Shout OUT!

HAPPY BDAY to Bella Baggins (7/6) and the BIGS (7/13)

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Rappers are weak as hell

There is not a lot to say here, except that freakin Ice Cube has a sitcom where he is the thuggish neighbor, hocks coors light beer, and has not made a decent album since Amerikkka's most wanted.

Xhibit pimped out cars on MTV, and was most recently seen portraying a bear in 2007's Hoodwinked.

50 cent has had poor selling Cd's, poor selling video games, poor selling headphones, and lost a ton of weight to be a mediocre actor dying of cancer.

Everywhere I look i see piss-poor acting, piss poor merchandise, and piss poor album sales.  You want to know who has kept it crazy real during this time?  Who the Knight in shining armor has been for the rap community?  Three-Six Mafia.  They made the awards come to them.  Never deviating from poor rap albums, poor management of money, and poor capitalization of marketing opportunities.  They have kept it so very real, its disgusting.  Kudos to them for following in the hopes and dreams of the hardest hard core rappers that came before them.  You look at someone like Ice Cube, who made a song in which he talks about taking a sellout like MC HAMMER, murdering him, and stuffing him in a trunk, and you cannot help but be filled with admiration.  Now you see Cube in a commercial where a bottle of beer basically cums snow on his face, and you laugh.  I am sure Cube wakes up in a luxurious house, with may whores and stacks of money around him, But I doubt his mansion has a single mirror.  How can it?  If I looked at myself in a mirror, I would kill myself.  Sure he is rich, but so is Monica Lewinsky.  What was she famous for?  1990's Ice Cube would probably murder himself if he knew what he would become.  A joke, a parody, a shadow of his former self.  But i guess the same could be said for the rap community. 

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Things I think I think Vol 4

1)  A high school bus exploded as it was driving home students after school on the first day of school.  The blame was successfully linked to Obama's shitty governing of the country by Michelle Bachman.

2)  Chicago Bear Roy Williams, who was a star wide receiver not long ago, is a dickhead.  He held a press conference to discuss how no one is harder on himself than he is, and how his work ethic should never be questioned.  Hey Roy, you and I had the same number of catches in Monday's game,  and I was on my couch.  Number 1 receiver?  you look more like number 2.     

3)  The city of Los Angeles had its credit rating go from AAA to AA by some stodgy old credit rating company.  Residents can buy weed legally, and its always 70 degrees.  WINNER: Los Angeles

4)  As the COUNTRY goes down the toilet, Barack Obama is yachting in Martha's Vineyard spending vacation.  Didn't the country get on Bush's case when he went on vacation during a tumultuous economic time?  I guess its cool to vacation now because Barack fixed everything.  Before you assume I am republican, you should know I am independent.  You should also know that no one had higher expectations for the president than I, and no one is more disappointed than I, except black people, poor people, rich people, young people, old people, middle-aged people, white people, etc.

5)  Kim Kardashian got married. and it will be featured in a four, hour long episodes of Keeping in touch with the kardashian sisters, or whatever the fuck that show is called.  Every week, people will tune in and wonder if the groom will say I do or not, even though by the time the show airs, the couple will be divorced.  I wonder what the over under is on Kim letting herself go now that she is married, and her ass doubling in size.  Long time readers of this blog know how much i feature her ass in pics.  More to come.

6)  Momar Ghadaffi stole hundreds of billions of dollars in Libyan government monies, and is now on the lamb from US military troops.  I would just buy Norway, chill out, and claim diplomatic immunity.

7) Cat owners will never get it.  Jon Tumilson, a Navy SEAL, was one of 30 Americans killed in Afghanistan on Aug. 6th when a rocket-propelled grenade took out a U.S. Chinook helicopter. He was mourned at a service in Rockford, Iowa, attended by 1,500 family members, friends--and Hawkeye, Tumilson's dog.  The Labrador retriever was such an important part of Tumilson's life that the friends and family of the San Diego resident called the dog his "son." When Tumilson's friend Scott Nichols walked to the front of the room to speak, Hawkeye followed."As Nichols prepared to memorialize his friend, Hawkeye dutifully laid down near the casket, and died."

8)  Much was made earlier this year when Egyptian people in Cairo helped beam news of revolt and uprising to the rest of the world via twitter and Internet.  Some jackass reporter also made news when he commented about how he heard helicoptors sounding like thunder descending and killing Osama Bin Laden.  The bounty has been stepped up however, in Libya.  Although Libyan rebels have been celebrating their advance this week into the capital of Tripoli, just a few weeks ago, they had a problem. Outgunned and poorly trained, Libya's ragtag opposition forces were the object of pitying--if not unsympathetic--reports by the journalists covering their seemingly hapless efforts to advance and hold ground against Gadhafi's professional forces, who were better trained and better equipped.  Naturally, the rebels turned to the Internet for help. In June, members of the Libyan National Transition Council were "searching the Web," the New York Times reports, where they found information about a surveillance drone--"essentially a tiny, four-rotor helicopter dangling a pod carrying stabilized-image day- and night-vision cameras"--made by Aeryon Labs of Waterloo, Ontario.  So they bought some.  The Canadian firm rode planes, boats, and dusty trails to hand deliver the drones.  Some shit is too important for FedEx.  When your death drone absolutely, positively has to get there.... Aeryon Labs!

9)  I just ordered a drone of death

10)  Craziest story I heard this year, The government creates hurricanes to sell more plywood, used to cover windows from debris.  I have successfully blames this story on Obama's shitty governing of the country.

11)  Bonus story:
Depaul Men's Assistant Basketball coach Billy Garrett came back from an 11 day trip to France with the team to find his house robbed and empty.  First off, FRANCE?  People barely give a shit about the team here, in their hometown.  I mean they play in home games in freakin ROSEMONT!  It turns out the landlord wanted to do some work to the house, and Garrett refused.  The fam goes on vaca, the landlord shows up, the house is filthy, the landlord puts all the stuff in storage, and begins to renovate.  GARRETT comes back all refreshed and french and shit, freaks out, CALLS COPS AND FILES A THEFT REPORT!  I smell a scam in the works.  So did the cops, as they flat out refused to take the theft report seriously.  "Stop being a corny-ass bitch," cops said.  "You are a goddamn man, your name is William, not Billy, you did not get robbed, your shit is at the local public warehouse.  Pay your rent, and listen to your landlord!" 

Friday, August 19, 2011

The CUBS are a fucking joke.

Hello Sportsfans.

     The Handsome RightHander here, and I am happy.  Jim Hendry has been dismissed as the Cubs’ general manager, the team announced on Friday. It's about fucking time.  He was the only general manager in franchise history to oversee three postseason clubs (2003, 2007, 2008) and was the first Cubs general manager to lead the franchise to consecutive postseason berths.  Then his team turned to shit.  “My family and I appreciate Jim’s dedication during our time with the Cubs and thank him for his overall 17 years of service to the Cubs organization.  We also appreciate almost getting to the mountaintop, but almost getting a blowjob, and getting a blowjob are 2 different things,” Cubs chairman Tom Ricketts said. “It is time for a fresh approach in our baseball leadership and our search begins immediately for our next general manager.  I was hoping the Orioles would fire Showalter before the season ends.” 
     Hendry, 56, was named vice president/general manager on July 5, 2002 and departs as the third-longest tenured general manager in the National League and the third-longest-tenured general manager in franchise history behind John Holland (1957-75) and James Gallagher (1940-49).  “At end of the day, I’m not going to leave here with any problems,” Hendry said. “Tom Ricketts is a good man. We just didn’t win enough games.”
     Hendry said Ricketts told him he would be let go on July 22, but Hendry stuck around to help get the Cubs’ draft picks signed. Hendry informed manager Mike Quade and the players of his dismissal on Friday morning.   Overall, Hendry’s clubs went 749-748 during his time as general manager. He joined the organization in November, 1994 as the club’s director of player development. After one year in that role, he added the title of scouting director and served in the dual role through the 1998 season when he was promoted to assistant general manager.

One Motherfucking game over .500?  We live in the best city in the world, why do CUBS fans put up with this shit?  All you idiots running around talking about "lovable losers" or "If the CUBS win, the city will celebrate like crazy,"
 are kidding yourselves.  You run around and say you're a CUBS fans, you are basically saying you like to lose.  Its wrong, unAmerican, and madness to walk around year after year and hope that this will be the year that blah blah blah.  The Ricketts family made the smartest move in history because that bought a franchise that has a fan base that does not care if it wins or not, does not care if you deface the stadium, and is takes failure in stride.  I mean, you could have had a bailout if you were a real business that's how bad you guys sucked this year.  "We had a 7 game win streak,"  you will say.  "Yeah, but all that did was get you to 22 games behind the leader" I will respond.  You may have fired Hendry, but the next GM will have the same owners, same roster limitations, and same apathetic fans. For a historical look, see my previous CUBS blogs.  It used to be funny, now its just pathetic.   Its like Polish jokes,  funny, then amusing, then ok, then racist, then funny again for a while, then bad again, then lame.  Ronnie woo woo must be rolling over in his cardboard coffin. 

Thursday, August 11, 2011

The Boy who cried Bull and Bear markets.

     The Boy Who Cried Wolf, is a parable included in Aesop's Fables.  It warns against lying because of its inevitable consequences. The phrase "the boy who cried wolf" has even become a part of common vernacular. The boy, a sheepherder, was bored while guarding the sheep on a hill, so he cried out that a wolf was attacking the sheep. The villagers rushed over, only to find out that the boy had lied to them. The boy cried out a second time, with the same results. At the end of the parable, a real wolf comes to devour the sheep, and the boy cries out, but the villagers ignore him because they believe he is only trying to fool them. The boy discovers that a liar will seldom be believed, even when he is telling the truth.

I think that we see this principle at work every day in the stock market.  Every day we hear that the economy is tanking, and people riot in the streets of London.  Then, the next day, we hear that unemployment went down, and and XYZ company had better than anticipated earnings, and the economy stabilizes.  It is to the point that I am getting desensitized to the despair and woe of wall street.  Pretty soon, we will be at a situation where Bank of America will need a bailout.  The government has little money to spare, and I think its time to let unsuccessful businesses or those  with shitty accounting practices like GROUPON, PANDORA or LINKEDIN fail.  It will come at a point in history where we have been absolutely beaten down with bad news, so it will be really hard to muster up an ounce of "Give a Fuck"  attitude to put my kids into massive debt to save a shitty bank. 

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Things I think I think

1)  The NBA is screwed.  The NFL  lockout ended 2 weeks ago, and it is again the most popular sport in the US.  The NBA, which had only 12 of 32 teams EARN revenue, will not be so lucky.  The owners can show that they lost hundreds of millions of dollars in revenue, and new owners saw little return on their investments of 200-300M dollars.  The NBA sucks, and Lebron could not single-handedly save the league, because he was not interested in doing so.    I expect the lockout to go on and on because the owners have all the leverage.  What are people like Michael Beasley, who shoved a heckling fan this week, going to do. Go to law school?  Fall back on that one semester of General Studies he had in college?  POWER TO THE OWNERS!

2)  The US credit line got reduced from AAA+ to AA+  This means that that dollar in you pocket, is now worth about 92 cents, and someday we will all work for Chinese taskmaster overlords.  I for one, welcome our new overlords, and want to remind them that as an influential blogger, I could be very useful to them.

3)  Planet of the Apes made much much more money than the much hyped, much maligned "The Change Up."  Proof that Hollywood has no freaking idea what its doing  The Smurfs, in 3D, you kidding me?  I would rather watch a movie starring one Mr Honey Badger. You think the Honey Badger cares about Smurfs or Ryan Reynolds?

4)  I need to go to Safari to Kenya, to see wild animals, Darwin's Survival of the Fittest Law in action, and Obamas Birth records.  But mostly to see this live

5)    The stock market feels like the Superman Roller coaster at Six Flags.  The US owes 14.6 trillion dollars on the world front, with the largest owner of our debt being China with 1.1 Trillion.  C'mon, check the couch cushions, can't we find 1.1 Trill there?  China owed itself 7.4 Tril, so technically its the nation with the biggest debt, but since they exclude that, the U.S is first.  I foresee a situation where all welfare people will suddenly stop getting checks for sitting at home, and doing nothing.  The only low-income housing in my neighborhood recently got plowed over, and will soon be a strip mall right off the expressway.  That sounds like the welfare people are getting sent out to the far suburbs.  Then, the checks stop, then food shipments start arriving later and later, then all hell breaks loose and it becomes a town with martial law.  I mean, what better way to save money than by having all the GD's, Vice Lords, 4 Corner Hustlers, P Stones, and every other gang forced to live in a 10 square mile radius out near Romeoville?  I mean just look at the Kings and the Two Six gangs in Aurora?  But who gives a shit, its an hour away.

6)  On Friday, Fox News' Fox Nation website was forced to shut down comments on a post that referred to President Obama's 50th birthday party as a "Hip-Hop BBQ," after receiving many submissions that were racist. "We found many of the comments to be offensive and inappropriate and they have been removed," Bill Shine, the executive vice president of Fox News programming, told The Cutline on Friday.  I think it's funny as fuck the guy's name is shine, very racist, but very funny.  I mean, what the hell did you expect calling Obama's birthday party, a hip-hop BBQ?  When the hell did anyone ever see a hip hop video where they are discussing current news events?  The deficit, universal health care?  Etc?  The reason Obama is having a HIP HOP BBQ is because he does not care that the working class has to work harder.  He has never had to work hard.  He got scholarships to go to prestigious schools, got a full ride at Harvard, he has never had to work hard at anything other than to write/memorize speeches.  He does not know how freakin hard it is to go out and earn a buck.  His wife is having 20,000 calorie dinners, then preaches about exercising to fat kids?  The Economy is collapsing, and the Obamas are hanging around Paul McCartney?  I am not surprised people left fiery comments on the post.  The true surprise comes from Fox News' shock that people would say those things about the president.  We live in the greatest country in the world, and we are great because we have the right to say that Obama is fucking up big-time. 

7)  Todd Brown is in the news because he was walking to the Smith & Wollensky steakhouse, where he works, when he was shot at close range at 5:05 p.m. Monday on the State Street bridge.  Brown, who lives in the Jackson Park Highlands neighborhood on the Southeast Side, took a bus to work and was walking north across the bridge when he was shot, his mother said.  It’s not the first time Brown has been shot. On Aug. 28, 2010, he was wounded in the leg at 58th and Cottage Grove. No one was arrested, records show.  Brown was sentenced to three years in prison in 2008 after he pleaded guilty to aggravated battery for fighting with police officers during an arrest in the Rogers Park neighborhood, court records show.  Monday’s shooting rattled rush-hour commuters, including witnesses who came to Brown’s aid. The gunman, armed with a chrome handgun with a big Chicago Police Department Logo on the side of it, escaped. He jumped in his police cruiser and drove south on State Street, then east on Wacker. Police said they were reviewing surveillance cameras in the area.  “We don’t believe this is a random event.  We have no possible leads either.” Belmont Area Police Cmdr. Gary Yamashiroya said Monday.  Brown, 29, is recovering at Northwestern Memorial Hospital, where he’s in serious condition. The bullet lodged in his skin but didn’t pass into his skull, officials said.  “The bullet is in his head, and they don’t want to move it,” Gooden said. “They don’t want any more swelling. It’s really overwhelming.”

8)   I am shocked!  Jereme Richmond, the former Waukegan and University of Illinois basketball player, was behind bars Tuesday after being charged with threatening to shoot a man.  Richmond, 19, was being held in the Lake County Jail on $100,000 bond after being charged with several felonies Monday.  Richmond was the Sun-Times boys basketball Player of the Year in 2009 and 2010, though his basketball career was mired in controversy. He left Illinois after one season and declared for the NBA draft but wasn’t selected.  He really fucked up and though he was good enough to get chosen.  He thought he was such a good ball player, that teams would overlook the fact that he is an asshole, and give him millions of dollars to play sports.  He was arrested at about 12:30 p.m. Monday in the 3000 block of Golfmoor Street, according to Waukegan Police Cmdr. Gabe Guzman. Charges included aggravated unlawful use of a weapon, battery, possession of a firearm and assault.

Police were called to the address, the home of a 17 year old girl whom Richmond might have formerly dated, according to a police report. Richmond got into an argument with the girl’s parents and allegedly made threats.  According to a police report, Richmond told one of the victims, “You looking for me? I’m here now! I’m gonna shoot your ass!  You know who I am?  I Will be in the NBA someday!  I drive a Dodge Stratus!”  Officers arrived to find Richmond outside the house near a car, with three other men sitting inside, Guzman said. They also found a .40 caliber Smith & Wesson handgun in the back of the station wagon. He didn’t know if the gun was loaded.

All four men were arrested without incident, and no one was injured in the confrontation, Guzman said.  Matthew Riley, 22, of the 1900 block of Hervey in North Chicago, was charged with aggravated unlawful use of a weapon and possession of a firearm, Guzman said. Charged with misdemeanor disorderly conduct were Christopher Coburn, 21, of the 3400 block of Windhaven in Waukegan, and Marqus Amos, 21, of the 1400 block of Kristan in North Chicago.  Richmond had a tumultuous freshman season at Illinois, averaging 7.6 points and five rebounds. He played in 31 games and started six.  “I am saddened to learn about the incident involving Jereme,” ­Illinois coach Bruce Weber said in a statement. “We wish the best for the young people involved and their families as they work through this situation.  I cannot believe that stupid fuck sat outside the house!  I cannot believe that ignorant asshole had 3 thugs with hi, but just one deuce deuce.  Should have had at least 2-3, so he could gout out like a man in a shootout, instead of looking like a bitch.  Worse case scenario, he does 1-3 in county, then gets selected by the Clippers.”

Richmond missed the Illini’s two NCAA tournament games for violating the school’s athletic code. He sat out a game earlier in the season after returning home to deal with a personal matter.  He also reportedly was involved in a fight with a teammate after a loss to Michigan in the Big Ten tournament March 11.  “Your suppose to pray for those less fortunate than you and hope things get better for them...not be happy about their mistakes,” tweeted former Illini teammate Brandon Paul.  “Smh keep jereme in your prayers even if u dislike him. He’s only 19 has a whole life to live!  He dumb, but has decent rebounding skills.  SOMEBODY will pay his ass!  Everyone makes mistakes!!,” tweeted former Illini teammate Mike Davis.  Richmond also had a controversial career at Waukegan. He was kicked off his high school team after his sophomore year after numerous altercations with teammates and coaches. He was allowed to return as a sophomore and eventually led the Bulldogs to two state tournament berths.  "if not for his basketball skills, I would have told him to go fuck himself, But we are weak on the inside, and needed his length.  He is an spoiled, selfish asshole, but he can board with the best of them.  I mean, he will never make it to the NBA, but who gives a shit about him once he leaves my high school team.  I wish him disease and death after he graduates high school.... AFTER!"  The coach said.

9)  I continue to like grilled cheese sandwiches.

10)  London is burning down.  I blame nursery rhymes for me not caring as much. "London bridge is falling down,falling down, falling down.  London bridge is falling down, and I don;t give a fuck."  Riots started 4 days ago when a black man was shot and killed in a police maneuver gone wrong.  I for one, thought English cops all drank tea, were queers, and had batons, not guns for weapons.  I would halfway be encouraged to riot myself if all I had to worry about was some poof chasing me saying "My word, stop dear boy, stop."  It would take all bobbies they could muster and all the batons they had to stop me from laughing my Bum off at them while I looted the Crown Jewels.  What happens when criminals learn that the authorities have only as much power as the people give them?  London is a prime example. 

That is all for now, I remain, as always
 The Raving Lunatic

Roman Fingers in the front

Russian Hands in the background

If I ran the newspapers.........(AKA, Watch your step)

Assailants Injuries

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

There may be no cure for ignorance

Back in November 2008 there were some that thought Martin Luther King Jr's dream had been realized with the election of Barack Obama. (To think a Black man being elected president of the United States is all the King dreamed of is simply small minded--but that's not the point). To the contrary, the election of President Obama likely is Dr. King's worst nightmare.

Chris Rock once suggested in jest that if a Black man were elected president of the United States, he'd be immediately assassinated. Ironically (or maybe not) security around the President has been insanely tight since he won the democratic primary for that very reason. But since these redneck simpletons can't get to him physically, they've maintained a constant barrage against his character in an attempt to assassinate the idea of a Black man being president.

You can accuse me of playing the race card all you want, but no other president in the history of the president has been as disrespected as the one currently occupying the White House--so is it merely coincidence then that the difference between this one and all the others is presence of melonin? Most, if not all were Ivy League educated, yet Obama is an "elitest." Jimmy Carter was considered "soft" yet he never endured the same scrutiny as President Obama--and President Obama ORDERED THE KILLING OF BIN LADEN. (Now some "anonymous source" wants to poke holes in the story from the White House. Why kick up a shit storm??? As if we need to give extremists MORE reason to hate us? Its taken YEARS to get anyone to snitch on Bush--its only taken a few MONTHS for someone to undercut Obama).

They decry the way he handles major issues with congress (healthcare and the debt "crisis") when really what he's doing is TELLING CONGRESS TO DO ITS JOB. The President doesn't write or pass laws. He can certainly say what he wants--which is what President Obama did--but its up to CONGRESS to get the details straight.

Granted President Obama hasn't accomplished most of what he campaigned on. Chalk that up to a revolution that broke out the minute he won the democratic nomination in the form of the Tea Party. Many of the Tea Party's constituents can't even READ the constitution, let alone know if the government conforms to it or not. (If they were so worried about the constitution why didn't more of them back Ron Paul?...) Bigger government may not be the answer but its the only blueprint we have (see: the U.S. during the Great Depression). Instead of coming up with new ideas though, our elected officials and the media simply hate on and disrespect the President. It's insane.

What are we to do with this ignorant shit? Unfortunately I don't believe we can do much. We can't shame the ignorant folk--they'll just think you're celebrating them. We can't educate them (education widely considered to be the cure for ignorance) because some of them are actually pretty well read. And evolution continues to allow them to survive (so they must be fitter than the rest of us). Ignorance--like roaches--continues to live on despite the world's best efforts to eradicate both. With that I'll just fight ignorance with ignorance:


Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Billy Beane can smoke my cock

Greetings sports fans,

It is I, the handsome Right Hander again.  Next month, Brad Pitt starts in Moneyball, a movie about Oakland Athletics General Manager Billy Beane.  Beane is wildly regarded as being the expert in finding good players that make a good team better.  He is also an expert in having three stud pitchers make you look like a genuis.  He is also an expert in missing the playoffs in the worst division in baseball the last 5 years.  He is also the expert in having a sub .500 records the last 5 years.  No wonder it took 5 years to get some desperate movie studio to do a movie about Beane.  I mean, this shit is so lame, you could have had the Entourage guys try to do the movie on that horrible show, whats it called?  Oh yeah, Entourage.  Whats next, a movie about the Chicago Cubs?

Why is everyone swinging on Kevin Kolb's nuts?

Hello sports fans,

     Your king has returened to share with you a couple of pieces of information about your beloved Kevin Kolb.  Why do people love him, is it stats?  You decide.

Career statisticsYear Team G GS Passing Rushing Sacked Fumbles

Att Comp Pct Yds Y/A TD Int Rtg Att Yds Avg TD Sack YdsL Fum FumL

2007 PHI 1 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 3 -2 -0.7 0 2 13 1 1

2008 PHI 6 0 34 17 50.0 144 4.2 0 4 21.8 13 2 0.2 0 0 0 0 0

2009 PHI 5 2 96 62 64.6 741 7.7 4 3 88.9 5 -1 -0.2 1 3 27 2 1

2010 PHI 7 5 189 115 60.8 1197 6.3 7 7 76.1 15 65 4.3 0 15 99 6 3

Career 19 7 319 194 60.8 2082 6.5 11 14 73.2 36 64 1.8 1 20 139 9 5

I think its because he is white, and the league is jealous of all the Superbowls that Black athletes have won over the years.  Kolb's number suck.  I predict a secomnd coming of David Carr.  11 touchdowns, 14 interceptions?  Lets give this guy a fucking Nobel peafce Prize Award, since they are handing them out for not doing shit.  Sure, Kolb has Larry Fitgerald, but he can expect a steady diet of double teams and jams at the line.  Who can Kolb hand off to?  Who can Kolb throw to when Fitz is doubled?  I think the NFL does what it can to ensure the success of whities.  It was only a matter of time before reverse affirmative action bit minorities in the ass.  It looks PRECARIOUS.

I am not saying I am sexy but.........

Hello friends,

     It is I, the one and only Jokey Jokemaker.  If you meet someone claiming to be Jokey Jokemaker on the street, like over by the Northside, like over by Humboldt Park, in a shady bar, having drinks, and trying to score with the ladies, ask him for ID.  If you get anything other than a punch in the face, it's not me.  ALso, if they are not smoking hot, its not me.  YOu can tell its me because I am so hot:

  1. Rabbits fought over my foreskin.
  2. My Balls have no expiration date.
  3. I fart pheromones.
  4. In high school, I was voted "Most Likely to be Ravished by Women like I was the freakin Gaza Strip"
  5. My Cock has its own stickbroker series 7 liscnece
  6. I'm being circled by tri-sexuals.
  7. I'm built like a brick bathhouse.
  8. You can tell my age by cutting down, and counting the rings in my cock
  9. They squeeze pics of me in Google earth 3-d only because I am in my pool in awesome shorts. 
  10. I have to add extra bodyguards whenever I lick my lips.
  11. I always carry a backup testicle.
  12. My cock enters the room 3 minsutes before I do.
  13. Each one of My balls has its own set of stalkers.
  14. My cock is so big, it has an elbow
  15. My cock is so big, i have to buy it a shoe.


Hello Evildoers,

     It is I, Raphael De La Ghetto, back with commentary on all things Art-related.  Today, I have compiled a poetry list of facebook statuses that have pleased me over the years.  Some noteworthy authors include myself, Jokey Jokemaker, The Raving Lunatic, The Chooch Punisher, Abraham Lincoln, F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Handsome Right-hander, and Jesus.  Just for fun, see if you can match the author, to the post. 

1  I enjoy stimulating conversations about life with big-breasted women

2  The most exquisite expression of unresolved pain is a funny ass joke about it

3  I do not think highly of myself, but my friends do, so I can't let them down

4  I hate the New York _________ sports team

5  I will feed you chocolate covered strawberries, from the tip of my dong

6  We need to pick a politician a week, and beat the piss out of them

7  Either you think, or else others have to think for you and take power from you, pervert and discipline your natural tastes, civilize and sterilize you.

8   "And Judah said unto Onan, Go in unto thy brother's wife, and marry her, and raise up seed to thy brother.  And Onan knew that the seed should not be his; and it came to pass, when he went in unto his brother's wife, that he spilled it on the ground, lest that he should give seed to his brother.  And the thing which he did displeased the LORD: wherefore he slew him also."

Monday, August 1, 2011

Facebook statuses I would like to read...if i cared

You know how people put up real inspirational shit on the FB statuses like they are Dr. Drew or something.  Hey, Dr. Phil that shit is nonsense.  OPRAH...quit trying to express to me the power of a woman or how this Monday will unlock the happiness trapped in my soul. [cut and paste as your status]

This is Facebook, not a therapy session.  Quit acting like you are screaming into the ocean and realize we all are in the same room, and you know... you look ridiculous.  Post some real shit about you.

Suggestions? we go!!!!

Spur of the moment:
"Holy crap, my legs are still sore, I am wearing last night clothes, and I smell of sex...what an awesome Bar Mitvah"

"Jesus died on the cross for my're SOL!"

Passive Aggressive:
"I hate that bitch who thinks she can keep my son from me.  Not naming names and shit."

"secretly i hate Obama for being black, but since he can't clean up W's mess, I am going to blame him for all that and call him names in private.  Like this if you agree"

"It is hot as balls, but at least my neighbor keeps her window open when changing...and for me to get in!"

Educational if you must:
"Class is so awesome right now.  My professor is mad smart and I love this class.  wait...i just missed what he said"

"Fuck Bill Belichik"

"That Rafael de La Ghetto is hilarious.  His posts of tit pix are classy!"

"Oh shit someone got shot in front of my house...that is messed up"  
(editor's note: please call the cops before you post to FB)

Anyway, you get the point.  Let's keep FB fun or at least entertain me. Inspirational messages are for group therapy groups.  I know there are a lot of alcoholics, addicts, and nymphos on here, so you know, make them laugh.  They get enough of that other shit in real therapy!

Global Niche Movement/David Sabat - Strong Man (MKTL remix)