Shout OUT!

HAPPY BDAY to Bella Baggins (7/6) and the BIGS (7/13)

Monday, March 30, 2009

Too Big to fail

Perhaps I'm an idiot.  I thought we lived in a country with a capitalist economy that supposedly encouraged competition among businesses.  This allegedly gives consumers a benefit--the more choices, the better the pricing and the better the quality.

Yet my government is telling me that there are organizations that need to be bailed out because if they failed it would be catastrophic.  How is this possible?  If AIG failed, there are hundreds of insurance companies that would kill each other to try and gain the market share.  The same for the car manufacturers.  The car manufacturers are more about national pride--we don't want to lose U.S. auto making--so don't make it about jobs and money.  The foreign companies would just enlarge their foot print in the U.S.  Many of them already have plants in the U.S. and employ non-union U.S. workers.  So if U.S. parts suppliers were no longer supplying parts to U.S. auto companies, guess who they'd have to supply parts for?  It's like if you imported Coffee and Kraft (or Quaker Oats/Pepsi or whoever) decided they were gonna get rid of Maxwell House--you'd sell coffee to someone else!  That's the way capitalism is supposed to work!

Businesses fail ALL THE TIME.  What happens as a result?  NEW BUSINESSES or BUSINESS GROWTH.  Andersen begot Monroe Street Partners, while KPMG, Grant Thornton and Toilet and Douche got bigger.  TIG begot SUA.  Datsun began Nissan.  Within 10 years, there will be companies to replace Circuit City, Linens and Things, and any and all of the other companies that have failed in the last year.  Or Bed Bath and Beyond and Best Buy will expand market share.  That's what's SUPPOSED to happen.

Meanwhile don't tell me that companies are too big to fail.  Sure AIG is a global conglomerate that underwrote several of the securities that are being blamed for our current financial situation.  And because we know those securities are worthless, no one will underwrite them anymore.  When you buy car insurance, the pay out for the car if it's totaled goes down the longer you have the car; why shouldn't the pay out for securities be the actual value of the security?  In understand insuring one's investment, but this is ridiculous.  AIG is still paying people, meaning they took all the risk while the investors had none (because they were insured with AIG).  Minus that retardedness, CNA, Metlife, Allstate, Nationwide, etc. would line up to underwrite the rest of AIG's business.  The worst that would happen?  The investors holding policies against bad assets don't get paid--which is what would happen had they just bought a bad stock or invested in Maddoff.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009


Don't u hate it when u have a song trapped in ur head? I mean it just sits there, and u have no means to get it out. You try to dig it out with another song and all u get is a mix into the damn song. You try to think of something else like apartheid, and all u get is a gruesome video set to the soundtrack of this annoying ass song.

Well at my work there is a guy who's specialty is to walk around and hmm the worst song he can think of. Whether it be the chicken dance or the Macarena. He starts off all low, then goes full blown into it, and if he doesn't get u, he asks why u arent singing it. Now if you respond, he's got you because now ur brain is exposed. You will hate urself more than that time u hooked up with that random one nighter in grade school. Really just bad times.

Well lately, I had this song in my head and I just couldnt get it out. I mean I tried. I listened to hip hop, new wave, mix tapes and even reggaeton, but nothing seemed to work. It got more and more powerful. I would find myself thinking about it all day, and wanting to shake my head or bash it against the wall. Finally, it just left. Like it was done ravaging my mind and decided, "you know what, I will be back, so enjoy ur peace bitch."

So my question is, does anyone have a cure for this? IS there a fool proof way of ridding urself of this insanity? People lets hear ur thoughts!

So I always wanted to be a DJ....

yep..the worst kept secret in the world is out. I have always wanted to mix phat beats and do it so hard that people fell off the dance floor exhausted. I always wanted to wear the big headphones with one ear off and blend two seemingly unrelated songs into a a work of art. That was always a goal of mine. Hell, i would try to fade between to tapes in those old school boom boxes and, thought..."THAT WAS THE SHIT!"

So what happened you asked? Well simply, I didnt know where to get started. I had no sense of what I needed to do to make this impossible dream become a reality. I would ask a couple DJs how they got started and they told me about their first decks and how it cost so much money. I never really wanted for anything as a kid, but my fam was pretty on the low income side. Moms would just stretch a dollar until Washington looked like Fat Albert. So thought of asking for equipment that would help me make that 'Garbage music' my dad was so fond of, well it never really jibed. Also, and more importantly, I didnt think I could. Even more important than that, I am the type of cat that would want the diamond tipped needles and the latest deck, despite have no real concept of what the fuck I was doing. Finally, I had my dad to teach me sports, and in particular Baseball.

Over the years I still scooped music and in myhead try to think what went with what. I would hear a song, grip that, then go get every other version of it, IN CASE, one sounded better. Of course I bought the mix tapes/CDs, and now i download them. I will drown out my world with them....dancing away in my chair in my cube.

So here I am a smooth 31, and I have list of shit I have always wanted to do. You know outside of the big ones, like get a new life, raise my son the best way i can, and ensure my ticket to Heaven. I am not promising I am on the road to becoming a DJ, but I will say, i will look into it again. I am sure I am going to suck because, well i have terrible sense of time, but I will say I will try. This brings me to my final point...BIG FUCKING UPS TO my boys who did it or at least tried. Damn, that had to be rough buying all that shit, hoping you would be good. I don't know where u got the stones, but good work. This is why i have mad respect for anyone who can do things I can't or didnt do.

So, Miggy Migs (Trancid), Carlos Feliciano, Victor Salazar, Dave Macias (DJ Cratebug), serious big ups to you all. Keep doing what you do, while I jam out to your beats. Raf...u just do what u do...

i'm with the DJ

too funny not to post

Saturday, March 21, 2009

Because I know you guys wanna know about my vacation...

Lessons learned, observations, highlights and quotes from my four day weekend in sunny Arizona:

Lessons Learned

  • Do NOT stay at the Cottonwoods Resort and Suites in Scottsdale.  Why?  Because it's not a resort.  Sure it's expansive and has tennis courts--but no robes or slippers in the rooms, no spa on site and EVERYTHING is extra.  Not that I came to use any of those things but they should be there if the name of the hotel has "resort" in it.  Guess that's what I get for booking on Hotwire
  • If you're coming to Phoenix in the spring for a long weekend, don't come on Thursday--because everyone else is too.  Meanwhile, the car rental places will be out of cars, even if you have a reservation.  Get there Wednesday and save yourself the trouble of dealing with all the extra people in the airport.
  • Speaking of people at the airport, I've never been around an uglier collection of people at one time.  And I'm from the Midwest.  We're talking a range from flat out not cute to mugs who just didn't give a fuck about how they look.  Just no pride in self.  Thank God for Tacos + Tequila (dinner spot the last night) and Camelback Ranch, otherwise I'd be concerned for Phoenix.
  • If we ever get Richard, Mitch, John London and Sebastian in the same room at the same time, there's gonna be a good time had.  The level of fun will be much much lower should any of the alter egos show up.
  • Eff what you've read on is no where near being ready to pitch.  In fact he should retire or just throw batting practice (which is what he did in the Giants game Friday).  The man can't find the strike zone with GPS.
  • The Sox will struggle with infield defense this season.  Both Fields and Starting Second Baseman will be liabilities from what I've seen in my short time here.
  • Paulie however will be the Paulie that signed that huge contract extension after the World Series, provided he stays healthy.
  • The sun reflects its light off of light colored surfaces.  Which means all my white folks out there need to prepare for the coming warm weather.  Fake bake.  I really don't want to need sunglasses to see you walking down the street come May.  You could EASILY spot all the Midwesterners at Camelback Ranch--they were the extra pale folks.  The ones just glad to have some sun in their lives.  The ones that won't be able to move tomorrow due to sunburn.  Bottom line--either cover it up with some linen or brown it up before hand.
  • Scottsdale brings a new meaning to "baller."  Broke mugs drive Lexus's out there.  I'm talkin Rolls, Bentley's, etc.  And an unreasonable amount of Hummers for some reason (which isn't baller but whatever).
  • John McCain is full of shit.  Phoenix has more highway construction (i.e. pork projects) than any state I've seen in a while--and I live in Illinois and am from Ohio.  If he's not eating swine then it's his fellow senator from the state of AZ.  Either way AZ is getting all kinds of pork.

  • Scene: First baseline at Camelback ranch, right outside the men's bathroom.
  • The scenario: foul ball comes out of nowhere after bouncing onto the concourse and under the stairs leading to the "suites"
  • Action: Nick "The Esquire" Cummings shows that he's in mid season softball form by fielding the ball in spectacular fashion--diving with a Sox nap sack on his back and catching it with one hand while some kid Dodger fan lumbers toward him.  He not only didn't drop the nap sack, but the Ones stayed white and he didn't lose his hat.  Note: Concentration on the ball was so intense that I didn't even notice the kid.  Michelle had to tell me about it later.

  • "He's got a date with a rabbit." -- Michelle after spotting a guy in Fry's grocery store with mad veggies and some Amaretto in his basket.
  • "I'm not buying lemonade from a guy that looks like he's a child molester." -- Mitch in full Mitch mode at the Whitesox vs. Giants game on Friday commenting on the lemonade vendor.  Keep in mind it's hotter than a fat hooker in church who got a ride from her fat sister in their Smart Car with no AC--one shouldn't discriminate on where to buy lemonade but here we are.
  • "He who hesitates masturbates." -- Jim Carey in "The Cable Guy" which was on HBO EARLY Friday morning.  We were still on CDT and wide awake and not much else on on sucky hotel cable unless you're willing to pay.  And I'm just not a PPV kind of guy.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Is this felt?

Waitress: How're you guys doin'? Need anything?
Jackass drunk lawyer at lunch: Is this felt?
Waitress: What??
Jackass MARRIED drunk lawyer at lunch: (hand reaches inappropriate destination) NOW it is. (creepy grin)
Waitress: exits stage left, mortified and angry

This might have been funny 20 year ago, when you were young and allowed to be stupid. Leave it alone. Now you're just a creepy asshole who gets drunk and feels up waitresses at lunch.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

GET HIGH LIKE PAPER, get fly like planes

These are true real life stories and rants associated with my recent flight from the wonderful city of CHI to the warm humidity of JAMlando, home of Mickey Mouse and the John London Experience.

  1. THE SWA CHECK-IN - so on Southwest, if u dont check in at home, u basically have a 5%chance of getting an aisle or window seat. No bones about it, i am sure my mom suggested this because she is the type to show up at an airport 3 hours in advance and wait by the gate 2 hours in advance. If she could check into a flight a year in advance, you best believe she will. Me, I knocked it out a smooth 1 1/2 early from my sister’s house...others...they still go to the gate and that is where our story starts!

  2. THE OLD SWITCHAROO - So this guy is getting on my flight rocking the last known Ed Hardy Trucker Hat in existence, and he’s accompanied by a very diminutive, yet cute blonde chick. They are obviously very much in love. Of course they checked in late because they are in Group C, also known as, middle seat and apart from each other!!! I am in group B and as I get on the flight, some whipper snapper tries to step in front of me, failing to realize Southsiders dont play that shit and I quickly step in front and board the plane.

    I digress…Ed HArdy...well him and his woman are still star gazing. As i get on the plane i immediately realize seating is mad limited. So i scoop the first aisle I see. The last window was taken by the quicker Black guy in front of me, and lucky, because his boy took the aisle in the same row. As I am sitting i see ED HArdy roll on, blonde in tow...and they have realized what I did...there are no two seats together. So they go up to my row (mid way point) and start staring into the back hoping that his trucker hat will materialize this non existent couples seating. They are causing a log jam and people are grumbling...then the pilot comes on.. "WE ARE NOT LEAVING UNTIL WE FIND SOME SEATING...(ed hardy gets excited) for this mother and her 4 yr old child. Unless you want a crying kid sitting next to you...give up ur seat. (ed hardy was visibly crushed...CRUSHED!)

    So they dont move, instead they are still staring at the back of the plane. Then he heads 3 rows up from me and spots that no white person wanted to sit in between the bruthas...they were obviously middle class, but one wanted to take the chance. So ED HARDY rolls up, and starts bartering with the guy in the aisle seat (a smooth 5'10 220lbs) to take a middle seat a row in front of me, so that him and his girlfriend could sit together. He literally thought this was working. He was not going to sit his little blonde in between them for what i am sure he thought would break out into a tag team fest. So he keeps going...asking, pleading with this dude to give up his aisle seat to take a middle! Finally, and i have no idea why, the Aisle Black man, moves one seat over to the middle so that lil White girl could grab the aisle. Ed HArdy, resigned to the fact, he will not be sitting next to her, begins to stow his little, YES...ED HARDY MESSENGER BAG in the over head.

    Slamming the lid like a little kid asked to clean up his room. He spots a middle seat across the aisle and three rows up from the blonde smurfette and moves in quick. He starts asking that aisles window seat if he would trade his blonde smurfette's aisle seat for the window so they could sit togther, and therefore TOTALLY FUCKING OVER THE PREVIOUSLY AISLE BLACK MAN who is now, the BITCH MIDDLE SEAT BLACK MAN! The guy says sure, and the two black dudes start laughing realizing, one of them just got bitched. The former WINDOW guy is a smooth 5'6" 185 and he smiles because he realizes that his new row is going to be real snug. ED HARDY, you conniving bastard, I hope u get mugged!

  3. When at the airport, do not drown out all the noise around u with headphones…you will end trying to get on the wrong flight boarding at the gate next to yours. You will then experience that awkwardness that only loud headphones and sunglasses can help u escape from.

  4. Who shops from the sky mall? Do people crave bizarre products and inflated prices? It is fun to check out the LOTR stuff LOTR geeks will be picking up.

  5. The woman next to me is semi-cute and has arms almost as big as mine…should I be worried?

  6. Why is it that as soon as the wheels of the plane touch the ground people fire up their cell phones and initiate a 2 hour long convo full of longing emotion. The flight was 2 hours...u just left them 2 - 3 hours ago. Did those people purposefully not talk to their families all day, just to save up for the after flight convo?

  7. When planes land, why do people not in the first 10 rows fire out of their seat and stand in the aisle? YOU'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE. It is going to take a at least 10 min to get near you, so sit down and relax. You were most likely just on vacation!

so so fly,

M.I.A - Paper Planes (DFA REMIX)

Friday, March 13, 2009

ASK BUCKY! - Irish eyes are smiling...

Again, we revisit our neighborhood grouchy busy body, Bucky Done Gun, for advice to life's everyday quandries. Bucky studied under the Chooch Punisher but felt like he needed to branch out and do his own thing. On to the show...

Q: Is it ok to start drinking at 9:00am on Sat for St. Patty's day?
BDG: Of course...I mean ur starting later than normal u alcoholic, but it is for a good cause. St. Patrick was.... I mean...thanks to his contributions we have..... Oh Fuck it, just drink!

Q: When a girl says 'I dont normally do this on the first date', can i Believe her?
BDG: Sure. Normally i believe she just sleeps with the guy and drops the pretense, so she must really like you to go through with that bullshit story. Seriously, does it matter if she normally does it or doesnt? Ur too drunk to know her last name or too horny to care.

Q: My boss is riding my ass, and i really find it unfair. What should I do?
BDG: Your fucking job u lazy sack of shit. I find that if you actually do your work, your boss looks good and people leave u alone. Or just say fuck it and quit...being homeless is such a liberating experience.

Q: If I go on Craigs list to find a date, does that make me a loser?
BDG: yes! sorry, i have no other answer for you. The random hook up using Craigs list..ok, that makes u a good hunter. Attempting to find ur true love..well that is fucked up son!

Q: I like this guy, but he doesnt really notice me? Should I make the first move?
BDG: Well, do you want to go out with him? Do you like having sex? I mean, people this is the 2000s....step ur game up. Women, buy HIM a drink or keep on gold digging. Just know that there are expectations if u do. Yes, i am referring to you having to give up some ass. It is time to admit that the both sexes want the same thing and act accordingly.

Q: I got mean mugged by a butch woman at a bar. Can I treat her like a man and talk shit or does the rule 'you can't hit a woman' apply here?
BDG: It applies. Sure they want to dress, act, and smell like a dude, but they are not. Is she gonna get puffy chested...yep. Can you lay her out? Wait...can you? Some of these women are pretty tough. Just protect ur package and eyes, and back need to catch a case because someone shot u a dirty look.

Q: This girl keeps saying she will call me back but doesnt...should i worry?
BDG: worry about what?

  • Are you married? If yes, u should rejoice that ur not getting nagged.
  • Are you going out steady? Well then at least u dont have to worry about getting her something nice for her bday because she is about to break up with you.
  • Are you just talking/getting to know her? Well you just found out all u need to know. She is not into you and u need to move on to her best friend...

as always a total pleasure
-Bucky Done Gun!

Pontifications on the economy

You generally can't depend on an organization to fix itself.  The members of it are too vested and can't be objective.  It's why companies hire consultants.  So without further ado I offer my unsolicited consultative advice to the banking industry:

1. All lines of credit should have fixed terms.  Notice how secured credit has fixed terms--home loans must be paid off within 15 - 30 years.  Car loans anywhere from 3 - 6 years.  Fixed terms fix your payment.  Unsecured credit however has an unlimited term--if you never wanted to pay off your credit card you don't have to.  And the banks prefer it that way.  In their current format, banks want consumers to keep paying minimum payments.  This allows interest to accumulate on the account thus making the bank more money.  The assumption is that the consumer will eventually pay it.

If this recession has taught us anything it's that this assumption is wrong.  While banks continue to lend, they have no capital to do anything else so long as people aren't paying.  Outstanding consumer debt equals no capital for the bank to invest or re-lend.  Thus, banks should force people to pay by setting payments based on the amount outstanding and the number of months before the account "expires" (the same date the card expires would be one way to do this).  This would keep money in the bank while also helping consumers manage debt.

2. Change lending practices.  Lenders generally lend money and charge more money if the debtor is deemed "risky."  But why are they risky?  BECAUSE THEY MIGHT NOT BE ABLE TO MAKE THE PAYMENTS!  So what sense does it make to charge higher interest?  I get the whole "higher risk, higher reward" dynamic.  But more often than not, the risk "comes true" meaning the "reward" never comes.  It makes no sense to charge the person I'm really confident will pay me back less money than the person I know is iffy--and if the person is iffy why lend them money in the first place?

The answer should be simple--lend people with iffy credit less money and charge them the same interest as everyone else.  Coupled with a fixed term, force them to pay the money lent back, allowing them to build their credit and allowing the bank to take less risk.  Banks can make their money and take other rewarding risks in other ways (business loans for example) rather than charging some college kid 22% interest.

3. Put free money in the Black community.  I've said it before and I'll say it again: if spending is really what will get this country (and our world) out of recession, give the money to Black folks.  While at the Nike outlet on 87th and Cottage recently (to make a return) you would never know there was a recession.  People were spending money like it was going out of style and charging credit cards if they had them.  Black folk will spend money to look good and eat good--Black people in America spend more money than any other group despite representing less than 13% of the population.  Black spending will spur white investment and development and Latino employment.

One can say this would be an utter waste--and that's the point.  Giving out say $1 trillion interest free to the Black population of America, even if given away in equal shares, will end up being $10 trillion once it's "put to waste" in Black folk's hands.  Chains, rings, clothes, shoes, rims, cars--Black folks in the Midwest alone would save the auto industry from collapse if given free money.  Eventually all those that sell this "wasteful crap" would be flush and would do what they do--reinvest in their businesses or invest in general.  Wall Street would skyrocket.  There would be an abundance of jobs, one because some Black folk would just outright quit after getting free money and two because businesses would grow to meet the demand.

These things will never happen because of greed, stupidity and Al Sharpton.  Sure #3 sounds racist on its face, but it's no less true than the fact that incest is legal in Kentucky.  This is the path we need to take to rescue or financial woes.

I'm the meanest, prettiest, the baddest mo-fo low down around this town and I approve this message.


Wednesday, March 11, 2009

What Happens When I'm At WORK and I have to Poop?

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something a brew down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves, the WORK POOP is inevitable.
For those of you who hate pooping at work as much as I did, I give you the.........

Survival Guide for Taking a Dump at Work.

Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.

ESCAPEE: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic/embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car & speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter at the urinal, pretend that you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with escapee): When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun's pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen do not panic, remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk-up the shitter. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of a COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER: A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out of the Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out OF THE CLOSET POOPER before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN): This is a group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPERS and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVEN: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR: A pooper who does not realize that you're in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact. TURD BURGLARS have been know to cause premature pinchage, which inevitably causes you to pinch one off in the middle.
CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough which alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE: This is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert all potential TURD BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a WATERMELON coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an escapee. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.

UNCLE TED: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

FLY BY: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in, check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.


GHOST Poop: The kind where you feel the Poop come out, but there is no Poop in the toilet.

CLEAN Poop: The kind where you Poop it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the paper.

WET Poop: The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels un-wiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you don't ruin them with a stain.

SECOND WAVE Poop: This happens when you're done Pooping and you've pulled your pants up to your knees, and you realize that you have to Poop some more.

POP-A-VEIN-IN-YOUR-FOREHEAD-Poop: The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.

LINCOLN LOG Poop: The kind of Poop that is so huge you're afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush.

GASSEY Poop: It's so noisy, everyone within earshot giggles.

DRINKER Poop: The kind of Poop you have the morning after a night of drinking. Its most noticeable trait is the skid marks on the bottom of the toilet.

CORN Poop: (Self-explanatory)

GEE-I-WISH-I-COULD-Poop-Poop: The kind where you want to Poop, but all you do is set on the toilet and fart a few times.

SPINAL TAP Poop: This is when it hurts so badly coming out you'd swear it was leaving you sideways.

WET CHEEKS Poop: (The Power Dump). The kind that comes out of your butt so fast, your butt cheeks get splashed with water.

LIQUID Poop: The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt and splashes all over the toilet bowl.

MEXICAN Poop:It smells so badly that your nose burns.

UPPER CLASS Poop: The kind of Poop that has no odor.

THE SURPRISE Poop: You are not at the toilet because you think you are about to fart but...oops...a Poop!!!

THE DANGLING Poop: This Poop refuses to drop into the toilet even though you know you are done Pooping it. You just pray that a shake or two will cut it loose.

As with all other submissions, I leave this one open to any comments.

Your Pooper Friend,


is there any healthy addiction, or is by definition an unhealthy thing?
i'm strawberry kiss, and i am addicted to reading. some days are better than others, but there are times when the craving hits. it doesn't matter whether i'm at home, at work, grocery falls heavy. i want to read. i want to get lost in someone else's world. i want the information in whatever form the author gives it, fiction, non-fiction, humor, biographies, memoires, long books, short books, big words, no pictures, just give it to me. show me something you know that i don't. teach me about the history of your world; open up and let me in. take the wheel and let's go for a ride.
finishing a book has a great sense of accomplishment. the closure carries a satisfaction i wish i could share with others. there are more books in this world, good ones even, than i can ever read. this is both a comfort and a challenge.
i know what you're thinking and no, i'm not replacing books with pleasures of the flesh or anything like that. i'm sure to leave time, energy, effort for all the things of a healthy lifestyle.
i think it might stem from long commutes to/from work. so much time i could be learning something instead of sitting in traffic. i don't even have a CD player that works, or i'd nerd that out. so much time is spent not being productive, not becoming more invested in something that matters. so far, it hasn't interfered with my life, but the rush, the withdrawal when it's not around...surely those are signs of an addiction or an ailment, no?

Monday, March 9, 2009

What iz3y learned this last weekend (3/6-3/8)

Again my observations of the weekend and valuable lessons I picked up.
  • Groundbreaking movies, with groundbreaking special effects still can go to hell if not edited correctly. 3 hours to tell a 2 hour movie is not cool
  • If you get pulled over in Stickney, 14 cop cars are going to show up, they are going to close the exit-ramp, and people are going to stare at you as we drive by.
  • Black and Mexican people are not exclusive to crime...neither are males.....
  • Do not say you want the biggest fries a joint can offer unless ur prepared to eat a shit ton of fries
  • 10 cane rum is the shit...more and more converts nightly!
  • seeing people from your past is awesome, especially when they are super cool
  • DJs who take ur every request is baller
  • Hanging out in a Lesbian bar...extremely interesting
  • the butch chick leads...even when she dances with a guy
  • they really love bachata...i believe i know why..and wow...u sneaky bastards!
  • there are very possessive lesbian broads who hang out at the bar, but they put in double work mean mugging guys and girls!
  • a tornado will not stop me from getting my iPHONE fixed
  • i can't live without my iPHONE working at 100% efficiency
  • you can't play catchphrase with drunk doesnt work
  • Big Bowl is a pretentious restaurant with good Kung Pao shrimp that is no longer on the menu
  • it doesn't matter how detailed ur plan is, if no one is paying attention!

wiser and older,

LMFAO - I'M in MIAMI (LA) Trick

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Is Loul Deng Hurt? Or is he just a softee?

You know, I almost labeled this article as "Humor" because of the sheer audacity of the Bulls latest press release to the media about Luol Deng's on-again, off-again injury prognosis.

But then I realized that hey, they were serious. Serious about making a statement.

First of all, a little background is in order. Deng, who signed a six-year contract worth a guaranteed $71 million last July, has been out with what is listed on the stat sheet as a "right shin contusion."

Since then, there have been various reports stating that he has a right tibia stress fracture. But, Deng comes out yesterday and in trying to explain the situation, makes things as clear as mud.

''My whole thing is, if I had no pain, I would play,'' he said. ''My other question is: When I play, am I making it any worse? That's where we're at right now.''

But the press release that the Bulls issued in response to all this really takes the cake.

Now, obviously I do not have a copy of the exact release because I am not a member of the media. So I will try and transcribe what it said, based on what I heard on local sports radio this morning.

The title of the release is "Luol Deng Injury Update."

It basically states that the latest medical tests that Deng underwent showed no breaks of any kind. But here's the best part: He will "undergo active rest" and is "encouraged to challenge himself physically."

It goes on to say that the Bulls will allow an expeditious return to play, but that it is day-to-day.

Now, initially, I thought that the team might be covering Deng's butt by giving this update.

But the more I thought about the statement saying that he should "challenge himself," the more I realized that the Bulls were basically calling out their own player and saying that he should be tolerating the pain, and should have his ass back on the court.

Well, that's refreshing.

Of course, no one knows how much pain the young man is really in and this would be a shame if the Bulls ended up being wrong about all this.

And I think the Bulls recognize that risk. So instead of GM John Paxson coming out and directly questioning Deng's desire to play, he cleverly disguised what amounts to the very same thing in a well-worded press release.

At least that's my take. Do you read something else into it?

Look, everyone's pain tolerance is different and far be it for me to judge another player's willingness to do his job.

But when his own team takes the time and effort to carefully craft a message like this, it makes me wonder. Because they know Luol better than we do and they are closer to the situation.

In any event, recently acquired John Salmons played well in Deng's absence, scoring 23 in the Bulls 110-88 victory over the Kings at the United Center last night.

Meanwhile, I still can't help but snicker at the way the Bulls cleverly disguised that press release. How does one undergo active rest anyway? I always felt that either you were resting or you were active.

But both? Now, that's quite a trick.

So, Luol Deng is day-to-day. Hey, aren't we all, come to think of it?

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

2 for 1 special

In these tough economic times it's always good to find a sweet deal.  Today I give you one--two blog posts for the price of one.  "But these things are free anyway..." you say.  No one asked you smart ass.  Anyway, on to the blogs.

Part 1: When Life Imitates Art

Is it me or are Roland Burris and Clay Davis from The Wire the same guy?  ("Sheeeeeeeeeeit")  Granted Burris has yet to be called in front of a grand jury, but both were defiant in the face of accusations of wrong doing and in both cases, the Black community rallied behind them and crowned them "leaders."

Now as someone who likes to know as much as possible about something before making a decision, I can't say for sure whether Burris is dirty or not.  But if you play in the mud long enough, you're bound to get muddy.  And politics is a dirty game.  Sure Illinois is notorious for its political corruption--the state is hard pressed to go through it's history and not find a politician that didn't do anything questionable for even more questionable reasons.  But that's how politics works.  One trades "political capital" for a "favor" with the understanding that the "favor" will be returned some day.  

Whether it be votes or assistance with campaigning to government contracts, jobs and even flat out money (as is the case in Illinois) this is how business is done.  Do you think the U.S. used private security contractors to fight our wars ONLY because the country was short on volunteers from the ranks of the poor?  Not quite.  Not only were there not enough soldiers, but there was money to be made by friends of people in high places, namely Dick Chaney and George Bush.  And you think those friends got those favors just because they were friends?  You think friendships grease the wheels of politics?  Try political donations.

To spell it out--in exchange for millions in political donations, rich business owners get government contracts that are inflated to not only cover the cost of the job, but also refund the political donations.  Illinois is not the only state that does this.  This is common political practice.

Now back to Burris.  What infuriates me most about Burris (and Clay Davis) is that the people were not bright enough to pick up on the scam.  Instead, the people with something to gain from Burris remaining in office (namely other Black politicians in the state and church leaders) play the race card--Burris is only be persecuted because he's Black.  Bobby Rush give me a break!!!  No no one asked Kennedy to resign all those years ago following any of his famous scandals but it wasn't because he was white.  Just ask the senator from Minnesota who tapped his foot in the bathroom stall (who was also white).  It was because he was a KENNEDY.  It's comparing apples and oranges.  Roland Burris is a single-A prospect at BEST when compared to a Kennedy.  Burris is being asked to resign because he's dirty.  Unfortunately Black folk in Illinois are too distracted by race to notice that Burris is just as muddy as Blago.  (Most of them don't even notice their own ministers stealing from them either but I digress.  That's a whole other blog).

Part 2: Extremism exists in America yet it's not called "terrorism"

So I'm watching the news and political blow hard Rush Limpdick is spewing all sorts of hate.  Hating on the democrats, hating on Obama, hating on the economy, hating hating hating.  Dems and Obama are probably flattered by all the hate since hate is the new love in 2009.  Meanwhile all his minions are falling in line dying for a "return to pure capitalism."  (It should be noted that no one believes government should be in the business of securing the safety net of the citizenry--except when they need the net).  Yet for all this bashing of "leftist" policies, there is no analysis into what part the right has played in the situation we are in.

Political extremism is right here in America with Rush and his retards on the right and Nancy Pelosi and her folks on the left.  In the middle are the rest of us, essentially POWs in this "bloodless" war.  There are definitely victims (we call this disenfranchisement) but there's no reporting of that.  See in Iraq, Israel, Gaza and other parts of Asia and Africa they use guns.  Here we have "policies."

No one wants a socialist or communist state.  Yet pure capitalism doesn't work.  Save the "boot strap" bullshit for the birds--particularly when the game has been rigged from the beginning.  Whether it be discrimination against white or brown immigrants, slaves, or the displacement of natives, the notion of equality has been a long hard fight in this country.  Add to it that successful pure capitalism requires a sort of de facto caste system and failure is immanent.  Ideologically we all have equal rights and are all equal--but aren't.  Education, health care, and access to either are not rights.  Yet those things are essential to participation in a capitalist society.  Pure capitalism suggests that you can start at the bottom and work your way up--you can pay for education to get a better job and raise your level of status in the game.  Yet the flaw in it is that there ALWAYS must be a lower class.

The right complains and complains about immigration and how immigrants are "stealing" American jobs.  Yet they don't talk about the American business owners who ship jobs overseas in the name of cheaper products at home.  Ironically these immigrant workers that "steal" American jobs are necessary--who else would do those jobs at those wages in order for our way of life/economy to continue?  Americans?  Yeah right!  Americans have unions!  Which is why American companies open offices internationally in the first place.

On the left, the Unions complain about immigration and how immigrants are lowering the standard of living for American workers because they accept wages much lower than what the unions would allow.  But the unions are partially to blame for the state of the American auto industry.  Sure the auto companies were terribly managed--everything from duplicating cars and branding them differently then trying to convince us that they were in fact different cars to trying to shove SUVs down our throats--but how about those bloated salaries, benefits and lifelong pension plans for unskilled laborers?  Seriously?  Paying four generations of people who barely graduated high school for their ENTIRE LIVES (with health benefits) is a good idea?  All because the employees MIGHT withhold their labor and shut down the factories?  Now employers are moving their factories to places that are happy to even have jobs--and the unions are losing out.  The government has already done it's part in passing various labor laws.  How about the unskilled labor force (and their employers) stop being so greedy?

Caught in the middle are those of us with common sense--and the education, skills and abilities to contribute to this country.  But our contributions should be placed in perspective--capitalism demands that there be people bent over to allow others to step on their backs in order to move up.  The sooner we accept this fact, the sooner we can tune out the extremists and begin to move this country into a sensible direction.  If we really want capitalism, accept that there will always be unemployment between 3-5%.  Always.  Accept that there will always be those that produce goods and services making 85-90% of the money.  Always.

The fight between the two sides leaves those in the middle jobless, under employed, dependent on entitlements and unrepresented.  Personally neither Rush Limpdick nor Nancy Pelosi represent me.  I don't particularly care for the right getting us in bed with China and don't expect the government to bail me out if I'm in trouble.  What I do expect is for government to regulate in such a way that gives me and other Americans opportunity, rather than make trade agreements that allow American companies to make products over seas and send them back here without tariffs and sell them to me at "suggested retail price."

Pure capitalism and it's advocates would have "the Market" rule rather than government.  The left would have government rule the market.  Neither works.  Meanwhile both sides terrorize our country by yanking us in either direction, both of which are paths of failure leaving many as victims.  No one talks about this sort of terrorism.  Screw fighting it abroad, what about at home?

Monday, March 2, 2009

The Office Rant II

I. When did it become socially acceptable to act like a 2 year old to get your way in Corporate America?  I watched a lot of Michael J Fox movies from the 80s, threw in some Micheal Douglas, and yes...even some Charlie Sheen, and what did I learn?  That being ruthless is the way to go, but whining?  Come on, suck it up buttercup.  You get promoted it means more work.  They give u any pay raise, love whatever they gave you.  You have to sleep with your boss?  Hey at least you're going to benefit from being a whore.  People, grow up and quit whining...this is your DARE TO BE GREAT alert.

II. How many meetings can you have in a day?  Nine 1 hour jam sessions, including the great LUNCH MEETING!  I mean who thought that was a bonus?  Why would I want to meet during the only time I have to myself.  People used to be honored when invited to lunch and/or dinner, now you have a jackass who thinks he finally has pinned u down and he should pounce on it.  Imagine his surprise when i tell him to meet me at McDonalds, but I fail to mention which one.

III.  I hate working with ninjas.  There is like secret society in my office of people who sneak up behind you, say nothing, then go mid sentence into their problem.  One, announce yourself before you get shot.  Two, have the damn decency to make sure I care about your problems.  Besides, I was looking at porn and I may not want everyone to know. [iz3y receives note]  Ok, it seems everyone knows, but still...warning would be go away, jenna is on.

IV.  So if I buy your kid's candy today, that is worth an even exchange when my lil guy rolls through hawking his wares in a smooth white 3 piece suit right?  An extra 10% if he POPS and/or LOCKS?

V.  You ever sit back and just wonder how someone got promoted.  I like to go through a list of wild scenarios that include fellatio, black mail, a master's degree, and a video camera containing some of the worst images humanity has ever laid eyes on.  Imagine my surprise when 90% is fellatio and the other 10% is evenly dispersed among the rest.  I really thought it would be 94-96%....oh well.

keeping it short since this is a work place rant, and i should be working.

Nylon Smile (scienticians remix) - Portishead
Hauntingly cool!