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HAPPY BDAY to Bella Baggins (7/6) and the BIGS (7/13)

Friday, January 22, 2010

I need to calm down

I am in a better place now, and have calmed doen from my anger over Lebron James, and the shameless acolytes that follow him around (FAGMAEL). I have decided to not let it ruin my weekend, Towith, I have Come up with a challenge. I want you all to submit, for the Blog's approval, your list of the 5 WORST SONGS ON YOUR IPOD. Send in a list with the songs you would be embarrased to have come up in a shuffle mix if your IPOD were connected to a sound system. Send in the list that would make people go :What the fuck?" Send in the list of songs that would cause me to seek you out and talk shit to you in a loud and belligerent manner. Winner will have their list played at Rolando's birthday party 1/30/10 by me, in a loud and belligerent manner. I am Expecting Dominic the Donkey from Isa, and probably Who Let the Dogs Out from Fagmael. Attach your list as a comment below and GOOD LUCK.

Jokey Jokemaker
king of belligerence

Thursday, January 21, 2010

why I hate Lebron James

This blog post is for fagmael.

I hate Lebron James. I amy be the only one, but I hate him. He is a selfish, childish, spoiled brat. I hope he never wins a NBA championship title. I hope he goes out like Karl Malone, Patrick Ewing, and Charles Barkley. I hate Lebron James, because he is ruining the game of Basketball.

Lebron James is talented and gifted, but never has someone done LESS with such talent. I see you Stephon Marbury, but I said TALENTED not above AVERAGE. than good.I know it is hard to be talented and young, BELIEVE ME I know. For everything good he does, he offsets it with stupid, selfish moves. Case in point, His first year in the league, he misses the playoffs. He is spotted at Denver Nugget games supporting Carmelo Anthony. When asked why he was there, he spouted some ignorant shit like, I am glad Melo made it to the playoffs so he can showcase his skills. This makes Lebron look ignorant. This came on the heels of a great rookie season. There has been a 2 year debate over wether or not Lebron will participate in the slam dunk contest. Who gives a shit? The Dunk COntest has sucked for years, with the 10 foot tall Dwight Howard being a fiece dunker. YOU THINK? HE IS FUCKING 10 FEET TALL! ALL HE HAS TO DO IS NOT DROP THE BALL TO COMPETE! I remember when the STARS felt they had to compete in the Dunk Contest BECAUSE IT WAS FUN! JORDAN Vs. WILKINS? Lebron is too good for the dunk contest? fuck him, its not like he is doing calculus or physics, he is jumping and running man. GET OVER YOURSELF AND COMPETE FUCKER. Another case in point, is the endless debate over wether or not he will leave Cleveland for New York. I hope he does, because it will be confirming everything I believe.

James in New York will enable him to get maximum exposure for himself, and become more marketable. Never mind that Cleveland basically gutted their whole fucking team to create one tailored to LeBron. He will go to New York, and be the star of another shitty team for a few years. I am sure that James's dancing and mean-mugging, and acting like a brat when he gets eliminated will go over well in NYC. I mean, New York is the capital of flash with no substance. Yeah you got the JETS and the YANKEES, but you also have the shitty mets, giants, and bills. In any given year, ONE of those fucking teams has got to be decent. The endless NIKE commercials with Lebron and Kobe as puppets are sickening too, but at least Kobe has won a title. Lebron, your shoes are ugly, them shits is Real ugly, you nned to get some chuckers FUCKER!

In conclusion, the dancing, pouting, antics, and lack of rings means he sucks, beacause as Joakim Noah SO elequently put it, its all about the rings and the W's. Sorry Fagmael for shitting on your golden statue of "King James," but he is a trick-ass, mark-ass, bitch-ass trick.

The Handsome Right Hander

Friday, January 15, 2010

Resolution is not just for TV's

A new year is here and it's once again time to start down the path of self-improvement. But why is that? We all know other people are the problem. Why, then, do we always resolve to improve ourselves? It is my duty, as someone who isn't a dick or a retard, to stay the course. So instead of mislabeling a bunch of harmless character traits as "flaws" so I can delude myself into thinking I'm becoming a better person, I'm going to present the rest of you assholes with YOUR resolutions. Now get to resolving, biz-natch.

You resolve to... have gay sex. Not to better understand homosexuals or any of that gay shit, but to realize specific sexuality is a sham. If you can overcome centuries of social programming and pop one off in your gender's mouth, you may realize what every leg-humping dog or 12-year-old who gets an erection from a light breeze already knows: pretty much anything can get you your nut.

You resolve to... change religions. I'm not saying abandon religion, just change teams. Christian to Muslim, Jew to Canadian, whatever. You'll be amazed how little your life changes. The same ratio of answered prayers, the same wasted weekends, the same baseless sense of superiority. In fact, the only notable change will be the color of the facial hair on the invisible man you talk to.

You resolve to... give up hypocrisy. Whether it's religious, political, social or cultural, do nothing you would judge others for. You'll be shocked how quickly you realize you're completely full of shit. And that'll get you one step closer to where you need to be: without beliefs or standards of any kind.

You resolve to... gain as much weight as possible. I know this flies in the face of the standard "lose weight" resolution, but it is my hope that the material we extract from the earth for our extra food combined with added gravitational force from our fat asses will finally cause the planet to implode and put an end to this sporadically amusing little play.

You resolve to... be apolitical. We get it: if we'd just listen to an alcoholic with a junior high education or a stoner with a stoner's education all this shit would be fixed. Well your R's and D's won't listen, so jump ship already, you damn redneck and/or hippie. You Libertarians and "Independents" are no better. Only by abandoning all interest in this bullshit can you truly get what you want politically.

You resolve to... join the military. We already can't afford what we spend on defense, so fuck it, let Uncle Sam employ all of us. Yeah, living in the Middle East will suck, but it's not like it's worse than manning a cubicle or deep fryer 50 hours a week. As for the dying... what do we lose, like, a dozen guys out of a couple hundred thousand every week? Shit man, we lose twice that many people to Walmart tramplings and Hostess-related overdoses every day.

You resolve to... use your cell phone only when needed. For many of you this may eliminate all cell phone use - Hooray! Now, I know five seconds of uninterrupted thought can be scary, but hang in there and I think you'll find it quite useful. Introspection can be the greatest teacher you have if you just take a moment to exercise it. It's no "lol" or video of a cat doing a human activity, but I like it.

You resolve to... hate a race other than black people. Many folks foolishly declared that Obama's election spelled the end of racism. Wrong. It merely spelled the end of racism towards one race. You can still go hate-crazy on Hispanics, Asians, hell, even whitey. Take a look at modern man and you realize it's all six of one/ half dozen the other. As long as you're making yourself unhappy for no reason, that's all that matters.

You resolve to... get an abortion. Just to try it on for size. The anti-abortion crowd would ease up on their vehement opposition if they'd just take the plunge. It's like going to that Pakistani restaurant. Everything about it says you'll hate it, but then you give it a chance and it's like "Hey, this isn't half bad."

-Your Friendly Neighborhood RoboJesus

Monday, January 11, 2010

Things I think I think.

This life is nothing compared to what comes next.

I type that statement and it fills me with great wonder and sadness all at once. I always wondered if the life we lead now, will eventually be a speck compared to what lies in store for eternity. Will our lives eventually be just a quick memory in the grand scheme of things? Is one lifetime enough to do enough good in the world? Will we ever know the answers to life's difficult questions? Has humanity reached the peak of all that is possible in terms of knowledge and progress? Will Coke ever make a cherry vanilla coke?

I sure hope so


Tuesday, January 5, 2010 earned it...IX

I just dont know what more to say about this video. Please just enjoy the 80s inspired passion and truly wise parable! As always, and especially since this is a new decade...raise a glass of the bubbly're good people...and you deserve it!


I write to you, dear friends, from Costa Rica. I can’t help it, I really like it here and have taken another December trip out of the Chicago cold. I am thinking of the Dominican Republic next year, but this newsletter isn’t about next year. This is a recap of the year… 2 0 0 9 (imagine reverb here).

I started the year off with a bang. I was taking Aikido classes at Daley College, and was doing pretty well if I do say so myself. Then, came the day when we were learning how not to hit our heads while falling. I was unsure if I was doing it correctly, but upon landing on my head all doubt was removed. The pain was intense, but I did not get a diagnosis until I went to my doctor…after a minor car accident a few days later. The small concussion from the fall coupled with the tension headache from the accident caused my brain to swell. With such an auspicious beginning, I knew 2009 would be full of pleasant little surprises.

February brought a great opportunity for me. I got my little piece of the historical pie when I worked the election at the Melrose Park site. It was a very long day, and there was a lot of fuss with election lawyers, voters who couldn’t prove they registered, equipment breaking down, and pregnant women coming in to vote while in labor! However, at the end of the day when votes were tallied, I was proud to have any part in the process.

The spring time was sprinkled with goodies including my birthday celebration, Flight of the Conchords with Gabriel, This American Life at the Chicago Theatre with Erik, a road trip to Michigan with my book club Spanglish, and the possibility of a new house in Evergreen Park.

Things seemed to be going well, but turned very serious with the unexpected death of my uncle, Gero. He was a great person who did not deserve any of the pain he endured in life, and his death in midsummer really shook up the family. I have never had death so close before, and would like to thank everyone for their support and concern during that difficult time. As strange as it was then, and now feels in writing it out, one has to continue with life. Once we established my mother was stable, that is what we did.

I took some time off of work, and took a road trip with Sam to Niagara Falls. It is a beautiful drive, and there’s lots of stuff those crazy Canadians set up over there so I recommend the location for a mid-budget trip. Soon after coming back and bailing on the closing for my house, I decided I needed an apartment in the city. I acted within my rights on the closing and attorneys, etc., and knew that the commitment of a house was not what I wanted or needed. I found a lovely Bangladeshi couple living in Hyde Park looking for someone to take over their lease in the fall. Long story short, I’m in that apartment now and invite everyone to come over and envy my view of the lake.

This year I could wait no longer…I applied to the linguistics graduate program at Northeastern University. I started off slowly with one class, but am happy to report I got an A and will take 2 classes next semester! I’ve already created linguistic profiles on all of you, so just see me to discuss them (kidding!). I’d like to give a shout-out to my informant who supplied most of the content for my 30 page paper on Nuyoricans.

The end of the year was also full of fantastic indulgences. I attended my first pampering sort of event at the Drake Hotel which included martinis, manicures, massages, and make-up. I was also following the Bears’ season and was rewarded for my unwavering support with a big screen television. You are welcome to envy that along with my lake view when you come over. Also, meeting Josefina Lopez at CSU’s Book Fair was truly inspirational. If it wasn’t fabulous enough to be in Costa Rica for a week, I got to see the Broadway production of Cats in a big gymnasium there with good friends. Gracias, Amy!

When I first sat down to write this, I was afraid content level would be low but it seems I did lots more than I thought. Allow me to highlight some points of interest:

* Letters to Larry Fitzgerald, Jr. of the Arizona Cardinals=4, letters answered=0

*Romantic successes/dating mishaps will remain undisclosed, but rest assured they were fun!

*I watched a total of 80 movies (thank you, Netflix)

*I read 17 books, thanks in part to the book club and living close to Borders now

*I fell at work during the summer and couldn’t wear pants for a week

*I attended my first Chicago Bulls game in March

*I became a member of The Art Institute

*I had a really good time New Year’s Eve

New things I tried:

Colonic Hydro Cleansing: 30 gallons of water pumped through your colon :/

Falafels: I shared one with Amy at a middle eastern restaurant in San Jose and it was delicioso!

Henna Tattoo: I really like the way it turned out

Pumpkin Carving: I’m pretty good

Fat Burger Burgers: I’m a member of the Fat Club & get double points on Tuesdays

Making Quiches: I’m not so good

Ethiopian Food: who knew?!

This year was really good for me. The move to the apartment gave me the time and space I needed to be creative and most importantly to take a good look at myself. It turns out, I like myself and what I’m doing. I do not know what 2010 will hold for me, but I know it will be fun. Please see attached photos.