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HAPPY BDAY to Bella Baggins (7/6) and the BIGS (7/13)

Friday, June 24, 2011

entry #3

"C'mon Bron, you know your mom likes to drink and screw, Is it a surprise I am your daddy?"

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

entry #2

"I have herpes, and I think you should get tested too."

caption contest time

Get voted best caption, and the blog's manager, Ismael Julio Lopez will give you 20 bucks.  Picture below:

here is mine "Wait Dwayne, there IS NO santa claus?"

Things I think I think Vol 4

After a recent family reunion, I was told that my family will be reading this blog.  I have decided to post a 4th volume of ruminations that keep me thinking.  I hope you enjoy.

1)  I have attached a pic of the rarely seen, black female cub fan.  She must be the wife of a player, or Dominican.  Do the cubs even have black players anymore?  They are becoming the Indiana Pacers of Baseball.

2)  BP recently had an injunction filed against it to stop blaming the company who received the contract to build those faulty oil wells.  How can there be a law preventing what is right?  If there were any congress people with guts or not in the oil companies pockets, the right punishment would be to have the CEO of the company drink water from that body of water until it got cleaned up.  If i find out the name and address of that person, I will post it here and pay people 100.00 a tooth.

3)  Cameras have been installed at Archer and Halsted about 4-5 miles from the scene of flash mob violence.  The cameras were installed to prevent flash mob violence.  Me thinks a shady ass congressman took advantage of ignorant politicians and got cameras installed in his district.  I wish that person was MY congressperson.  I also bet the lakefront beaches districts where flash mob violence happens wishes it too

4)  One of the JACKASS guys got drunk and crashed his Porsche into a tree.  He had a passenger and the bodies were so chared from flames, the bodies had to be identified with dental records.  TOUGH BREAK GUY!

5)  Roger Ebert tried to be funny by tweeting, "Friends dont let jackasses drive drunk."  I am glad he used twitter to communicate, because Cancer took his jaw.  Had he spoken, it would have just been his chin wagging wildly and him making hissing sounds.  Maybe Ebert was jealous that the jackass guy who died had dental records. 

6) Amy Winehouse started her tour yesterday.  She got booed off the stage after a song, and left.  This morning, she cancelled the rest of her tour. 

7)  Breaking news, I will be at the lady gaga, Britney spears, and Rascal Flatts concerts, booing loudly

8) Fat women have been getting more vocal about plus-sized model fashion shows.  I am all in favor of fat women wearing more clothes. 

9)  Be careful when you go to The MID club, and order a strong drink.

10)  Next year, the Miami Heat's playbook should have one page.  Any of the 2 or 3 stars on that team (Wade, James, or James Jones) should be able to hold the ball and call PLAY 1.  The curve illustrates either a spin move, or a flop in an attempt to draw a foul.

Jokey Jokemaker
Idiot Savant

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Great moments in hook-up history

This one comes from a student of mine

It's the beginning of my freshman year in college. I'm leaving an on-campus party. Meet Girl, walk Girl back to dorm, and immediately start making-out. Girl has a tongue ring. Because it had been really easy and natural to this point, and because there is a reason girls get tongue rings, I figured fooling around was a given. I suggest heading to her room, but she declines, and we just exchange numbers. No real loss - I'm willing to wait (especially for the tongue ring).

Two days later, we meet up in the student section at our football game. We'd both been drinking all day and soon began sloppily sucking face in front of 60,000 or so of our closest friends. The game ends, and we decide to "watch a movie" in my room immediately thereafter, as soon as she can get back to her dorm and change clothes. I make it back, she calls about twenty minutes later, and I sneak her up (my school apparently didn't want anyone to get laid and had strict after-hours dorm policies). I get her in the room without issue. The hard part's over. So far, so good.

As soon as she gets inside, we start going at it... like the scene from Fatal Attraction before Glenn Close starts boiling rabbits. We're knocking stuff off tables, tearing at clothes, groping and kissing our way over to the bed. At this point, I'm only in my underwear and she's topless (great rack), wearing only her jeans. Once we get to the bed, I throw her down and start kissing her neck, breasts, and stomach, eventually making it to her jeans. As I begin trying to undo the button, though, she stops me and pulls me back up to kiss her. I oblige momentarily, but then get right back to the jeans. She stops me again, we kiss, repeat. Needless to say, I'm getting pretty fucking frustrated.

"I have something I need to tell you."

I'm utterly oblivious. Despite her comment, I continue trying to smoothly remove her pants. At this point I'm too drunk and horny to want to talk about anything, and nothing short of her telling me she has a big, swinging dick holstered down there is going to shake my determination. She's resilient, though, and I am stopped once more... this time with authority. I'm thoroughly confused and exasperated.

"What is it?" I finally ask.

(long and uncomfortable pause)

"I was raped."

(incredibly awkward beat of silence)




The moment it came out of my mouth, I regretted it, but the damage was done. I tried to play it off by saying something about a milf-ish neighbor at home and a porn scene, but she wasn't buying it. As you can probably imagine, she got her shit and lit out of there pretty quickly. We never spoke again.

Thursday, June 9, 2011

SPORTS with iz3y!

The handsome righthander is off today.  He is serving a 90 day sentence for bashing SportsCenter.  Like literally going to Bristol, CT to bash SC!  On to sports....

LeBron is a freak athlete and easily the most physically gifted and talented player of this generation and up there with the all time freaks (deion, stilt, etc) but he is not the best.  He does not consistently bring his A game and does get lost.  To be the best you have to know what u need to do to make ur team win and fill in those gaps.  People keep asking why he cant, and it is easy...HE CANT!  He is scottie pippen with much more athletic talent.  So there it is...PIPPEN 2.0....

The white Sox are coming back slowly but need Dunn to wake up.  Also, can someone please tell the Puerto Rican Miss Universe that Rios needs some ass.  He is taller, richer, and better looking that JJ Barea and he is PUERTO RICAN.  If her sex can make JJ play like he does now, what can she do for RIOS?

The CUBS: WHO CARES!!!  Now that they are not under the Tribune umbrella (hype Machine) people are seeing them for who they are...SHIT!

Football: call me when you have an agreement.  Until then i dont want to hear shit from you.

Hockey...need to watch more because it is good. Violent, fast, and perfect for people with ADHD!


Wednesday, June 8, 2011

The United Kingdom of America? Has a nice ring to it...

A while back I suggested that monarchies perhaps weren't such a bad idea. Some said "how retarded. Why would we want to vest so much power in one person? Who would select the king? What would stop them from becoming a tyrant?" Well I say why not? America is already the worlds most imperialistic nation. So without further adieu, I present to you my blueprint for monarchy in America.

I figure we have two options: Enlightened absolutism, or a Constitutional Monarchy. Since Constitutional Monarchies are already somewhat popular (for those that retain monarchs) let's go with Enlightened absolutism for the moment.

Enlightened absolutism is a form of monarchy that retains power in a single office, but the source of that power is that the individual has a social contract with the people to protect them. Free speech, the right to own property and many other "freedoms" we enjoy currently are all part of that contract. Whatever is in the best interest of the people in order for the kingdom to prosper is what would be the source of power for the monarch. Freedom of speech, religion, rights to privacy--all swell so long as it doesn't threaten the kingdom, or the monarch's majesty. As soon as they break that social contract--the economy collapses for example--then the monarch is ousted, and their line of succession broken.

Choosing the monarch may yet be difficult but hopefully made easier by the following criteria:

- be a natural born citizen of the United States
- be a descendant of a former U.S. President
- have a post-graduate education, preferably a law degree
- have no criminal history
- be at least 35 years of age

So, if any of George Washington's relatives are still alive, have no criminal background, have a post-grad degree and are over 35 they get first crack. No one there, we move on to Adams, Jefferson, and so forth.

States and representatives would be abolished, and the various territories with their various interests (now called states) would be turned into commonwealths, with each one headed by a regent chosen by the monarch using similar (if not the same)criteria. Each regent/monarch would be succeeded by its own issue/heirs unless for some reason the social contract with the kingdom is proven broken.

The Supreme Courts (one for the kingdom, several for each commonwealth) would remain to determine if the monarchs and regents are keeping their social contract. The people would be allowed to bring suit in court against the crown and its regents in an effort to prove the crown has failed the people.

There's a reason no country does this you say--it doesn't work. I say holla at me if Sarah Palin becomes the next president of the United States.


His majesty in waiting,


Who still watches Sportscenter?  I now am limited to the last 20 mins of that show, and am thankful that they have a menu on the left hand side.  In this fashion, I am able to determine when i can tune back in to the show.  The first 20 are dedicated to LeBron James and Dwayne Wade highlights.  I saw a minute or two of it, and i could have sworn that the Heat won yesterday the way they had these guys dunking and flying around the court. I Had to tune in to Fox News to learn they lost.  Then after that, its about 20 mins of Boston Vs. New York baseball highlights.  It is mostly unwatchable, and since Boston sucks real bad, its brutal to watch them try to hype up the Red Sox.   I usually get 20 seconds of White Sox info in passing, and then have to tune out as we get news of the NFL lockout for 5-10 mins.  Its almost like a one hour show with a minute of watchable content.  ESPN had finally gone the way of Network television.  I am at least thankful that the menu lets me figure out when to tune out and when to tune back in.  In retrospect, ESPN either knows its garbage, or is clueless why their ratings are down.

Monday, June 6, 2011

EVEN MORE things I don't get


yeah, Maybe if the decade in question were the 90's!


Thursday, June 2, 2011

More things I don't get..........Eva Longoria

Hello people,

I am constantly amazed by how many people think she is hot.  People love her, but her husband leaves her?  There must be some type of case for why people think she is hot.
Lets make the case for her being average-above average, but far from hot.

1)  she is 5'4
2)  no curves
3) She is 38-39
4)  no other fame other than being the diversity wife on Desperate Housewives
5)  average face

I assume that people like her much in the same way people like Jennifer Lopez.  Mildly attractive, people assume she is curvier than your standard white women, you assume she can cook, you assume she looks freshly styled and just arrived from make-up.  As you can see from the pic above, Eva Longoria, in her natural state, is average at best.  Aside from her visit to David Letterman wearing shorts and a blazer, she has not been heard from since.  She had to show him her tiny breasts just to get him to look up from his notecards.  She must be very dull or have bad breath or something.  If I was Tony Parker, French-speaking, athletic, rich, basketball player, I would have tapped for  week or two, and moved on right quick.  My question to the world is, if women like Eva Longoria, Jennifer Aniston, and Chelsea Handler are so great, why are they single?

Wednesday, June 1, 2011


Lyrics | Trey Parker - America, Fuck Yeah lyrics

Thats me dressed as the pimped out Dr.Funky von Doom.  

There is Hope........

Japan has vending machines that sell used girls panties.  USA WINS AGAIN.  AMERICA, F YEAH!

Jokey Jokemaker

Is it just me???????

The SAT's now have an essay question dealing with reality tv shows.  I give up Japan, you win.

Jokey Jokemaker