Shout OUT!

HAPPY BDAY to Bella Baggins (7/6) and the BIGS (7/13)

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Water: kool aid with no flavor or color

Drink water because it is good for you.

If you went out and drank all the alcohol someone gave you...drink water. See alcohol actually dries you out. no does. That is why you are dehydrated and need water. I understand your confusion because you thought it was ok since liquor is in liquid form, but no it does not hydrate you. You really should drink some WATER. Take gulps of it. Splash around like rap video hoes in Crystal (really just WATERED down ginger ale). Put it in a WATER gun and shoot people or aim for your mouth.

Woke up with a dry mouth...WATER!
Have to iron your Walk of Shame clothes before you hit office? WATER in the iron for wrinkle fighting STEAM action! Important when you have slept on the floor on your side for fear you might choke on your own puke.
Take a shower with WATER and drink some as you try to remember where you left your dignity.

WATER in short is good for you. So drink tons of it and you will be feeling right as RAIN!


Wednesday, July 28, 2010


if i bang my head against the wall will you stop?

Have you ever had a conversation with someone who just wouldn't get it? I don't mean doesn't get it, or can't get it, but purposefully set their brain to not get it. You throw fact A, B, and C, and they refuse to even hear any word you're saying. Hell, they start picking out the 'real' meanings behind the statements and now all of a sudden you find yourself defending against accusations that you slept with a waitress in Cancun in 2008 when all you were talking about was what you wanted for dinner.

I have these conversations quite often with people. I mean we all do to varying degrees. Working in tech does that for me, as people still cant figure out how we got that magical elf into their machine, or how we get him to do their work faster. Those convo's arent bad...the ones that drive me almost bat shit crazy are the ones with an EX. Good lord.... Wait, I see a lot of you out there shaking your heads. Really? So you know what I am talking about? WOW...a large majority of you do. I think I am panicky.

Has this ever happened to you?
  • They still want to know what you're doing.
  • Who you're with.
  • What you ate, and why
  • What's the name of the whore/asshole you fucking had the nerve to get with AFTER you broke up and how that is still a form of cheating. (funny thing is they have a person of their own)
  • Calls to talk about one thing that transform into a fight about something else that isnt up for discussion.
My people...I HAVE!!! I fight the urge with all my strength to GO THE FUCK OFF! I want to turn it into a street battle. I want to break out the mental equivalent of a gatling gun and unload verbal round after verbal round decimating the very fabric of strength and being. Basically, i want to sit like a Roman general on the field of battle and unleash hell. I want to enter in the verbal nuclear codes and make Hiroshima look like a pellet gun. If I could master the Vulcan Mind meld and use it to erase the very thoughts of their heads and reduce the person to a child....well actually that wouldnt be that hard to do. Isnt this the normal response?

Still I don't! Nope...cant do it...won't do it...SHALL NOT DO IT. I will admit I have run out of polite and creative ways around this situation. I am currently trying to master the art of fighting...without fighting, like my master Bruce Lee, but it is definitely hard. So I ask you...what do you guys do? Do you go all out Rambo, or have you figure out a way to respond without responding?


Wednesday, July 21, 2010

$$$$ indoor tent $$$$

so my son has a new huge indoor tent. I mean this thing fits 6 kids, or me and him real comfortable and stands 5' tall. We popped it up in the house and now it is my new resting place for the night. The lilMAN doesnt even entertain sleeping on the bed, and since he is who he is, i now have to sleep on the floor with the tent.

This got me thinking...what happenend to pillow forts? You know..grabbing the couch cushions and some covers and creating what you imagined to be as intricate and sturdy as the fucking Death Star. Serious..who didnt hide in these pillow forts and think they were in some Bond Villain lair? I used to have walkie talkies in there for communication to the outside world. I thought i was in the equivalent of NORAD with all my technology. Sure my parents would rip off the covers when it was dinner, or my brother would invariably knock it down because he wanted to get it in, but regardless it was AWESOME! Now? 30 bucks buys you a pop up tent (means ur dumb ass doesnt have to do any work to set it up) and BOOM..the Taj Mahal of pillow forts flies open in front of you
Why didnt i come up with this idea when i was playing with cardboard boxes, and covers hanging off of my mom's couch? Damn it! What other million dollar ideas have i let slip through my fingers?


Funny thing about being me...

You know how you go through your whole life defining yourself? Well, I was recently thinking about this as I was getting asked simple, logical, and insulting questions during a pre-trial.
"Is it ok if you see your son every other Thursday?"
FUCK YOU MUTHAFUCKA! That is my son, and no it is not fucking ok despite what the fuck she is saying. That came out: 'No, you're taking my days away, and this not ok'.

It hit me after a few more gems like this that some people are just a piece of shit and dont do anything with their lives. They would rather blame you and me, and society for their ills, instead of work or better themselves so that they can support themselves. They would rather see you devastated and miserable instead of doing the right thing.

See, growing up i modeled myself after my dad and mom, taking from them, learning from them, studying them. I knew there were certain things i couldnt get away with and being a shiftless deadbeat with zero morals wasnt going to fly. Along the way, my Uncle and Aunt taught me even more. Taught me to be happy, and that it was ok to dream bigger. It was ok to have some fun and reinforced what it was like to be happy with one another. My friends...well those sons of bitches made sure my head didnt get to big. Christ, i think sometimes they reveled in it too much, but they were also there when i needed them. This is how i and my siblings were raised, and for this, People HATED on us all the time because of it. HATED that our parents protected us so much. HATED on us because they were 'obnoxious' about how well we did or behaved like that is a sin. HATED that they pushed us to do well and were always so involved. HATED that our friends were family, and acted like it.

Why do I bring this up? Because I am awesome! This occurred to me when a lawyer walked up to my dad, and shook his hand, and told him, "Your son is an honorable man." This occurred to me when my uncle and aunt put their arm around my shoulders and told me Monday, it is going to be ok. This occurred to me when my friend and co-worker took time to be with me and offered to buy my a beer despite having the world on his shoulders. This occurred to me when the woman was more nervous that i was because i was going into war. This occurred to me when my new female bff supportd me and was ready to erupt in a courtroom because i was getting screwed. This occurred to me when my best friend, her husband, slapped my back as hard as he could and said..."you're free man...enjoy it. it's over."

A funny thing about me is that i am awesome, because no one i know would let me be otherwise. No serious, they almost enjoy it too much when i fuck up so that they can beat me up. Still, that is why i am awesome...oh and one more thing...I ROLL DEEP!...I roll real fucking deep, and WE are down for whatever!

Rage Against the Machine - testify

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

I am pretty sure I am hungry

Taken from

Baby, I am hungry.  When I say I am hungry, I mean to say that I am hungry for you.  Its funny though, because my hunger for you is like regular hunger.  I mean a hunger one would have when no food has entered their stomach for some time.  Regardless, I hunger.   Sweet thing, since you've been gone, The Punisher just hasn't been the same. I am not ashamed to admit to you, I miss your loving. Since you left, I have been unable to drive the memories of you from my mind. Day and night, I dream of you. I dream of all the wonderful moments we shared together. I dream that one day, I will enjoy the privilege and pleasure of rat tat tatting that fat ass once again. There will be tenderness also. 

Sexy lady, I want to invite you back to my place and create a special night for you. I want you to lay back on my couch made of the finest Corintian leatherand  make everything all right again. I want to make you a gourmet meal and serve it to you on only the finest china, or Chinet, which is stiff cardboard.  We will enjoy wine and candlelight, and I will make roast duck or pheasant, or a meal of equal or greater fineness. Only the finest meal is to be presented before my baby. There will be gravy and pickled jalapeno peppers also.

I will hand-spoon the meal into your sweet mouth. Every bite. And I won't rush you. I will not present you with another bite until after you are completely done with the one you are on at that time. I would never rush you baby.  I would also take bites of the meal, because the naked pleasure on your face as you enjoy the meal would increase my own hunger.  Hunger for you, hunger for us, and hunger because I have not eaten in a while.  We would both eat. 

I believe that after I prepare this superb meal for you, you would want to make me your dessert.  You would forgive me for all the wrong I've done you. I know deep down you will. You will because I am truly sorry for all those things I did to you. And I am deeply sorry for all the things I said to you. You know I didn't mean any of it. The Chooch Punisher punishes many chooches with his cock, but he loves only you with all of his heart and for all of eternity.  Them ladies were just whores for all he cares.  Beautiful, big-breasted , fat-assed whores. 

The only time the Chooch Punisher is ever happy is when he is eating a meduim rare porterhouse or wagyu steak, or thinking of you. Don't you see, baby? I can't live without you or eating.

When I am thinking about you, I am thinking about sprinkling the floor of your home with rose petals. Then I want to put on your favorite Jodeci tape on the single small stereo that plays tapes,  and dance with you real slow. Then I want to slowly pull your clothes off your smooth, sexy body and move you onto the floor. Then, I want to get on top of you and not stop untill the cops have to taser me to get me off your delicious whipped cream and anjou pear covered body. I like pears.

And you know, girl, when the Chooch Punisher says he will love you all night long, he means all night long. There might be a few breaks for eating, or for stretching out cramped hamstring muscles that have become twisted and painful from prolonged rythmic chooch punishing.  From the early evening of night to the break of dawn. I will not sleep until you are satisfied. I will attend to your every desire.  I will massage you with edible oils, tantilize your perfect nipples with strawberries, watermelons, or pineapples, and procede to kiss away any remaining chocolate sauce from your body.  I will not be concerned that we have fucked up my satin sheets.  I will not be concerned with my own happiness whatsoever. Only your happiness, and my hunger will be thought of.  After I have eaten a burrito or whatever and have finished jamming my cock in your mouth, I will rub scented jasmine lotion all over your naked body. I will wrap you in the fucked up satin sheets and hold you. I will slap your ass tenderly, Partly because you ruined my sheets, and partly because you ate the last slice of pizza. 

Baby, I just want to be your love chef. I will make it my sole mission in life to be your servant. And I will not stop pleasing you until the day I die. I will also force you to submit to dress up sessions and role-playing that you are a waitress and I am a mean hungry customer.  I will say things like "Get me my steak Bitch!" in a loving and playful way.  Man, I would love a torta sandwhich from atotonilco's right about now.   

The Chooch Punisher
love chef

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

I gotta talk real fast...

Wanted to say, i heart my son, my family, and my friends for being the best. If you out there are not feeling the love, please put down what you're doing and go talk to someone, and make a bond. At the end of the day, when everyone is trying to bring you down, you def need someone to drink with, talk to, or to tell you unconditionally that they love you!

Plan B is to fly all over the place and try to get 10 million air miles!


ps...yes i did watch UP IN THE AIR!