1. Ray Lewis, who may or may have killed a man outside of a nightclub.

2. James Harrisson, who beat his wife, and the Arizona Cardinals within weeks of each other last year.

3.)Rae Carruth, the ex Panthers receiver, convicted of conspiring to kill a woman who at the time was carrying his child (As told by the Kings of Comedy).

4. Eugene Robinson, who paid an undercover officer named Ismael Julio Lopez for a blowjob the night before his third Superbowl start. I didn't know players often had to 'warm up' on a cop's face. Sure this isn't violent, but its fucking hilarious.

5. Tom Brady, who has children out of wedlock

6.  Antonio Cromartie - who celebreates every game played by impregnating a local nearby woman

How does the league not expect violence with alleged murderers and rapists on the field? That's like having a bunch of chefs hang out at your house, and then being SHOCKED when some of them put on really poofy  hats and try to make fritters.  How does a league that is planning on lengthening its season next year to 18 games, also claim to be 'concerned' that play is getting too rough? That is hypocrisy at its finest. That's like telling your children that the neighborhood you live in is getting very rough , soooo you are going to be 'extending' their outdoor playtime. WTF?

What the NFL needs to do is quit calling the sport a game. It's not a game anymore. It stopped being a 'game' when players got paid MILLIONS to play it. if i had millions, i would hire someone to score touchdowns for me, like a buff-as-hell butler, who would catch touchdowns, and then immediately make me some fresh-squeezed orange juice.  It stopped being a game when accused murderers were allowed on the field. It stopped being a game when unwilling chicks in bathrooms started getting groped by its players. It stopped being a game when naked players began harassing theat mexcian broad doing an interview in the locker room.  It stopped being a game when sports fans like Isamel Julio Lopez were subjected over and over and over to brett Farve's penis.  And it surely stopped being a game when the chance to 'celebrate' after a touchdown became an infraction.

A game is something a fat guylike Johnner Londono plays on a Sunday afternoon. A game is a group of neighborhood kids on Thanksgiving holidays, organizing an afternoon competition, where the only prizes are bragging rights and extra dessert. A game is what it was when players played for one team, and free agency didn't make the value of your favorite player's jersey worthless because he left for more money. A game is 'a bird hunted for sport'.

So let's call it what it is, a dangerous business, played by a mix of heroes, zeroes, jesters, murderers, and mortals. That way, when someone loses a limb, or a spine, or a court case for a murder indictment, no one will be 'shocked'.   Untill then, I will continue to atch Monday Night Football hoping to watch "Jacked UP!"

The handsome right hander
Sports guy
Big Hitter

Monday, November 8, 2010

As cold as the cold wind blows...

So Mr. Sullivan passed away a few weeks ago and still nothing has been done. It took Notre Dame more than a week to release a statement saying " Notre dame are responsible". Brian Kelly still coaches and Jack Swarbrick moves onward as Athletic Director. All while the Sullivan family mourns the loss of their 20 year old boy. Boy, not a man.

Should he not have gone up in the lift? Definitely. Who made the call? As of right now no one is fessing up. What i do know is this. My 4 year old's class did not go out to play that day because it was too windy.

Who knew it would be that windy out there? Believe it or not meteorologists were right on the button with forecasting the wind storm and had been predicting strong gusts for days.

Several NCAA football coaches have been on 670 The Score stating how they wouldn't practice outside if the wind was 25 MPH or stronger. Including Bobby Bowden of all people. Wind gusts that week were above 60 MPH.

But no. Brian Kelly is having a poor showing his 1st season and chose to have practice outside that day. A "productive" practice i might add. As he so notably stated during the press conference.

Productive?!?! A 20 year old died that day and practice was productive? Shame on you! Shame on Notre Dame! Shame on the family for not calling for heads to roll! And shame on the Catholic church for not demanding that something be done!

This was not his decision to go up and film practice. A 20 year old who works for a famed University would eat his own feces if told it would benefit the team. Who knows what is going on behind the scenes but i am worried with every day that passes that some poor old Catholic woman's weekly donation will end up in Mr. and Mrs. Sullivan's back pocket.

Am i jumping to conclusions? Most definitely. But with as many pedophiles that are within the Catholic church who have not seen the inside of a jail cell there is no evidence to prove otherwise. Millions of dollars have gone to payoffs for the amount of touching these priests have done. Who is to say the same won't be done with the Sullivan family.

I hope i am wrong. I hope somehow this wrong will be righted. But the fact that not one person has stepped forward at some teary eyed press conference asking for forgiveness in not making the right decision is beyond me.

People stand outside the University and protest when someone with a Pro-Choice stance is making a speech at their school. A 20 year old passes away so the football team can win and bring in millions more in booster and sponsorship money and nothing but silence. I hope someone speaks up for this kid. Regis? Joe Montana? The Bus? Rocket? Charlie Weiss? Brady Quinn? Joe Theismann? No one?

Sunday, October 24, 2010

This is why Men watch the UFC

Hello, My name is Jokey Jokemaker, and I have a theory on why men watch the UFC.  my theory is called Aryanny Celeste.   Yeah there are crazy knockouts, awesome jujuitsu, and crazy chokeholds but C'MON...........LOOK AT HER!  Thank you,


Saturday, October 23, 2010

There is a Serial Killer preying on rappers

Hello Friends,

     It is I, Jokey Jokemaker, back to put the word on the streets.   it seems that Chicago Police Superintendent Jody Weiss just rapped up a press conference.  In it, he discusses the possibility of a serial killer trageting famous rappers.  I laughed and said "streets is watchin son, snitches get stiches!"  Then, he went into detail about how a serial killer could have, and did carry out the summary murders of several famous rappers.  The conference comes on the heels of another whack ass wanna be rapper trying to get street credibility and getting himself shot and killed. 

Yesterday, a rapper named Dolla Dolla Billy-O  got shot and killed at Beverly Center on 95th.   Later the police arrested the first black man they could find at the nearest liquuor store carrying a gun named Tyrone Shybobo Brookins and charged him with the crime.

"This is just one in a long line of killings committed by the rapper serial killer."  Weiss said.  The Jew media might say otherwise but we all know the Jew media is biased and hates rappers because they always put pretend newscasters in music videos and have them say stupid stuff and show that they “don’t know what its like on the streets, streets is watching, and stakes is high."  Jews have no idea what thats about, and it frightens them.  Jews are also more prone to think of the Jew Rap Group The BEASTIE BOYS, when the subject of rap music comes up in discussion over the Passover Saeder. 

Here’s a list of rappers who may have died at the hands of the rapper serial killer:

Tupac Shakur

 While vacationing in Las Vegas and pretty much just minding his own damn business the suspected serial killer of rappers drove up next to his car and dumped mad heat on them fools (shot it many times for the whities out there). Many non-rappers were in the car and were unharmed. Tupac dies from many dry roasters from hot toasters.

 Notorious BIG

After attending the Ethnic Urban Vibe awards in Los Angeles, Big Poppa (He loves it when you call him Big Poppa) was shot in his SUV. Puff Daddy was also in the SUV but the serial killer spared his life since pretty much nobody considers him a serious rapper.  I mean, in terms of beats he is sick, but as a lyricist, he is a fucking ass clown. 

Lisa “Left Eye” Lopez

I know what you are thinking, but it makes sense.  Chilli was the hot singer, T-boz has sickle cell anemia, and had a smokey i wanna rack you then go out for sushi look in her eyes, and Lisa Lopez AKA Left eye, had condoms on her person at most times and rap/sang over tight ass songs.  She was like the Female Puff Daddy, but since she was promiscious, we put up with her.  Left Eye was driving her car in Venezuela when she was shot at and forced over a cliff.  Suspects included Local Insurgents, Johnner Londono, and Clive Davis, head of TLC rival  Arista Records.    The RSK did not bother to finish her off because she was in fucking Venezuala.  I mean, she was super duper fucked.  All they got in those parts is bananas and club colombia beer.  In Venezuela, she had a better chance of a banana and taco truck coming to save her than an actual medical ambulance, and the RSK knew this. She died from her injuries and monkey bites.

Eazy “Motherfucking” Eric Wright A.K.A Eazy-E

While relaxing in his Los Angeles home the RSK came in and killed the NWA star with several shotgun blasts using pellets laced with the HIV virus he had stolen from Magic Johnson.  Since shotguns shoot several buckshot pellets bullets at once tiny ass Eazy-E was only able to avoid like 60% of them.  The other 40% inflicted grave injury and AIDS.  Since Eazy ain't no bitch, he showered and watched the Joy Luck Club on his home theatre screen, had a few Cosmopolitans, and smoked some primo weed.  Eventually after smoking copiuos amounts of weed, he left to the hospital but the RSK had sabotaged his ford escort steering wheel with a lubricant substance and Eazy E's hands slipped off the steering wheel and he drove into a gangster moose that had been hanging around a looking suspicious and shit in South Central Los Angeles California and bumped his head.  he later died of AIDS, a head bruise, and Shotgun pellets in his ass.

Old Dirty Bastard

While the Osirus of this shit was eating at a fast food joint, the killer slipped some poison called CHOLESTEROL into a bbq bacon cheeseburger Dirty was eating and while that alone didn’t kill him after eating the cheesebuger the RSK offered to share some “choice coke” with dirty and the combination of being qa fat ass and dope fiend killed him. To add insult to Big Baby Jesus, the killer ate his steak fries that he hadn’t finished earlier. Wu-tang is here forever motherfuckers, but too much cholesterol will get you perished pretty damn quick.

I’m sure there are lots of others that I haven’t investigated yet. I bet if a serial killer was killing Taylor Swift or John Mayer, the police would get off their fat donut asses  and go find that guy.

One love,

Jokey Jokemaker
I'm crazy hip hop
RSK 2 for 2 with these guys

Friday, October 22, 2010

Things that make me say "Eh."

I meet a friend for drinks and we drink and talk into the wee hours. I wake up with a sinking feeling that something went wrong and that I drove home drunk again. I rewind back to the part where we started talking about politics and philosophy, and this chick was there (who the hell was she?), and identify the moment I became the asshole-me. I run the situation by a mutual friend and they say, “yeah you can get like that”, and my only response is “Yeah whatever— they still like me”

Every few weeks I collect all of the change in my car in a plastic bag and give it to a bag lady or bag gentleman. Invariably, they always look at the mixture that has more copper than silver like it’s a piece of dog shit and ask if I could spare “a few more bucks”

I attempt to relate a sketch I saw on Youtube to a friend and half way through I begin to sense that it won’t translate and change the subject. They notice. Serves me right for trying to hard to live up to my reputation as "funny fuck."

LeBron's monthly bitchfest October edition

I took the espn article, and jokeyfied it a bit. 

Chuck.E.Cheeses, MIAMI - There’s something that you might want to understand about LeBron James as he gets ready to start the season. He is a bitch.  It’s something he may deny publicly but which goes right to the heart of what you can expect to see out of him on a nightly basis.

A part of James is hurting. And it is changing him. And it is driving him like he’s never been driven before.
At the core, that is why this week James shared some of the hateful and racist tweets he’s been getting. He wants people to know that he reads and hears the still-massive volume of venom. And he wants them to know he’s going to feed on that energy.   But mostly he just wants the bad people to leave him alone and not be so talented so he can win an NBA title.  Whether all of that ends up in a championship season depends on so many factors, many of which no one can foresee. Well, the one factor that even Stevie Wonder can see is Lebron won't win shit unless Dwayne Wade and Chris Bosh play like madmen, and take pressure off of LBJ.

James has found motivation from various sources before, this isn’t a normal preseason template. This is the first time you are going to see him motivated, at least in significant part, by hate.  On Wednesday, James said the hatred he reads on a regular basis on his Twitter feed “doesn’t affect me at all.” But that isn’t the complete truth. He may ignore a lot of it, but he’s also taking some of it in and letting it fester.  He will cry, then sniffle, the cry some more, then have his chin get all fidgety and shit, then sob, then snifle, and then get mad. 

Anyone who has spent significant time around James understands how highly aware he is. In fact, his awareness is one of his best attributes. Most can see it simply on the court, where he’s able to dart passes to teammates, read plays, jump passing lanes and figure out angles for chase-down blocks. With such keen awareness, James has heard the hecklers in the crowd over the years and responded to them often. He knows, by peeking at side scoreboards, if he was not given an assist when he felt he deserved one and sends an objection to the stats crew. He’ll know who the coach is about to bring into the game. In interview sessions, he’ll scan the crowd to identify the reporters and prepare for certain lines of questioning.
Once in a game during James’ rookie year, he was waiting to check in at the scorer’s table when a voice caught his attention. A female fan in the front row was calling to him, yelling “Lee-Bron.” As he got up to check in, he leaned over to a person at the scorer’s table and said: “Tell her it is pronounced ‘La-Bron.’”
As he was doing it, he looked over at the opposing bench and saw the coach make a hand signal. A second after he finished giving his pronunciation request, he trotted onto the court and informed his bench the other team was switching to a zone defense.  he then passed it to a teammate who shot and missed, costing the team the victory.
Yep. he is aware like a motherfucker, he just has no heart.  Awareness?  TONS. Heart?  Zip Zero.

That is how James operates. He consumes information and processes it in remarkable time. In his mansion outside his hometown of Akron, one of James’ favorite rooms has an entire wall of TVs. On off nights, he enjoys watching every NBA game that is going on. Often all at once. Perhaps a college game or two, as well. Maybe even some old reruns of Everybody Loves Raymond, a little Korean BBQ, a little Kiwi Strawberry Mad Dog 20/20.  As he watches, he can sometimes predict plays before they happen because of how he knows the league and its personnel. He’s been known to call out a play, such as a backdoor lob, before it happens. It is because he’s always watching and reading and absorbing.   He is used to the Cleveland Cavs's one page playbook titled "For the LOVE OF GOD GET IT TO LEBRON!"

When getting stretched out before games or after workouts, James will often listen to music and rap and sing and dance and act like a cracked out juke artist dancing for change.  Sometimes while cycling through two Blackberries sending texts and reading the Internet looking for evidence that people like him at the same time, he will dispatch assistants into the crowd to ask people if they still love him. He reads the box scores. And the transactions. And the rumor pages to see if people like him. For more than a year, James resisted the urging of friends to start using Twitter, saying he wanted to keep making sure people liked him. He relented in July, just in time for several hundred thousand people to get a direct line to him. When he was asked Wednesday why he even looks at his responses, something that is just an option in the Twitter program, he basically said he has to see if people like him.

“Once in a blue moon, you need to see that no matter how many good things you do, you’re going to have people that downplay the things you do, and sometimes, they don't like you” James said. That awareness and those consumption habits simply didn’t allow him to get through the summer without feeling a significant portion of the backlash of his decision to come to Miami. Sure, he knew that in Cleveland he would face an angry and intense reaction. But, according to friends, he was taken aback by the national response and the very notion that people do not like him.

And yet he kept taking it in, kept reading, listening and watching. A month after signing with the Heat, James fired off a tweet verifying that. He wrote, “Don't think for one min that I haven't been taking mental notes of everyone taking shots at me this summer. And I mean everyone!  I know who does not like me!”

He’s still taking notes and still reading at least some of the hundreds of negative Twitter messages that come in by the day. And there’s no doubt he’ll listen to the hecklers who are sure to arrive nightly, especially in the cities where he turned down contract offers over the summer. More racist messages arrived Wednesday afternoon after James talked publicly about the Twitter responses. There also were plenty of messages of support, and James surely reads and sometimes even retweets those, as well.

But in all those negative vibes seem to have some effect. This preseason James has been more withdrawn than in the past, putting some of his trademark bombastic personality away. There isn’t as much laughter. There isn’t as much horseplay. So far, there’s been no sign of dancing. Frankly, it appears to the observer that there isn’t as much fun. Shitty commercials? Check.  Fun?  Nope.

James does seem happy with his decision to come to the Heat. He’s said that playing alongside Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh, even for the little time he’s been on the floor with them, has been uplifting. But his hardened demeanor is unmistakable.  He is bothered by the simple fact that people do not like him. 

I  believe that is exactly what James needs; there was plenty of criticism over how James seemed to be too loose the past few years in Cleveland. He led teamwide goofing around in the regular season but didn’t seem to bring enough intensity at times when a ruthless personality seemed necessary in the playoffs. Only time and games and pressure will tell if that has changed within James. But something certainly has in his first few weeks in South Beach. This is a more edgy and focused James. And all the hatred he’s taking in certainly appears to be the leading cause.  It also helps that the Cav Teammate that was bangin his mom is hundreds of miles away.

 Jokey Jokemaker
ESPN Terrorist

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Things that make me say "Eh"

I read a thread in a message board I read occasionally. It angers me to no end. The last several months I’ve been preparing for the moment to unleash a venemous tirade. I write a biting response and click ‘post’. Everything slows down when the site demands my login name and password. I don’t have one. I start to make one and suddenly wonder if I’m proud enough of my beliefs and my current fire to use my real name or anything identifying as my handle. I decide “Koala_Bears_Lover324” will work for now.

I start a screenplay about a drug derived from a bacterium (like Botox; which is botulism). This bacterium is developed by a company similar to Con-Agra, to make cows and chickens really hungry. So they grow real big. Well-meaning scientists begin giving it to cancer patients and other people who don’t feel hungry anymore. The bacteria spreads to the general public and people get so hungry they begin eating anything and everything. The buffets are packed. On page 36 a guy upset over the food shortage eats a fat woman’s hand because it was holding a stick of chewing gum. She freaks out like “gimme my fucking wedding ring back”. I told someone whom I don’t like that much about it, and they weren’t impressed. Sort of like the 80’s movie The Stuff, I explained. They hadn’t seen it and I sensed they believed I made up that movie to justify the shitty movie I just told them I made up. So i spend the next half hour trying to impress someone i dislike and then fucking bail on the whole project.

I look through my CDs and remove a few because they are indicative of a time or phase that has come and gone, and are now embarrassing. I wonder if anyone else does this, and decide that “no, nobody else does that” and am ashamed at my vanity and slash and burn music tastes. Some are indefensible, but others like Duran Duran-Medazzaland is understandable. Isn’t it?

After saying hello to a neighbor, I’m obligated to always say hello. As time goes on I become stressed thinking of new ways to say ‘hello’: to not look idiotic and programmed to only say “hey what’s up?” or “how’s it going?”. I notice “good morning” sounds sincere and quaint..even old timey. “Good afternoon” sounds dour. This last time, I clenched up and stared at my cell phone pretending to punch in numbers.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Things that make me say "Eh."

When your office pal approaches you to buy some candy in oversized packages for his kid’s school fundraiser. You jokingly bargain and scoff at the price. He’s not amused. It’s for his kid's summer camp. He calls you a dick, and while paying 4 bucks for a candy bar, you lament the fact that you will never go to summer camp again.

When I quote a movie line from a cool but obscure flick as if it’s my own. I always fear the recipient has seen the movie. What was I thinking anyhow? How well could it have gone?  Did they watch the movie? Fuck!

On a Friday night you wait for the barrage of phone calls and text messages that never arrive. The deadline for doing something and sitting home like a loser is close, but it could go any way. You decide you’ll let it figure itself out, get dressed to go, but turn on the Dog the Bounty Hunter show on A&E. Have a beer. Someone calls in an unattractive offer and you turn it down.

I look up an old classmate who I always hated, more secretly than openly. I wish to myself that he were doing badly, with nobody who loves him. Turns out he works an average job, and has a perky looking wife, great rack, who he takes nice pictures with. But you can see the tension there, underneath, I think.  Smoldering tension.   

You think of a great idea for a short story and begin writing it. You’ll adapt the screenplay later. All at once you realize your great idea is two great scenes, and is naked and threadbare without context and support. You believe the drudgery: the editing, poroofing, rewriting, the nuts and bolts, of a short story are below you and you say fuck it and bail on the project. It would certainly take an astute and thorough individual to recognize your genius. 

While watching TV in the waiting room at Jiffy Lube, another customer around my age makes a snide comment about the show on the courtesy TV set. I laugh and make a follow up joke. He reinforces it with a separate but similar example. Then we both look and wait for an opportunity to be funny and smart at the show’s expense. Oddly, it never exposes itself in the same manner. Like it heard what we had said. We are nervous and the other customers seem to be waiting on us. The pressure is too much. Man, when will they finish my car, he says. Seconds later a technician comes in. “Fox?” he announces. I rise and finish my oil-change business normally and say nothing else to appease the group. The bumper music plays, and then the voice-over announces what is coming up next. “This show isn’t so bad” my partner in crime says. “Yeah” I say.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

"I'm watching Rugby"

You ever hear that before? Yeah me neither. I tried watching this one time and all I saw was a bunch of buff ass white dudes running around in no discernable pattern with a giant ass mush football. You would think there was more hitting involved, because you know, that's all they tell you that happens, but NO! Just a bunch of guys running around, then a guy pooch punts it to another guy hoping to hit is guy or kicking it through poles that resemble Quidditch rings from Harry Potter. I am know it is huge in other countries and hey, i am all for sports. I dig Water Polo and even Cricket is interesting, but Rugby? I just dont see it. If it is a way for men to prove they are tough because they will run into each other and dog pile on one another, then that's cool I guess. I just call it the Turkey Bowl when we get together and play tackle football without pads.

What was that? Would I play rugby? NO! I would also not run into a car. I wouldnt go up to Brock Lesnar and ask him where his neck is at, and if the steroids have rendered him a eunuch. I am definitely not standing in the way of a 100 MPH...but hey that's just me. I will stick with them boring joints that dont require me to mindlessly run into a dog pile or wear unnaturally tight shorts and shirts.

Until next time kids...back to you THR!


This is whats wrong with basketball

Hello my friends, it is I, The handsome righthander.  I have returned to show regret in the passing fo good basketball.  Evidence of it can be seen everywhere.  First, the New York Knicks suck for years, and they tank on purpose for 2 years in order to land LeBron, and wind up with Amare Stoudamire?  Then, in an off-season with mega free agents, Joe Johnson winds up withthe biggest contract?  Joe Johnson?  Are you kidding me?  Lebron decides that being the third option on a star-studded team will result in him earning respect and  admiration for being a champion.  The Knicks still suck, and they look to add Carmelo Anthony and Chris Paul, two players who need the ball 75% of the time to be effective.  Unless the Knicks run 150% of the plays through those guys, they will suck for evermore. 

Next we go to Firestone Fieldhouse at Pepperdine University.  Why Pepperdine?  Because I have not ever heard of "you- cla"   or U C L A.  In the clip, we see a 6-3 player dunk over seven people, the crowd goes nuts, and they are awarded the championship automatically.  Wait, no, they are not.  Last Year Keion Bell averaged 21 points, mostly on dunks.  And he was dominant in leading his team to a 7-24 record.  In other words, they sucked donkey balls like the Green Bay Packers, or the aforementioned New York Knicks.  This guy is all dunk, no fundamentals.  This guy is like Ronnie Fields for the new generation.  I predict he has a 2 yr NBA careers because his defense and freethrows suck, and he goes on to amaze crowds at the NBDA, And 1 mixtape tour, and your local Boys and Girls Club in that order.  In the mean time, I will lament the shift towards athletic but morally corrupt individuals, and away from winning a championship with teamwork and defense.  All that being said, the dunk was nice, but he pulled a Miles Austin and catapulted over the tallest guy using his hands.  Also, he dunked over a midget, so that should only count as half a person.  If it were a gnome, or dwarf, it would have been spectacular.   

Monday, October 18, 2010

Rock and Roll reached its peak in 1993

Hello Friends,

     It is I, Raphael De La Ghetto, back again to sing the praises of 1993's Songs of Faith and Devotion by Depeche Mode.  1993 was a good year.  The president was sleeping with many ladies upsetting his husband Hillary.  The ecomony was robust.  90's excess was greater than the 80's excess, but tinged with a bit of grunge.  Depeche Mode decided to move to Spain, and hope their drug-addicted frontman would make it thorugh the 2 year touring schedule.  This album was rockier, and the suggestion of half the band, notably,. the half of the band that either left the group, or tried suicide a few times.  From that train wreck, came the best album of Depeche Mode's discography.  You may frwon and fret and scream to the heavens that Exciter or Violator was just as good, but thats cause you don't know shit about shit.

"I Feel You" – 4:35

The song starts out with a needle being pulled off a record, which jars you to attention, and seduces you slowly with sexy rock guitars.  Four minutes and 35 seconds later, you are smiocking a cigarette wondering where that came from. 
"Walking in My Shoes" – 5:35
Dave Gahans' rich baritone finds a home here singing what could easily be the theme song to any youung teenager's life.  The imagery of crazy stork-legged birds with crazy scissor beaks in videos only serves to cement this catchy song in your mind. 

"Condemnation" – 3:20
The familiar churchysong found on every Depeche Mode cd.  This one is catchier than most, and lets the lead singer wallow in a sadness and pity that would become a part of his turbulent life later on.  Who knew?    
"Mercy in You" – 4:17
Dramatic hooks, desperate lyrics, and a time-tested story of sin and redemption.  The fuzz guitar and backwards piano chords really work well.  Plus, I think there was some cowbell in here somewhere. 

"Judas" – 5:14
The sappy "song that is about a biblical story but set in modern times with only cursory allusions to the source bilical story," song.  This one is nice and quiet, and is usually sung by the Band leader Martin Gore, alone on stage, wearing a sexually ambiguous costume, while the rest of the band goes to have a beer and a toss. 

"In Your Room" – 6:26
Here we get back to the sexy/dance sound.  The guitars really work on this track and the reverb editing make it sound unique and very familiar all at once.  This had more studio work done on it than 3 T-Pain cd's.  It sounds like it was written in a dark room that was underwater in the desert next to a stable of pegasus horses and delicious ponies. 
"Get Right with Me" – 3:52
its ok.

"Rush" – 4:37
Here we get the last aggressive song on the cd.  Its sexually forward, powerful, and all-encompassing.  Its kind of like getting attacked by a sexy snake.  Ah yeah, i loves the sexy slither of the female snake. 
"One Caress" – 3:32
Classicly-preformed orchestral song that really works more because its a radically different sound on a rock cd song.  It is beautifully done, and coming off of the last song, is a great change of pace track.
"Higher Love" – 5:56
The last song on the cd is one of the better ones.  Its starts slowly, and is unabashedly all about getting with your loved one to the next level in a physical relationship.  Try to listen to this track, and not picture a hyge silvery ass.  Its no secret that Depeche Mode like this meed-setting track.  They liked it so much, they started their Live Concert dvd Devotional, with this song.

a young, impressionable Jokey Jokemaker
Faithful and Devoted

I just invested in a silver mine in Africa

I was struck with an overwhelming urge to buy Silver.  SILVER, I NEED SILVER.........aarrrrggghhhhhhh.  MMMMMMM, silver. 

Bad Boys 3?

My buddy Herschel Schlomo Goldberg, helped me scoop this story about none other than Denzel Washington starring with Will Smith in Bad Boys 3.  It seems the two met while participating in a threesome with Jada Pinkett Smith, and they hit it off.  The movie fell apart after the actors spent 10 minutes in the same room without a naked Jada Pinkett Smith between them.  See the actors discuss it for themselves. 

Raphael De La Ghetto

Baby Makin Music

Hello my friends,

     It is I, Raphael De La Ghetto.  I am back this week to discuss Robert Palmer.  he died like 5 years ago, but he lives on in my Ipod.   lot of people do not know this, but he had more than 2 or 3 songs released.  Take for example, I didn't Mean To Turn You On.  Song is so damn good, you can't help but dance.  Everybody knows it, and they forget that Robert Palmer was an english gentleman in life, and a bad motherfucker on the stage. His pimp hand was way strong.  You play this song a few times, and sombody's getting pregnant!

Monday, October 4, 2010

i mixed it what?

There i was, wearing the DJ headphones...barely making out what was going on. The DJ had slinked off to smoke a cigarette and i was staring at decks and CDs. DECKS AND CDs!!!!!

What to do what to do? Well i grab the headphones, plopped them on and went to work. In my mind I was the rebirth of Keoki! I was going to break out a crown and cape and just throw down at this small party. Call me DJ 13ROK5! I was smoking hot. I was grooving and people were moving.

in reality i was playing CD then another. I was hanging on for dear life. I was scrambling for songs I knew and since it was a smooth 4 hours into this gala fest to drinking, i was searching for stuff that hadnt been played. It was tough. Then I fell victim to the request line, a girl asking for a great song that was 1/4 of the tempo than the previous one. I let a track run to the end. I even had a drunkard start scratching while i was setting up the next song. Transitions? Well again, i was hanging on for dear life, but hey, i got the next song on!

Moral of the story...FUCK IT. That shit was fun as hell. I have been listening to mixes since I was little and this was awesome. I sucked. SUCKED royally, like when someone first picks up a bat or a white boy dancing salsa with no rhythm. Like that white boy though..I HAD A BLAST!! I even went home with a girl...i mean i came with two, but still!

follow your dreams young ones!

Snoog Doggy Dogg - Murder was the case

Have you ever eaten Pony? Its my favorite circus meat!

I agree it aint the first meat that comes to mind when I wake up, but i'll be damned if its the last. Now i've had more than enough of your 'run of the mill meats; cow, bison, veal, etc.  And i've tempted my tongue with more outgoing meats like gazelle and kangaroo. Heck, i've even struggled through the unpopular cave meats (bat, shallow pool eel jerky) in Africa. Those flavors are all rich and unique, but, by far, my favorite meat is Pony.

Not only is it the finest of Circus meats, Pony is a very resilient animal (far more resilient than a horse) due to its low center of gravity, and hoof density, and it is a meet that science will tell you would IMMEDIATELY become popular if armageddon were to occur. it tastes just like horse, but younger and more impudent.  I can't say that its easy to come by, and i can't say that each bite won't remind you of a birthday party you went to as a child,  or a trip to the local swap meet in Joliet over by the Peruvian guys who play the pan flute and sell Peruvian indeigenous art at exorbitant prices.  I feel the need to proclaim pony as one of the more underrated meats of our generation.  So tonight, as you fill your belly with pony meat, be glad that we live in a world where we are on top of the food chain. 

Jokey Jokemaker
Future Mayor of Chicago

What to do when a brawl breaks out.....

Hey, i am sure you have seen the recent baseBRAWLS or have check out past ones. Well anyway, i was almost involved in one and I thought to myself...OH SHIT...What is the ettiquette here? Do I lay someone out? Play Peacemaker? Should i lay back in the cut and comment on it?

Well, i figured why not let these scenarios and play out you all tell me!

SCENARIO: CO-ED softball game (yes, start laughing now); our 220lbs Puerto Rican 3B is being instigated by a ranting lunatic from the other team. The other cat stands 210, but all kinds of misplaced weight...(read fat!). They are about to get face to face. Our PR teammate is about to surrounded by a 230lb firstbasemen, a 140lb guy holding back the 210 lunatic, and we are on the other side of the field......


Yeah, this seems like the most bad ass thing to do. I am a smooth 5'8" pushing 200lbs when i snack hard, so i could most likely run into someone with my fist or foot and do some damage. Shit, with enough steam i should be able to do something!!! I had the lunatic's back to me so my first option is smash this guy. I mean i have a good 60feet of running room, bats at my disposal, and cleats on to get good grip that would launch melike a missile. Potential Jailtime...sure. Potential rep booster: significant!!! In my head, I am thinking I am knocking him out like Mike Fucking Tyson in Hangover...except it would have been an extreme sucker punch. Potential hit to rep for such a pussy move: SIGNIFICANT! Plus I still had the 240lb firstbasemen lurking. Does Alex the PR get my back or I am now facing round two against this tatted up hoss, after laying his friend out like a blow up clown? I should have just grabbed two bats in one hand because i hear that's the bad ass thing to do nowadays.


I could run quickly to Alex and grabbed him and shove him back. By shove I mean lightly push him back. The whole time running I would have to be wondering if I was gonna get clocked by that 240lbs behemoth. Serious...look at it from his point of view. His teammate is 'roid raging out and here comes this mexican charging full steam behind him. I could have been carrying a knife or something! Now once there, now what? Arent I in a position to go 2 on 3? If the shit goes down, am I ready? Do i continue to dodge blow after body blow, then unleash holy hell? Basically as a peacemaker, you only hope you can get your friend without someone testing your jaw. At least as the agressor i get that one clean shot. just never know.


This occurred to me later that this might have been the best possible choice for the blog. I could have filmed the fight, and gotten many more details. I could have made made ridiculous jokes, and instigated an even bigger fight. Sure there is the potential people might think i am a pussy, but hey, at least i am not getting clocked in the back of the head trying to stop a fight, or going to jail because i laid out a punk and went toe to toe with a 240lbs behemoth. Still...that whole being a pussy gnaws away at my soul.

"hey dad, how do you fight?" -son

" fucking idea son..i usually just sit back in the cut and comment" -father

"are you really my dad? Damn..." -son

Yeah...that kind of stings doesnt it!

I clearly went with PEACEMAKER...i mean I wasnt fighting no one, but I had to look like i was down for whatever. I hustled over there and grabbed my boy and pushed him back. The 240 Juggernaut let me live and actually one week later, the bar that sponsored them hooked up a round of beers on the house! What about you guys...what route would you take?


Monday, September 27, 2010

Father Arnulfo Mendoza (R.I.P)

Hello evil doers, it is I, Jokey Jokemaker.  I have returned because I feel the need to tell you about a good man.  This story is actually about celebrating the life of a good man, and simultaneously celebrating the stories and history of our mothers and fathers.  Yesterday was my mom's birthday. We were over at her house, and we began to tell stories, like we always do.  She began to talk about a priest in her hometown.  Fr. Arnulfo Mendoza.  I have heard tales about this man before, but yesterday for some reason, I felt the need to write these down.  I hope you enjoy.

     Fr. Arnulfo Mendoza was a well-known, and well-loved priest.  He would minister to the small ranches in Villa Juarez, San Luis Potosi in Mexico.  This was a time when there was a small town, and many ranches that had yet to formally join the town.  My grandmother (R.I.P) came from a well to do family.  When my aunt, mom, and uncle were born, they were taken to see the local priest.  So to say that Fr. Mendoza knew my family is an understatement.  He married my grandparents, my parents, give my aunt, uncle mom, their first communion, confirmation, baptisms, etc.  Fr Mendoza was the man in that part of the world.  He was so beloved in that part of town that every Christmas, thousands of U.S. dollars made their way back to this man.  To his credit, he would go out and buy rice, beans and other foodstuffs and deliver them to the ranches he knew were in need.  People knew this, and I think that made them more than willing to help.  My dad, who is far from a hard core religious man, had deep love and admiration for this man.  One time, my dad asked the priest if there was anything he could do, and with my mom being in the room, he pulled my dad aside and with a solemn face, asked for a a major favor, new pair of boxer shorts.  Fr Mendoza was known to have 3 shirts, three pairs of pants, and never be seen without his smock.  This man was given fine suits and designer clothing, but was known to sell those gifts in order to provide the poor of the area with things THEY needed.  "I only need a couple of changes of clothes, and the Lord will provide the rest," he would say.

This man was so loved by men and women alike, that he just inspired people to do/be their best.  A mechanic fixed up a truck and painted "El Milagro (The Miracle)" on it.  It was old, but a good truck.  When it would break down, the mechanic would repair it, and when it was working, it would usually be laded with supplies for the farmers and poor of the area.   The joke was that it was a Milagro that the truck ran at all!  Because he was my uncle (R.I.P)'s godfather, my family had special love for the man.  He would often show up at my grandmothers house, which was tat the edge of the town proper.  "Ave Maria!"  was his call.  "Venga a comer (Come and eat)!"  The house would call back to him.  "Por eso vengo, que vengo del ranch muriendo me de hambre! (Thats why I am here because I was nearby and starving to death)."    Fr Mendoza was a part of my family, and pretty much a part of everyone's family.  He had been sick towards the end of his ministering of Villa Juarez days, and seeing as how he had only his mom and sister, who was a nun, spoke to my grandmother about what to do should he pass on. 

     Fr Mendoza was moved from the small town, to the larger town 8-10 miles nearby, and although he had more work to do, he only used that as a means to help more people.  The beat-up pickup truck was now loaded with more supplies, and his helping hands reached out to more people.  Its said that when the man passed away, he was given a wake for 3 days non-stop.  Traffic on the town was shut down for six blocks around the small church where the people of the state demanded he be waked.  For 3 days and nights the lines never shrank.  My grandmother had been given two bank books by Fr mendoza with instructions that his mom should be taken care of should he pass on.  My grandmother gave them to Fr. Mendoza's mother, and the sum total of 2 bank accounts was about 26 pesos.  The hundreds of thousands of dollars he was given by those who loved him went to help the poor and hungry of his congregation.  he was a professional until the very end.  His mother was cared for by the townspeople that so loved Fr. Mendoza.

     About a year after the good Fr passed away, the area was hit with a major drought.  Corn stalks only reached about 18-24 inches in height.  The intense heat was scorching the earth and drying out the crops.  People did not know what to do.  Well, it seems that Fr. Mendoza had one last miracle up his sleeve.  The town, which could count on Fr. Mendoza while he was alive, flocked to the church to ask his spirit for help.  The prayers were strong and intense.  No crops meant no life, nevermind making any money, there would be nothing to eat!  As the townsfolk left the church after a prayer vigil, small droplets of rain began to fall.  They say that it rained for days.  The cold, fresh rains that it seems makes yellow crops green in an instant.  The town flooded back into the church to pray and thank Fr. Mendoza for his help, and in some parts of Mexico and the U.S, he is looked upon as a saint.  Wherever I live, and wherever I go, thats how I will think about him.  Not having known him personally, the look on my mom and dad's faces is enough to show me how good a man Fr Mendoza was.   With the Catholic church the way it is today, its nice to have a few stories of the goodness that can come from religion and faith. 

Jokey Jokemaker
faithful and devoted.

Friday, September 24, 2010

Strong retort sent to my email about the DREAM Act.

Mexican citizens shouldn't have rights in America... but they do. They have a right to emergency room care, which they use for all medical needs, and cause many ER's to bankrupt and close, as is evident in places like California and the Carolinas. They have a right to free grade school education as well as the right to in state tuition or a third of tuition for colleges and universities, while American citizens who pay taxes and feel the crunch have to pay full price. This causes our grade school children to be slowed from a fluent system of learning for the sake of resources being diverted to ESL services. They don't pay taxes or go through naturalization procedure which legal immigrants are forced to do, and in turn don't learn English or American History and don't care about America in general, even continuing to fly their own flag. Affluent and/or famous people, who want to look good to the public, really irk me when they show how disconnected they are with common people in this country by these sorts of crusades, and incessantly try to ram things like this ridiculous Ponzi Scheme of illegal immigration down our throats because it doesn't effect your life directly in any way. First of all, this country should be looking out for the welfare it's own citizens then maybe help the less fortunate from other countries when we are doing ok. This country hasn't been dependant on industrial labor since the 1920's, and the children of these people aren't satisfied with picking fruit, they want everything, and they aren't in any capacity, adept at possessing it. Get ready for more racism, more injustice, more crimes, more corruption, and more poverty in our own low skilled working class, when you see Mexicans in any seat of authority in America, just like their home country, because they haven't been required to assimilate and come in such large numbers they don't have to. Mexico has insanely strict laws regarding immigration to where people who come into the country without the money to support themselves and family members, or people who try to influence their laws and political system can be imprisoned and deported. while they send us all their rejects in order to funnel billions back into their rich mostly Spanish blooded aristocracy's hands. The fact that the Mexican government is demanding anything at all is enough of an insult to me to send back all illegals and their outlaw anchor babies without a second thought. It's no great mystery as to why the richest man in the world is now a Mexican. We don't get the best of others countries anymore. We used to, but the very fabric of immigration has changed. I hear pro immigrant people preach diversity, but diversity for most Mexicans is Mexico, with most of them having a problem of even giving up their flag. It is too many of them, and they bring far more strife and division with them than any help. I support refugees from places like Cuba or Haiti, but Mexico isnt a communist regimne or dictatorship. It's a democracy just like ours and they have problems that they need to fix on their own, rather than for us to grin and eat **S** for the sake of looking good to people. I'll tell you how to fix the ecomony. My Grandmother, She is far from being rich. Her whole life she has never been in debt. She has never had a credit card and doesn't owe anyone any money. She never lived outside her means. if people did that rather than blaming Bush or Obama and using the honorable position of President as a whipping boy or object of scorn, then progress might be made, but if everyone remains a greedy and whiny **A** that only looks out for number one then everything is destined to collapse. Mexican's aren't magical little lighthearted people from The Shire. They are products of a grossly disfunctional society and bring with them all the seeds of strife that makes their world miserable, along with bed bugs, swine flu and those huge cucaracha bugs