Shout OUT!

HAPPY BDAY to Bella Baggins (7/6) and the BIGS (7/13)

Thursday, March 31, 2011

Muslim beauty contestant says she faces threats

A British woman hoping to become the first Muslim to represent her country in the Miss Universe pageant has gotten "indirect" threats against her life, she told CNN on Thursday.  Shanna Bukhari said she'd received "a lot of support from all communities," but that she got "some hate mail from all communities as well."  "Indirect threats have been made," she said, including video links being posted of men "suggesting things could possibly happen."  While there had been no direct threats against her, she said, "it is upsetting to receive links of certain things that could possibly endanger someone's life."  Bukhari is proud of her origins and her religion, but it's the media that has made her religion an issue, she said.

"My intentions were not to bring my religion into this," she said.

She said she would participate in the swimsuit round of the contest, but would not be "exposing revealing parts of my body."  "I will not be wearing a bikini," she said. "I will be wearing a one-piece swimsuit and a sarong."  The current Miss USA, Rima Fakih, is the first Muslim woman to win that title.  Bukhari will learn May 1 whether she will represent her country at the Miss Universe pageant, which is in September.  I think the problem is she has a fat face. 

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Stop, or my mom will shoot.

GARLAND, Texas (AP) -- Police in a Dallas suburb have issued an arrest warrant for Tampa Bay Buccaneers cornerback Aqib Talib accusing him of firing a gun at his sister's boyfriend.

Garland police said Tuesday they believe Talib and his mother, Okolo Talib, shot at the man March 21. The man wasn't injured. Earlier that day, the man had been listed as a suspect in a disturbance and was charged with assault and interference with an emergency phone call from that incident.

Authorities issued arrest warrants for aggravated assault with a deadly weapon for Talib and his mother. She turned herself in Tuesday.  Police say Aqib Talib is set to turn himself in later this week. His agent, Todd France, did not immediately return a call.

First off, in Texas, you get a gun with a happy meal.  Second, if the guy was casuing trouble earlier and later in the day he shows up at my house, I am shooting at him too.  Third, the victim did not get hit.  So if my work urinal is pointing west, can I be accused of pissing on Muslims and their faith?  Fourth, it seems that all football players are morons.

for those of you who take yourself too seriously

Jokey Jokemaker's review of sucker punch

It sucked donkey balls

-Jokey Jokemaker-


I like grilled cheese sandwhiches,  I really do. 

Monday, March 28, 2011


here is my Sucker Punch review, with my Guest analysts T.G.ED and SMASHli
(my bells refrained to comment due to her upcoming blog site and scheduling conflicts)

STARRING: Emma Browning, Carla Gugino and a bunch of other people

iz3y: I thought the movie was fantastic and fun. If you have a Blu-Ray player, this is the type of movie you have it for. Forget plot points, or character development because honestly, I don't think you will get it the first time around. It is not spelled out like your common movie. This is a graphic novel come to life and that requires you to immerse urself in the scenes and your brain open to imagination. Most people will immediately tune it out because there isnt a shred of realism in the movie, but I challenge that thinking. I think this movie is mostly a visual work of art, but also does have some sliver credence and...well a really good looking cast. We are talking about Carla Cugino people!!! now on to my co-horts!

iz3y: What did u guys think of the movie?
T.G.ED: I suspended belief immediately and didnt go in expecting Shawshank Redemption. That is the key to this sort of movie. Forget plot, acting, or anything. Just roll with it and I loved it. Especially the girls...OWWWW!!!
SMASHli: [translated from text language] Yeah....take that. (she just punched T.G.ED) it was good. I liked the special effects and shooting. No really! Who said this movie sux? Prolly people who hate empowered women or random video game violence!
T.G.ED: yeah see the women were the best! and the fighting. well the women fighting...did i mention the women? [SMASHli smacks him again, but her heart wasnt into it]

SMASHli: OMG T.G.ED. ur such uh....whatevs. i relly likd da story 2. it wuz lIk krzy. not 2 giv 2 much awy but it wuz dEper than u thnk.
iz3y: what the fuck did u just write?
SMASHli: ? oh...the story was much better than it seems. I mean you could cast Leonardo DiCaprio if you want, but it was good. SPOILER: The scenes where the girls imagine themselves performing these ridiculously cool missions in order to forget where they are is awesome. Plus how they wrap it all up with the main twist at the end was fitting and added a little something something. Again, you can easily get lost in all the special effects, but there is a story there.
iz3y: was that so hard to type in the first place?
SMASHli: uhhh yeah..i am on my phone.
iz3y: why are you on your phone? this whole thing is taking place in my head...moving on.
T.G.ED: i think we need to point out...
iz3y/SMASHli: yes...the it!
T.G.ED: just making sure.

iz3y: Another angle or idea that fascinated me, was that this is could have totally been a mere glimpse in the mind of crazy. When you look into the eyes of a crazy person you can see that far away stare and this has to be what they are seeing. I can only imagine how messed up or intricate the their fantasy world is in their heads.
T.G.ED: I just wikipedia'd Crazy people dont see Samurais or have crazy missions killing dead german soldiers. According to WEBMD fits of delusion....[T.G.ED proceeds to quote internet for a solid 30 mintues]
SMASHli: grrr...well i see that in my head all the time. Remember when I had homework? I basically had to kill three zombies and burn down their zombie nest to get it done.
T.G.ED: ...while wearing that baby doll outfit right? I mean...u have to!
SMASHli: yes T.G.ED..with the outfit on
iz3y: uh....SMASH...u did what to do what? What class were you taking?
SMASHli: Ethics in Criminal Justice!

iz3y: as I mentioned at the beginning of this ramble, the Cast was amazing. There are some very pretty women in this movie and that is always a plus. I really admired their acting TalenT.
SMASHli: oh whatevs!
T.G.ED: no really honey. They were good. I couldnt take my eyes off of the screen.
iz3y: It starts with Carla, even with that retarded polish accent and ends Emma Browning and her convincing mental eyes.
iz3y: clearly AMAZING!
SMASHli: Jesus you two!
iz3y: ps...Vanessa Hudgens was in this movie..and you know what...WHO CARES. Remember when people were shoving her and Zach Efron down our throats as the next IT actors? Now she was just a glorified extra in the movie. also congrats to Scott Glenn for picking up where David Carradine left that character of the Wise man hanging.

iz3y: final thoughts...the soundtrack. Really, if you have some time go get this. The songs play an integral role in the movie and as such there is a ton of pressure for them to be awesome and they are. From the remix of the remix of "Army of me" by Bjork to the remixed remix of "We are the champions" by Queen. Visually this movie was filmed in a mix of the Matrix bullet time style, 300's blue screen, and Chicago's flamboyance for colorful makeup and costume.
T.G.ED: i liked the action sequences. Samurais, dragons, zombies, OH MY. It was pretty much my fantasy. Is this Saving Private! but it is Good looking girls in skimpy outfits shooting guns and brandishing swords. I am sure they stole this from my dreams my dreams it is you honey!
SMASHli: damn right it is. I agree with T.G.ED. I loved the action and music. The story line was also good and does deserve a repeat viewing because i know there was stuff hidden in there. Visually, they stepped up their game. It was good and I cant wait to meet them at ComiCON. I am so going in pigtails!
T.G.ED: SCORE!!!! and....
SMASHli: yes i will wear the baby doll outfit...
T.G.ED: and....
SMASHli: the kitana too!

iz3y: so out of 5 stars, a solid 3.5.
Phenomenal visuals that border ludicrous but for anime fans it will feel like home. This is not a realistic movie and does require a boat load of suspended belief but it is an exciting movie that does a great job of making the Graphic Novel come to life. It will also give you a bit of a story line you can fish out, but dont expect Shakespeare.
the visuals will definitely overwhelm you and it a very fast and brief ramp up into the story. You will have to definitely fill in the holes and make assumptions if you want to go down that road. For many, the absence of clearly defined ending will drive them to either watch it again...or just plain nuts!

Bjork and Skunk Anansie - Army of me (Sucker Punch Remix)

Friday, March 25, 2011

If i had a dollar for every time....

I heart when people keep making the same mistakes and expect different outcomes. Einstein called it insanity, and i call it a reason to do testing on humans! Serious...we keep testing on monkeys, rats, and goats, but not a worthless piece of shit human who could contribute to our evolution in grander ways than their sorry ass ever could on their own. Please let's repeal the death penalty because killing is wrong, but lord oh lord, lets bomb the fuck out of libya. I am sure we only hit the safe targets where no one was really at.

Hey, i am not saying we return to the Nazi way of medical testing by rounding up the Jews and breaking their legs over and over again until we figure out great way to heal it. I am saying we round up ever degenerate asshole no one will miss and do that shit. Example you say? Well every piece of shit caught murdering confessing to it, or being caught in a bloody pool of blood (for effect i repeated it) should be signed up. Lets conduct a test or two on John Wayne Gacy and see if we cant learn something from that useless piece of shit. I have we not opened up Manson's head to see his brain impulses as he thinks of shit while watching video of Justin Bieber's latest movie.

Did you just call me fucking barbaric? No you're right...we should value his pieve of shit life and continue to pump out unproven meds that later kill or affect millions because they werent properly tested. Yes...lets kill another monkey to prove that we can really kill monkeys in awesome new unthought of ways. Shit, why dont we hire Michael Vick's crew to supervise that shit. Call me what you want, but I believe in evolution u bible thumper and we arent trying. We are making tablets, phones, and TVs better and smarter than we are ourselves. We are creating an unlimited supply of wonder drugs that are killing us and we think it is cool. Nope...not me...lets thin the heard people. Most of those pieces of shit wont even care and the ones that do, arent allowed to.

oh hey...blame all those annoying commercials i have to endure at 1 in the morning about the great side effects peopel endure while taking acne medication for this rant!

"cause sometimes people should contribute to the cause!"

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Things I think

First off, thanks to those who helped with the offensive jokes.  I can't wait to get drunk and ruin someone's party. And now, here are ten things I think:

1) Chris brown is like a fussy toddler. Smashing things, saying he is past the horrible horrible incident where he Beat Rhianna and was justly and universally hated for it, and insisting that he has fans. I mean, the last thing this freaking guy should be doing is getting mad about anything anymore. “Oh, you ran over my dog? It’s cool, it happens.”Not only does he not want to talk about how he is hated and loathed for beating Rhianna, but he tries to move past it and put the focus back on his CD’S? Is this guy serious? His newest cd is called F.A.M.E (Forgive all my enemies). He named it this because he wants us who judged him as an angry woman-beater, to know he forgives us. This is all he will ever be! “Oh, Chris Brown, the woman-beater, just cured Cancer! Good for him, that's great! Wonder what Rhianna thinks about it?” Try talking to Monica Lewinsky about anything but her blowing Bill Clinton. Pretty damn boring conversation. I don’t care if she has hopes and fears and dreams and shit, so does Rhianna. I am also pretty sure Rhianna dreams of not getting her ass beat by Chris Brown. You shit on her dreams Chris, now I will shit on yours.  Bookmark this post, because I got a feeling we will revist and update this one every few weeks or so, until Chris Brown dies in a police shootout on the L.A freeway.

2) On a cross country flight recently, some airline passengers were surprised to see penguins marching up and down the aisles. A zoo keeper got permission to let the penguins walk around and stretch their flippers, and even took the mic to tell the pleased passengers about the animals. Many photos and videos showed the penguins in good spirits. After the show, the rushed back to their seats in first class. After all, they are not totally black. (SORRY, BUT THIS JOKE WAS ONE OF MY FAVES IN MY MOST OFFENSIVE JOKE IN THE WORLD CONTEST).

3) You know, there are a lot of Germans……..

4) Chris brown is a blond now, and has tattoos over much of his upper body. Reportedly, he is still a trick-ass, bitch –ass, mark-ass trick.

5) Thousands of Japanese bodies wash ashore every day now, and we spent a week wondering about the whereabouts of some lady who was an English teacher that went to a Chicago public school. Are we missing the bigger picture?

6) There is an organization for news reporters who go to hostile foreign countries to report on wars and get kidnapped. I wonder if there is an organization in place for people who routinely pull lion’s tails

7) I did not know why the US attacked Libya; until I was reading an article that Ghadaffi has a billion dollars worth of Gold.

8) Changes to the states retirement system for educators are sending older, more experienced teachers to send in their retirement papers. Way to go, get rid of the seasoned veterans so we can hire inexperienced dumbasses and pay them less and tax them more. This should help us catch the Chinese.

9) American Idol sucks, Jlo sucks, and Randy Jackson has always sucked. They are choosing better talent, having them work with better producers, and better musicians. I believe this is in effort to minimize the stupid comments made by Jlo to the contestants. The show runs smoother when she comments only about hair and fashion. I mean, what the hell does she know about music and singing?

10) Derrick Rose is an absolute monster. Kobe plays on a better team, but Rose’s team is better because he plays on it. And Lebron can shut the fuck up about why he deserves anything. Punk ass actually thought that the HEAT would beloved like the Beatles. I think they are more like DRU Hill. We all know what happened to them after Sisqo went solo with the”thong song.” Wade would be Sisqo, Lebron would be the fat guy with good vocals, and Chris Bosh would be like a roadie or guitar tech. His main contribution would be going “Check, check” and tapping each mic to ensure its working.

11) CBS president Les Moonves said all would be forgiven of Charlie Sheen came back to finish taping 2 and a half men soon. Way to go Les. Overlook his drug/alcohol/racism/porn-addiction/bipolar ways, so you can put a little more cash in your pocket. Is this show the best you got? REALLY? Crazy jews, always looking out for the bottom line. Which reminds me to tell Les Moonves to be careful. I would tell him that there is safety in numbers, but try telling that to 6 million Jews. (Second favorite Offensive Joke, but its hard to find a funny headline about the holocaust. I guess its too soon to laugh about it.)

Jokey Jokemaker

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

The most offensive joke in the world

I am on a mission to find the most offensive joke in the world.  Any thoughts?

Just as the Handsome Righthander predicted it

For those loyal readers who took note of my bold prediction that the Knicks would suck it up worse than any suck has ever sucked on Monday night, Your welcome.  Your welcome because like me, I assume you wagered on this event.  Don't get me wrong, its not gambling if its a sure thing.  My bookie even had the nerve to call me at halftime with New York pounding Boston by 18.  He asked if I wanted to parlay my bet onto another game.  I doubled down, and cashed in twice my money when the Knicks choked away the game.  I was going to go for the meduim sized yacht, but now, I can reach the 200 footer. Thanks MELO and AMARE. 

I have another bold prediction. 

Monday, March 21, 2011

Flash is a poor substitute for substance

I was watching the Michigan vs. Duke NCAA college basketball today, and I was bored as shit. I do not know any players, and the game was pretty even. I figured it would fizzle out at the half. It actually turned in to a decent game, and had a good ending. Michigan lost, and I was reminded of the horrible and crippling losses suffered by Michigan back in the day. I am sitting here on my couch this evening, and I was subjected to a 2 hour program about how important Michigan’s Fab five players were. Since the players never won a title, in college or the NBA, made headlines for being good players, but were more famous for listening to rap music, and wearing long shorts, I say “WHO GIVES A SHIT?” They lost to superior teams, they never played on finals teams in the NBA, and The Flying Illini teams of the late eighties originated the long shorts, Fuck Jalen Rose, Chris Webber, Ray Jackson, Jimmy King, and Juwan Howard.

I feel that more attention should be given to hero types, such as the one-legged wrestler Anthony Robles who fought adversity every step of the way just to qualify and won the wrestling title for his weight class in the NCAA. THAT guy fought adversity, had a challenge to meet, and met it on the highest level. Freaking Rose and Webber listened to rap music and lost because of cockiness to DUKE, and low basketball IQ (North Carolina). Why should we care about one group, and not another gentleman? Extra props go to the one legged wrestler because he is Hispanic, and when interviewed, he said that his whole life was tough, and he had to get tougher, or give up. Webber was found to have taken money from a Michigan booster, and when he got caught, he turned on his people faster than a taxi at a yellow light.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Ice Cube is a trick ass bitch

So i was rollin around Century City California yesterday in my low-rider 64 Impala with a candied Maroon and blood red pinstripes, when I got stopped at a light.  Force of habit had me looking around with my hand on my Desert Eagle 5.0.   You got to keep your head on a swivel when you're in a vicious cockfight.  A saw a starbucks out of the corner of me eye.  So I rolled over there to get a Carmel Machiatto, figuring the cafieene would help keep me alert.  Some nerdy fuck in front of me had an order that took like 10 minutes to complete.  It was a dizzying array of "twists" and "sprinkles," and  whatnot.  Low and behold, the nerdy fucker was O'Shay Jackson.  AKA ICE MOTHERFUCKING CUBE!  I was like "Yo man, whats good?"  He looked at me and furrowed his brow in a vain attempt to understand me.  I must have been a sight in my White Sox hat, black khaki shirt , and black Dickies pants, cuffed perfectly at my black all-stars with the flaps folded down.  He was clad in a seersucker suit with fake glasses on and a neatly trimmed beard.  Gone were the jheri curls, the thuggish gear, the air Jordans, everything that came to be synonymous with general skullduggery.  I remember when Ice Cube scared the fuck out of white America because little timmy o'toole wanted to grow up to fuck the police and roll around in a 64 Impala. I took those early lesson to heart. and so did most people with a single parent household with a gross income less than 30k. Funny thing is, many kids with rich as parents in the whitest parts of the country took it to heart too.  I mean, whiter than a mayo sandwich in a snowstorm cats were thuggin.  You had motherfuckers BANGIN IN LITTLE ROCK!  How ICE CUBE, how could you turn your back on that power and make some fuckin TBS show?  You basically made yourself the black Kramer; a goofy next-door type who comes in and provides comic relief.  I heard you recently won an Image/Icon/Onyx award.  Keep that shit dog, because your wham award category you competition was like, Tyler Perry, Tyler Perry, and an inanimate carbon rod.  You turned your back on your constituency and sung and tap danced for those older parents who once feared you.  They don't like you idiot, they like the fact that you are a hammy ass whack actor/rapper/producer.  The i got mad and flipped over his drink, called him a bitch, and left.  Did he follow me and try to pick a fight?  No.  He wept bitterly and sobbed like a mark-ass trick-ass bitch ass Buster.

I guess now for hard core rap i can always look forward to ......... lil whoever/yung whatever/wakka flakka whomever with a catchy song like Douggie.  The Douggie, is the laziest song and dance ever.  Leave it to the idiot masses to celebrate a song that a fat diabetic can do with minimal effort and try to make it the next freakin TWIST!  Chubby Checker must be twisting in his grave, assuming he has not had his plot recycled and other people buried on top of him.  

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Duh !!!!!

Braun’s defeat signals end of black power movement in Chicago
Carol Moseley Braun’s stunning defeat signals the end of the black political empowerment movement in Chicago.  And the end wasn’t pretty.  Rahm Emanuel won big in predominantly black wards across the city, just as Mayor Daley did when a black candidate dared run against him. In fact, Braun, with 9 percent of the vote, fared worse against Emanuel than any black challenger did against Daley: R. Eugene Pincham (25.1 percent) in 1991; Roland Burris (36.3 percent) in 1995; Bobby Rush (28.1 percent) in 1999; Paul Jakes (14 percent) in 2003, and Dorothy Brown (20.1 percent) in 2007.  But the strategy of bloc voting based on race changed dramatically when Barack Obama was elected president. Although Obama was loathe to talk about race, black people understood the significance of electing the first black man to the highest political office in the country.

Obama didn’t have to say anything. He just had to be. And from that point on, race became a bad word in elections. Although Braun accepted the consensus candidate mantle bestowed upon her by a coalition of black business and civic leaders, clergy and activists, the role never fit.  She was clearly uncomfortable framing the mayoral contest in racial terms. In fact, she waited until a week before the election to accuse Emanuel of having a disappointing voting record with respect to issues supported by the Congressional Black Caucus.

By then it was too late for that information to be evaluated by media and voters, particularly since Braun could not raise the money to put ads on commercial television.
Braun’s past achievement of becoming the first black woman to be elected to the U.S. Senate made her a superstar. And under normal circumstances, that accomplishment might have taken her quite far.  But in this race, Braun faced a new kind of superstar — one that had the tacit endorsement of a man whose photograph is hanging up in a lot of black households alongside photographs of Dr. Martin Luther King, Harold Washington and John F. Kennedy.

Unfortunately, the important lessons that black stakeholders should have learned from Harold Washington’s historic campaign were forgotten.  Before Washington’s name even became public, people met behind closed doors and decided among themselves who had the best chance of winning City Hall. No one had to declare Washington the black candidate. Black people knew that he represented them. Black voters weren’t sure who Braun was representing, and she was unable to bridge the gap between professional and working-class blacks, or even inspire impoverished Chicagoans that she could help improve the quality of their lives.

But when only 40 percent of registered voters turn out to vote in an election seen throughout this country as historic, then the failure is not just the candidate.  Black politicians, business leaders and activists who claim to have influence in this city were either standing with Braun and quietly supporting Emanuel, or voter apathy in black wards was just too much for Braun to overcome.

In any case, Emanuel did exactly what he was supposed to do. He took his campaign to every neighborhood — even those where he was greeted by protesters.  The lessons black politicians can take away from Braun’s miserable loss is the same as it has always been: Black voters matter, and you’ve got to be able to raise money.  Black voters turned out in a mighty big way for Emanuel. They didn’t turn out for Braun. After all the fuss, in the end, being the “consensus” candidate meant nothing.  You never hear Toni Preckwinkle arguing like Todd Stroger did, that its hard for a black person in an office if high importance to get stuff done.  Stroger declined to respond from his place in the unemployment line over by the Harold's on 111th

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Smarter than your average smart ass

I caught these two fools trippin the other day.  They were making fun of another student for her pro-abortion views.  They were typical in their moral assertion thet religion prevents people like that from going to a better place when they die.  I  had a few minutes to spare, so i decided to see what was going on.  When these two  clowny asses started spouting trite rhetoric, I told them this : Religion is not a gatekeeper for people whose views differ from yours.  Did you know that religion was made by man to answer two question's whose answers  no one may ever find out, "Why are we here? What happens when we die?"  The thought of a pointless or "un-meaningful" life scares people. The people who look beyond religion and see life for what it is are the people that have faith only in themselves and therefor can see themselves as their own god (like John Lennon or Rapper NAS who is a 5 Percenter). For you religious people, look at it from an animals perspective. Animals have no concept of god and live life merely to live. They aren't afraid of death nearly as much as us humans because they don't question it. Do animals go to hell because they can't comprehend what god is? No human can fully comprehend what god really is. Why would an all knowing, all powerful, all loving god let a confused soul banish to hell merely because they questioned his existence due to lack of proof? HE WOULDN'T. I hope you question their perspective a little and become more open to the world around you.  There is no God that is an angry hitman smiting sinners.  Now I'm not saying there isn't a God necessarily, I'm just saying all religion doesn't make sense and somewhere deep down EVERYONE knows it. So what would you rather do: Live your whole life to the standards of other people, or believe in yourself and live life to your own?  If you think like ti do, go check out Ayn Rand and read more about whats really going on. 

Obama unveils his "Kill a whack rapper " plan.

Obama today unveiled his "Kill a whack rapper" plan.  The goal is to help the USA close the widening gap in education and innovation by eliminating "Rapper" as a vocation for young kids.  " I mean shit man, for every Mos Def, there are 10 thousand busted ass rappers," Obama said.  "If you got a part time job at the Burger King, and you rap, you is just a rappin ass burger flipper."  Obama , visibly upset then went on to say: "If you don't put food on the table with tight verses over bangin beats, then your punk ass ain't no rapper."  The rest of the world is producing engineers like crazy.  In the U.S, we produce just as many lawyers and rappers as teachers and doctors.  I finna put a stop to that."   Obama then stood and declared "if it wasn't for the politics hustle i got, I would be in a damn Dodge Stratus!  Shit is hard out here for real, fo really real.  There were chicken heads left and right runnin up they  credit cards because the bladck president was gonna force reparations legislation thorugh."  "Pay your own damn bills!  Stop getting cell phone contracts with little jamar's/ti ti's/ree ree's social security number, and cut down on the car washes/beauty salon trips, and pay your damn bills.  Then maybe we wont have to wait to get another black president in the White House." "I'f you don't get your shit straight, the Mexicans will snatch this all right from under us."  Obama then loaded up a used ice cream truck with some bats, a few handguns, and took off in search of the nearest ghetto/liquor store/walgreens parking lot/vacant space on MLK drive.  It did not take long for us to find a healthy looking, young man who should be in school/working/library dancing in the streets. 

Wednesday, March 9, 2011


Baby, I want you to understand that the Chooch Punisher was exceptionally distressed to hear about the death of your friend from the very serious disease known as breast Cancer. Your friend was a good woman. She will be missed.  She was smoking hot, and the thought of those sumptuous breasts losing a fight to breast Cancer drives me wild with anger

I know how close you and your friend were. You told me many wonderful stories about your friend and you going to the beach, the park and to the zoo and shared showers and such. I remember looking into your vibrant, chocolate eyes and noticing how they lit up when you talked about her. On those nights, when we grooved nasty all night long, we were closer than ever. I have a special place in my heart for your big-breasted friend.  This must be really hard for you.  I especialy liked it when she watched, topless. 

If there is anything that I can do to make this transition easier for you, please ask. I would travel to the farthest reaches of China, to find a silken cloth soft enough to wipe the tears from your beautiful cheeks. If, because of your grief, you are unable to make food or order some for yourself, I would take it upon myself to bring you food or at least order it for you, provided you gave me a credit card number because i am maxed out and eagerly awaiting an income tax refund check to make a long overdue payment.  The food will comfort you in your time of mourning. Whether they are fried, baked, or twice-baked, potatoes will be offered as a side to the food I bring. This I know for certain. If you need to be held, I will hold you.  There will also be ass-tapping.  Let me tap that ass in her memory.

I know how hard it is for you right now. The Chooch Punisher lost his Aunt Eulatheria about a year ago, from Lupus. It was a painful time. So, I know girl. I know.
the pain that lives in your heart, and the burning desire that lives between your legs.  Even though, before your friends' death, we used to get buck nasty at every available opportunity, in your current emotional state, you may not want me to hit it doggy style all night, even though I am willing and able to hit it doggy style all night. That is, if that is what you need. If you need the Chooch Punisher to be here for you, the Chooch Punisher is here. You can call me at two o' clock in the morning, even if I have to get up early the next day, and you only want to tell me you are frightened, you've had a bad dream. But keep in mind, I am willing to make slow, comforting love to you till the break of dawn, if that is what you need. Just give me a sign. Even the slightest sign will be considered a green light to tap that ass, so be careful.  I mean, I will tap that ass savagely even if there is no sign, just a long silence.  I will take your silence as a confirmation of ass-tapping desire.  I will.  I am good at reading people. 

If you need to be alone, I will respect that. The Chooch Punisher understands your pain. No other man in the world could know what you are going through. Even though it hurts like a million bolts of lightning simultaneously striking the tip of my penis to be away from you, I will keep my distance, so you can get your head together, if this is what you want. When you are ready, call me. I'll be by the phone, waiting, doing stretching exercises, and waiting.  Remember the time we all wen tto the beach nad had a bbq?  We got all over tans, swam, ate, then had a vicious three-way right there on the beach, and your friend got sand in her chooch?  I do too.  I am still waiting. 

Retribution is dead

Today our the great state of Illinois joined the ranks of the likes of New York and New Mexico in banning the death penalty. Banned once before in Illinois, it was put back into practice in the 70s and put on hold by George Ryan just before he left office. The reason? Illinois kept getting it wrong. The number of people who were wrongly convicted and sentenced to death reached into the high teens, and the demographics of the convicted greatly slanted towards the darker hue of the color spectrum versus those convicted of similar crimes and NOT sentenced. In other words, justice was not equal.

It's hard to use those um-teen number of overturned convictions though to rationalize getting rid of the death penalty. Due to the slow nature of the justice system generally, it's not out of the realm of reason to assume many of those fine gentlemen wrongly convicted and imprisoned for such a long time were tried under a justice system that was racially biased to begin with. Many of them were likely tried at the height of the civil rights movement or soon after. And with the long appeals process they didn't get exonerated until the 80s, 90s or some even as recently as the 2000s. It would appear to me then that the issue isn't who we're putting to death, but how we're deciding who should be put to death--it's the judicial process to blame here, not the death penalty.

Granted the death penalty didn't offer much in the form as a deterrent. People continued to commit heinous crimes even after the death penalty was reinstated. Violent crime in Chicago is allegedly down compared to previous years and we had a moratorium on putting people to death. But there's something to be said about having a remedy for those that are the worst offenders against society's laws. Sure having to live in a 5x10 cell for 23 hours a day for the rest of one's life is rough. But people are funny in a particular way--we adapt to our circumstances.

Forcing someone to live in a 5x10 is pretty bad--at least until they get used to living that way (which is what makes it hard for individuals released from prison to easily transition back into society, but that's another blog for another day). Once one gets used to living like that, living the rest of your life that way ain't so bad. You readers may say "there's no way in hell I could do that." And you're probably right. Many of us would go crazy or try or take our own lives than to live in a 5x10 room with a toilet and a bed. But we're already talking about "special" people here--they are the same people that killed, raped, beat, dismembered and/or mutilated someone else remember? Their mind is already messed up. So they adapt.

Over the course of time men and women have been put to death for a lot less than what we send people to death row for today. Treason I believe is a federal crime still punishable by death in this country--and sometimes what's defined as "treason" can't seriously be any worse than killing ones own parents, sister and nieces and nephews (exactly what one of Illinois' current death row inmates is accused of). Surely we're more evolved and progressive as a society--hell America even elected a Black man president!--but really Samuel Jackson had it right when he said "YES THEY DESERVE TO DIE AND I HOPE THEY BURN IN HELL!" There are those who simply don't deserve to enjoy life on any level given the damage they've done. It's not just the life or lives they take directly--it's the ripple effects on those harmed by their acts indirectly as well. Mental anguish and trauma of relatives and friends that continue to suffer while the criminal gets to keep air in their lungs.

Ultimately we as a society need to be more progressive with our trying of criminals rather than our sentencing. Sure there are few benefits to the death penalty, but it's really the principal of the thing. If we can't trust our justice system to bring justice and provide retribution, individuals will eventually take matters into their own hands. And as luck would have it, they likely will be the ones facing the death penalty once they do.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

the boob tube summary 3.6.2011

I have found that no one watches as much TV as me and doesnt weigh 400 in that spirit here is what i have found out.

- Justified is great show. Kentucky...crime...hicks! This is what the Chicago Code wanted to do. It wanted to be smart, engaging, funny, action packed and instead we got a bunch of shots of Chicago, and terrible acting, stories, and dialogue. Switch over to F/X (who is owned by the same channel that pumped out the Code) and watch a show that does it all well. This is not the Shield, and this is not the Wire. This is something new, and good. IF it keeps it up it will join the other two.

-Californication is still holding strong. Despite the obvious attempts to showcase pretty women and give us sex, it still delivers compelling train wrecks of characters. You cant believe it is true, and u will find it far fetched, but the acting and the slivers of honesty make u watch. That and the possibility of seeing Carla Gugino naked.

-Top Chef is included on this list because i spend a ton of time watching cooking shows and competitions. This is one has edged out the Iron Chef. is retarded how good these guys can be. Two, it is just well done. The challenges, the food, and the over contest is well played. Every week you just never know what is going to BOIL down to.

-THE a game. IF you dont like sports skip to the next one because it is more ur speed. The Bulls are compelling TV. They dominate on defense. They give u a heart attack when their offense ceases to exist. Then they give u the best young player in the league. The killer, the close, theKID! Derrick Rose is ridiculous as he takes a game over and shows a quiet killer spirit that isnt seen in players anymore. 99% of the league is manufacturing their image, and Derrick is not one of them. This rep is fact based, not agent based. He is not MJ! He is a pupil!

- MIAMI Housewives is an ok show that is following the CSI model of spitting out as many of these shows while people still will watch this nonsense. At the very least the women are latin. It is about time the US popultion gets a hold of our crazy women and what we have to deal with. I am glad they have a little money so they can take it to another level.

- OC housewives....WOW! they look good, and they all look alike. I mean really. I think they just hired one chick and just change her clothes. i have no idea what they are syaing because i am just really staring at them. Well except for the ultra Christian one who always talks about God, and gives her faith based opinion on her friend's divorce. how is she so infightful on the wrongs of divorce? Well she reads the bible where it tells her it is wrong and she got one!!! She does look good though...

-Fairly Legal is terrible! Thank you lord Jesus for giving us Sarah Shahi, but that show is terrible. Sarah Shahi is as beautiful as that show is terrible. USA...wTF! I thought White Collar was a stretch, but this is nuts. You gave us Monk! U gave us the first three seasons of Burn Notice. You delivered us the First three seasons of Psych. Hell Royal Pains isnt that bad. Fairly Legal needs to stop being so cheeky, funny, and hip. Gives us more drama or just change the show into a Faux sex in the city with Shahi. Her co-star, the hot Step mom who is quietly carrying this farce of law firm. Her character is a lawyer...Shahi just smile and looks great. Something has to change or they will join Piper PErabo's show.

giving u the nonsense!

Friday, March 4, 2011

The greatest poem about triviality ever written.

The Road Not Taken

TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth; 

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,

I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference. 

--Robert Frost--

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Ladies have it made

Just read an interesting article (which can be found here) which breaks down all the problems women are having finding and maintaining long-term relationships. Basically (for those who don't want to or can't read) the article says that successful, attractive women are in greater supply now-a-days than successful attractive men, and as a result, women have to spend their "sexual capital" just to get ATTENTION much less keep a man.

Well I'm here to say bullshit. Women have and always will have one supreme advantage over men: the Sugar Daddy. Sure occasionally a guy can slip, trip and fall his lucky ass into some rich shit, but that's rare. It's much more likely that a girl who has no idea what she wants out of life finds a guy that says "don't worry about it. Do what you want--I'll take care of you."

And herein lies the problem that the aforementioned article misses: successful, attractive men are in short supply because they aren't paring up with successful, attractive women--leaving only the slackers and losers for those rare jewels we call "10s." Instead they're paring up with attractive, women who are mediocre in life. You know the ones--cute face, skinny waist, big breasts, fat rump--but barely finishes anything she starts. These women tend to be more needy emotionally and as a result they end up with a guy who wants to be needed (so long as her attractiveness is socially acceptable of course. Nothing worse than a needy ugly chick).

The real kicker is when these relationships fail, the women are favored in our society. Society suggests it's okay to be attractive and mediocre because that man that promised to take care of you? We'll make sure he follows through, at least until you figure out what you want to do with yourself. And if you have children, we'll make sure those kids are provided for too. You don't worry 'bout a thang sweety--what's his is yours and whats yours is yours.

So don't give me the BS that "it's hard out here for a bitch" as if bitch is the new pimp. Ladies have it made as a whole. And if you don't like what I'm saying talk to your girl--all of you have at least one who fits the mold.