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HAPPY BDAY to Bella Baggins (7/6) and the BIGS (7/13)

Friday, December 31, 2010

NYE...hurray for you and me

It is 12.31.2010 at 9:47am in Chicago. I am sitting in my new office on my day off because I wanted to decorate this bitch. Yeah, that's right i went in on my day off which most of you are laughing at since many of you bastards don't think I work hard on normal days. Well here I am figuring out where to put my Homer Simpson doll. I am worried about the lines and colors, and whether my massive new laptop will block people when they come in here to talk to me about computers.

dull right? Not for my ass! When I step back and realize why I am even here in the first place I smile. See, I could be at home right now on my day off thinking of news ways to loathe going back to work on Monday if i were still stuck at my previous gig. Instead, I am happily sitting in the most comfortable chair I have ever sat in, overlooking the river,the L Train and a great slice of Chicago. So, since I am almost tired of rubbing this in ur faces...sorry LU...I felt like going back over the year.

Beginning of the year my old company finally died and was buried. Then it was unceremoniously dug up, defecated on, and dragged through the streets until it was barely recognizable. If that wasn't enough, limbs were chopped and it was mocked using them. All the while, we were told this was ok, and that we should "SUCK IT UP AND QUIT COMPLAINING!". Friends and colleagues vanished like Hitler was still in charge and was hell bent on ridding the world of good people.

In the middle of all this, I decided to drop off this huge anchor that was weighing me down. I mean I am short already, and this hunk of iron was robbing me of my full height and pomp! So, on a beautiful day in July, I went to the Lake and dropped that bitch off in the water. I made sure to stick around and watch it sink the bottom. I wouldn't say I reveled in it or anything...I was just making sure it wasn't still stuck to me somehow.

That was the bad...or good as in the case of shedding the iron, but 2010 was just prepping me for the good. For instance, I got a new car. 2005 Jetta! Yep, I went all the way to Florida to go scoop that up and the owner was nice enough to come with me and make sure I was happy with the purchase and the ride. Then she even cooked me dinner, and watched movies with me. I tell you, if you get a chance, head to FL...they have great people there!

I was able to fully enjoy my time with the greatest human son. He is the lilMAN, in case you just stumbled across this blog. He is 3 years old of positive energy. Over the past year i have cemented my groove and routine with him, only to have him change it up on me. He keeps me on my toes and I love it. Our battles of wit and will entertain me like no other. Yes he is three, but his imagination and creativity have reinvigorated me. Or at the very least made me see past all the crap that COULD tie one down.

Cooking has become a new thing for me. I dont do it as much as I like but being able to throw some things together has been fun. Doing it with my mom and that awesome Jetta owner made it even better. Who knew charring flesh, drowning life in a boiling water or oil could be so much fun or delicious. Oh Dexter, you are one clever bastard.

In sports, well, watching DROSE destroy people and make sportscasters gush over this great city again has been a pleasure. It truly sucked being a huge city and watching your teams fail and cry poverty. The Bears have also stepped up and dragged these haters out of the woodwork. Nothing truly could make me happier. Well except for another White Sox World Series and a futile Cubs Season.

So 2011, you have some work to do. Step your game up. Last year i proclaimed that 2010 was going to be a great year, and it was. Ups, downs, fights or love, whatever happens happens. You can only embrace it, lay it down, stare deeply into its eyes, and say...I love lets get it on! In a few short hours i will be annihilating some of the most delicious courses one could ask for. Afterward, I will call my son, and we will chat about sports, his love of trains and the upcoming financial climate the country will face. Soon after that, we will engage in a bloody battles of board games and shit talking. It will all take a break at 11:58pm when we will pour out champagne, and get ready to bring in the new year. Sitting here in my comfortable chair, with the low rumble of the L behind me, i can only smile...2010 was good...2011 here we come.


Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Rant Volume Version 12.1

  • It is better to be poor and alone than be stuck in a loveless shitty relationship. what ends up happening is you are neither alone or poor, but that is our great fear...kinda like getting fired. You fear being poor and hungry and what ends of happening is that your shiftless ass gets it together and you end up better off.
  • Forgiveness sucks. I know that doesnt sound Christ-like or whatever, but it does. I recently went to the dentist only to have him tell me i ground down my left canine tooth. It must have been from all that shit i had to look the other way on. I am not a kind hearted person by any means, but sometimes it is for the best. Plotting that many murders would take a toll on you.
  • I realized that a ton of sports "fans" aren't really sports fans. They are number crunchers playing the stock market. They are gamblers with no money riding on the event! Look at Fantasy GMs. Go ahead, they are easy to find. Now watch a game with them and you will see they are cheering AGAINST THEIR FUCKING TEAM! How did this happen? Who made this cool? I want to strangle a bitch. A fan is a fan is a fan! Be a fan of your team. Root for your fucking team. Hate the other team. You can respect the other team, but there better be a heaping spoonful of hate mixed in.
  • Also, if you are from a Podunk town that has no major team in the sport you love, you are allowed to choose your team from professional league of your choice in the order that follows.
    - the Team NEAREST to your shitty town
    - the team your parents rooted for, or any other inspiring role model
    - the team your spouse/girlfriend/boyfriend or whoever is giving u ass cheers for
    - the team your friends root for and therefore gives u something to bond over

    That's it. It is not acceptable to turn on the TV during the championship game of that particular sport and pick the winning team as your team unless you live internationally and dont know shit about shit. If that is case, fine. You can have that team, but when a die-hard fan talks admiringly about their team..SHUT THE FUCK UP. Don't get puffy chested about how AWESOME "your" adopted team is. You look like a fucking fool talking to a real fan about love and passion when you merely turned on the TV and picked the team with the shiny trophy. After 10 years of pain and heartache and cheering for that adopted team through thick and think may you open your mouth, and even then you still should temper your nonsense a bit. 15 years for Yankees fans because of your propensity to not know shit about shit, yet act like you're a die-hard fan is retarded on a monumental scale.
  • Bears fans are Cubs fans mixed with Sox Fans. We are die-hard and travel well. Bears fans love that team so much, we still believe Ditka is a great coach. some believe he founded the team, and not just played for it and coached it. Others believe he secretly still coaches the team from the ESPN studio he works on. Where we mix Sox fan sensibility is that we are very hard on that team. Every fuck up is met anger and doubt. We are pessimistic fans! Unlike Cub fans who think every year is the year, we actually need to see a trophy in our hands riding down Michigan avenue in order to believe. We will also defend them with passion. We go out of our way to diss the Packers for no reason...much like a Sox fan spews vile at a poor Cubs fan for fun. This team is our bonding point!
  • Californication is required viewing for parents and couples. If you know nothing about the show, watch it anyway. Essentially, it reveals the worst and best in humanity. It also features soft core porn, awesome dialogue between characters, and more soft core porn.
  • When you get older, it is harder to establish time with your friends. This of course is bullshit, but true. Friends might need therapy like a counselor, but we never get it. Nope, we trudge on and remember we are friends and in the end it will all work out. In the end we will always be "boys" or "Girls" and the 3 month break of limited convo has no bearing or ill effect on that. Nope, when you finally get together all that shit is forgotten and your back where you were. No harm no foul! Remarkable right? Yet our divorce rate is 50%! There are millions of books telling you how to date and doing it badly. There are experts on TV making bucks on ur shitty love life. My point...we forgot to be friends with the people we fucking. The fucking replaced the friendship. Be smart...fuck ur friend!
  • When is a good time to speak your mind to someone? Do we need to schedule this shit like a dentist appointment for a good time that works for the asshole you want to talk to? How does that work? I truly believe it robs some of the power of the rant. I say forget nicely scheduled interventions, and bring in the guerrilla tactics used so successfully all over Central America. If your on my list, you best be ready at all times. Church, your place of employment, shower stall, wherever! I am not waiting for festivus to air out my grievances. I also wont wait for your birthday to tell you how cool you are. Speaking your mind doesnt have to mean i am going to bitch you out. Embrace that people...and keep your head on a swivel!

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

More Things that make me say, "I don't give a shit"

Back by Popular demand, the list of things I donlt give a shit about grows!

1)  Lindsey Lohan is drinking, clubbing, and snorting coke off of hooker's asses while in Rehab.

2) mancow went from small station, to bigger station, to biggest station, to pissing on the deal howard stern got with satellite radio, and is now broadcasting from my garage.  His garage broadcasts are way better then howard stern.  Howard Stern returned my call and said "Well, i can swear on my show."  I said "I don';lt give a shit, you can swear in the woods too, either way no one will hear that shit."  I also said "Motherfucking Osam aBin Laden could be your co-host and for 12 years no one would find him."  He wept bitterly

3)  Lady gaga lets fans grope her.

4)  Jay Mohr is only still relevant because he does a funny Tracy Morgan Impression.  Tracy Morgan dies today of kidney transplant complications.  So thats 2 careers dead.  Where on earth will we find a black man to act ridiculous and get all loud and shit at wildly innappropriate times, increasing the humor?

5) Jacob O'Donnel.  Just kidding, I do not know who this person is.  They did not exist until they lashed out at me for my blog posts.  You are most definitely on my radar now, and i hope that with every word, every line I write, you see that anyone can rip on someone else's creation, but only true genuis can create.  Not just kinda good, or not too shabby, i'm talking about true genuis.  My pen is made of Unicorn horn, my ink is dragon blood, thats how rare my shit is.  I wake up in the morning and piss excellence.  Excellence and Ciroc Vodka, the finest of vodkas. 

6) The one reason why Black Swan got so much attention is because there’s a scene where Mila Kunis essentially pounces on Natalie Portman and goes down on her. Another reason was Darren Aronofskys ability to tell a complex story about a downward spiral into madness. But really it was that first one, about lesbians and pussy.  Hollywood is full of sexual degenerates, and they reward sexual depravity in an effort to blur the lines between art and porno. 

7)  The POPE spoke about about condom use as an effective means to prevent disease, but then backtracked and said that he did not approve condom use.  This is like Johnner talking about sports, non-pointy shoes, or anything related to popular culture, religion, politics, world news, history, art, current events, fiscal responsibility, etc.  This is like P DIDDY judging a rap contest, J Lo judging American Idol, rock and roll speaking out against drug use.  it makes no sense, and one should disregard the source

8)  The FCC just voted to approve regulations that ensure net neutrality, making it unlawful for bigger companies to pay for more exposure, faster connections, and premuim treatment.  Tuesday's vote is the culmination of five years of fighting over how best to ensure the free flow of information in all its forms over the internet.  The bigger companies are upset, becazuse this means that phones with ANY company or ANY Service will be able to stream videos and content at the same speeds.  Apple and IPHONE were devastated that they will have to slum it with the low-techies like myself.  My question is, will jerky snobs still line up to pay apple and AT&T exorbitant fees for service they can get anywhere?

9) Terrel Owens.  Hurt his knee, is out for the year, and hopfully the career of one of the most hated men in pro football is over.  Was he good?  yes.  Was he the best?  Fuck no.  Was he a pariah on every team he played on?  Yes.  Did he blame everyone else for his shortcomings?  Yes.  Will he try vainly to stick around longe past his prime al la Brett Farve? Yes.  Should he have retired 4 years ago?  Yes.  Did he ever find love on his reality show?  Who knows, I cannot find anyone who ever saw it.  I bet he marries a NBA wife/baby mamma/concubine just for the TV time. 

10)  The Punter for the New York Giants kicked it to DeSean Jackson, who promptly returned it for a game-winning score.  "I thought we could take him"  he said.  Who cares, YOU'RE A PUNTER.  Even the punters in NYC are jerks. 

11)  I had a group of tow-truck drivers complain about the blog.  I told them my story, and thery agreed that the tow truck driver I dealth with acted hastily.  They asked me to write a retraction to my blog post and apoligize.  Here goes:  "At least you're not NY Giants fans, cause then I would really hate you!"

Jokey Jokemaker

The many Reasons Why Eli Manning, Qurterback for the New York Giants, sucks

Hello friends,

     It is I, The Handsome Right-hander, and I have returned with a list of reasons why Eli Manning sucks. 

1)  He lives in New York

2)  He is a whiner, which is saying he is a perfectionist without he himself being perfect.

3)  He pouts when recivers do not catch his wildly thrown passes

4)  When recievers miraculously catch his shitty throws, he acts like he is Joe freakin Montana, the best tackler ever in te NFL.

5)  The lone SuperBowl win, was a result of him running for his life and throwing up a prayer that a superb athlete caught.  It could have been almost anyone throwing that.  The team may be the luckiest team to win, but not the most skilled. 

6)  He acts like he team goes to the Superbowl every year

7)  His team gets to the playoffs often, but i guarantee that every year, 12 teams go to the playoffs, and 11 will go home losers.  This time-tested argument is like saying, "Once i woke up and won the lottery, so from now on, every morning i wake up, I will win the lottery."

8)  He looks like a horse

9)  Every year, his team goes through some turmoil, and every year someone steps up and takes leadership of the team.  Every year, its someone other than Eli Manning

10) I am still upset he pouted like a kid when he got drafted by San Diego, a team with a stud defense and good running game.  He demanded and got a trade to New York, a team with a stud defense and good running game.  He went to NYC for the glitz and glamour, indirectly creating in NYC the notion that years later, LEBRON JAMES would do the same. 

11) The team has stood for smoke and mirrors, all style and substance, and attracting the types of fans that are the same.  They all wear Manning jerseys

12) Ex-Giant Hall Of Famer Lawrence Taylor rapes teenage girls, and is a good friend of Eli Manning

13) The got rid of Jeremy Shockey because he was too self centered and full of smoke and mirrors, style with no substance, and claim it was bad for the team.  Eli went and demanded they get rid of him, and pouted till they did

14) the New York Giants play all their home games in New Jersey, and Eli Manning is a jerk

15) Eli manning's team lost on a last second touchdown to the Eagles, and all reporters were disgusted with the play of the giants.  ELi waited in the press room for the crowds to ask him about the game.  No one showed except a dude who had smoked the bomb-ass Kush weed in the hallway lookijng for a place to catch a nap.  As soon as that dude walked in, Eli starts a conference no one heard.  The dude did not have a tape recorder, and dozed off soon after it started


The many reasons why New York Sucks

Dear friends,

it is I, THE Jokey Jokemaker, and I have returned to write about why New York sucks.  New York is the largest city in the United States.  It is full of many assholes. Thank you.

Jokey Jokemaker


Friday, December 17, 2010


It is XMAS season and I hope all of you are enjoying it with your fam and friends. We here at Fourwinds thank you once again for reading our blog, and laughing at Jokey's jokes. That man has put hundreds of hours in the lab to create some fine bathroom material.

Some tips for you for this loving giving season.
  • If you didnt get what you wanted, and you are over 10 years old...please do the right thing and thank the person and DISCREETLY return the gift with some excuse like "it didnt fit" or "i had one already". If you do otherwise you are open to a punch in the face. There is no need to act like a brat no matter rich or baller you think you are!
  • the best gifts are the ones people like. If they pick out an ugly shirt, get them the ugly shirt or a gift card to the store that sells that piece of shit. Do not try to impress your ideas of fashion on people because chances are you they will have to perform step one above or punch you in the face!
  • Your kid believe in Santa Claus until he/she tells u they don't. Quit asking them if they believe in hopes they tell you they dont so you can finally get credit for spending paychecks to get Japanese robots they wont play with in a month.
  • If for some reason you dont like your inlaws...suck it up and act like an adult. Show some grace, flair, and aplomb. Pretend you have more acting talent than Mark Wahlberg and act like you are having a good time. Here is a know how happy your spouse is at your family's house...that shit is an act. Learn!
  • Do not drink copious amounts of alcohol if you cannot control your mouth, bowels, or rage. No one needs to see you pissing on the presents an smashing the tree all because you believe that Xmas is nothing but a commercialized socialist project designed to make you buy shit you dont want.
Above all, have a great time. This is XMAS and no matter what you should enjoy it. Share the holidays with your fam and friends. Raise a glass or two and remember that the Romans moved the birthday of Christ to this day so that Pagans wouldnt be able to celebrate debaucherously in peace. Or you can just enjoy all those awesome gifts with your super cool in-laws while drinking copious amounts of alcohol.

MERRY XMAS my people


when keeping it real....

So it has been way too damn long since i have written anything for this blog. My account was almost deactivated from lack of use and this place was just that close to falling solely under Jokey reign. Trust unbridled Jokey is good for no one. His personalities would multiply faster than a welfare mom's kids, or that white chick Kate Gosselin and who the hell knows how that would end up.

what woke me up you ask? Oh you didnt ask? I dont care, because I am going to tell you anyway. It was being called out by Jokey...and it wasnt so much that he called me out, as it was that he was writing my columns. Sure, he renamed it from the RANT VOL, but I got it. It was time for me to I thank you Jokey. (he is clearly still pissed about Bucky!!!)

So what has kept me away? Simply, i couldnt write what i wanted to. I felt too much of me was being scrutinized on here and so i had to censor myself. I had to make the columns about something else, and that doesnt work for a loudmouth like me. I need to spit real shit, or atleast whatever i feel is real. That quite simply is hard to do when people use it courts of law. I felt like any rapper pleading to the courts that despite their album being called "Fuck the white pigs" that they actually liked the police.

Well now, i dont care. I am tired of people going around unchecked and you know who you are! Yeah...this bastard is back! So, is some shit I dont give a shit about....

  • Mancow...overrated..overhyped, and shitty version of Stern

  • ESPN's habit of killing Favre at every turn, then as soon as he misses a game the love fest that ensued. It was nuts. Make up your minds. They acted like a certain psychotic ex that i once had. They are one rabbit and some boiling water away...

  • nonIPHONEs...if ur shit was any good you wouldnt have to keep mentioning the iPhone. Droid these nuts you plastic pieces of shit

Things I am really respecting right now:

  • Chicago Wind...will get its own blog

  • Derrick Rose's crossover/ and video coming


Mark Whalberg reacts to being the only actor not nominated for any awards in a movie he stars/directs/and produces

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Things that make me say "I don't give a shit"

Hello evildoers,

     Once again, I am bored as shit and decided to blog to talk about things people have told me, that have eleicited a response in the vein of "I don't give a shit."

1)  Michael Jackson just released a new album.

2)  Apparently there are 4 members in the Black Eyed Peas, I thought it was the white broad, and the black dude with the stupid sunglasses. 

3) Jennifer Anniston is in another movie where she loves and loses and learns after trial and tribulations to love again. 

4)  Marky Mark Whalberg has gotten up super-every morning for the last 4 years to train and box to prepare for his role as IRISH Mickey Ward in THE FIGHTER

5) Kate Gosslein had 2 of her 300 kids kicked out of school for fighting/biting/and cursing at teachers and students. 

6) Bristol Palin is considering writing a book

7)  Angelina Jolie got a best actress nomination for her role in, The Tourist, and has a great ass.

8)  Women become increasingly more vain when all they have are looks and a bullshit sense of entitlement.

9)  Its the birthday of the girl in black.

10) The chicago cubs are fuck.  I got bored with it before i even finished the sentence.

11)  The Q101 jingle bash will be headlined by music groups like The Lovehammers, local bands, etc.

12)  Congress came really close, I mean REALLY REALLY CLOSE to opening up the fucking 3 ring binder that had all the information that shows why supporting the DREAM Act is the best move.  REALLY CLOSE!

13) Rahm Emmanuel insists he is a Chi-town guy at heart.  Let us remember that on his resume, under references, IS THE FUCKING PRESIDENT OF THE USA.

14)  Brett Farve says that his shoulder has improved from FUCKING FALLING OFF all the way up to AGONIZING TORTURE, which means he could play Monday Vs the BEARS.

15) Lebron James and the Miami Heat have been dpoing well lately, when everybody agreed that Dwayne Wade is the best player on that team.

16)  Carmelo Anthony has said he will only sign with the New York Knicks, even though their most effective player to date has been wilson chandler, who plays like a power forward at the Small Forward spot.  Everybody knows that AMARE would much rather play offense and not focus on playing even the shittiest of defense.

17)  The knicks got fat off of bad teams

18)  Johnner continues to argue he is a yankees fan to the bone, even though he was born in Honduras

19)  The state of Illinois fully expects people who have bought anything online from 2004-2010 to back-pay any sales tax they avoided by purchasing things online.

20) T-Pain will be perfroming at our College's Christmas party as the secret surprise guest.  he smells of Jean Paul Gualtier Cologne and Subway Sandwiches.   

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Things I think I think

hello evildoers,

     It is I, THE Jokeyjokemaker, here with a new batch of thoughts to get you through the cold days ahead.

1) Tow truck companies suck.  if you own a company, work for a company, or know of one, then not only do i wish you ill will, but i would like to extend a hearty fuck you too.

2)  The San Diego Football Chargers are like the Chicago Cubs, in that so much is expected of them every year, and every year, they fail in spectacular fashion to deliver on the promise.  I mean its like every marky Mark Whalberg movie role.  Wether it be bank robber, boxer, stalker, wannabe dectective, he sucks in all of them.  His best role, taking into account he role he plays in "The FIGHTER" is still the crazy stalker in FEAR.  "JUST LET ME IN THE HOUSE!"

3) Jimmy is a horrible shell of a man

4) Danny Gaona enjoys drinking shitty beer

5)  My new job is very stressful, and very rewarding.  If I can get it to where it needs to be, i will have created 1000+ jobs in the first year.  Take that OBAMA.  Sorry, I apoligize. Lets grab a beer and have a dialogue.  No?  C'mon.  Later?   No, I need definite answers.  Talk to Biden?  NO!   JUST LET ME IN THE HOUSE!

6)  The New York Yankees are learning that the chance to be an asshole, live in the same city as the new york mets, and the highest contract offer do not always mean you will land your man.  I bet Jay-z and Alicia keys wont have a song about that hit the charts anytime soon. 

7)  We need to Invade Canada or some shit because these 40 dollar gas fill ups are killing me. 

8)  Obama needs to met me in the house

9)  The DREAM Act will not pass because that eliminates a scapegoat that Dems and Rep's can blame for society's ills.

10)  I will be joining the green party, and working to extend citizenship contracts printed with vegetable dyes on recycleable paper to anyone who is so determined to become an American that they would fight our bullshit wars, brave our daunting school system, or perform thousands of hours of community service just for the CHANCE to be an American.  

11)  After a long layoff, i still got the magic touch

12)  I also still have the magic stick

13)  You should write your local congressperson, and urge them to tell Obama to let me in the house.