Shout OUT!

HAPPY BDAY to Bella Baggins (7/6) and the BIGS (7/13)

Friday, October 30, 2009

The New World Asthetes

MOTHERFUCKER, don't squeeze them, jiggle them. remember, you ain't kneading dough.

The New World Asthetes

.........Then jiggle my balls a bit.

The New World Asthetes

The NWA says "SUCK MY COCK BUCKYlicious! suck it long and hard. Suck it fast, the slow, then build up to fast again, then hard. MOTHERFUCKER

Thursday, October 29, 2009

music for my freaks part 1

Just a quick playlist to set the mood for my people at work, play, and everyone inbetween. Thanks to O, DJ Dave, Chapis, and ISA for the songs and inspiration.


One of Pimpalicious niggas told Pimpalicious bout this blog so Pimpalicious did so. Most of this shit is above Pimpalicious head or is shit Pimpalicious don't care about but a few posts had Pimpalicious buggin. Apparently muthafuckas write in to this blog get advice from some nigga named the "Chooch Punisher" and another cat named "Bucky." Advice about bitches no less. Now Pimpalicious asks--who knows more about bitches than a pimp? So why muthafuckas askin bout bitches to some nigga who calls himself the Chooch Punisher and another nigga named Bucky? Never in the history of pimpin has a pimp been named Bucky. And what the fuck is a "chooch?" Nigga it's a COOCHIE!

So allow Pimpalicious to set this muthafucka right. If you wanna know about bitches, you need to holla at Pimpalicious. Pimpalicious will now give you a pimps perspective on what these niggas been talkin about:

1) How long should a nigga wait before punishing another coochie.

First off nigga why you wastin time fuckin a bitch? Every time you fuck a bitch you costin yourself money. If you need pussy that bad, you best have another one out there makin money. Otherwise you doin what we like to call in ho-bidness "deficit fuckin." Next question.

2) Is game really game or a manifestation of one's true self stripped of doubt and fronts?

The previous answer was good, but let me put you up on some real game. Game is merely a word to describe the honey you put in a ho ear. You tell that ho what she NEEDS to hear in order for you to accomplish your goal--Pimpalicious bein money, yours probably somethin lame like gettin yo lil dick sucked. Either way, that's all "game" is. Other people want to use "game" to describe a hustle, but Pimpalicious hustle ain't no game. Games are for kids. This here is real shit. Next question

3) What is the perfect titty to ass ratio?

What the fuck? Do it matter? That bitch got pussy? THAT'S ALL THAT MATTERS. Pimpalicious has seen the flattest chests and the flattest asses make money. It's always some mark ass trick out there that will pay for pussy--no matter what's attached to it. Next fuckin question.

4) I want to impress my new girl, but I really don't know what to do...

Pimpalicious isn't even sure that's a question. Anyway, you don't need to do SHIT to impress that ho (or any ho for that matter). Simply tell that bitch what she NEEDS to hear. Won't cost you a muthafuckin dime, just a lil time. And if you can't figure out what she NEEDS to hear, find a bitch that you can and move on. Next question.

Unfortunately there are no more questions worth Pimpalicious time. The rest seem to be lookin for relationship advice--and that is not what you come to a pimp for. Pimpalicious don't do relationships. There is only one relationship with Pimpalicious--and that's Pimpalicious and Pimpalicious money. Pimpalicious ain't a gangsta but Pimpalicious can handle his shit bitch! Don't test Pimpalicious when it come to Pimpalicious money!

Pimpin deliciously and deliciously pimpin


Rihanna's racy new album cover shows her covered in nothing but barbed wire. Too bad she didn't do that a few months ago. As much as hip-hop stars love mistreating women, even Chris Brown may have reconsidered punching a bitch covered with tiny spikes. Anyway, at least now cattle will stop leaning on her.


Happy F**king Halloween

Halloween is here and once again no one seems to give a shit. Perhaps people discovered they can drop $5 on a sack of candy instead of spending $50 to dress their kids like characters from a shitty movie and hauling their whiny asses around town for three hours only to end up with two tiny Snickers and some Smarties.

Sure, that could be the reason, but for the sake of this blog, I'm going to say it has to do with the fact that Halloween has no official mascot. Every other holiday has its mascot: Christmas has Santa Claus, Easter has its bunny and Thanksgiving has its dead Indian.

You could say the Devil is Halloween's mascot, but the religious connotations hardly make him ideal. The other mascots I mentioned are lovable and cuddly; Santa and the Easter Bunny are what allow their respective holidays to go down so smooth.

Christmas and Easter simply wouldn't work if we focused on a 13-year-old slut giving birth next to some donkeys or some guy getting beat to shit, hung up like a scarecrow, tossed in a cave for three days and coming back to life. Bullshit stories are only cute when they are universally accepted as bullshit.

With that in mind, I offer some potential Halloween mascots. And if any of these contradict what I wrote earlier, remember these are jokes. I know every dick who sees a flashing line in an empty box feels it is their duty as an infallible authority on all subjects to weigh in on everything no matter how ironic or retarded it is. But it's not. Just call yourself a genius and move on. Oh internet - who else could've shown us our collective consciousness is worthless? Anyway, here's my gay list.

Hitler - Why bother conjuring up some holiday mascot when you've got a perfectly evil historical figure going to waste? He's already a mascot of sorts, but what are those six possum-fuckers from Alabama going to do about it if society co-opts him?

Evil Jesus - In essence, Halloween is just the counter-culture's response to decent holidays. So why not simply take their beloved cartoon character and turn it on its ear? Evil Jesus might be the perfect representation. Incidentally, Evil Jesus doesn't have a goatee.

Evel Knievel - "Evel" is right there in his fucking name - this can't miss! It's even spelled wrong, which is totally more evil than regular evil.

Josh Groban - To repeat an earlier point, Halloween is counter-culture. And what could be more counter-culture than making your mascot something so synonymous with lame that it alienates your cool cohorts? Sort of like your hipster friend liking Yanni. Or anyone liking Twilight.

Existing Corporate Mascot - Talk about a win-win for consumption. Santa's great for cashing in on our consumerism, but imagine how great it'd be for Mattel if he was their registered trademark. Or if Cupid's likeness belonged to Kay Jewelers? Halloween should cash-in where others failed to and make Willy Wonka their mascot. Or whatever character represents diabetes medication.

Religious Mascot Multi-Pack - The problem with holidays is they are exclusive by nature. "This holiday is for that religion, that holiday is for this country, my holiday doesn't allow monkey-rape, blah blah blah." So why not do with Halloween what we failed to do with other holidays?

Have a greedy, circumcised ghost for the Jews; a witch wearing a bomb-vest for Muslims; a mentally-challenged, boy-touching ghoul for Christians; and a condescending black cat for atheists. By being all-inclusive, Halloween can be far more profitable than competing holidays. Which is the point, right? Or are we still pretending love and faith exist? No one keeps me updated.


Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Stanky Leg

This made me laugh literally out loud in my cube...once I was convinced he would not fall off.

Friday, October 9, 2009

From Under a Dark Cloud, somewhere in St. Louis...

Dear Sports Gods,
WTF. One choke per day is about all we should have to handle, please.
A depressed St. Louis Fan

Give THIS GUY a Nobel Peace Prize!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Accomplishment or punch line?

Today Barack Obama added to his resume of historical achievements by winning the Nobel Peace Prize. There have been a variety of reactions, from joy to confusion to even anger. My reaction however is fear.

Obama winning the Nobel Prize makes me fear the world does not take take our country and its first Black president seriously. Giving Obama the Nobel Peace Prize just 8 months into his presidency (a term in which he really hasn't accomplished much) is the equivalent of patting a child on the head in an effort to encourage. Indeed the former President of Finland said "I see this as an important encouragement."

My point is that the world still sees Obama as a "boy"--both young and inexperienced and barely in political puberty, but also the same way a cop in Alabama might pull you over for DWB. Granted the latter is mostly here at home (Bill O'Riley, Rush Limbaugh, etc.) but the attitude still exists. With Obama still cutting his teeth on the global stage, it's almost as if the world is coddling him like a soccer mom would her child in their first soccer game. "It's okay honey, just run toward the goal! Eventually you will score!" As an American and as a Black man I'm slightly offended by this. Sure I'm happy to see that there are actually those out there that want Obama to succeed. But treat him like a man--admire his ideas (and ideals) by pressuring other world leaders to buy in.

Giving Obama the Nobel Prize is supposed to have this effect. It's supposed to give him "clout" on the world stage, the same way it did Gorbachev in the 90s. I'm not buying. Giving Obama the prize at this stage devalues the American Presidency. The American people and the world are already starting to tune Obama out mainly because he's talking so much. Obama TALKS (as often as possible) about universal healthcare, disarming nukes, condemning Israeli settlements in the West Bank, and sending more troops into Afghanistan. As Obama continues to talk and more attention is lavished on him, it becomes less important when he actually has something real to say. Arguably talking is Obama's greatest strength, (it certainly leads to the perception that he can do something), however with the world view of the West generally and America specifically being what it is, we have to lead by example before anyone begins to hear what Obama says. America has to disarm it's own nukes. We can't continue to blatantly side with Israel in the Middle East. We can't condemn "extremists" for "atrocities" and then send in drones to bomb villages and kill innocent people.

Certainly Obama has taken the anti-Bush approach in that he's not reacting in knee jerk fashion. Even in the Somali pirate scenario in the spring Obama took a few days to send in the Navy Seals. Taking the first year to get a lay of the land is certainly understandable. Talking about what needs to get done and taking ones time to strategize the best way to achieve it isn't a bad idea. But it is NOT Nobel Prize worthy. Bringing national attention to Jim Crow? Organizing a revolution such that the world would take notice and pressure the United States to change it's racist practices? Uniting a group of people under one cause? MLK won the Nobel Prize for these things. While Obama inspired a new generation of people to get involved in politics and participate in the democratic process (arguably the only reason he would be nominated within 12 days of being sworn into office) he certainly hasn't achieved much else yet. He's still running towards the goal, trying to score. Now the whole world knows it thanks to the Nobel committee.

I Have Also Won A Nebel Peace prize

I won it for making myself a cup of coffee, that will quench my thirst as I think about ways to be awesome.


Jokey Jokemaker 316

The New World Asthetes do NOT approve Obama

Hello Dear Readers,

Barack Obama has has won a Nobel Peace Prize, for what I understand to be, effort. I was always under the impression that prizes were awared to people who did something. The Nomination deadline was 2 weeks in to the Obama Presidency, and at that time, Obama's biggest task was which dog to choose for his girls. Obama maybe won for his oral presentation on why he should win it. This is nothing short of bastardization of the Nobel Peace Prize. This sets a really low bar for others who will undoubtedly follow. I understand the significance of an Obama presidency, but then all who come after will need to be similarly recognized.

A similar event took place when Latinos wanted to have Roberto Clemente's number tetired in baseball in for every team. A segment of the population said it would dimish the legacy of Jackie Robinson, the first black baseball player. Roberto Clemente derived his fame by being a good player, but a great HUMANITARIAN.
Clemnte died while trying to deliver supplies to a latin nation after a devastating earthquake. The fact that his number is not retired is a farce, and any who oppose the idea really need to take a step back and remember how it felt to not have jackie Robinson's number retired. But back to the show. This is very bad for Obama in the eyes of the world, because now he is open to the scrutiny of his failed plans such as Guantanamo Bay, Health Care, Cash for Clunkers, the Failed Olympics bid, etc. He his greatest accomplishment so far is calling kanye a jackass, and having beer with a cop, and a racist professor. But fucking hey, at least he TRIED.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009


Yeah, i love my city like no other. I have been other places and seen many podunk towns, but mine is still my favorite. No disrespect Brooklyn or SF , but to me, you can't top the Chi! I am from here and you are from there....RESPECT! This place is not where I merely live or work but it is in my blood. It is where my parents American Dream came true, and where mine continues to prosper. Now for you other misinformed people, SHUT UP! When I want your opinion I will fucking shoot myself because it would have more meaning and logic than anything you might have to offer me.

Harsh...yeah a little, but I reps the Southside. Yeah the proud blue collar Southside. Oh, I know you think you know us because you saw the video of the kid getting beaten to death. No we are not animals and we dont pratol the streets for honor students to graphically beat on Cell cams. No you morons, the whole of the city is not like that. Tragedy can strike anywhere, just ask Boulder, CO, or Virginia Tech. Hell go to your closest suburb and read about the laters pedophile on the loose. Shit, Drug Cartels are setting up in the suburbs now due to ease they can operate in villages with lax police support.

There is a reason you came here from the suburbs, trailer parks, and one road towns. We are art. We are culture. We are a place where you can actually meet different people and learn something a fucking book can't teach you. We are opportunity. You come here for our clubs, our people, our scenic views. You come here for a chance to better ur small town life, which clearly didn't appeal to you. If you came, so did the rats, but that is real life. Real experiences, real living. Yes, you have to watch your kids a little more closely, and yes you have to deal with evil a little more often, but such a small price to pay. You wanted to perform on the big stage well here you DANCE or shut up and get out.

As a product of this "bullshit, crooked politcs, dirty, dangerous" city, I am tired of hearing about ur shit. You come here and complain about what is wrong, what is dirty, what is needed. You still come here though and love our jobs, our people, our city, but you have to throw in your complaints like it actually is going to help or do something about what is bugging you. Well guess what, and this is a lesson of survival, suck it up and do something about it. Go ahead and get up off ur lazy ass and do something about it.

Tired of the cops not coming when you call to report a crime? The next outreach meeting, SHOW UP! Or here is a crazy idea, when you see a crime and they ask you what you saw, go ahead and tell them what happened. Hell, just keep calling, and calling and calling! Only then will the men and women who risk their asses getting shot at, take u seriously enough to come and risk it again. Want to know why the police stop coming? Becaise if they arrest someone, and they ask for witnesses, people say "we ain't no snitches". Another reason is because when the cop does chase the fucking culprit 10 blocks and knocks his punk ass to the ground after he mugged someone, they guy claims Police Brutality and a whole community comes out and starts shouting Racism. You know when your kids suck, so do something about that and quit looking for others to do your damn job.

Want to know why the REVENUE van comes steady and often? Because the city has thousands of workers, who keep it running, clean, and a place you brag to your friends about when they call you all starry eyed. The city continues to clean itself up but it doesnt matter without the help of the residents. Do you think all the boulevards and parks popped up out of nowhere? Do you think they went shit for no reason too? That is why we need to do whatever it takes to improve ourselves, not hate on every move to do exactly that.

Got a problem with our weather, get a coat or move!
Got a problem with our CROOKED for a job or MOVE! (don't go to another major city though, you will find the same. See Guilliani, R. for instance)
Got a problem with paying to park, then walk or use the CTA which your small town cant even imagine having.

BE THE CHANGE YOU WANT! Quit bitching, because us city folk don't want to hear it. We have our own real problems like finding work in a down economy and you out of towners streaming in here looking for opportunities. Quit complaining, because I assure you, a quick trip back to where the fuck you all come from will remind you why you are here. QUIT TALKING SHIT, because in this city, we dont take too kindly to it.

As for the international community who didn't see us fit to hold the Olympics this time...I AM SORRY! I am sorry that GEORGE BUSH sucks dick. I am sorry that for the last 8 years this COUNTRY acted like a fuck frat boy talking out of turn and doing shit behind the safety of the stars and stripes. I am happy you finally recognized that South America should be considered part of the rest of the world, even if it saddens me that we weren't allowed to host a grand party. Trust me, i know you have no issues with us personally, and that you are still stinging from being disrespected by our country for the last 8 years. I get it, hell I would be pissed too, but we need to heal. My boy from CHICAGO is a cool cat. Talk to him, you will feel better about trusting us again. When you're ready, let us know and we will have a slice of deep dish and a cold beer waiting for you. We will be right here, and we are ready to play with you guys again, and share the toys.

Chicago, IL

Blues Brothers - Sweet Home Chicago

We are the New World Asthetes

Dear readers,

You bore me. A great deal of you bore me, and a few of you really bore the fuck out of me. I was at home mulling over how I could make this blog better, when a chance conversation between my daughter and niece happened. My niece was telling my daughter about some "Popular girls," in her class. My daughter asked what I would have asked. "What makes them popular?" My niece says "I don't know, but people call them the popular girls." My daughter, who is my pride and joy says: "Why don't you call yourself popular, so you can be with the ""In" crowd." My niece says this is impossible, as others would not consider her popular. My daughter says "Do whatever you want, but those girls and yourself are all dumb."

This conversation thrilled me, as my daughter at the age of 7 had concrete opinions as to the fleeting nature of popularity, and how it is justly/unjustly earned. She understood the complex nature of public perception, and how it is ultimately possible that the masses are asses. In her honor, I have decided to call my very best friends in the world, and form a club of people who will debate/argue/learn/teach/listen/praise people and ideas for you. I will call this club the New World Asthetes, or NWA for short. on the roster are:

Jokey Jokemaker316 - Logic (What is valid, what's invalid, what can be proven)

Rapahel De La Ghetto - Asthetics (Beauty, art, and taste)

The Raving Lunatic - Ethics (Which actions are right, and which actions are good)

The Handsome Righthander - Epistemology(What we know, and HOW we know it

The Chooch Punisher - Metaphysics (What role we play in the grand scheme of thing)

Bella Baggins - Teleology (The study of design, overall purpose, and end).

NOTE: If I don't take it easy on my daughter, do not expect me to take it easy on you. I feel that she is right for the challenge of fielding your ideas, questions, and comments. I once asked her why she thought Giraffes had long necks. She did not give me ny kiddy bullshit answers, she asnwered: "So they can reach the tender leaves they like to eat." I could have said something about grass or bushes or something, but she delivered her answer with a sort of blunt finality that discouraged further debate.

So we, the NWA, are here to justly rule over you. Let the reign last for a thousand years. Feel free to send ideas, questions, and concerns to the NWA. Please address your questions to a specific person, or to the general council.



Curbing youth violence--a summit

Dear Mr. Holder,

It has come to my attention that you are in our fair city to try and find solutions to the "problem" of violence among our youth. I'd like to propose a very unrealistic, unlikely solution for you and the rest of our various levels of government to try.

First, end poverty. Any psychologist worth their salt will tell you the root cause of many of the problems facing "at risk" youth are socio-economic. Lack of opportunity and education leads to fewer choices. Fewer choices makes it easier to succumb to peer pressure. Soon the kids that were "on the fence" are not honor students but wanna be gangstas.

Ironically the same issue is going on abroad. Many of the "insurgents" we are fighting in the middle east and central Asia are fighting because the extremists feed them and provide them with basic needs. The U.S. is blowing shit up rather than offering jobs and building schools. If we could do what the Al Qaeda/Taliban wouldn't there wouldn't be "insurgents." Similarly, providing jobs and education to poor people would limit the influence of gangs and other "unsavory" characters in our communities.

Second, force the FCC to get rid of crappy television. No I'm not one to blame the violence in our communities on rap and TV. However, garbage music begets garbage music videos--and what do you think kids are watching when they get home from school? Television (and the Internet to some extent) allows us to romanticize all sorts of ignorance--from "making it rain" to the spoils of being a successful drug dealer to the prospect of making it on to a reality TV show, Americans (and impressionable kids who feel trapped in "the hood") are easily impressed by this crap (especially when there are scantily clad women involved). Am I saying replace it with educational programming? Not really. But Jim Jones and Rick Ross shouldn't be more recognizable to our kids than you are.

Now why is this unrealistic and why won't it happen? Because we're a capitalist society. There HAS to be poor people. It is mathematically impossible to have capitalism and NOT have a caste system--everyone cannot be rich or poor. Capitalism also dictates that there be competition. That competition includes competing for our attention. Which means broadcasting companies are allowed to show whatever they want (within the rules of course) so long as they think it will bring viewers. So BET is allowed to exist. VH1 can continue to put on the same show with different characters. And the companies that advertise during this show can continue to prey on poor people. ("Do you have bad credit? Are you in an insane amount of debt? Do you have no credit?")

While this letter has a certain amount of sarcasm and cynicism to it, it is sincere. The point however is you cannot fix this problem unless you're willing to flip the system on it's head. We certainly appreciate your concern and willingness to try and find solutions. But after school programs and meetings among adults who have never experienced the trials and tribulations these kids are currently going through (or haven't experienced them for decades) won't cut it.


The meanest, the prettiest, the baddest mo-fo low down around this town

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

A city in decline--Sho Nuff's first RANT!

I first came to Chicago in August of 1996. The city was generally dirty as most big cities are, and was literally a concrete jungle. "Green space" was an environmentalist dream--it simply didn't exist.

In the short time I've lived in this city Daley managed to revitalize and clean it up. Gentrification and beautification took hold so that now we have all kinds of parks and the north side isn't the only place to be. I've had the pleasure of seeing 4 World Champion teams (luckily none of them on the north side). I was beginning to actually like the city. I even bought season tickets to my beloved White Sox.

Then Daley upped the ante--he wanted Chicago to get the Olympic games in 2016. Many of us (especially south siders) began drinking the Kool-aid--Daley's attention was finally going to be focused on the south side! There'd be economic development! They'd fix the streets! They'd actually quash violence! But then something weird happened. The city began to care more about revenue than anything else. Department of Revenue vans were dispatched more than police. Traffic cameras began to go up around the city to make the city "safer." The focus has been on the city's budget rather than actually improving the city.

I get that in order for many of the aggressive projects Daley has in mind that money is necessary. But there are ways to raise money and ways to enforce laws. The city of Chicago has chosen law enforcement as a way to raise money--meanwhile the law enforcement officers can't be found when it comes to keeping the citizenry safe. Police don't want to do paper work unless it leads to a fine. Department of Revenue vans ride up and down residential streets trying to find cars to ticket. A 911 call from a disabled person to complain about a car parked in disabled parking yields a faster response than a call to report drug dealing in front of a day care center.

Add this to the weather and the way the entire County is run and I'm actually beginning to hate this city. I still love my White Sox. And I still love what the city itself has to offer. But now our politicians are squeezing us at a time when folks are already short on money. I understand that as economic times get worse, government grows to provide the safety net. But once the coffers are flush do I get a refund? Hell no.

On Saturday I paid money into a pay box that did not print me a ticket. I called the number on the pay box and was advised to move to another pay box and pay that one. I asked "what about the money I put in already?" No refunds I was told. So I now have to pay to park twice, all because the machine is broken? Ironically this is the same thing happening with my local government. I pay higher real estate taxes despite declining home values. I get a ticket because someone else knocked my license plate off my car. I have to pay to park in places that were once free parking. I have to pay higher sales tax to shop close to home. I have to pay twice because the machine is broken. And with all this money I'm spending the South side still isn't improving. Kids are still getting beat to death. Stray bullets are still killing innocents. Hustlers are still slangin in front of store fronts. Empty lots are still undeveloped and the streets still have potholes. And the north side is attempting to catch up on this negative development what with it's Lincoln Park muggers, beatings and rapists. And Chicagoans wonder why the IOC didn't find us fit?

Unfortunately our President already beat this horse to death but it really is time for change. Daley, Stroger and Quinn all must go. Maybe Chicago even needs to go red for a while--blasphemous I know but since there are 12-13 independents in the entire state (with me being one of them) there realistically isn't anywhere else to turn. SOMETHING's gotta change. Or else I'm moving.