Things that are cool to me

Jokey Jokemaker316 here, and I have compiled a list of things that are cool to me.

1) Myself

2) anything having to do with dante's inferno. Video games, updated books, etc. If there has ever been a book that needs to be made a movie, this is it. Cancel the Sex and The City movies, and put Horseface Sarah Jessica Parker in the 4th Circle of hell. She may even get an academy award for best makeup.

3) Really shitty R & B songs with fat basslines. The Whipsers - Rocksteady. Hall and Oates - I can't go for that. They appeal to me because I hope to be a DJ someday, and mix the basslines into my own brand of neo-electro-reggae-funk. My DJ name? Mc Supertricky Shadrach Shabadoo

4) MC Supertricky Shadrach Shabadoo - First CD name? Behold the Pale Sarah Jessica
Parker, the man who rode on her was Death.

5) The Chooch Punisher - he is a smooth. backhanded compliment-giving motherfucker.

6) Kung-fu DVD's - Life was simpler back then. I know kung-fu, so did you, we fight, Winner gets recognition, loser stays alive and gets to train and try again another day. Also, cool clothes that makes cool noises when you fight.

7) Making fun of other people. It keeps me sharp.

8) Letting other people make fun of you. It keeps you humble

9) Helping students - I did it the hard way, and if someone can benefit from my experience, i OWE it to them to help.

10) Call of Duty on the WII - Simple game, addicting as hell, and this may sound rascist, but the sound of screaming Japanese soldiers when you shoot them, is HILARIOUS.

11) Making up nicknames for people. Only people that interest/amuse/move me to the deepest corner of my soul get nicknames. And do not try to come with your own nicknames like shadez did. FUCK THAT. He is to be called Gooseberry from now on.
Johnner wants to be called fatman? NO. I say Fat Johnner.

12) assorted meats and cheeses. I like cheese and if you add meat, its a winning combo.

13) When people add to my lists. Please add to my list.

13)

I posted up Dickey Simpkins

Hey

It's me, The Handsome RightHander. I saw Dickey Simpkins the other day. I bought a Streetwise from him. He then tried to sell me some pornos and socks. I guess if I watch porno, i would not want my feet to get cold. I tried to walk away, but he kept trying to clean my windows with old streetwise newspapers. I got so mad, I got out of the car, grabbed a basketball out of the trunk, and posted him up. Took the rock to the hole strong, knocked him on his ass, and then threw the ball at his face. Sad thing is, his defense was better than LUOL DENG. So I said: "Hey DICKEY, why not get back in the league? Is it because of your fucked up name?" He said "My real name is LaBurra Dixon Simpkins." I said: "Fuck it Dickey, you could still start ahead of Tyrus Thomas." I threw some change is his Dunkin Doughnuts cup, and sped off feeling better about myself.

The Handsome RightHander

Takin You Way Back In To Time...

for Steve Marcial

FUCK YOU NICK

Hey Nick,

Fuck you. Fuck you for making me angry. Fuck you for boring me with long winded blog pieces about shit nobody cares about. Fuck you for making me care about real issues. Fuck you for your rapier wit commentary about how fat johnner is. Fuck you for your biting sarcasm about how gay Fagmael is. Fuck you for reminding me that the price of being awesome like me, is eternal vigilence. But mostly, fuck you for the long winded blog pieces.

Signed,

Mostly everybody

Dare you to not sing this song

If you ain't up on this...........

a Plea from the Chooch Punisher, to you Bitch.

Bitch,

Have I told you how wonderful you are? When I am with you, I feel like a whole new motherfucker. Since you have asked me not to call you at work because I would flirt with the secretaries, I have decided to discuss your fineness through my blog.

I know we have known each other for only one and a half weeks, but I already know you are the girl for me. You are the only one I want to laugh with, talk with, and grind on the dance floor with. You are the only one I want to ride hard, and put away sweaty and wet.

I am capable of bringing you to a state of orgasmic freakstasy that no other man could ever bring you to. You can try to find this level of sexual satisfaction with some other man, but know that if you leave me, I cannot guarantee that I will still be single when you realize that only I can satisfy all your senses. Then, you would be living in a cold, cruel, Chooch Punisher-less world, and I would not wish that upon you. You are too special to me. You have a great ass.

Damn, girl, you need to take the rest of the day off so I can break you off doggy-style in my bathroom.

Ever since we met 9 days ago, I knew you were the one for me. Your style, your rockin tits, and your class are beyond all compare. In a world populated with many fine women, you are without a doubt the most fine. Let the one and only Chooch Punisher take you out tonight or, if you are busy, tomorrow night to show you how I treat a lady as exceptional as you. Allow me to break it down Pimpalicious style, because fuck him, he stole my whole bit:

First, I will pick you up from your house in a white limousine and take you to the finest dance club in the entire city. The people at this club will be attractive and the beats will be pounding. We will not be in the club for a minute before we get on the dance floor. Even though the other people will be good dancers, we will be the best. When you bump, I will bump. When you grind, I will grind. We will move together like twins who happen to like to freak, minus the incest implications.

When you have foot pain form all that dancing, I will take you by the hand and lead you to the most romantic corner of the entire club and sit you down on one of the plush, red-velvet couches. While you rest, I will go the bar and purchase a drink for you, probably an Amaretto Stone Sour. Before I bring it back to you, I will taste it, demanding finer orange juice should it fall short of my expectations for you. Also, I will ask for less ice so that your Stone Sour is not diluted and watery.

While you sip your drink, I will stroke your hair and tell you such complimentary things as "You are like a fine statue carved out of sexy marble," and "Your eyes are like pools of creamy Italian Hazelnut-laced butter," and "You have nice shoes." You will know that I mean these things because they come from the heart, and the heart is always true. Especially to women with DSL's.

At this point, we will go back to my place, where I will prepare a dinner specially suited for one as lovely as you. While I am cooking the meal, we will talk about your life, your hopes, and your dreams. At this point, I will unthaw a deluxe bag of jumbo shrimp for you to sample as the appetizer. There will also be oyster cocktail and Valentina sauces.

Finally, my dinner of lobster, shipped to me that morning in only the coldest of ice from the finest lobster region in all of Maine, will be completed and placed on the table. Bibs with lobster pictures on them will be optional baby. Along with the lobster will not only be melted butter, but also side dishes. Some of them will be corn, peas, and baked potato. When the meal is over, we will have dessert and coffee.

At this point, you will be so turned on by this night of dancing and lobster that you will be dying to freak me wild. But instead of taking you to my bedroom to punish that chooch, I will build your desire even more. I will do this by leading you to my living room, where I will light a fire and hand-feed you the finest strawberries available. If you do not enjoy strawberries, I will have other types of berries at my disposal that can be fed to you in a sexy manner. Between bites, I will offer you sips of champagne in a glass made specifically to maximize your champagne-drinking pleasure. It will be shaped like my penis.

As much as you want to, you will no longer be able to control your desire. Neither will I. This is when I will put out the dangerous fire I started, because I do not have a fireplace. I will then lead you to my polar-bear-skin rug so we can do it all night long. You will cry for more, and you shall receive it. I will hit it until you can take no more. Then, when you are 100 percent satisfied, I will stop. After that, I will kiss your belly button and tell you how beautiful you are until you fall asleep in my arms.

In the morning, I will make you waffles that have chocolate chips embedded in them. There will coffee waiting for you, and there will also be a cup with cream and two sugars, just the way you like it, cooling on the breakfast bar. If you want toast, I will make it for you and offer you a mind boggling assortment of exotic French jams and jellies. There will also be leftover berries from the night before.

Through this display of caring and thoughtfulness, you will see that I am the one for you. We are like two slightly different colored beads on a single ancient necklace. We are so right together, it hurts to even speak your name when you are not around me. Do not doubt my words. Believe me when I say this to you. The chooch Punisher will capture your heart, and punish your chooch.

Obama baby mama drama

President Obama announced he is sending 30,000 more troops into Afghanistan. This is costing a lot of time and money, but it's totally gonna be worth it when we get the Gold Medal in War. That's what this is for, right? Or does Afghanistan have vast reserves of Twinkie cream or the secret to the sexless orgasm? Eh, whatever. We all have to do busy work from time to time.

-RoboJesus

Yep I said it

As you know, a couple of aspiring reality stars recently crashed a dinner at the White House. We don't need a couple of people with no influence who are famous for no reason walking around the White House. That's the President's job. You see what I did? That's how you satire, jigga!

-RoboJesus

Wheres Leo DiCaprio when you need him

James Cameron's long-awaited Avatar is hitting theaters next week. It's going to revolutionize film. Because no one has released a movie with an offensive budget, no story, and shitty CGI before. Hundreds of them, you say? Well surely no one thought to trick the audience by dressing it up in the utterly worthless 3-D format. A dozen this year, you say? How do you respond, Mr. Cameron? "You assholes liked Transformers. This diamond and hundred dollar bill sandwich is really filling."

-RoboJesus

Men wif big teefeses

Donny Osmond recently won Dancing with the Stars. Wait... Donny Osmond won on a show with "Stars" in the title? Was November Irony Month? It all makes sense now. I kept wondering why I got sent to jail for burning the homeless. Yeah, they're "real people." You got me, Judge Henderson.

-RoboJesus

What would we do baby...sha na na naaaaa!

Meredith Baxter-Birney came out of the closet. The "secret homosexual" closet, not the "Who the fuck is Meredith Baxter-Birney?" closet. Anyway, between her catching gay, Michael J. Fox being infected with the shaky-wobblies and Tina Yothers contracting Tina Yothers' Disease (which results in being Tina Yothers) you have to believe God really fucking hated Family Ties. Except for Skippy. No one can hate Skippy.

-RoboJesus

More Please!!

It's December and I am dreaming of a white Christmas. Actually, I'm dreaming of a melty turquoise Christmas. And sugar plums are fighting lesbian dragons in my head. This LSD-nog is fantastic.

-RoboChuey

Pimpalicious year-end review.

Hello Bitches,

Damn. The last year has been full of challenges and heartbreak for Pimpalicious. His one true girl continues to ignore his many heartfelt pleas to join together again like two stars that have collided in outer space and formed one larger, red-hot star. It fills Pimpalicious with much sadness and causes him to take long, slow walks in the rain, but Pimpalicious has to accept the fact that she will not be coming back to him.

The plan to seduce Michelle Obama in both body and soul has also not moved forward during the last few months. She and her people have stopped returning Pimpalicious' phone calls, and his letters, and the elaborately arranged fruit sculptures he has assembled from the earth's most exotic produce. Also, I think I am on some kind of FBI watch list now.

Making matters worse, my main man Fagmael has not returned the many text messages I have left asking him to kick it at the clubs this evening. He may be getting his body waxed, but still, come on, Fagmael. At least hit me back to say that you are currently indisposed. Tonight, I'm afraid, Pimpalicious is on his own.
But rather than wallow in dismay, I have decided that I will treat myself in the same manner that I normally reserve for the fine ladies of my life. I can say that I am very much looking forward to this evening, as it should be quite special.
Let me break it down for myself.

First I will dress in the finest pajamas and/or loungewear that my closet has to offer. I will try several options, but will ultimately avoid the tailored set of red silk pajamas since they make me sad. This is because I have worn that outfit on many previous occasions, including the time my one true girl brought her friend Oprah into our bedroom on our two-month anniversary. Oprah was very impressed with our lovemaking, and for good reason. We were, and remain, very good lovers.
Once I have selected an outfit that accentuates my masculine attributes yet feels soft against my ebony skin, I will spend 10 minutes in front of the mirror looking for any wrinkles or imperfections. At this time, I will also see how the clothes hold up against many different sexual poses and stances.

Satisfied with my choice of wardrobe, I will then lead myself to the bar, where I will create a sensual cocktail that will be extremely refreshing and put me in a more relaxed state of mind. The cocktail will be delicious, but unlike anything I have ever tasted before. I will make it appear as if I'm creating it on the spot, but its incredible sophistication and balance will make that seem unlikely.
But I can say with absolute certainty that, yes, the cocktail will be invented then and there.

Then it will be time to create a sumptuous meal for myself. The meal will no doubt consist of scallops seared in butter and tenderly sprinkled with appropriate herbs and seasonings. I will also sauté some asparagus as well as that cauliflower I bought last week, because if I do not cook it tonight it will probably go bad. All of these items will be slowly and seductively put into my mouth where I will savor every bite. There will also be bread. If need be, Pimpalicious can always order out.

My appetite successfully whetted, I will take myself to the living room where I will light a fire and hand-feed myself strawberries. I will look at myself in the mirror and say reassuring things as I do this. Things like, "You deserve love," and "You are handsome and in shape and have an extensive wardrobe of clothes that all fit very well." I will also say "It's not your fault" several times. It may be hard for me to fully believe the words coming out of my mouth, but I will want to believe them as my voice will be filled with sincerity and seductiveness.
I will then take a long, hot shower. Damn.

Once I have dried myself off with fine Egyptian cotton-blend towels, I will beckon myself to my bedroom, and it is there that I will reach new levels of ecstasy and pleasure. Three times. While this will be very satisfying, it will in the end be much like going to see the band Jodeci and realizing that K-Ci is not there that particular evening. Just JoJo. It is simply not the same thing, but it will still be very, very good. I will sex me up all night long.

The next morning I will lay out an assortment of bagels and any flavor of cream cheese that one can imagine. I will also have freshly squeezed grapefruit juice. Over breakfast I will contemplate how, despite the setbacks I've had over the past year, I can still be secure in the knowledge that I can treat myself to a fantastic evening all by myself and, no matter what, I am one of the sexiest men on the planet and will remain so until the day I die. I will know this to be true as I eat my breakfast. I will say that it is my deepest wish that 2010 is a much better year for Pimpalicious.

Tiger Tiger Woods y'all

Once again a lesson in pimpology--pussy makes money fools! Stop tryin to get your lil dicks wet! Let us count the ways in which Tiger's dumb ass fucked up.

1) turnin a nanny to a housewife. If you can't turn hoes to housewives what makes a nigga think a bitch that cleans shit for a living is a good choice? Okay this bitch already got the skills to be a housewife--she's been cleanin for a living. But damn...

2) fuckin wit second rate bitches whilst being a first rate balla type nigga. Step yo game up Tiger!

3) lovin' them hoes. Look niggas, unless you plan on leavin your wife for the side bitch, why are you textin and callin the side bitch? Matter of fact, why you married? PUSSY MAKES MONEY! Marriage TAKES money! So unless you plan on turnin your wife out...

This is why Pimpalicious don't even have a phone. Bitches are the most jealous creatures on earth--the bottom bitch don't even want Pimpalicious LOOKIN at another bitch. But Pimpalicious keeps her in line--cause she knows Pimpalicious keeps a stable of hoes and her ass can get replaced with the quickness. But I digress...

Niggas need to back up and think to themselves WWPD? As in What Would Pimpalicious Do? So here I offer what Pimpalicious would have done if he were in Tiger's shoes.

First off, every pimp and ho I know would be in VIP at that club in Vegas.

No contact with them bitches after 1) they refuse to work that ass for cash or 2) Pimpalicious is slippin and actually fux a bitch. Unless that bitch is bringin a friend or she's bringin a friend willin to slang ass Pimpalicious has no words. Better catch a trick and step off.

Pimpalicious only hollas at the finest of bitches. No waitresses and club hoes. No help. No way Pimpalicious takes the nanny recommended by some rich white dude--too pretentious. If that bitch ain't a down ass bitch then it's a waste of time.

So now we know Tiger ain't a pimp. He has finally earned his Black card though (and I don't mean American Express). The rich white folks gave Tiger one of their immigrant slave girls to marry and he ran and tricked off with three other white women. If that ain't a Black man's story I don't know what is.

PMM!

Pimpalicious

Deliciously pimpin and pimpin deliciously bitches

Dinner with the Devil

Wow, I wonder how many of you freaked after reading that headline....DINNER WITH THE DEVIL! Relax, I am happy to report that I have my soul intact and better insight into this enigmatic fool. I guess sometimes it just pays to be in the wrong place at the right time, but I will let you decide.

For one, the Devil is not red. Likes red, but doesn't prance around with red skin or a pointy tail. Call me disappointed when I didn't see any horns, but the number six does play a role. Yeah, amazingly the Devil likes the number 6. Satan did reassure me that that doesn't mean everyone who likes the number 6 is evil, but it can't hurt to be a little apprehensive. That's the thing about the beast, the bastard is actually friendly. There isn't all that burning and misery all the time. Nope, at least in the beginning there is banter, wish fulfillment, jokes, and even dancing. Oh yes, the Devil dances, but not really with you...likes to lead and all, but you learn to deal with it. So over dinner, the devil never knows what to order which I found disconcerting at first as well a few other things: no desire to order for itself, mumbles a lot, and constant indecision. I mean I guess when you spend eternity in hell you really have no idea how to act in general public. Oh, and the beast is always cold. Good lord, I mean always. In a hot room, Satan does nothing but bitch about how much warmer it could be. I take it back, the Devil is a Little red...burns easy under the sun (Glory of God?) which brought me hours of fun as I would poke the burnt flesh. Come on, who wouldn't inflict some measure of pain on the Devil?

Back to my point...the Devil is crafty. Hard to figure it out at first but really the warning signs are always there. LUCY, (my nickname for this horrid bitch) loves to fuck with you, and make you uneasy. Simple little shit like, throwing fits in public or in front of family and friends. People will stare at you and start blaming you like you did something wrong and all the while this freak of nature is laughing on the inside. Lucy also loves to mess with your mind by making you believe what you just said is not what you just said. You can proclaim "hey....I didn't know this wouldbe so much fun...you're not so bad Beezlebub!" and you will get "DID YOU JUST CALL ME A BITCH? YOU DON'T LOVE ME? NO ONE LOVES ME!!!!" Gets real awkward when your at a dinner function and people are just staring at you like you wore a Hitler outfit to a BAR MITVAH. Yeah, Satan is a real muthafucka...

Here are some helpful tips I have gathered that should help you out in detecting and dealing with LUCY, because at some point you will. The bitch loves to infect your loved ones even for fleeting moments.

• During Holidays if the person you're with starts bitching like they are on fire because you have to see your family, slap them like a dog with a newspaper. Lucy hates that and your loved one trapped inside this possessed body will appreciate it. (they call Lucifer the beast for a reason)
• Sudden bouts of crying followed by anger and shouting, followed by a serene calmness that is straight out of the exorcist means you exit stage left. You really don't want to be exposed to this type of behavior for extended periods of time. It gets REAL annoying!
• the Beast tries to convince you your family is evil because they are treating you like family. That has to be wrong because family is never nice...they are EVIL. Seriously, if at this point you haven't walked away your really dumb or too stubborn for you own good, but mostly dumb!
• Promise of change...that you requires you change to fit inside your new box of eternal pain. Forget happiness who needs that?

Ultimately, if you around the Devil you will feel desperation, hate, anger, and a tinge of jealousy. Run, don't walk, and surround yourself with love as quickly as you can. This includes family and friends who care for you. Hell, go to a ballgame, or hit up a bar and hug the bartender. In general, it is a best practice to hug people..if they have big 'hearts' even better.

Dinner with the Devil isnt all that bad though...where else would I get so many fucked up stories and countless hours of jokes. Lucy has to be good for something even if it is just to be the center of my cautionary tales...so be it.

-iz3y!

Rolling Stones - Sympathy for the Devil

OH, ME SOO SOLLY!!

Weekend television sucks. No matter what time it is on a Saturday or Sunday, odds are you'll find something growing in the dirt more entertaining than what is on TV. It's times like these that I like to think back to the mid-eighties/early nineties where there would always be something to catch your interest and you could just turn your brain off for a few hours. Whether it was wrestling, B-movies, tractor pulls or anything else you were into, there was a good chance it was being shown somewhere. While it's true that most of these things are still on today, the one thing that's not is old kung-fu movies and the program that aired them, Samurai Sunday.

While not an actual show, Samurai Sunday was the name of a two-hour block on channel 66 (WGBO) in Chicago and every Sunday they would show a badly dubbed kung-fu movie. Unlike the other movie programs shown at the time it had no host, just the title in front of a color changing background accompanied by stereotypical karate music and after about fifteen seconds, the movie would start.

The majority of these titles were pretty obscure so nobody got their hopes up for a Bruce Lee movie although occasionally a Jackie Chan film was shown. Usually the plots involved a Samurai/Karate Student and his companions trying to rescue someone or avenge the death of their teacher while fighting hordes of evil Ninja Warriors/Punk Teenagers, so it was pretty much like watching the same movie every week. But when there's fist and steel flying through the air, nobody really gave a shit about the story.

What I really miss the most from Samurai Sunday are the good times had by all who watched it. Every week while others were going to church or shopping my friends and I had our eyes glued to the screen occasionally taking them away to act out our favorite part of the movies. One would grab a broom and another would take a cardboard tube sometimes with wrapping paper still on it then each would go to a far side of the room. After a moment, they would charge each other and proceed to fight until one of them falls (HINT: BROOM ALWAYS WINS). I guess in retrospect it wasn't a very smart thing to do but who cares, you're only a kid once, so you might as well enjoy it.

Unfortunately, the odds of a program like this coming back are pretty slim as the overall theme may offend people for some reason and the fact that the channel it was on became a Univision (Spanish channel) affiliate back in the mid-nineties doesn't help either. So in loving memory of my favorite kung-fu themed movie program, I ask that you listen to "Kung-Fu Fighting" by Carl Douglas.

-Samurai Jesus

mmmm... that's my shit!

so people tell me..."iz3y...you're the best person I know and i need help" this is when i correct them because that whole statement is crazy.
"i am the best person period...dont limit me to the small circle of people you know."

Humility is ingrained in my DNA! On a serious note, when someone asked me..."I need a song I can FEEL. A good love making earth shaking beat! This crap coming out is killing me!"

I was taken back because what is the default answer right here? MARVIN GAYE - SEXUAL HEALING? Since Austin Powers fucked that up, I mean how do u take it serious? I needed another one. AL GREEN? Dude was a bad man, and when you hear "let's stay together, "love and happiness" or damn near any Al...you know a good time is about to be had. I wonder if this will still work with this generation? Is there something more updated?

I am also addicted to Harold Melvin and the Blue Notes "Don't leave me this way" (right ISA), but is this the right answer? What is the song that will make the panties drop? the Heavy breathing to fog up the car windows? The Candles to burn to their limit? What perfect blend of music and lyrics will set the night on fire with buring desire and give u everything u require?

Chris Isaak - Wicked GAME? (btw...he really should shoot himself after making that song. He will never do better!) I am extending this search out to you guys because as awesome as I am ...i need help defining what is the default answer to...

"Baby, do you have some love making music?"


-iz3y sipping on courvoisier, wearing his smoking jacket!

Harold Melvin and the Blue Notes - Dont leave me this way

so you're saying we can't be friends?

Man, so this is my latest discovery...well not latest but it just popped up!


People who go on 'breaks' with one another, but don't really know what it means. I really want to shake these fools. Is that legal? I will ask my attny later, but for now, just know i might go with the shake or the famous Archie backhand. YOU'RE ON A BREAK means ur broken up. That means you cant call on them and EXPECT them to show up. You can't call them at two in the morning to talk then get mad when they don't answer. There are no suspended sessions in relationships. You are either in, or your ass is not.


Woman fall for this all the time. They figure a break means he is taking time to re-evaulate the woman's awesomeness and that when he snaps out of his 'childish' funk he will come rushing back. Actually, the guy is taking this time to fuck that girl he had been meaning to fuck or was falsely accused of fucking this whole time, but couldnt because he was with your nagging ass. Once he either fucks her, or strikes out...he will be back and more loving than ever...and you will have thought the 'break' was good for you.


Men...dont get all fucking cocky just yet. If you havent been paying attention to me all these years, you should know women are the same as men. There are no "that's a woman thing" or a "man thing" there is only the weak and the strong. Luckily, society conintually tries to fool woman, but a high number have been operating in secret and yes...a break for them also means they get to explore. So if you call and she suddenly is really busy or has to go out in the hallway to talk to you, that is only because she doesnt want the deep voice muthafucka accidently being heard on the phone.


A break is a breakup. It is not a time of pensive thinking. Could it be? Sure, but also understand that it is a time of unfettered living. Treat it as such and get ur fucking head out of the clouds. Dont watch movies and see how the main characters really love each other and are only broken up because the weak ass male lead hasnt got it together to know that the love of his life is the really gorgeous metropolitan female lead. You're not Carrie Bradshaw, and that aint fucking Mr. Big. If you are, that means you have been with every one that your whore friends haven't explored and him...well let's just say Mr. Big was banging away ...just ask your friends!

I am not trying to be too harsh here, but really, let's snap out of this fantasy people. let's get to the living and quit this virtual reality we have created for ourselves! There are too many great people, great times, and great memories that need to be created to waste on things that just arent real. Get out and choose life!!!

-iz3y!

Milli Vanilli - Blame it on the RAin

Just for fun: How pumpkin pies are made

DAMN

Fat Johnner's

own wife

did not get on here to wish him a happy birthday? Now it REALLY REALLY sucks to be Johnner. At least Jokey Jokemaker316 thinks its funny as shit. Yeah, i started the sentence with a dangling participle, deal with it.

Muscularly yours,

Buff Bagwell

Happy Belated Birthday

Happy belated birthday to Tums.

Signed

Everyone

True Healthcare Reform--not Free Healthcare

The "history" that we witnessed on 11/7/2009 when the House of Representatives passed a bill on health care reform wasn't really what we needed. You can check out the highlights here: http://thomas.loc.gov/cgi-bin/bdquery/z?d111:HR03962:@@@L&summ2=m& and decide for yourself but if you ask me, it would appear that our elected officials continue to miss the point on this.

Part of the problem appears to be the way the media refers to any legislation. Let's stop calling it "Nationalized Health care" because not everyone in the nation will be able to participate. Some 200 million already insured Americans may not be eligible for the benefits given under the bill. The only way many Americans will even see any change is in the effect the bill has on their employer and their insurance carrier.

The real problem is actually insurance. There is too much money being made (and paid) by the insurance industry. Insurance however is effectively the "middle man" in what should be a open market system of providers and patients that works to limit access to care and drive up the costs of providing service.

Currently insurance companies sell their services to large groups (read businesses with employees) and leverage these numbers to get contracts with providers (read doctors and hospitals). Having "coverage" supposedly allows an insured a "discount" with contracted providers. With some plans (like PPOs) you can go to a provider that isn't covered by contract, but then you aren't completely covered by your insurance. And some care (like physical therapy) aren't covered at all until you reach a certain threshold and once it does begin to pay, there are caps and limits as to how much the insurance will pay. In this way health insurance companies effectively operate like monopolies--which were illegal the last time I checked. (What excludes them from monopoly status however is the fact that different companies are allowed to operate in different states--thus there is sufficient competition under the law). Under this system, providers just sit and wait for patients. The insurance companies effectively filter patients to providers and the patients have no idea about the quality of care, competency of the doctors and worse, how much the provider is charging.

Contrast to what would happen if health care was a free-market system like say the tech industry. Supply, demand and quality dictate the pricing structure in the tech industry--why can't health care operate this way? Why not let me pick my health insurance like I do my auto insurance? Why not allow me to pick pieces from several insurance policies (if I'm willing to pay the premium price) much like I can build my own computer from individual parts? A truly free market system for health care would require providers to publish prices and for them to charge people based on those services, not what insurance company they are with. (In theory, BCBS may be able to get a more favorable contract than say UHC because it has more customers--thus individuals going to the same provider may pay different prices--or even worse, certain providers may not accept certain insurance because of these contracts (an attempt to freeze out competition) thus limiting access to certain providers).

With patients picking their own providers and pricing being dictated by the market, health insurers would need to switch their game up. Life insurance companies can't dictate where you get buried; health insurance companies shouldn't be able to dictate (with back room deals) where you get health care. Health insurance companies should have to compete for customers in the same way every other market segment does. (Allegedly they do this now, but I'm talking about on an individual basis rather than a group basis. Say what you want about the cost savings of insuring groups of people--but won't "the market" correct those costs?) If I'm a cancer patient and the best treatment is available in Idaho, I should be able to go there and have my insurance cover whatever I contract with them to cover--and in a "free market" that contract will be more favorable to the insured since the individual can shop around.

What about the other 30-40 million people that don't have health care? Well screw 'em. Understand that this is how capitalism and democracy works--there have to be have-nots. We cannot have it both ways--we cannot have low taxes and nationalized health care and education. Canada isn't that far away--perhaps the uninsured can move there? I'm sure they'd love to give up 50% of their income (provided they have jobs) to have free doctor's visits. But what would really work for those that are uninsured is to make it beneficial for doctors and providers to give pro bono services. Other professions are required to give so much of their service and talent away for free each year. Many private hospitals swear they are non-profit organizations anyway--make it part of their 503(c) (or whatever) status to give away a certain amount of health care services each year. Make it worth their while to take on 1-2 terminal cases quarter. Take the stress off public hospitals (the only facilities serving the uninsured) by providing some incentive to the private ones to take charity cases.

THAT my friends is health care REFORM, which is what the public asked for. Instead we got additions and complications. We just wanted government to fix what we had--not create something worse. Like the banking industry, health care should be regulated not restructured. Hopefully the Senate realizes with their version.

The New World Asthetes

MOTHERFUCKER, don't squeeze them, jiggle them. remember, you ain't kneading dough.

The New World Asthetes

.........Then jiggle my balls a bit.

The New World Asthetes

The NWA says "SUCK MY COCK BUCKYlicious! suck it long and hard. Suck it fast, the slow, then build up to fast again, then hard. MOTHERFUCKER

music for my freaks part 1

Just a quick playlist to set the mood for my people at work, play, and everyone inbetween. Thanks to O, DJ Dave, Chapis, and ISA for the songs and inspiration.

-iz3y!

Introducing...Pimpalicious

One of Pimpalicious niggas told Pimpalicious bout this blog so Pimpalicious did so. Most of this shit is above Pimpalicious head or is shit Pimpalicious don't care about but a few posts had Pimpalicious buggin. Apparently muthafuckas write in to this blog get advice from some nigga named the "Chooch Punisher" and another cat named "Bucky." Advice about bitches no less. Now Pimpalicious asks--who knows more about bitches than a pimp? So why muthafuckas askin bout bitches to some nigga who calls himself the Chooch Punisher and another nigga named Bucky? Never in the history of pimpin has a pimp been named Bucky. And what the fuck is a "chooch?" Nigga it's a COOCHIE!

So allow Pimpalicious to set this muthafucka right. If you wanna know about bitches, you need to holla at Pimpalicious. Pimpalicious will now give you a pimps perspective on what these niggas been talkin about:

1) How long should a nigga wait before punishing another coochie.

First off nigga why you wastin time fuckin a bitch? Every time you fuck a bitch you costin yourself money. If you need pussy that bad, you best have another one out there makin money. Otherwise you doin what we like to call in ho-bidness "deficit fuckin." Next question.

2) Is game really game or a manifestation of one's true self stripped of doubt and fronts?

The previous answer was good, but let me put you up on some real game. Game is merely a word to describe the honey you put in a ho ear. You tell that ho what she NEEDS to hear in order for you to accomplish your goal--Pimpalicious bein money, yours probably somethin lame like gettin yo lil dick sucked. Either way, that's all "game" is. Other people want to use "game" to describe a hustle, but Pimpalicious hustle ain't no game. Games are for kids. This here is real shit. Next question

3) What is the perfect titty to ass ratio?

What the fuck? Do it matter? That bitch got pussy? THAT'S ALL THAT MATTERS. Pimpalicious has seen the flattest chests and the flattest asses make money. It's always some mark ass trick out there that will pay for pussy--no matter what's attached to it. Next fuckin question.

4) I want to impress my new girl, but I really don't know what to do...

Pimpalicious isn't even sure that's a question. Anyway, you don't need to do SHIT to impress that ho (or any ho for that matter). Simply tell that bitch what she NEEDS to hear. Won't cost you a muthafuckin dime, just a lil time. And if you can't figure out what she NEEDS to hear, find a bitch that you can and move on. Next question.

Unfortunately there are no more questions worth Pimpalicious time. The rest seem to be lookin for relationship advice--and that is not what you come to a pimp for. Pimpalicious don't do relationships. There is only one relationship with Pimpalicious--and that's Pimpalicious and Pimpalicious money. Pimpalicious ain't a gangsta but Pimpalicious can handle his shit bitch! Don't test Pimpalicious when it come to Pimpalicious money!

Pimpin deliciously and deliciously pimpin

Pimpalicious

Umbrella..ella...ella...hey...hey

Rihanna's racy new album cover shows her covered in nothing but barbed wire. Too bad she didn't do that a few months ago. As much as hip-hop stars love mistreating women, even Chris Brown may have reconsidered punching a bitch covered with tiny spikes. Anyway, at least now cattle will stop leaning on her.

-ROBOJESUS

Happy F**king Halloween

Halloween is here and once again no one seems to give a shit. Perhaps people discovered they can drop $5 on a sack of candy instead of spending $50 to dress their kids like characters from a shitty movie and hauling their whiny asses around town for three hours only to end up with two tiny Snickers and some Smarties.

Sure, that could be the reason, but for the sake of this blog, I'm going to say it has to do with the fact that Halloween has no official mascot. Every other holiday has its mascot: Christmas has Santa Claus, Easter has its bunny and Thanksgiving has its dead Indian.

You could say the Devil is Halloween's mascot, but the religious connotations hardly make him ideal. The other mascots I mentioned are lovable and cuddly; Santa and the Easter Bunny are what allow their respective holidays to go down so smooth.

Christmas and Easter simply wouldn't work if we focused on a 13-year-old slut giving birth next to some donkeys or some guy getting beat to shit, hung up like a scarecrow, tossed in a cave for three days and coming back to life. Bullshit stories are only cute when they are universally accepted as bullshit.

With that in mind, I offer some potential Halloween mascots. And if any of these contradict what I wrote earlier, remember these are jokes. I know every dick who sees a flashing line in an empty box feels it is their duty as an infallible authority on all subjects to weigh in on everything no matter how ironic or retarded it is. But it's not. Just call yourself a genius and move on. Oh internet - who else could've shown us our collective consciousness is worthless? Anyway, here's my gay list.

Hitler - Why bother conjuring up some holiday mascot when you've got a perfectly evil historical figure going to waste? He's already a mascot of sorts, but what are those six possum-fuckers from Alabama going to do about it if society co-opts him?

Evil Jesus - In essence, Halloween is just the counter-culture's response to decent holidays. So why not simply take their beloved cartoon character and turn it on its ear? Evil Jesus might be the perfect representation. Incidentally, Evil Jesus doesn't have a goatee.

Evel Knievel - "Evel" is right there in his fucking name - this can't miss! It's even spelled wrong, which is totally more evil than regular evil.

Josh Groban - To repeat an earlier point, Halloween is counter-culture. And what could be more counter-culture than making your mascot something so synonymous with lame that it alienates your cool cohorts? Sort of like your hipster friend liking Yanni. Or anyone liking Twilight.

Existing Corporate Mascot - Talk about a win-win for consumption. Santa's great for cashing in on our consumerism, but imagine how great it'd be for Mattel if he was their registered trademark. Or if Cupid's likeness belonged to Kay Jewelers? Halloween should cash-in where others failed to and make Willy Wonka their mascot. Or whatever character represents diabetes medication.

Religious Mascot Multi-Pack - The problem with holidays is they are exclusive by nature. "This holiday is for that religion, that holiday is for this country, my holiday doesn't allow monkey-rape, blah blah blah." So why not do with Halloween what we failed to do with other holidays?

Have a greedy, circumcised ghost for the Jews; a witch wearing a bomb-vest for Muslims; a mentally-challenged, boy-touching ghoul for Christians; and a condescending black cat for atheists. By being all-inclusive, Halloween can be far more profitable than competing holidays. Which is the point, right? Or are we still pretending love and faith exist? No one keeps me updated.

-ROBOJESUS

Stanky Leg

This made me laugh literally out loud in my cube...once I was convinced he would not fall off.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8F5_5sjU7Ps

From Under a Dark Cloud, somewhere in St. Louis...

Dear Sports Gods,
WTF. One choke per day is about all we should have to handle, please.
Signed,
A depressed St. Louis Fan

Give THIS GUY a Nobel Peace Prize!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Accomplishment or punch line?

Today Barack Obama added to his resume of historical achievements by winning the Nobel Peace Prize. There have been a variety of reactions, from joy to confusion to even anger. My reaction however is fear.

Obama winning the Nobel Prize makes me fear the world does not take take our country and its first Black president seriously. Giving Obama the Nobel Peace Prize just 8 months into his presidency (a term in which he really hasn't accomplished much) is the equivalent of patting a child on the head in an effort to encourage. Indeed the former President of Finland said "I see this as an important encouragement."

My point is that the world still sees Obama as a "boy"--both young and inexperienced and barely in political puberty, but also the same way a cop in Alabama might pull you over for DWB. Granted the latter is mostly here at home (Bill O'Riley, Rush Limbaugh, etc.) but the attitude still exists. With Obama still cutting his teeth on the global stage, it's almost as if the world is coddling him like a soccer mom would her child in their first soccer game. "It's okay honey, just run toward the goal! Eventually you will score!" As an American and as a Black man I'm slightly offended by this. Sure I'm happy to see that there are actually those out there that want Obama to succeed. But treat him like a man--admire his ideas (and ideals) by pressuring other world leaders to buy in.

Giving Obama the Nobel Prize is supposed to have this effect. It's supposed to give him "clout" on the world stage, the same way it did Gorbachev in the 90s. I'm not buying. Giving Obama the prize at this stage devalues the American Presidency. The American people and the world are already starting to tune Obama out mainly because he's talking so much. Obama TALKS (as often as possible) about universal healthcare, disarming nukes, condemning Israeli settlements in the West Bank, and sending more troops into Afghanistan. As Obama continues to talk and more attention is lavished on him, it becomes less important when he actually has something real to say. Arguably talking is Obama's greatest strength, (it certainly leads to the perception that he can do something), however with the world view of the West generally and America specifically being what it is, we have to lead by example before anyone begins to hear what Obama says. America has to disarm it's own nukes. We can't continue to blatantly side with Israel in the Middle East. We can't condemn "extremists" for "atrocities" and then send in drones to bomb villages and kill innocent people.

Certainly Obama has taken the anti-Bush approach in that he's not reacting in knee jerk fashion. Even in the Somali pirate scenario in the spring Obama took a few days to send in the Navy Seals. Taking the first year to get a lay of the land is certainly understandable. Talking about what needs to get done and taking ones time to strategize the best way to achieve it isn't a bad idea. But it is NOT Nobel Prize worthy. Bringing national attention to Jim Crow? Organizing a revolution such that the world would take notice and pressure the United States to change it's racist practices? Uniting a group of people under one cause? MLK won the Nobel Prize for these things. While Obama inspired a new generation of people to get involved in politics and participate in the democratic process (arguably the only reason he would be nominated within 12 days of being sworn into office) he certainly hasn't achieved much else yet. He's still running towards the goal, trying to score. Now the whole world knows it thanks to the Nobel committee.

I Have Also Won A Nebel Peace prize

I won it for making myself a cup of coffee, that will quench my thirst as I think about ways to be awesome.

Signed

Jokey Jokemaker 316

The New World Asthetes do NOT approve Obama

Hello Dear Readers,

Barack Obama has has won a Nobel Peace Prize, for what I understand to be, effort. I was always under the impression that prizes were awared to people who did something. The Nomination deadline was 2 weeks in to the Obama Presidency, and at that time, Obama's biggest task was which dog to choose for his girls. Obama maybe won for his oral presentation on why he should win it. This is nothing short of bastardization of the Nobel Peace Prize. This sets a really low bar for others who will undoubtedly follow. I understand the significance of an Obama presidency, but then all who come after will need to be similarly recognized.

A similar event took place when Latinos wanted to have Roberto Clemente's number tetired in baseball in for every team. A segment of the population said it would dimish the legacy of Jackie Robinson, the first black baseball player. Roberto Clemente derived his fame by being a good player, but a great HUMANITARIAN.
Clemnte died while trying to deliver supplies to a latin nation after a devastating earthquake. The fact that his number is not retired is a farce, and any who oppose the idea really need to take a step back and remember how it felt to not have jackie Robinson's number retired. But back to the show. This is very bad for Obama in the eyes of the world, because now he is open to the scrutiny of his failed plans such as Guantanamo Bay, Health Care, Cash for Clunkers, the Failed Olympics bid, etc. He his greatest accomplishment so far is calling kanye a jackass, and having beer with a cop, and a racist professor. But fucking hey, at least he TRIED.

MY CHICAGO RANT

Yeah, i love my city like no other. I have been other places and seen many podunk towns, but mine is still my favorite. No disrespect Brooklyn or SF , but to me, you can't top the Chi! I am from here and you are from there....RESPECT! This place is not where I merely live or work but it is in my blood. It is where my parents American Dream came true, and where mine continues to prosper. Now for you other misinformed people, SHUT UP! When I want your opinion I will fucking shoot myself because it would have more meaning and logic than anything you might have to offer me.

Harsh...yeah a little, but I reps the Southside. Yeah the proud blue collar Southside. Oh, I know you think you know us because you saw the video of the kid getting beaten to death. No we are not animals and we dont pratol the streets for honor students to graphically beat on Cell cams. No you morons, the whole of the city is not like that. Tragedy can strike anywhere, just ask Boulder, CO, or Virginia Tech. Hell go to your closest suburb and read about the laters pedophile on the loose. Shit, Drug Cartels are setting up in the suburbs now due to ease they can operate in villages with lax police support.

There is a reason you came here from the suburbs, trailer parks, and one road towns. We are art. We are culture. We are a place where you can actually meet different people and learn something a fucking book can't teach you. We are opportunity. You come here for our clubs, our people, our scenic views. You come here for a chance to better ur small town life, which clearly didn't appeal to you. If you came, so did the rats, but that is real life. Real experiences, real living. Yes, you have to watch your kids a little more closely, and yes you have to deal with evil a little more often, but such a small price to pay. You wanted to perform on the big stage well here you are...now DANCE or shut up and get out.

As a product of this "bullshit, crooked politcs, dirty, dangerous" city, I am tired of hearing about ur shit. You come here and complain about what is wrong, what is dirty, what is needed. You still come here though and love our jobs, our people, our city, but you have to throw in your complaints like it actually is going to help or do something about what is bugging you. Well guess what, and this is a lesson of survival, suck it up and do something about it. Go ahead and get up off ur lazy ass and do something about it.

Tired of the cops not coming when you call to report a crime? The next outreach meeting, SHOW UP! Or here is a crazy idea, when you see a crime and they ask you what you saw, go ahead and tell them what happened. Hell, just keep calling, and calling and calling! Only then will the men and women who risk their asses getting shot at, take u seriously enough to come and risk it again. Want to know why the police stop coming? Becaise if they arrest someone, and they ask for witnesses, people say "we ain't no snitches". Another reason is because when the cop does chase the fucking culprit 10 blocks and knocks his punk ass to the ground after he mugged someone, they guy claims Police Brutality and a whole community comes out and starts shouting Racism. You know when your kids suck, so do something about that and quit looking for others to do your damn job.

Want to know why the REVENUE van comes steady and often? Because the city has thousands of workers, who keep it running, clean, and a place you brag to your friends about when they call you all starry eyed. The city continues to clean itself up but it doesnt matter without the help of the residents. Do you think all the boulevards and parks popped up out of nowhere? Do you think they went shit for no reason too? That is why we need to do whatever it takes to improve ourselves, not hate on every move to do exactly that.

Got a problem with our weather, get a coat or move!
Got a problem with our CROOKED politics...run for a job or MOVE! (don't go to another major city though, you will find the same. See Guilliani, R. for instance)
Got a problem with paying to park, then walk or use the CTA which your small town cant even imagine having.

BE THE CHANGE YOU WANT! Quit bitching, because us city folk don't want to hear it. We have our own real problems like finding work in a down economy and you out of towners streaming in here looking for opportunities. Quit complaining, because I assure you, a quick trip back to where the fuck you all come from will remind you why you are here. QUIT TALKING SHIT, because in this city, we dont take too kindly to it.

As for the international community who didn't see us fit to hold the Olympics this time...I AM SORRY! I am sorry that GEORGE BUSH sucks dick. I am sorry that for the last 8 years this COUNTRY acted like a fuck frat boy talking out of turn and doing shit behind the safety of the stars and stripes. I am happy you finally recognized that South America should be considered part of the rest of the world, even if it saddens me that we weren't allowed to host a grand party. Trust me, i know you have no issues with us personally, and that you are still stinging from being disrespected by our country for the last 8 years. I get it, hell I would be pissed too, but we need to heal. My boy from CHICAGO is a cool cat. Talk to him, you will feel better about trusting us again. When you're ready, let us know and we will have a slice of deep dish and a cold beer waiting for you. We will be right here, and we are ready to play with you guys again, and share the toys.

Repping BACK OF THE YARDS,
Southside
Chicago, IL
-iz3y!

Blues Brothers - Sweet Home Chicago

We are the New World Asthetes

Dear readers,

You bore me. A great deal of you bore me, and a few of you really bore the fuck out of me. I was at home mulling over how I could make this blog better, when a chance conversation between my daughter and niece happened. My niece was telling my daughter about some "Popular girls," in her class. My daughter asked what I would have asked. "What makes them popular?" My niece says "I don't know, but people call them the popular girls." My daughter, who is my pride and joy says: "Why don't you call yourself popular, so you can be with the ""In" crowd." My niece says this is impossible, as others would not consider her popular. My daughter says "Do whatever you want, but those girls and yourself are all dumb."

This conversation thrilled me, as my daughter at the age of 7 had concrete opinions as to the fleeting nature of popularity, and how it is justly/unjustly earned. She understood the complex nature of public perception, and how it is ultimately possible that the masses are asses. In her honor, I have decided to call my very best friends in the world, and form a club of people who will debate/argue/learn/teach/listen/praise people and ideas for you. I will call this club the New World Asthetes, or NWA for short. on the roster are:

Jokey Jokemaker316 - Logic (What is valid, what's invalid, what can be proven)

Rapahel De La Ghetto - Asthetics (Beauty, art, and taste)

The Raving Lunatic - Ethics (Which actions are right, and which actions are good)

The Handsome Righthander - Epistemology(What we know, and HOW we know it

The Chooch Punisher - Metaphysics (What role we play in the grand scheme of thing)

Bella Baggins - Teleology (The study of design, overall purpose, and end).

NOTE: If I don't take it easy on my daughter, do not expect me to take it easy on you. I feel that she is right for the challenge of fielding your ideas, questions, and comments. I once asked her why she thought Giraffes had long necks. She did not give me ny kiddy bullshit answers, she asnwered: "So they can reach the tender leaves they like to eat." I could have said something about grass or bushes or something, but she delivered her answer with a sort of blunt finality that discouraged further debate.

So we, the NWA, are here to justly rule over you. Let the reign last for a thousand years. Feel free to send ideas, questions, and concerns to the NWA. Please address your questions to a specific person, or to the general council.

Respectfully,

NWA

Curbing youth violence--a summit

Dear Mr. Holder,

It has come to my attention that you are in our fair city to try and find solutions to the "problem" of violence among our youth. I'd like to propose a very unrealistic, unlikely solution for you and the rest of our various levels of government to try.

First, end poverty. Any psychologist worth their salt will tell you the root cause of many of the problems facing "at risk" youth are socio-economic. Lack of opportunity and education leads to fewer choices. Fewer choices makes it easier to succumb to peer pressure. Soon the kids that were "on the fence" are not honor students but wanna be gangstas.

Ironically the same issue is going on abroad. Many of the "insurgents" we are fighting in the middle east and central Asia are fighting because the extremists feed them and provide them with basic needs. The U.S. is blowing shit up rather than offering jobs and building schools. If we could do what the Al Qaeda/Taliban wouldn't there wouldn't be "insurgents." Similarly, providing jobs and education to poor people would limit the influence of gangs and other "unsavory" characters in our communities.

Second, force the FCC to get rid of crappy television. No I'm not one to blame the violence in our communities on rap and TV. However, garbage music begets garbage music videos--and what do you think kids are watching when they get home from school? Television (and the Internet to some extent) allows us to romanticize all sorts of ignorance--from "making it rain" to the spoils of being a successful drug dealer to the prospect of making it on to a reality TV show, Americans (and impressionable kids who feel trapped in "the hood") are easily impressed by this crap (especially when there are scantily clad women involved). Am I saying replace it with educational programming? Not really. But Jim Jones and Rick Ross shouldn't be more recognizable to our kids than you are.

Now why is this unrealistic and why won't it happen? Because we're a capitalist society. There HAS to be poor people. It is mathematically impossible to have capitalism and NOT have a caste system--everyone cannot be rich or poor. Capitalism also dictates that there be competition. That competition includes competing for our attention. Which means broadcasting companies are allowed to show whatever they want (within the rules of course) so long as they think it will bring viewers. So BET is allowed to exist. VH1 can continue to put on the same show with different characters. And the companies that advertise during this show can continue to prey on poor people. ("Do you have bad credit? Are you in an insane amount of debt? Do you have no credit?")

While this letter has a certain amount of sarcasm and cynicism to it, it is sincere. The point however is you cannot fix this problem unless you're willing to flip the system on it's head. We certainly appreciate your concern and willingness to try and find solutions. But after school programs and meetings among adults who have never experienced the trials and tribulations these kids are currently going through (or haven't experienced them for decades) won't cut it.

Regards,

The meanest, the prettiest, the baddest mo-fo low down around this town

Sho-Nuff

A city in decline--Sho Nuff's first RANT!

I first came to Chicago in August of 1996. The city was generally dirty as most big cities are, and was literally a concrete jungle. "Green space" was an environmentalist dream--it simply didn't exist.

In the short time I've lived in this city Daley managed to revitalize and clean it up. Gentrification and beautification took hold so that now we have all kinds of parks and the north side isn't the only place to be. I've had the pleasure of seeing 4 World Champion teams (luckily none of them on the north side). I was beginning to actually like the city. I even bought season tickets to my beloved White Sox.

Then Daley upped the ante--he wanted Chicago to get the Olympic games in 2016. Many of us (especially south siders) began drinking the Kool-aid--Daley's attention was finally going to be focused on the south side! There'd be economic development! They'd fix the streets! They'd actually quash violence! But then something weird happened. The city began to care more about revenue than anything else. Department of Revenue vans were dispatched more than police. Traffic cameras began to go up around the city to make the city "safer." The focus has been on the city's budget rather than actually improving the city.

I get that in order for many of the aggressive projects Daley has in mind that money is necessary. But there are ways to raise money and ways to enforce laws. The city of Chicago has chosen law enforcement as a way to raise money--meanwhile the law enforcement officers can't be found when it comes to keeping the citizenry safe. Police don't want to do paper work unless it leads to a fine. Department of Revenue vans ride up and down residential streets trying to find cars to ticket. A 911 call from a disabled person to complain about a car parked in disabled parking yields a faster response than a call to report drug dealing in front of a day care center.

Add this to the weather and the way the entire County is run and I'm actually beginning to hate this city. I still love my White Sox. And I still love what the city itself has to offer. But now our politicians are squeezing us at a time when folks are already short on money. I understand that as economic times get worse, government grows to provide the safety net. But once the coffers are flush do I get a refund? Hell no.

On Saturday I paid money into a pay box that did not print me a ticket. I called the number on the pay box and was advised to move to another pay box and pay that one. I asked "what about the money I put in already?" No refunds I was told. So I now have to pay to park twice, all because the machine is broken? Ironically this is the same thing happening with my local government. I pay higher real estate taxes despite declining home values. I get a ticket because someone else knocked my license plate off my car. I have to pay to park in places that were once free parking. I have to pay higher sales tax to shop close to home. I have to pay twice because the machine is broken. And with all this money I'm spending the South side still isn't improving. Kids are still getting beat to death. Stray bullets are still killing innocents. Hustlers are still slangin in front of store fronts. Empty lots are still undeveloped and the streets still have potholes. And the north side is attempting to catch up on this negative development what with it's Lincoln Park muggers, beatings and rapists. And Chicagoans wonder why the IOC didn't find us fit?

Unfortunately our President already beat this horse to death but it really is time for change. Daley, Stroger and Quinn all must go. Maybe Chicago even needs to go red for a while--blasphemous I know but since there are 12-13 independents in the entire state (with me being one of them) there realistically isn't anywhere else to turn. SOMETHING's gotta change. Or else I'm moving.

I got lil Nick's rebuttal right here

Why I refuse to help kill the "N" word

I applaud this young man for dropping (or attempting to drop) mad knowledge. He even makes some excellent points. But he's terribly misinformed.

It's easy for advocates for the death of the "N" word to point to all of the positive in the experience of the former African slaves in the United States. The election of Black politicians. Success of Black professionals. The success of Black Athletes. However all of this positive ignores the reality that over 50% of the Black population lives below the federal poverty line. Lack of economic opportunity often leads to lower education standards (especially since school budgets are determined by tax revenue and the tax base in most Black communities is significantly lower than say white suburbia). The dominoes continue to fall to the point that a whole generation of Black children grow up with entertainers as their heroes. Lil' Wayne is now a role model. Rims, jewelry, and the ability to "make it rain" are now symbols of success. Based on the young man's definition of the "N" word in the video above, eradicating the use of the word ignores the fact that niggas still exist.

I cannot advocate, co-sign, or even endorse the cessation of use of the word when people continue to behave in such a manner that justifies it's use. Such foolish behavior that continues to plague Blacks can really only be summed up in one word--the "N" word. Tomfoolery, foolishness, idiocy--none of these words do what niggas do justice. "Nigga shit", or coonery if you will, is unique. Much like there are only certain behaviors associated with rednecks and trailer trash, you KNOW when you've seen or heard about some coonery. You instantly know who was involved. You don't need to see pictures. You don't need to know identities.

I'd even argue that use of the word should not be confined to Blacks. Thanks to globalization and the internet, it's hot for people of all races and creeds to imitate the coonish behaviors that were popularized by Blacks. It's why we have "whiggers". It's why we have Japanese cats rockin' do' rags and sags. It's why cheap imitations of designer items is a hot Chinese export--but for the demand increase proliferated by gangster rap no one would care about Louis V. How much money one drops in a strip joint wouldn't be a badge of honor, it'd be an embarrassment. So long as we as people in general continue to support (and by support I mean give positive attention to) such behavior, there will always be niggas. Niggas have nigga kids who in turn grow up to be niggas. Non-nigga children grow up and see the success of other niggas and how they are "ballin'" and begin to imitate the behavior--thus becoming a nigga. If Darwinism is even remotely correct, niggas will soon be the dominant species. Like roaches they don't die--they multiply.

You want to kill the "N" word? Then rid the world of niggas. Concentrating them into projects and ghettos didn't work; now we put them in "mixed income communities" with the hope that being outnumbered by "civilized" folk will show them how ignorant being a nigga really is. I pray this actually works. But until it does I will call a spade a spade, and a nigga the "N" word.

the JIMMY-isms...because greatness can't be deleted!

KNUTE WAREZ

• Jimmy was the fifth beatle, now he is the third
• Jimmy is the only person in the world to have successfully answered the Credence Clearwater Revival's age-old question of "Who'll stop the rain?"
• Jimmy knows that for a good time he can always call Jenny at 312-867-5309
• When Jimbo was asked if he like blondes, brunettes, or redheads, his simple reply "FUCK YEAH!"
• Jimmy once beat off a mob of angry men single HANDEDLY!
• Jimmy once enetered the kentucky derby on foot, and came in third. The jockey has not finished any higher since that fateful day
• Jimmy knows that the bird is the word
• Jimmy knows the last digit of Pi
• Jimmy only parties in international waters, because you CAN DO ANYTHING WITH DOLPHINS OUT THERE!
• Jimmy is the master of Johnner's domain
• Jimmy won second place in a beauty contest for post-op transexuals. He had not even formally entered or paid his entrance fee.
• Few people know Jimmy has a pet pig with a wooden leg. It once pulled him out of a burning building, fought off a wolf in the forest, and alerted him of an impending earthquake. So I said "How did it lose it's leg?" Jimmy answers "A pig THAT special you don't eat all at once!"
• Jimmy sucks cock and can slam a revolving door
• Jimmy was born with an extra long umbillical cord - he then invented bungee jumping
• Jimmy had a small role in Boogie Nights 2: Boogie Mornings. Critics describe his acting as a breath of fresh air.
• Competitive Mode Jimmy arises like a phoenix out of arizona when needed.
• Jimmy's jeep has no horn, he just hires a man to sit on the roof and go "Woo woo woo woo" like a police siren
• Jimmy starred in ZOOLANDER 2, and won a Golden Globe for his role.
• Jimmy has 6 toes, that’s why he never wears sandals
• Jimmy can eat a footlong kielbasa sausage WITHOUT CHEWING
• Jimmy can eat an onion, 3 eggs, a pepper, and a tomato, and SHIT out a perfect omlette!
• Jimmy brings knives to gunfights
• If Jimmy could rearrange his alphabet, he would put "I" and "Cock" together
• I was bartending one day, and Jimmy comes in and orders 5 shots of Whiskey. I go "whats the occasion?" he goes "First blowjob." I go "SHIT, let me buy you one too!" He goes "No thanks, if 5 shots won't kill the taste, the 6th will be a waste!"
• Jimmy once got a watch for his birthday. He got mad and sold it to buy a gun. "Why?" i asked. He said "If I come home and my woman is getting boned by some dude, what am I gonna do? Look at my watch and ask how long they're gonna be?"
• Jimmy once went to the doctor compalining of having an orange penis. The doctor told him to stop masterbating and eating cheetos all day long
• Jimmy once did yoga for a few months, in an effort to be limber enough to suck HIS OWN cock.
• Jimmy once argued that if he cloned himself, and made love to that clone, he would not be gay. He was quickly asked to leave the church.
• Jimmy kills drifters to get erections.
• Jimmy gets that special porn that they cannot send through the regular mail. he has to have a P.O box and pick up mail during special hours under supervison of at least 3 armed guards.
• Jimmy takes horny goat weed pills. I believe he thinks it will help him attract more goats
• Jimmy likes to "Box the ONE-EYED CHAMP."
• Jimmy has never paid taxes, he just sends the IRS a picture of himself in a fight crouching position

iz3y

• Jimmy didn’t pay more his muffler, he just rebuilt it using beer cans and fishing line
• Jimmy Banda is to VEGAS like beer is to a FRAT PARTY
• Jimmy parties with the Most Interesting Man in the World
• Bruce Banner no longer turns into the HULK after losing to Jimmy in arm wrestling
• Jimmy is an Anti-Dentite, he pull his own teeth!
• Jimmy performed LASIK on himself with a flashlight and a magnifying glass
• Jimmy is male stripper at a gay club...yet he doesnt work there
• Jimmy doubled for Oscar De La Hoya three times and won three titles in three weight classes
• Jimmy locked the target, baited the line, slowly spread the net and caught the man, then sold him for the ten times his price at least
• Jimmy cured the common cold, but decided that the strong should survive!
• Superman was a DJ until he came to Jimmy's block and heard him spinning Disco Cryptonite!
• Jimmy does 2000 pushups a day...no hands
• Jimmy slapped Bruce leRoy, Bruce LeRoy thanked him and called him the 'TRUE MASTER'
• Jimmy arm wrestled a bear...the bear is now missing an arm
• Jimmy can't be a lawyer because passing the BAR is something he can't and won't do!
• Jimmy Banda is to VEGAS like what beer is to a FRAT PARTY
• Jimmy is Derek Jeter's Wingman!
• Cutting crew wrote "i just died in ur arms tonight" after a night of passion with Jimmy
• Jimmy's "Jimmy Jams" playlist went platinum despite just being a collection of gay songs by various artists.
• If you ghost Jimmy's location, he will bleed u you quiet, and leave you there!
• Jimmy have never bitten off more than he can chew, and he can eat stuff that will make a billy goat puke
• Jimmy once played a black man in a movie, without makeup
• Jimmy wasnt satisfied with the current dances out there so he invented the 'Jimmy' Dance which became an instant classic but tragically caused the death of 10 people in a New York CLUB
• Jimmy speaks french...in spanish...with a british accent!
• Jimmy started the Chicago fire so he could piss on the ashes
• Jimmy has the strength of an ant...and the penis too
• Jimmy once performed CPR on a woman...she had a baby 8 months later despite having her tubes tied
• Jimmy has 5 illegitmate children with 5 women and they all can use his fake ID to get into the club without being questioned...Jimmy cant.
• Jimmy captured the one-armed man, and promised him freedom if he could beat him in arm wrestling...there is a dude in jail with no arms.
• Jimmy made love to a lion, just prove he was the king of the jungle. The lion still calls him to this day, but Jimmy has moved on.
• Due to false allegations, Jimmy was forced to take an alcohol evaluation exam. He passed it easily when he bet the evaulator he couldn't out drink him.
• Jimmy has three best friends, each of which can bring about the apocolypse...Jimmy keeps them at bay!

ShoNUFF

• Competitive Jimmy talks mad shit yet maintains minty fresh breath
• Jimmy slept with Macaulay Culkin at Neverland Ranch and then pinned it on Michael Jackson
• Jimmy once got a speeding ticket while jogging
• Chuck shit his pants at the sight of Jimmy
• If Jimmy has an erection lasting more than 4 hours he doesn't call the doctor, he calls over company
• Jimmy doesn't stop until he's had enough
• Jimmy speaks Spanish...in Polish
• "spits" is not in Jimmy's vocabulary
• Jimmy takes "poking" on Facebook to a whole new level
• Jimmy's refusal to lay sufficient pipe is the reason half of New Orleans was washed away in Katrina

RoboJesus

• Jimmy Banda can't live up to Jimmy Banda’s reputation!
• Jimmy leans wit it and rocks wit it….at the same moment!
• Jimmy is as Jimmy does!
• Jimmy can do push ups with his Eyelashes!
• Jimmy once bitch slapped Chuck Norris for being a pussy!
• When the boogeyman goes to sleep, he checks for Jimmy under his bed!
• Jimmy once shot a bull elephant in his pajamas, what the elephant was doing wearing Jimmys pajamas no one will ever know!
• Osama Bin Laden considers Jimmy a terrorist!
• Jimmy was once water boarded...using sulfuric acid!
• Jimmy was detained at GITMO...for a DUI!

COLLABORATIONS

John London vs iz3y
John London: Jimmy is the real "Soup Nazi"
iz3y: Jimmy perfected Clam Chowder without using any clams



Knute Warez vs iz3y

Knute Warez: Jimmy is a re-gifter
iz3y: Jimmy was once given herpes, he gave it to someone else!

Knute Warez: Jimmy starred in a porno called "All deliveries IN THE REAR," as the wacky neighbor Tobias, and then as Recipient #2
Knute Warez: Jimmy is a triple threat. He sings, dances, and sucks cock.
Knute Warez: Jimmy is the Co-Owner of the Manhole Gentlemens Club.
iz3y: Jimmy's Big finale can no longer be shown in theatre's due to excessive gayness. The Gays thought it was too gay

Presented by:
KnuteWarez/iz3y/ShoNUFF/RoboJesus/JohnLondon

ASK BUCKY!...The Real Spit Edition II

Bucky has been laying in the cut getting fat on breaded steaks and resting on his laurels. So we had to wake his bitch ass up and now are proud to present....

ASK BUCKY!

Q: I want to impress my new girl, but i really dont know what to do?
BDG: Do your scouting prep work. Does she like attention? do you have to be the man? Know what, just whip it out and give her a good look. If she is smitten then no more words are necessary. If she starts laughing, then u know the expensive dinner is not necessary.

Q: How did u get ur name BDG?
BDG: Simple, the song was playing when i was racking your mom. I thought, a semi-good memory shouldn't ruin a cool sounding name so i kept it. Now run along, the adults have to 'talk!'

Q: If ur EX still is all up in ur business what can you do?
BDG: my good friend, it is real simple...just be all up in hers. Stalk her but do it right. Get all the expensive spy equipment and cell phone jammers. You know what, really spend the money and have her followed and all the guy would do is walk up to her and say..."[insert your name here] knows...oh..he knows". If you're a real dedicated cat, get back with her just to prove you're not fucking around and trying to have a life. NO WAIT...you could just simply get on with ur life and let her wallow in her own misery. Seriously your call!

Q: Who would u rather go toe to toe with? Chooch Punisher, Rafael de La Ghetto, or Jokey himself?
BDG: Trying to put me in a pickle huh...well let's break this down by the numbers.

CHOOCH PUNISHER: he is a lover not a fighter. Look at the name. Still what challenge would that be. he would just run, and that is no fun.

Rafael de La Ghetto: now this cat's name says it all. RAFAEL...that was a bad ass ninja turtle. I would def think twice about approaching this guy in an alley.

Jokey: Jokey is a depressed clown. Jokey is a nightmare walking. Jokey once made a kid cry on his birthday...then he set his eyes on the parents and yelled at them for throwing a birthday party for a whiney crying kid. He did this while eating the kid's cake and staring the kid's mom's chest. He proceeded to open the gifts and smash the ones he deemed unacceptable and took the ones the kid really wanted.

I would take on Jokey, toe to toe in a battle of haiku's! that is like rap in weird rhyming styles, for you uneducated muthafuckas.

Q: If a girl I work with looks good, can I tell her, or should i worry about HR ramifications?
BDG: Hey, look....how do i put this? Quit being a bitch son! walk right up to her, look her dead in her eyes and tell her:
"You like very nice today, love your [hair/necklace/outfit]" Try doing this without leering at her tits/ass too much and u have a winner. For those with more carte blanche, you can go with:

"Hey sexy, wow...do you know what kind of trouble you're going to get me into?" Again, here u want to look at her ass/tits as a stamp of approval. It is really not ur fault that she decided to wear her stripper outfit from 5 hours ago when her shift ended. Still, you kept it classy, or u can go with:

"So when are we going to RACK?" This one is a bit more straightforward and you want to make sure the answer wont get you and ur shit sent packing from work.


Well that is all for today people. Sorry for the delay, but the weather is nice,
-BDG

lil Wayne - Imma Stunt

The injustice of the justice system

Disclaimer: Please note that this entry is deep. If your head hurts, or will hurt or you have a short attention span move on. Now on to the blog.

Quick quiz. Which of the following is a felony:

a) carrying 1g of heroin

b) beating ones mother to a pulp with a plumbers wrench

c) all of the above

The answer of course is C. Sure there are different classes of felonies, but both are felonies nonetheless. And in the process of doing a criminal background check, both show up the same way. That however isn't the real tragedy. The problem arises when a former convicted felon would like to actually try and become a productive member of society. Why is this an issue? Because society doesn't let them.

Criminal enterprise is cyclical because generally, society doesn't give criminals second chances. Take for example an individual convicted of a felony in 1989. After serving time and meeting all requirements of parole they are free to rejoin society like the rest of us. Except in addition to their time served, now the person can't vote and finding a job is tough. Why in 2009 does an employer care more about the felony in 1989 than the 20 years of good behavior? Insurance. It's more expensive for a business to get insurance with a felon on the payroll. Jobless, with few options to be an active member of society what else is left? (This is where Jokey suggests rapping).

I certainly understand that once someone commits a crime they lose rights. They lost their chance to be whatever they wanted to be. But there are actually people that try and "get their lives together." It's these people who are harmed by the "cruel and unusual punishment" of the stigma society places on felons. A conviction over 10 years old isn't admissible in court and can't be used against someone as evidence because it's too prejudicial--jurors tend to assume once a criminal always a criminal. Unfortunately society doesn't have the same rule for the same reasons. Employers especially and people generally assume that if one did time, they will go back down that path again and soon.

However it's this short sightedness that tends to lead former criminals back to lives of crime. Assuming you the reader is a normal law abiding citizen (and given the demographics of people who tend to have Internet access to even read this site I think that's a safe assumption), let's put you in the shoes of a felon. Say hypothetically you are in the car one day with a friend you haven't seen in a while. Your friend has 10 ecstasy pills in the center console of the car for whatever reason. You're pulled over, and for whatever reason the cop has cause to search the vehicle and finds the X. You're both charged with possession. Maybe you have a wack attorney and you're convicted and sentenced to 2 years probation + 60 days in jail (you being a first time offender and all). Now you've got this nice felony conviction on your record. It can't be expunged because you were convicted and served at least 60 days in jail. Due to your incarceration you lost your nice high paying job and no one else will hire you because you're a FELON. Now what? What would YOU do?

Now imagine someone who pretty much made their living as a criminal or maybe was a drug addict who committed crimes in order to get money for their next hit. Several years of jail actually works to rehabilitate them and they want to rejoin society as a law abiding citizen. "Get out of the game" so to speak. But we won't let them in. Sure we can send them to special programs to get job skills and training--our taxes are used for these programs for ex-cons and poor people to get these skills. But what good are skills when an employer won't hire them? What else do they know? What else are they good at? So what do you think they're gonna do?

The criminal justice system is supposed to do three things: deter criminal behavior, rehabilitate criminals, and provide society with retribution. A felon who stays clean for a certain amount of time, wants to rejoin society and has paid their debt to society--in other words the justice system has done it's job--should get the chance to contribute and REALLY pay back that debt by becoming a tax paying citizen. Unfortunately for them, we won't let them.

Pardon the egomaniac

Much has been made of the interruptions of our President and of Taylor Swift by Rep. Joe Wilson and Kanye West respectively. But there is one thing missing from all of this commentary--their actions are merely an example of a larger problem in our society, a problem that has been festering for a long long time.

Way way way back in the day psychology birthed the idea of "autonomy" and the idea that human beings needed to reach this level of actualization to be anything. Built on this idea of autonomy (as well as old school Greek politics) came the idea of "individual freedoms" promoted by John Locke. Locke essentially ushered in the "me first" mentality, which became the basis of all "Western" ideology. Every individual is free unto themselves, can make their own decisions, own their own land, etc. etc. (Except Negros and Indians because they're savages. But I digress). After centuries of inward focus, our society has "evolved" (if you believe in that sort of thing) and has given birth to fellas like Wilson and West--egomaniacs that really need you to see and hear them in order to feel actualized.

Sure Wilson was merely fired up over the subject matter of Obama's speech and West was drunk of yac. But West is consistently trying to "pull some shit" for us to notice him. Whether it be by making his music different, wearing a ridiculous outfit on TV or saying something stupid the point is to put the attention on him. Since this is Wilson's first offense (that we know of) I'll let him slide only a little. After all he was in a crowded room and not until much analysis of film did we even find out it was him. But you don't interrupt the PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES while he's talking and accuse him of being a liar on NATIONAL TELEVISION unless you're looking for attention.

Our society is full of these people and thanks to myspace, youtube, countless other sites on the World Wide Web and reality TV they have a place to get noticed. Why else would a ridiculously hot woman allow some loser to film her fellating him or performing any other sex act for that matter? How many famous people do we have now that are simply famous for...being famous? They haven't done anything and they have no real talent--but US Weekly follows them around to take pictures. These people are shoved down our throats like we care about their lives. To make matters worse we actually give them attention, which only feeds their egos.

In order to keep our attention and to stay relevant these egomaniacs do outrageous things. And even then those things must be topped. They MUST be the center of attention at parties or any other gathering. Everything they do from crazy stunts to talking out of turn to saying whatever they want screams "WHY AREN'T YOU PAYING ATTENTION TO ME!?!" Why can't we ignore these people? Mostly because they won't let us. They interject themselves into our lives. Take Mr. West for example. You were sitting there watching the VMAs not even thinking about Kanye. Once he realized this he jumped on stage, said some dumb shit, got escorted out and suddenly he's seemingly the only thing being talked about for two straight days. Sure he apologized--but he's not sorry for his actions. He got what he wanted in the end.

So the next time you recognize someone being a douche bag recognize it for what it is--an attempt at attention. And then realize you are partially at fault for making them that way.

"hey ma, look at that pointy haired girl..."

I have a suggestion for the next greatest exhibition the world has ever seen. We could even debut it at the next Olympics which will be the next great World Party that Chicago will throw. Ready for this? here it goes...Let's start a Zoo filled with crazy people instead of animals.

Who wouldnt pay to see that? Take people with different calamities and have them presented just like you would a caged Tiger or an Ape. Padded rooms? Fuck padded rooms, i am talking about Plexiglass and rails, so that people can take pictures with them. We can sit around and listen to them spout off their crazy rambles and tell our children that it is ok, because they are safe behind glass. If it is funny to watch a monkey fling poop, how wouldnt it be funnier to see a crazy person do it? I personally would have about 5 locked in a room and watch as they invent stories based on their hallucinations. We could watch as they argue and swear that what they are seeing and hearing is real. This could be like swimming with the dolphins at Sea World and people could interject comments and story lines that the 'crazies' could run with. They could agree with one and see how ramped up they could make them.

"Elvis lives and is screwing Princess Diana in the ass and i know because his sister told me!"

The more random the story or act the better. If things got out of control, dart to the neck just like they do to the animals in the zoo now.

I know you think I am mean, but how is this different than taking a proud ass lion or tiger and confining it to a cage? Yes, let's restrict their right to live and be free, and instead have psychos stare and poke fun at them. Crazies provoking them by shouting the dumbest shit ever. "No honey, they love being in the safe zoo. They no longer need to find food, or mate, because they take care of all of that. They even take care of their babies, so they really dont need to see them".

We would now have a place to put all these crazy fuckers, and make a buck or two on the side. Hell, it be better if we made it free just so that people could get off their lazy unemployed asses during the day and out of the house. I need to get with a venture capitalist because this is genious!

the genius known as
-iz3y!


Jay Z - On to the Next One