Shout OUT!

HAPPY BDAY to Bella Baggins (7/6) and the BIGS (7/13)

Friday, April 29, 2011

The Royal Wedding

Does anyone care about this? I dont even know who got married but I can tell you this...It will last.

This isnt your run of the mill shindig people. This is about power and money, mixed in with some love and family. When you marry royal you marry for real. Yes I am aware Princess Diana got divorced and lived happily ever after. she didnt, she died in a horrible car crash. See, you and I can get married and divorced no problem. Well relatively without problem if your not attached to a psycho, but they can't. There is still some weight in that whole Prince and Princess title that makes this bond something you dont want to mess with. Does it guarantee happiness? Hell no, but that is not what this is about in the first place. Does it mean a fairy tale life? No, at least no more than any other well off kid.

anyway...i am sure that whoever and whoever who just got married will be together forever and as happy as two overly scrutinized people can be. If not, well at least they have hereditary titles and land they can play with. Is Prima Nocta still in effect?



Wednesday, April 27, 2011


Chicago Bears QB Jay Cutler reportedly proposed to his girlfriend this past weekend. The question everyone heard once this news was reported was, "If he got down on that there left knee to propose he should have been able to finish the NFC Championship game!"


The Hierarchy of Hoes

For many years now people have mis-used the term "ho." Often used to refer to someone who is perceived to be a promiscuous woman, mere promiscuity is not the trait of a ho. (That'd be a slut). No a real ho trades sex or the idea of sex for financial gain ("ho" being slang for the word "whore", which is a derogatory term for "prostitute"). With that in mind I give you the Hierarchy of Hoes--a tiered model of whoredom which explains where various women may fall. Please use this as a guide before calling someone or referring to them as a "ho."

Tier 1: Porn stars
The creme-de-la-creme of hoes, porn stars make the most money and sell the most sex. Having sex on camera is what makes erotic entertainment legal (and not prostitution) so says the Supreme Court but I say, if you're fuckin in exchange for money, yous a ho. Additionally, porn stars don't even limit themselves to the opposite sex. Some male heterosexual "actors" will even do gay porn because of the increased financial gain. Ladies and gentleman the kings and queens of whoredom--porn stars!

Tier 2: Escorts
Contrast to mere prostitutes, you have to pay an escort for their time in hopes you might get some ass. And that's really what separates many of those who belong in each of these tiers: they may not actually give it up, but they sell the idea that they will. It's still selling sex for the purpose of financial gain so they qualify.

Escorts make less than porn stars, and may also have less sex but wield similar power. For example, porn stars have the ability to chose the kind of scenes they do and to some degree who they will fuck. Escorts do as well and the mere expense of hiring either a porn star or an escort limits the clientele, thus making the idea of having sex with either more exclusive. Therefore, escorts trump the next tier.

Tier 3: Prostitutes
The whole idea with these hoes is to have sex, so they automatically qualify. For the price of the next tier (in some cases) you actually get to bust a nut rather than go home and imagine what it would have been like.

Tier 4: Strippers
Entering the Tiers of Tease, strippers sell you a fantasy. Women dance for you as they slowly remove their clothes and right before its about to go down--the music stops. And she's gone. On to the next one. Which for all these hoes in the Hierarchy is key: you can only make money by keepin it movin'. Any stagnation and you're not getting paid.

Tier 5: Entertainers
While they don't sell their sexuality specifically for financial gain, they do for an additional revenue stream. How many actors/actresses have we seen do magazine shoots where the point is to make them "sexy?" Cosmo, Maxim, Playboy, even Vanity Fair will prance out an actor/actress half naked or full nude and the extra attention makes you realize "damn he/she is hot. I'm going to see their next movie!" Hoes.

Note: Models do not make this list. While they are definitely pimped, they do not fit the definition of selling sex for financial gain.

Tier 6: Bar maids
This includes bartenders, cocktail waitresses, scandalously clad servers--any woman who works in a bar/club who flirts with you so that you drink more, so that you tip more. Remember folks the idea here is to sell sex for financial gain. They tease you more than strippers--you don't ever actually get to see anything. You might get cleavage but no beavage. Which makes you WANT to see more of her. So you keep ordering drinks and accepting her flirtatious advances in hopes that she'll relent and give you a sneak peek, or even go home with you. Except it's not going to happen. After all she's not a strip ho, or a prostitute.

Tier 7: Gold diggers
The lowest of all hoes, the fact is you're not getting anything from a gold digger. Readily willing to give you plenty of allure, you may get to first base but that's it. True professionals may be willing to go all the way to third base, but you're never getting home. And that's the point: to keep you on a string so that you keep spending that money in hopes of getting some action. While the profitability of this tier is quite high, they aren't quite as consistently successful to rank higher than any other hoes on this list. Many men no matter what their finances are like would rather get more for their money. With gold diggers you get less.

So there you have it. There are definitely many other types of hoes--people who sell something else in exchange for money such as consultants--but only these hoes sell sex. The entire Hierarchy will be LITERALLY on display tonight April 27th at Excalibur. Details can be found here.

The meanest, the prettiest, the baddest mo-fo low-down in this town
Your Highness in waiting,

Friday, April 22, 2011


Onlookers throughout the English-speaking world remained enthralled this week by the majesty and pomp of the upcoming nuptials of England's Prince William, a man who wouldn't in a million years be caught dead associating with any of them, sources reported. "What a beautiful dress and that cake!" said Arizona housewife Jeanette Tyler, 47, a woman Prince William has been raised since birth to believe he is genetically superior to in all respects. "It's like a fairy tale." The wedding of Price William, whose full title is His Royal Highness Prince William Arthur Philip Louis of Wales, Royal Knight Companion of the Most Noble Order of the Garter, will be broadcast to six continents of the eager hoi polloi, none of whom he would ever even stand within 50 feet of unless they were part of a carefully orchestrated photo opportunity.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Ridding the world of HBS Pt. 2

Mere days after typing the wondrous entry "Even fine ones suffer..." I realized I was missing something. Something big. The basic premise is this: in order to truly find and secure a mate, that mate must not only be the sugar to your Kool-Aid, the Yin to your Yang, the jelly to your peanut butter, they must also value you in along the same lines that you value yourself while also knowing their role/place in your life.

Everyone in America has a distorted self view. It's what makes America so special. Whether you think more of yourself than you should or less, generally speaking what we think of ourselves doesn't really conform to reality. This is where that special someone has to value you for what you value yourself.

If you think and feel within your heart of hearts that you're special, when reality is you're just an average muthafucka, it won't work out with someone who sees you for what you truly are (an average muthafucka) but it will work with someone who thinks and feels that you are truly special. Now I know you're thinking "no shit Sherlock" but if it were that obvious John London wouldn't be such a successful man whore. (Entirely different blog but I digress). The point is if we really want to rid the world of HBS, people need to get real with themselves and come to grips that you're really not that fly/smart/etc. or that you're more attractive/smarter/etc than you give yourself credit for or...improve their powers of seduction.

Convincing someone that you're something that you're not is pretty much the whole premise behind dating. Once you get into that relationship that's when truth comes out and people see you for who you really are. Emotions (and great sex) will keep you together. But this formula leads to an over 50% divorce rate in this country. Instead I recommend people (especially the ladies) take the time to determine "what makes me so fucking special?" Once you have that list, I promise you'll be able to find more compatible partners in love.

Which brings me to the second premise--know you're role. After your self assessment you'll figure out why others didn't really treat you according to your own perceived self-image. To take a line from the Chooch Punisher, "you're a shiny apple. You're used for what you can be, and then you are left a core, to be discarded." In other words, you ain't that special. So look at the list. If all that's on it are superficial things, recognize then that your role will likely be a superficial one. You'll be arm candy perhaps. Maybe a jump off or bust down. I say embrace it--at least until you can convince someone else otherwise.

There's a reason why so many relationship "experts" claim that couples must be teams--it's because sports teams are the best example of how these things should work. Every player on a team has a role. Some are better than others at filling that role, but most successful teams have players that aren't just good at their role but are WILLING to play it. Kyle Korver probably thinks he's a starter in his mind, but he's willing to come off the bench for the good of the team. Sometimes you need to be a bench player for a while. Sometimes you'll be a starter. You never know when the team will need you, so you need to stay ready either way. Once you know your worth and your role, there is no limit to your happiness within a relationship. HBS will finally be cured.

The meanest, the prettiest, the baddest mo-fo low-down in this town
Your Highness in waiting,

The Chooch Punisher has advice for Sho-Nuff

Hello evildoers,

     After reading Sho-Nuffs brilliant thesis for the Halle Berry Syndrome, its side effects, and possible cures; I have developed a thesis of my own.  A "Thank You " goes out to Sho-nuff, because great writing inspires new ideas and discussions.  Bu then I read it again, and I say "Sho-Nuff, i have to disagree." Then I read it a third time, and realized that it sounds way off.  I sought outside opinion, and realized that the woman I read this to, was decent looking, so I ditched her and found a hot woman to read this to.   The hot woman got all offended and thought that the blog meant that all hot women have problems keeping men.  "No you sexy idiot" i said to her.  "The article is about HBS, and how beauty is not enough to keep a man."  "It isn't?"  She replied. 

I said "If it were, you would have women be with one man their wholes lives."  "The fact that you have had several boyfriends is a testament to the idea that you are not special, or unique like the snowflake.  You are a woman that is pleasing to the eye.  Men would like to enjoy your body and then throw you away.    You are a shiny apple. You are used for what you can be, and then you are left a core, to be discarded.  There ain't no motherfuckers saying "Hey I won last night's lottery, take my ticket and when you are done with it, give it to someone else."  You are in no way, shape or form as hot as HalleBerry, and if she can;t keep a man, what hope do you have?"

     The woman crumbled in tears.  Mascara running, and ruining her Bebe shirt, BAPE pants, and Manolos.  I laughed.  Long and hard.  When i had laughed myself out, I took this woman;s hand, and told her that the answer lies within herself.  The self worth she so desperately was looking for was not determined by the price tags of her designer clothing, her bling, or her stable of men who she was "using."  Her self worth would be determined by her own goals and accomplishments.  In other words, I told her to go back to school. 

     You see, Halle Berry is hot, and that's enough to get her to talk to me.  But if she really wants to get my attention, she has to be smart.  The kind of women I like range from many fields.  Wonder Years actress winnie cooper held my fascination for a while.  Danica McKellar, is a Summa Cum Laude graduate of UCLA with a degree in mathematics. She co-authored a thesis of Percolation and Gibbs State Multiplicity for Ferromagnetic Ashkin-Teller Models in Two Dimensions.  She has a great ass.

Someone told me that Black Swan was a decent movie so I watched it.  Natalie Portman was ok in it. but then I heard she is a graduate of Harvard with a degree in psychology and while a high school student a co-authored  "A Simple Method To Demonstrate the Enzymatic Production of Hydrogen from Sugar."  She jumped up on my scale.  When she had the lesbo action in the movie, she jumped up more.

The always lovely Cindy Crawford has been on my radar for a while.  She attended Northwestern University for a term on a chemical engineering scholarship until she was discovered.  She is also into three ways with George Clooney and his smoking hot fiance.  And Brooke Shields graduated in 1987 graduate of Princeton University, receiving honors in French literature. Both old, but still hot. 

The woman stopped crying and said "I heard Lisa Kudrow got a Biology Degree from an Ivy League School."  I told the woman to shut the fuck up, as this was a conversation of hot smart women.  Phoebe's face looks like a leather jacket with eyes
The woman laughed, and told me she felt better about herself, and was sorry for misreading the article.  I told her that while beauty is enough to let her talk to me, it was her mind I wasn interested in.  She thanked me, and asked me what I was doing later.  I will be doing you later"  I calmly replied. 

And that Sho-nuff, is how you talk shit to a conceited hot woman, make her laugh, and then rack her in the ass within the span of an hour.  I also had a chicken cesar salad.  All and all, I would say it was a good lunch hour. 

The Chooch Punishser
Still not lovin them hoes (Unless they are smart)

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Even the fine one's struggle...

Halle Berry has left yet another man. After trouble with David Justice and Eric Benet, she figured she had it all figured out--I'm going white guy. Even had a baby with him. Turns out that wasn't the greatest move either.

Ms. Berry has had very public and well chronicled issues with men--to the point that she has a "disorder" named after her: "Halle Berry Syndrome." HBS is when a woman that is from all measurements a 10--she looks good, she smells good--but can't keep a man. Getting a man? No problem. KEEPING that muthafucka? Not so much.

Sure each man had his quirks. Justice beat her. Benet was either too freaky, unfaithful or both. Who knows what the issue was with white boy. Bottom line is one kid later, she's not with him. Which begs the question--is it really Halle or is it the men?

In all likelihood there is plenty of blame to go around. But HBS can be easily cured by simply "recognizing the regular."

As a society we tend to extraordinary-fy beauty. Because someone looks good, they must be awesome. They must be smart. They must be great in bed. They must have money. When really they're just "regular" only more generally attractive. Based on my completely unscientific, based on absolute nothing analysis, relationships with people who have wide ranges of attractiveness tend to work out pretty well. Seal and Heidi Klum are the prime example. While I have no idea if this is true, Seal probably had a moment where he was like "damn I'm dating a VS model" but for the most part, she was just Heidi. And Klum probably picked up that vibe and recognized Seal not for the famous singer he was but for just a really nice guy--just not really as hot as she is.

And herein lies the crux of HBS. People with HBS tend to seek their equals. In Halle's case she wants someone just as beautiful or just as famous. But in order to defeat HBS, she'll need to get someone uglier or broker, or more emotionally fucked up than she is (or might be--assuming she is after several failed relationships). Having someone just as cute, as smart, as paid, as freaky, as whatever-across-the-board doesn't work. It's why people date others older/younger than them--the experience difference matters. It's why you see ugly dudes with fly chicks, or lames with people who are hot--basically its the old premise that you can't have yin without yang.

So my message to you Ms. Berry (other than call me), is find a man who isn't I mean the white guy was a model--he already thinks he's prettier than you. Then it comes out he's callin you "nigger bitch" and says his daughter isn't Black--I mean what did you expect from a model? Get yourself a background singer. A bench player. An actor who had a secondary role. A nigga who made a cameo. An accountant for goodness sakes. Take it down a notch.

And the same for you other sufferers of HBS. Get a dumb guy or an ugly guy or an ugly dumb guy, or an attractive dumb guy with a huge dick. Suck it up and admit someone might be smarter than you and go after them. Will you hate the fact you really can't hold a conversation with him longer than 5 minutes? Sure. Will you dislike the looks you'll get as you walk with him like "WTF?" Hells yes! But will your relationship last and last? You bet.

The meanest, the prettiest, the baddest mo-fo low-down in this town
Your Highness in waiting,

Saturday, April 16, 2011

CHASE BANK's Retirement plans for you

A student once came up to me and said, "Dearest Jokey, you are so wise, how should I invest the money in my savings account?  Can I just give it all to you?  You're so sexy, please help." 

I told her this story

Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each. The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them.

The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.

Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.  In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers; "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each."  The villagers rounded up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys.  They never saw the man nor his assistant, only monkeys everywhere!

Then I left.

Jokey Jokemaker

Friday, April 15, 2011

Nike gets it done

Hello evildoers,

     I, Jokey Jokemaker, have blown the lid off of the scandal that Skechers was using fat-assed Kim Kardashian in some fake fitness add, and using a slimmer, sexier stunt ass to do close up scenes.  I remembered an ad Nike did last year about butts, and called CEO PHIL KNIGHT.  "Philly," I said, "You need to show sckerchers whats REALLY GOOD."  SO nike has brought the campaign back.  YOU'RE WELCOME MEN OF THE WORLD!


Look at the lady in the bottom right corner, look familiar?

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Things I think I think Vol 2

1)  Jennifer Lopez won the Award for most beautiful woman in the world.  Number 2 was Zac Effron.  I say, Effron got robbed. 

2)  Kobe Bryant got fined 100,000 dollars for calling a referee a "Faggot."  I would tend to believe Kobe because not only is the ref always patting the guys on the butt, but he showers with them too according to my Los Angeles Laker contact, CRAZY-ASS RON ARTEST.

3)  Lebron James' mom slapped a valet who did not get her car fast enough.  Reportedly she was SHITHOUSE drunk, and thought she was RICK JAMES.  I got a riddle for the valet:  What did the five fingers say to the face?  SLAP!  In momma James's defense, "She's a very kinky girl, the kind you don't take home to momma."

4)  The worlds first 3 D porn film to be shown in a theatre sold out in Hong Kong,  In Japan, Not so much.   They are more worried about corpses washing up on the shores, and possibly being radioactive for the next few hundred years Glad to know that Hong Kong has its priorities straight.

5)  A prostitute/massuese was busted for the 5th time in New York.  Why is this news?  Her name is Suk Ho.  Insert joke here

6)  Jimmy Banda has booked a flight to New York

7) A former student of mine who was a manager at UPS and a Student at a local Community College, was busted for prostitution.  Apparently when I said "get a internship, she heard "GO SUCK PENISES FOR MONEY."  On a brighter note, the student I told to "Go suck penises for money," has a nice internship with one of the big four accounting firms.

8)  The Cubs suck Donkey balls, but what else is new right?   Well, I for one, never knew White Sox Manager Ozzie Guillen got so mad.  He said :"This ain’t on me."

Guillen tackled a first, tenuous question about bullpen “déjà vu,” and set off on a rant: “When you have a bad bullpen, that’s what happens. That’s what happens. That’s the third time this has happened. I wish I knew who I could bring in the ninth. I mean, we tried everyone in one inning. No more excuses.”

Guillen then proceeded to throw 21-year-old reliever Chris Sale under the bus, accepting no responsibility for running the lefthander right back out after having thrown 34 pitches in two innings just half a day earlier.
“We had a three-run lead, and he said he could go,” was Guillen’s explanation for plugging Sale right back into action.  While on the surface Guillen appeared to be enraged by his media session and furious at his cowardly lion of a bullpen, it was clear he was growing increasingly angry at himself for precipitating the situation.

Asked for his opinion on his wheezing pen, Guillen took a seat in the stands, or press row, rather than the dugout, where he was tossing cups full of water as his team melted before him: “I see what you guys see. Next. What the hell am I going to see? I see the same shit you guys see.”

Drunkenly descending into a spate of postgame madness, Guillen became increasingly blinded by rage, hopping from excusing Sergio Santos from the debacle (ignoring the fact that the righty threw just 24 pitches yesterday vs. Sale’s 34) to an offhand joke about calling in ex-Sox closing ace Bobby Thigpen [now Single-A Winston-Salem pitching coach] to help out before a final, ranting meltdown against his own pitchers, a scene almost frightening to witness.  “When we play good, they send those guys to this God-damn table and talk to them like heroes,” Guillen spat. “When we fuck it up, I’m the one who has to God-damn sit here and talk to you guys.”

9) Jimmy Banda got busted in NYC with a woman named Suk Ho, her cousin STANKIN ASS,  and her sister Dirty, I wonder what they were up to? 
10)  Obama does not know how to solve the tax problem.  He should use  There I found this:

Let's put tax cuts in terms everyone can understand. Suppose that every day, ten men go out for dinner. The bill for all ten comes to $100. If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this:
The first four men ? the poorest ? would pay nothing; the fifth would pay $1, the sixth would pay $3, the seventh $7, the eighth $12, the ninth $18, and the tenth man ? the richest ? would pay $59.

That's what they decided to do. The ten men ate dinner in the restaurant every day and seemed quite happy with the arrangement ? until one day, the owner threw them a curve (in tax language a tax cut).
"Since you are all such good customers," he said, "I'm going to reduce the cost of your daily meal by $20." So now dinner for the ten only cost $80.00.
The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes. So the first four men were unaffected. They would still eat for free. But what about the other six ? the paying customers? How could they divvy up the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his "fair share?"  The six men realized that $20 divided by six is $3.33. But if they subtracted that from everybody's share, Then the fifth man and the sixth man would end up being PAID to eat their meal. So the restaurant owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man's bill by roughly the same amount, and he proceeded to work out the amounts each should pay.

And so the fifth man paid nothing, the sixth pitched in $2, the seventh paid $5, the eighth paid $9, the ninth paid $12, leaving the tenth man with a bill of $52 instead of his earlier $59. Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four continued to eat for free.  But once outside the restaurant, the men began to compare their savings. "I only got a dollar out of the $20," declared the sixth man who pointed to the tenth. "But he got $7!"

"Yeah, that's right," exclaimed the fifth man, "I only saved a dollar, too . . . It's unfair that he got seven times more than me!"  "That's true!" shouted the seventh man, "why should he get $7 back when I got only $2? The wealthy get all the breaks!"  "Wait a minute," yelled the first four men in unison, "We didn't get anything at all. The system exploits the poor!"

The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up. The next night he didn't show up for dinner, so the nine sat down and ate without him. But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered, a little late what was very important. They were FIFTY-TWO DOLLARS short of paying the bill! Imagine that!

that ass is a ticking time bomb

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Another fucking no-brainer

Jennifer Lopez was voted The most beautiful Woman in the world.  This of course proves that this award is pretty much for sale.  No way J-lo ever beats out Sophia Vergara, Brooklyn Decker, Carla Gugino, Beyonce, ALMOST ANYONE ELSE!  I like that J-lo spends an estimated 4 Milllion dollars a year on hair and makeup for American idol, and still comes out on tv in gharish make up and horrible sequined outfits. She is short, fat, orange, brainless round, and full of hot air.  She is basically a basketball.  This award is as for sale as the footprints in front of Groman's Chinese Theatre The Nobel Peace Prize, or the star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. Thats right, she makes 10M, Plus an extra 4M in hair and makeup.  Why can't we tax the shit out of her and leave my piddly paychecks alone?

From my skincare regimen to my grueling workouts and portion-controlled diet, Lopez says she makes a concerted effort to stay in top form. "The thing is, it's part of my job," says the singer, who ran a half-marathon six months after she gave birth. "I don't want anybody thinking it's easy. It does take time and it's hard work. HDTV wide-screen is nobody's friend!  People forget that since I am not popular, recording,talented,  doing any concerts, or special apperances, and was super fat, I had to get in shape if I ever had any hope of not fading into obscurity.  Its tough to wake up at noon, do a half hour of cardio, have my chef cook up gourmet meals, and  go designer shopping every day.  Sometimes I can only shop for 3-4 hours.  I am lucky to get my 12 hours of sleep in!!!!!  "

People like Gwenwth Paltrow, Jennifer Anniston, J-Lo don't get it.  They are not beloved becuase no one takes them seriously.  Paltrow makes diet recommendations like "Have your personal cook with Australian lemons."  I have had them, they are tasty, but also unrealistic for common people such as you, the readers of my blog,  These rich types do nothing all day except diet, work out and have people shop, cook, think , and make decisions for them.  So thereyou have it. If you’re not a millionaire like Gwenth is, it’s because you’re lazy. With a little effort You too could have had parents who are Hollywood royalty like her acting parents and her godfather Steven Spielberg would have given you your first role as Wendy in Hook. When Gwyeth Paltrow started acting, she had nothing but 10 million dollars, connections, and a dream. It really is an inspiring story.  Fact is. there is a team J-lo in place to ensure she buys awards like these.  The ghettos are teeming with big-assed women, but without the stylist teams, rich acting parents, and millions of dollars, they do not stand a chance.  So to J-Lo, Gwen, jennifer anniston, and the likes, a big. hearty FUCK YOU goes out from me to you.    In other news, Derrick Rose will win NBA MVP, The Government will raise taxes, and people will continue to die every day from now until the end of recorded time.  This is especially true if you live in Japan.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Sometimes I'm a rapper

You went from Jimmy Chews to Jimmy Choo's and now you wanna act all brand new?
Please! Stop trying to attribute your man's accomplishments to you

Monday, April 11, 2011

EVEN MORE THINGS that make me say "Eh"

I was driving last night, listening to the radio. Rock Music in the summer of 2010 is terrible, I hear myself say. I opt for a homemade mixed CD I made about three weeks ago and have listened to dozens of times. It is also terrible.  I can never make up my mind.  I jump from Green Velvet to Andrea Bocelli, yep, its as bad as it sounds.

The government prolongs the inevitable shutdown by a week to bitch and moan a bit more.  Hey, If the local manufacturing business shuts down, do the workers get paid?  I'm just saying

 While trying to be a creative person and be amongst other creative people I realize the word ‘creative’ has no positive value judgment. Most “creative” people are bereft of talent and create yet more food for garbage cans.  Could creative mean that you lack the ability to follow a form or process to get something done?  "He/she is so creative"  is just code for "This goofy fuck did not follow the rules, but lucked out in the end." 

The Cubs fans in my fraternity and their comical efforts to have an argument with me about why the Cubs are better than the Sox.  I mean really?  Come on.  REALLY?  some popular comments they make to me "One championship in the last 90 yrs or so, who cares?"  I always say: "I would rather win the lottery and be filthy rich once, then not ever win."  They usually say something about dedicated fans or some goofy shit.  I like to show them pics of Wrigley field bleachers with their backs to the field, or of there being more seagulls than fans.  Then the inevitably fall back on the argument that the city would shut down if the Cubs ever won the title.  I say yes, yes it would, because that would be the day that every single other team in professional and minor league baseball died in fiery plane crashes.  Then they get all huffy puffy and I go "Eh."

The situation as a comic.  This guy is as funny as Chris Burke, who played TVs Corky from Life Goes On, but without the intelligence or charisma.  Google him, You know you want to. 

Starlin Castro getting hit in the face with  baseball, most cubs fans are used balls in the face.

Recently  I’m becoming equally concerned with both my substance abuse problems and also becoming a recovering substance abuser addicted to meetings and reminiscing about abusing substances. Today while running an errand, I picked up a beer to drink in the car and noted it’d be a good story to convince others, which they all do, that I actually did have a problem at one point.  I mean I almost really convinced myself to have a drinking problem just to have a story to tell at one of jimmy's parties. 
Jokey Jokemaker316

Thursday, April 7, 2011

GUILTY...i am almost sure of it

so as not many of u know or care, Barry Bonds is on trial for allegedly lying that he knew he was taking steroids. Yeah, he is on trial for telling the grand jury that he did no knowingly take steroids. Not that he took steroids, because he admitted that, but allegedly lying that he didnt know. Some in the media and other dumb ass yahoos are all up in arms because FINALLY Barry will get his just due punishment. FINALLY WE WILL HAVE JUSTICE....THE AMERICAN PEOPLE DESERVE RESOLUTION!!!!

You know what...we dont care. A poll taken my ESPN showed 70+% of the people dont give a shit, and that was years ago when this was hot. Now, this is just a farce to make a reputation or two for prosecutors who have really nothing else to do.

Barry Bonds is an asshole to the media. Not was, or used to be, but currently to this day is. He doesnt like explaining how he got great. From the time he was born until he started taking athritis cream that made him bigger, faster, stronger, and angrier, he has been GREAT. Barry was born great. He is an XMAN in baseball. A mutant freak of nature that could hit, run, throw and choke in the playoffs. He also was an arrogant short tempered man with the media so they hated him. They couldnt understand why he wasnt nicer to them. Why he didnt appreciate them shoving them microphones in his face to make him a star. Well it probably has something to do with the fact he is an asshole. I have no idea why that matters to anyone, since i only paid to watch him catch a ball! Barry was/is a Hall of a Famer, and always was even before he went all Juggernaut on us. You could hate him if you want, but the truth is, that man is a HALL OF FAMER! Later in his career, it was alleged that he got tired of seeing these no name assholes with a shred of his talent making a mockery of him and his numbers. They were pushing their way into the Hall and robbing tarnishing the luster of what he had done.

Here was this stud watching as 'B' or 'C' level players were putting up game show numbers and fucking with his legacy. Hank Aaron was pissed and Barry was damn right inconsolable! Sammy Sosa was a garbage player since his days with Texas and the White Sox. I was in the stands when the first time Sammy came running out and over the off-season he looked like he swallowed a muscle bound midget. SAMMY WAS HUGE! Guys take notice when another dude gets all swole and this cat was SWOLE! His warm up tosses were hilarious. His smooth powerful arm was replaced by a buff ass grenade launcher. I remember Mark McGuire in Oakland and how beastly he was. RIPPED out of his mind coming out of college. Jose Canseco and Mark would later take turns breaking down because of the 50lbs of muscle they put on unnaturally. Now here he was in a St. Louis uniform hitting bomb after bomb, forgetting they hey might actually want to win a game instead of trying to hit that ball to Chicago. If I saw this all, you best believe Barry did too. He also watched in raging horror as Brady Anderson, Brett boone and the rest of the busted ass ballplayers became titans of the game. They would look at Barry and just smile..."hey, who needs to work hard and be born with talent....we got our own secret!" Washed away were the years spent with his dad Bobby Bonds and his godftaher the great Willie Mays in a stream of HGH fueled injections.

Now, every person in the world with ambitions or a pulse should know what this feels like. You bust ur ass in school, and the rich kid gets by because his parents bought a wing for the school. The kid who eats paste is getting As because he cleverly hid cheat sheets up his sleeves. You max out in the gym and the kid who was smaller than ur little brother is now 30 pounds heavier of pure muscle and speed and there is nothing you can do to catch up. So someone asks you, " do you want to level the playing field? all you need to do is take this "safe/semi-legal/well known supplement" and you are in! If they are getting where they are with their busted ass talent, imagine where you will be!" Fuck all of you who just said u wouldnt do it because you dont believe in "cheating". Just like i am sure u all claim all ur money on ur taxes. You guys I am sure turn in every dollar u have found, and never tell a lie to get you out of trouble. Hell, you old assholes calling for Barry's head are popping Viagra like tick tacks before a hot date.

Well you know what...Barry admitted to taking Steriods. I droned on for fun there, but to cut to the chase, he started off by admitting he took sterioids, he is just claiming he didnt know it at the time. Hell who would really ask or care? The prosecution is now parading people in the court room who hate Barry and who only can testify that the trainer who hooked Barry Bonds up hooked them up. We all know he hooked them up, but they are parading them in there so the jury can say.." did take steroids!!!", which they already know. As for the ex-girlfriend, and ex-business partner, and ex-friend who cared about him so much he began recording conversations with him, well, how fair is that? Would you find it fair if you had to go to court for a crime, and the only witnesses the prosecution could produce are ur ex-gf/wife, ex-friend who was a shady bastard, and dude who wanted u to loan him money all the time? Hell I cant my ex wife to say one nice god damn thing about me as I write her a check every month. I cant even IMAGINE if the FEDS asked her to come testify against me. This is what passes for a trial nowadays!

in short...he took steroids. He admitted to taking them. He was HOF player before he took them. You're an idiot if you're looking for justice because you hate Barry, especially with AROD running around and announcers are still tallying up his homers like he is more deserving of the records and our hearts. Now Roger Clemens...I CANT WAIT FOR THAT.


Young Americanized Muslims positively affecting change in the Middle EAST

I asked Jokey for a topic and this is what he gives me. So i immediately accept the challenge and begin my research. I delve into the issues. How religion, land ownership, and god entitlement have torn this land asunder and reigned in every person born and yet to be born into a war very few understand. I even put down my interweb and went to the library to pour over book after book, scroll after scroll to better identify why even in today's "enlightened" times, these issues continue to ravage the very fabric of humanity in the middle east. How young people who have grown up here in the melting pot of America will be better able to serve those who are too blinded by a feud to care.

You know after hours of reading, weeks of talking to war torn people i came to a realization....


You just cant. Young Americanized muslims? Please...they wouldnt even make a dent to a man or woman who has been fighting for years for an ideal that is not really even theirs. The best we can hope for is that all our commercials and movies where we highly portray Muslims helps them find their way! Oh shit...wait...

So, thank you for reading, but honestly, like in many cases, you cant bring light to closed minded fool. Until you are willing to accept change, change will not come to you. It will instead take over your shit, your family and transform the world around you making you a relic to be ogled at in a great museum, most likely in England.



Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Undeveloped Ideas

Here are a few things I'd like to elaborate into a full on blog, but can't--so I'll just combine them to make this entry.

1. Let me be the 4,003,235,677th person to say it--social networking has ruined humanity. Facebook allows us to get away with not having to keep in touch with each other. We simply check our news feed, like some shit and suddenly we remain friends. On the flip side, if we don't check in with comment on your life, we're suddenly not friends. I'm sorry--I've been kind of busy with my own life. The larger problem is that we're expected to be nosey now thanks to social networking, and people are way too voyeuristic. Makes me want to puke.

2. I realize this could lead to me being ostracized at best, murdered at worst, but ladies (especially Black women) you're not owed anything. You don't deserve X anymore than we deserve Y. At best you deserve respect--beyond that, relax. And since I don't want to repeat myself, read here for why I feel this way.

3. I'm beginning to understand why older people tend to be republicans. Working for the government doesn't help either. The older I get the more I don't believe in government propping up anything. The safety net (i.e. unemployment insurance) is an awesome idea (and technically it's not fully funded by the government--employers pay in in order to help people they can no longer employ). But everything else? Wards of the state get free money until their 21. What does that teach them? That they can always live off the government. So as adults, they work their hardest to try and figure out ways to continue to get that free money. We give aid to families with dependent children--but there's no accountability for how the aid is used. Mostly because we feel the government shouldn't tell people how to raise their children, but our population is getting dumber and dumber (and more selfish but that's an entry of its own) so how can we trust dumb people to make good decisions for their children? You know why Social Security is so messed up? Not because we're about to have a whole generation of people collecting it. Its because there's a whole generation of people collecting that haven't put into it.

Imagine government entitlements (medicare, medicaid, social security) were weed. Let's say you have 9 friends you invite over for a smoke out. All 10 of you put in on this weed. Unfortunately, the other 9 people bring 2 other people with them. These 18 people didn't put in--but still wanna smoke. Or perhaps they NEED to smoke for medicinal purposes. Damn right you're gonna run out quick--you've got 28 people trying to smoke 10 people's worth of weed!

And it's not just individuals. A good portion of our Illinois state budget is funded by the feds. A good portion of various city agency budgets are funded by the state. And the feds get their money from those that work (but not employ) paying income taxes. (Employers have to pay taxes on employees, but get the money back as deductions. Yes your employer claims you as a tax deduction every year to minimize their tax liability). In short, it's all fucked up. People that are actual Republicans (not the right wing blow hards worried about gay marriage calling themselves Republicans) understand and believe this. Meanwhile we're trying to solve the rest of the worlds problems...

The meanest, the prettiest, the baddest mo-fo low-down in this town

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Angelina Jolie is the winner

Jennifer Aniston said when explaining why she spent her 41st birthday at a palatial resort in Mexico.
“A friend said to me, ’You come to Mexico all the time and Mexico is really hurting right now because of the swine flu and the drug trafficking and all of this sort of stuff.”
“It sort of made sense to sort of say ‘Hey, let’s help out Mexico’”

Today, CNN is reporting that Angelina Jolie traveled to the Tunisian-Libyan border, where she spoke with refugees who had recently fled the fighting in Libya.

The purpose of Jolie’s visit to the embattled region: to highlight the need for greater international support for those affected by the crisis in Libya.  The Jolie-Pitt Foundation, established by Jolie and longtime love Brad Pitt in 2006, covered the costs for a flight of 177 people to return to their countries of origin– and purchased an ambulance to help support Tunisian efforts on the border to assist the injured arriving from Libya.  Apparently, the Foundation is more than just a tax write-off

Some fat women who wil never be hot still hate Angelina because she “stole” Pitt from Aniston, and never consider that maybe Aniston is just an annoying cunt and he left her for someone who is better in every way. But hey, at least Anniston is over Pitt right?  Aniston has moved on to becoming a blockbuster female movie star right?  Its not like every single movie Aniston does is about love/getting/dumped/finding love again right?
Imagine Aniston in the movie Tomb Raider, Salt, or even Mr and Mrs Smith.  Well, it would be funny to imagine Aniston fussing and brisung her hair out of her eyes as the scene demanded athletic movements and whatnot,  It could actualy work in a Mr. Bean as a secret James Bond type  kind of way.  But inevitably, the movie would have a sappy love sub-polt, and it would suck.  I know, I know Mr. and Mrs Smith has a love subplot too, but it did not get in the way of the movie.  Aniston would have furrowed her brow in a vain attempt to show heartbreak for 40 mins, and its funny because her whole freakin life is heartbreak.  She shoule be teaching this course at MIT or something.  Bottom line, Aniston is known for the "Rachel Hairdo."  Jolie is known for being hot as fuck.  OUCH.  JOLIE WINS, FLAWLESS VICTORY!

Monday, April 4, 2011

Things I don't get: Jeremy Renner

Two years ago most people had no idea who Jeremy Renner was. Two Academy Award nominations later and he’s starring alongside Tom Cruise in Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol (then is will take over the franchise and star in MI:5), in The Avengers as Hawkeye (which could get it’s own spinoff movie), and now the always great Latino Review says he is the choice to take over for Matt Damon in the new Jason Bourne movies that are not actually Jason Bourne movies.

…the offer to topline “The Bourne Legacy” is about go out to Jeremy Renner.

The new movie will simply take the title from author Robert Ludlum’s book, but will not use the story. Gilroy has also made it very clear that the new film is not a reboot or a recast or a prequel, and that no one’s replacing Matt Damon. There will be a whole new hero, a whole new chapter and that this film is a stand-alone project.

It’s interesting that Renner is getting all these leads in action movies considering the rumors about him being gay. A former acting coach of his said it never used to be a secret, and taking his mom as his date to the Academy Awards (two years in a row) hasn’t helped.   You can make all the gay jokes you want here.  For me, the issue is that he sucks as an actor.  The Hurt Locker won critical acclaim, because it was directed by a woman.  It won acclaim for being anti-war at a time where liberals were opposed to war.  it won acclaim for being a realistic rendition of what our soldiers go through, even though it focused on alcoholism, adrenaline junkies, and shady ass Muslims. 

This guy is like the Gay Shia Lebouff.  Shia is usually brought in to ruin franchises, like Indiana Jones, and Transformers.  I also get that Hollywood is all about getting young actors in to replace older ones.  Given the choice to reboot a franchise A la' Batman, or Spider man, I will take my chances with all new actors.  I mean, i feel bad for Hollywood.  If this is the only white guy they can get when Shia Lebouff is busy butchering a franchise, what else can you do?  ARE THERE NO MORE WHITE ACTORS IN HOLLYWOOD?  Marky Mark works out and trains as a boxer for 4 years to make "THE FIGHTER,"  and he is the only one NOT TO GET nominated from his own damn movie.  If there is one segment of society that is under-represented in Hollywood, its the white man. 

As denzel gets older, and Morgan freeman gets EVEN MORE OLD, who will get the Hollywood black roles?  WILL SMITH?   No, Scientology will fuck up his career.  TRACY MORGAN?  No, he is only funny in short bursts, like the way they use him on 30 Rock.    Curtis "50 Cent" Jackson?  hell nah, he looks like an autistic giant freak.  Hispanics have known what its like to have 2 or 3 people represent your whole race on TV and in movies.  Think of a Hispanic actor who does not have a fucked up face, and is not known for playing thugs?  That right there crosses off like 99% of all Hispanic Hollywood (Gael Garcia Bernal and Diego Luna notwithstanding).  SO to Hollywood, please find more white actors.  While you're at it, come up with some interesting ideas and leave my Saturday morning cartoons alone.