Shout OUT!

HAPPY BDAY to Bella Baggins (7/6) and the BIGS (7/13)

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

31...1 more notch on my life's bed post

the last 30 have meant a lot
the ups and downs...the ins and outs...
the grind even! but enough about sex
it takes millions of years to make a diamond, but only 31 for me to reach my zenith...and now armed with experience i know enough to know i dont know enough
i look forward to the rest of my journey
to adding wrinkles to my face that will each tell their own unique story
to adding scars to my body that teach me a different lesson
i look forward to enjoying the people i know
and meeting those i have not had the honor of bonding with and selling them on the idea that we are all love
i look forward to teaching my son the same lesson i was taught by my dad:
'it is not the how old u are, but how old u feel u r in ur heart'
lastly, i look forward to being uniting all the aspects of my life and finally having them band be being me
so thank you...PEACE LOVE AND SOUL!!

ismael J

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Interview: I got two words for that...OM-AR!

Conducted over Several Days December 2008

There are some assignments that when you get them, you head straight to a bar and grab the ting tong tiddliest drink they have. This is one of those moments where moments pass slowly, and the ticks on the clock seem to take longer than normal. Still, I have a duty to my fellow man, and that is to get the tough interviews. My job is to go where no man dare go, and give u a glimpse inside the minds of the special. We have had the Air Marshall who didn’t like to fly. I have given u insight into a truly unique personality from Colombia. You were with me when I walked into the den of iniquity known as the Casa de Schweez. Today though I go further down the rabbit hole to interview a man who represents the essence of enigma. A human being who stretches the mere definition of that word.

Today ladies and Gentleman, I give you Omar Juarez, philanthropist, dictator of his realm, and humanitarian.

NAME: Omar Juarez
Nicknames: O, JokeyJokeMaker, Rafael De La Ghetto, the Handsome RightHander, FOmar
Born: February 21, 1977, Planet unknown
HomeTown: JOKEY WORLD (physically: Chicago)
Occupation: Unknown…

Me: So, I see you have a throne…
O: FUCK U…u hear me…FUCK U!
ME: I didn’t even get my question out.
O: Oh…something about my throne…ask me about my Shoes.
ME: Why would I ask u about ur shoes?
O: So my throne was hand made by the elves of the enchanted Forrest.
ME: Fuck are you talking about. Your throne looks like u slapped it together with three nails and a hammer
O: Between us, 4 nails and a pair of pliers!
ME: What the hell is wrong with you?
O: [Begins Barking!]
ME: Dear God…this is going to be special!
O: I got two words for that…NI-CE!

Me: You always like this? I mean since I have been here you have called me 30 different slurs for homosexuals and at least 10 that derogatory to lab monkeys.
O: Ok…for real…no. Honestly, my soul dies each time I insult a mindless butt pirate lab monkey like u!
ME: Damn!
O: Yeah…it is like breathing for me. I once sneezed and crushed this Girl’s hopes and dreams.
ME: By sneezing?
O: Yeah…and I called her a mindless whore who sucks cock to fill the gaping hole her step dad left in her soul and ass.
ME: HAHAHAHA…sorry..that was legitimately funny.
O: I know…but u know what…it is all about the work I put into this. I research. I even got a Master’s degree on accident from all the books I read learning new ways to insult people and make them laugh and then insult them again.
ME: That is commendable. Your kinda like a modern day George Carlin, without the pony tail….wait…are you growing one?
O: Uhhh…no…not at all. [fumbles around looking for clippers] As I was saying…when I am on the streets, where I grew up, I am on. FULLY SWITCHED ON BABY!. BOW DOWN BEFORE YOUR MASTER….
ME: Do you literally have to stand on the table for that?

ME: So give me ur views on life?
ME: So ur motto also doubles for sexual innuendo
ME: You’re not even trying anymore…hey ur daughter just walked.
O: [in an epic Jekyll-Hydean transformation]…and furthermore, if I could better my fellow man that would be great.
ME: Fuck was that? Ur Girl walked in and u sounded like u actually went to school.
O: Huh? What…I blacked out…I think she neutralizes my power.
ME: You’re a punk ass bitch!
O: Owww…no need to say that…that was mean and inconsiderate….furthermore…
ME:…Holy shit she does. Ur normal now…Bells makes u normal.. “DICK!…your mother!… ur an ugly man!”
O: [breaking into tears] Please…my soul…stop [then horror strikes…Bells leaves the room..she was wearing headphones so no permanent damage] Bitch huh…in front of Bells… it my fault ur dick finds it way into….
ME: WHOA…I think she is coming back!
O: As I was saying earlier…Life is about racking, working, and banging the box. Write that down.

ME: So you’re a REPUBLICAN
O: YES…NO..I am in Independent now. IF I am going to make my money I don’t want the Government in my business! STAY OUT OF MY LIFE UNCLE SAM!!!
ME: Didn’t u apply for all kinds of Fed Aid
O: Yeah, but see that is my tax dollars at work! I Am not mooching off welfare or draining our economy like those immigrants who illegally cross the Border…REPUBLICAN BABY!
Me: dude…your fam came over illegally.
O: Fuck them too…should be deported…calling INS now…Fucking drain on our economy!
ME: Didn’t we have a surplus under Clinton…
O: Oh there u go again, you bleeding heart liberal. Spouting off facts and messages of hope…great!
ME: Why do you have government cheese in ur fridge?
O: NEXT TOPIC! FUCK YOU…FUCK YOU! [Barking commences again]

ME: You started a Blog with your friends…
ME: Fuck does that have to do with your blog? I was going to say, you are quite entertaining…where do the topics come from?
ME: Why in Lord’s name are you shouting…
O: Huh? What…who…Damn…I get my topics from the old GRAPE…the MELON!!! They kinda just come out. Again, I do so much research so that I can make fun of people I just pick things up.
ME: it is just a by product…
O: U need a fucking diagram…yeah…Like when I read something like our Governor getting arrested or the Knicks Losing, first thing, I am going to make fun of Liberal Democrats for being anal whores bent on destroying my way of life. Then I am going to make fun of Johnner for sucking like the Knicks. Somewhere in the middle I am going to remember something I read in class one day, and just blog it out!
ME: Amazing!
O: What, my thought process?
ME: NO, the fact you have 200 Ninja Swords. What are your preparing for?
O: That is how I open my cans of soup. That one there is what I use to change the channel on my TV!


Saturday, December 6, 2008

Glen Davis lives up to nickname...

Okay, so I've been watching lots of basketball and enjoying most of it. I absolutely love watching the Celtics play. However, I haven't been a fan of the sport long enough to know whether it because they actually play like a team or if they're just better than almost everyone else. In any case, I was watching the lopsided win against Portland on friday when they showed Glen "Big Baby" Davis in a full blown tantrum that my 3 year old would be impressed with which can be seen here --->

Now, let's pause the story there and ask ourselves some questions. What could make a man that size cry like a *****? Did the Celtics lose? Hmm...nooo. They're up by 20. Was he given an unfair technical foul and ejected from the game? Nope. He's not even in the game and he's still on the bench. Not that I think any of these are valid reasons for a good cry, but man crying under these circumstances would not warrant further scrutiny.

Back to the story. My friends....Glen Davis was crying and cussing because KG "yelled" at him. Are you ****ing kidding me?!?! Really??? Apparently KG called an impromptu team meeting for the bench players because they pissed away a 20 point lead and Portland was only down by 8 at the time. KG reached out and grabbed Big Baby's arm due to the fact that he was standing 2 feet away looking uninterested. I could make the obvious comparisons but it would be a waste of my time and yours because its obvious. What I will say, however, is that I admire KG the more I see of him. Sure, he could have called Big Baby the beeyah he is, but he didn't. What KG did was to acknowledge Big Baby's frustration with his role and that he would sit down and talk to him. You GOTTA love that! I don't know if I would have had that kinda restraint! What the hell can Glen say to that? He acts an ass and KG keeps it movin and passes on the opportunity to call him on his foolishness. Coaches of young players in any sport should not only show film of their opponents but of KG on and off the court. They should study that cat and learn.

Friday, December 5, 2008

Songs of Songs Sake!

These are the songs that I am feeling today. I wanted to highlight them because in this era of top 40s, and DJ spins, we sometimes forget the gold of years past. Small list, and I invite u to add to it.

Stripped by Depeche Mode
Fantastic song, with some pretty deep lyrics. The idea of being ‘naked’ and having to be just u, and think and act on your own is pretty daunting. We all rely on people, but to have to step out and just be u and carry that weight can crush a person or forge them into something bigger…greater.

Let me see u stripped down the bone

Let me hear you
Make decisions
Without your television
Let me hear you speaking
Just for me

Let me see you
Stripped down to the bone
Let me hear you speaking
Just for me

Let me hear u crying just for me

Karma Police by Radiohead
Radiohead was kool when ColdPlay was still trying to figure out what cause to fight against. I am a Coldplay fan, but lets not forget who got us to think first. Songs like Fake Plastic Trees and Creep are just genius, but this one is like an anthem to those of us who want to quietly say, FUCK YOU! And have a nice day. Just quiet rage.

Karma police, I’ve given all I can, its not enough
I’ve given all I can, but were still on the payroll
This is what you get, this is what you get
This is what you get, when you mess with us
And for a minute there, I lost myself, I lost myself
And for a minute there, I lost myself, I lost myself

Bullet the Blue Sky by U2
This part of the song is just cold blooded. The music mellows, and Bono comes at u raw… ONE HUNDRED…TWO HUNDRED! …AND OUTSIDE IS AMERICA…AND OUTSIDE IS AMERICA!!! I am not smart enough to know what the hell he is talking about, but I am in. Chips are pushed into the middle of the table, because I am in!

This guy comes up to me
His face red like a rose on a thorn bush
Like all the colors of a royal flush
And hes peeling off those dollar bills
Slapping them down
One hundred, two hundred
And I can see those fighter planes
And I can see those fighter planes
Across the mud huts where the children sleep
Through the alleys of a quiet city street
Take the staircase to the first floor
Turn the key and slowly unlock the door
As a man breathes into a saxophone
Through the walls we hear the city groan
Outside its america
Outside its america

Everyday is Exactly the Same by NIN
Being stuck in routine is what we fear. The song encompasses today, when that snow bites our skin and we can see our breaths fill the air and wonder why the fuck we are enduring this. The mundane task at work, the crazy person waiting for us at home. Hell, for Cubs fans the failure of 100 years. When u hear it, snap out of it and thank Trent for pointing out this ain’t no way to go out.

I believe I can see the future
Cause I repeat the same routine
I think I used to have a purpose
But then again
That might have been a dream
I think I used to have a voice
Now I never make a sound
I just do what I've been told
I really don't want them to come around

Temptation by New Order
Quite simply the best part of this song is the following lyrics. The thought that what u do and say and think could impact others. This is especially important for me, since I have lil C looking up to me. What is funny is that we forget that others thoughts impact us from above. Some joker fucks up and we all suffer.

Thoughts from above hit the people down below
People in this world we have no place to go
Oh, I've never met anyone quite like you before

Shoplifters of the World by The Smiths
Song reminds me of the FourWinds crew…we were a bit of a thieving bunch back in the day. Nothing crazy, but the song always reminds me of us. The thought of us scrubs uniting and taking over is AWESOME.

Shoplifters of the world,
Unite and take over
Shoplifters of the world Hand it over
A heartless hand on my shoulder A push - and it's over Alabaster crashes down (Six months is a long time) Tried living in the real world Instead of a shell But before I began ... I was bored before I even began


Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Interview: Flying with DJ Yayo

Conducted September 2006
I wrote this after I found out my good friend Yayo was becoming an Air Marshall. Why is this a shocker? Well at the time, he was deathly afraid of flying, and was applying to a job that required constant air time. So read on..and enjoy.

Interview commence.
Raise your hand if you believe Yayo is leaving? Go ahead…raise them high…higher…cause right now…I got nothing.

Fuck it…raise your hand if you know who Yayo is…with the turnover of this team, I am not sure you guys even know who the real Yayo is…so in honor…and this truly is…I will lay it out for you.

“iz3y’s view of yayo!”

Who is Yayo you ask? Yayo is the entrepreneur without the cash or business plan. Yayo is the athlete without the athleticism. Yayo is the metrosexual without the sexual.
Does it surprise me that Yayo wants to be an Air Marshall when he hates to fly…HELL NO…that is Yayo. That is very essence of Yayo. When Steve “2Tights” Martinez says he wants to be an IRS agent and give up about 250K from his currently bloated salary, I say…that fucking guy is crazy. When Yayo says, “I want to be an Air Marshall…I mean they don’t always fly do they?” I say…YES…that is Yayo.
Pure and simple and to the point Yayo.

So a few questions I have for Yayo and I was lucky enough to get an exclusive interview.

On Fear of Flying
Me: “ You don’t like to fly…how will you cope?”
Yayo: “As long as I can drink, I will be. A OK!
ME: “you can’t drink on a flight when you are a Marshall”
Yayo: “oh right [he begins winking at me] I will be drinking Ginger Ale [the winking continues and I am getting uncomfortable]

On Softball
ME:”what about the team? How is that going to be leaving?”
Yayo: “Fuck the team. I have carried the team for so long that I have arthritis in my knees. Who do you think told Steve to wear the tightest pants he could find..ME! that’s who!
You think that was coffee I was drinking…nope..that was a steaming cup of WHOOP ASS I WAS DOWNING. I am tired of carrying you sad sacks of garbage. I want to do something easier like harass people for looking Middle Eastern.
Me: “But your numbers sucked and I regularly outplayed you!”
Yayo:”Please…you think it was easy making you assholes look good. IT wasn’t. I am the greatest of all TIME!!! BTw…remember 3rd base in the playoffs in spring…”
ME: “ Touche….Touche!”

On being a Bartender
ME: “What about your dream of making ‘cocktail’ a reality?”
Yayo: “it pains me…I had that goal…it was a dream, but who says I still won’t be slinging drinks in the air. You think they can handle the YAYO?
Me: “Stop trying to tear your shirt off. Remember you can’t drink in the air…”
Yayo: “Dude…you don’t know. I can do whatever I want…AIR MARSHALL, BITCH!!! As a matter of fact you are looking real suspicious right now…let me get my latex glove”
ME:”Seriously…put down the KY jelly, cause this ain’t happening. Are you gonna miss the late nights and starbucks at 3pm?
Yayo: “No I figure the miscellaneous stewardess ass I will be staring at and hitting in the bathrooms will make up for it!”
Me: “That’s your plan?”

On leaving Chicago
ME: “What about leaving Chicago, the windy City?”
Yayo: “I will fly over and shed a tear on my way to Idaho or whatever. But I have already made arrangements for my Hairdresser to move to DC with me so no big deal. Nothing else here really matters.”
ME:”What about your condos? Family? The White Sox?
Yayo: “Condos…let them bitches burn for all I care. As for my family…hey they have my number. I know where they live. The White Sox are a whole different matter. That hurts. I signed up for MLB live and hope to follow them on my computer while I fly.
ME: “But you can’t use a computer while you fly”
Yayo: [stunned and in disbelief..anger approaching a boiling poing] “I AM A FUCKING…
ME:” AIR MARSHALL…yeah I got it!

On life
Me: “So what is your philosophy on life…on this whole thing we call LIFE!”
Yayo: “Fuck it…Carpe Diem bitches. You have to live your life to the fullest, one cup of coffee at a time. Yeah you could wait for life to knock on your door and give you a giant cardboard check, but not me.
I go to life’s house pick her up and take her like an Asian Whore working the USO circuit. That is the way I live…so I may be afraid to fly, but I ain’t afraid of staring at some stewardess ass all DAY! Coach …er….Air Marshall out…BITCHES!!!!

And that wraps up our exclusive interview with Yayo…more to come at his going away hangover!!!

Monday, December 1, 2008

Interview: Here's Johnny!

Conducted March 2007
This was the first in a series of one, of fake interviews I conducted here at work. I have done other interviews but never at work. Johnny had just left SUA to go Florida and quickly came back when he realized how much that decision sucked. So, we treated him like a new employee and well...just read it!

People ask me..."iz3y, why are you so mean to the new employees at SUA?"

My usual reply is "because i can be!" I mean who are these people that i have to be nice to them? What have they done for me lately? We buy them lunch, we give them cubes stocked with supplies and they want me to be nice. Yeah, i can see why they need my prompt service. Those poor babies have suffered enough.

Ultimately, though, my responsibility is to the FAM, and if the FAM wants me to be nicer, then fine, I will respect that.

LADIES AND GENTLEMAN, let us extend a warm SUA welcome to our new employee. In the utmost respect for this person, I sat down and interviewed him and even included a few pics so that when you see him in the hallway, you will recognize him and offer a consoling and friendly hello. Let me preface this interview by saying, this man is a true character, and please brace yourselves for this truly unique experience.


Name: Johnner Guadalupe Londono
Dept: IT (QA)
Title: UAT ANALYST / Talent Evaluator / Coffee Boy
Hobbies: Basketball/Soccer/knitting/manicures
Age: 27 (34 actual age)
Height: 5'8" 1/2
Weight: ???
Shoe Size: 14 (11 without extended toe box)

Where are you from?
JGL: "I am from Plano, Texas, but part of my schtick with woman is I tell them I am from Cali, Columbia...I even have the accent to verify this line. Watch....Heeey ladies...jouw want to go dancing or sonthing? It is like a charm!"
me: "Very disturbing...owwww....damn man, I am sure you just kicked me...and you are a good 10 feet awat!"
JGL: "Sorry...point shoes are a hazard that I have had to deal with in order to keep up this facade of a latin player. this interview going public...I better use my accent...just in case the ladies are reading!"
me: "why are you fixing your eyebrows and mustache like the guy from Coming to one can see you."

What brings you to SUA?
JGL: " I love IAN...i am enamored with .... I mean.... (JGL slips into his phoney accent) "I feeeel, that i could make all the deeeeference and take theees company to the freeeeaking TOP!"
me: "top of what, and why are still kicking me!"
JGL: "TO THE TOP...This company could have all kinds of freaking HAND!"
me: "what the hell are you talking about? watch Seindfeld...i get it now. Not very "latin Playerish" now is that. I mean, shouldn't you be quoting telenovelas or making up slang terms like our resident Peruvian Prince?"
JGL: "It's Seinfeld...he is universal....wait...PERUVIAN...oh as long as he isn't a freaking Argentianian...I can STAND freaking Argentinians due to my Columbian roots!"
me: "aren't you from Texas?"
JGL: "yes, but remember the back story is that I am from Cali, Columbia...for the ladies edification"

What is it that you will bring to the Company?
JGL: "Style, latin flavor mostly..."
me: "you realize you're in a IT role right...and why are you dancing?"
JGL: "that's me baby...that is how i freaking do!"
me: "seriously, ur stepping on my toes with those things...also, i think your scorpion chain just hit me in the head.
JGL: "can you feel the music...the congas, the trumpets, the drums...."
me: "what music u psychotic...."
JGL: "YEAH....LIVIN' THE VIDA LOCA!!!! you say something...i wass grooving to my main mang RICKY MARTIN!"
me: "naw...i am good!"

What goals have you set up for yourself? What r u trying to achieve?
JGL: "look...i don't know about all these questions? I am just living in the freaking moment. What happens hear me ladies!?!?!"
me: "what ladies man...there is no one else around...and that your cologne?"
JGL: "You like it own blend of Michael Jordan and Derek Jeters colognes. together they are freaking ridiculous!"
me: "I am sure i am permantly scarred. What is that in your hand?"
JGL: "a couple pictures for the ladies. I need you to post them in this interview...for the ladies!"
me: "u sure?"

me: "wow..."
JGL: "i know is too much. Can you handle the rush of woman that is about to come?"
me: "i think i'm good. Wait..what is that rusted out shitbox behind you?"
JGL: "That is the RIDE! Tinted Windows, four doors....wheels. FREAKING GREAT!
me: "wait you have more pics?"
JGL: "of course...hey can you blow these up to poster size? Or would that cause a stampede?"

JGL: "I mean look at me here...this is crazy! I think i should charge you posting these!"
me: "naw dude...i think we're good!"
JGL: "where is my other one? The one with my crew!"
me:" we go"

me: "why is that one guy all alone over there?"
JGL: "what guy...I only see the star in the Center. There is only ONE GUY you should be focusing on. Not my damn body double!"

JGL: "Let me ask you something. Are there gonna be any Italians working there. I hate them more than freaking Argentinians. Skinless Alligators!"
me: "what the hell does that mean?"
JGL: [dropping the accent] I am not really sure. I heard it used one day and i thought it was a fabulous line. ohhh...slipped up didn't I? [returning to accent] "Freaking scumbags!"
me: "well i hope you enjoy ur stay here. You will find we are all pretty cool and helpful if you need anything...'
JGL: "lunch!"
me: "what..what you mean?"
JGL:"I need freaking lunch. where can i get chilli, a hamburger, fries, Extra Large Coke, and another hamburger? I have to eat light...watching my figure. I am a freaking atlete!"
me: "WOW!"
JGL: "I know...ever see an indoor rainbow?"
me: "i meant are u still alive after eating all that? and an indoor rainbow...isn't a rainbow the universal sign for....uh forget it!"

JGL: "YEAH...a rainbow...i am a freaking RAINBOW...and indoor RAINBOW!!!!"

And there you have it...our first welcome to SUA interview. I hope you all enjoyed it, and see that I have made the effort to welcome a new employee to the fold, and to the family.
this is iz3y saying..
JGL: "don't you think i should do the freaking exit...I mean i am the RAINBOW!!!"