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HAPPY BDAY to Bella Baggins (7/6) and the BIGS (7/13)

Friday, October 28, 2011

Around the World of Sports...

Given the lameness of recent posts and my absence of bullshit from the 3 people's lives that read this blog I will take you on a journey around my world of sports once a week to bring something new and dynamic to the world. Mostly this is just something to do to kill time so I don't go fuckin crazy.


Boy what a game 6 of the World Series last night! Too bad no one was watching. Given that while it was on the following was on as well: a brand new episode of The Office, Project Runway finale and some show on MTV about some teenager in Arkansas who got pregnant just to get back at her brother for cheating on her. I'd have to say what a hell of a product you've got there Mr. Selig.

NCAA Football

I rarely watch college ball but i caught the Wisconsin-Michigan State game last Saturday night. Hail Mary aside, way to show you aren't Heisman material Russell Wilson. Game would't have been that close had you not missed several wide open receivers. Would have blown the game wide open. Big Ten ain't big time. Takes a corrupt coach willing to give his players free tattoos of Roy Orbison on their asses for title dreams to come through in the Big Ten.


Nothing But Assholes.

Formula 1

During practice runs today several dogs made their way onto the circuit leading drivers to wonder about the safeness of the inaugural Grand Prix this weekend in India. Safeness?!? Who cares. Run into the dog and you can probably feed a family of 10 for a few weeks outside of whoever lives in New Delhi.


Boy, That B.J. Novak can really throw the ball, huh? Not only a decent comedic actor but on pace to pass the Holy Trinity of single season passing records by a QB. Well done Ryan the Intern. You've come a long way since your Dundy for hottest person in the office.

Random thought of the week...

Watched the documentary Catching Hell a few weeks back. Boy Cubs fans...have some class. I mean it's been 103 years but still. If you are gonna be proud of the fact that you are fans of losers at least try to be civil towards your own. I'd hate to see what would have happened had that been a 9 year old kid.

Preview of next week...

Lovie Smith gets his groove back. Pujols overdoses on HGH and hits a home run with his penis while taking his morning piss. Tyler Clutts changes his name to Tyler Graceful and runs for over 300 yards versus the Eagles showing Matt Forte who really deserves to get paid.

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Eat it Terrel Owens

Love or despise him, no one can deny Terrell Owens was one of the best.  Sure he was a big fat whiny bitch, who was tolerated long enough to make a team with shitty wide recievers into a team with less shitty wide recievers.  Sure he became a media whore, and sure, once teams realized that he had bad hands and dropped several towuchdowns a year, everyone realized that the sooner he got the hell out of the league, the better off it would be.  But no one can deny the simple fact that Terrell Owens was in the top 1000 Wide recievers to ever play in the NFL.


I mean, I would be hard pressed to find 999 names better that Terrell Owens.  Jerry Rice?  Hell yeah Jerry Rice was better than T.O.  Chris Carter, most definitely.  Devin Hester?  No way.  Owens cemented himself as a great. His 156 touchdowns are good for fourth ever, according to His 1078 catches are sixth best all-time. Owens amassed 15,934 total yards in his career, second only to Jerry Rice’s 22,895.

For all the ridiculous touchdown celebrations, for all the sit ups in his drive way, for every episode of his horrid reality TV show, For every jackass attempt to cry over quarterback criticism, for every half-assed attempted to mug for the camera by eating popcorn, shaking pom poms, or standing on the Dallas star, Owens was still a hell of a player.

Owens’ greatness, though, came in an era of uncanny success for NFL players. Six of the top ten all-time receptions leaders played the majority of their careers in the first decade of the 21st century (Tony Gonzalez, Marvin Harrison, Isaac Bruce, Hines Ward and Randy Moss accompany T.O). Four of the top-10 receiving yards leaders and five of the top-10 touchdowns leaders all-time were of the T.O. era.  Almost all of these receivers will go in before Terrel Owens.  In fact , one can almost picture the fucking dog and pony show that will accompany the T.O Hall of Fame Ceremony.  I picture marching bands, Midgets, and cirque du Soliel. 

And then there are their quarterbacks. Peyton Manning will go down as one of the greatest NFL arms of all time. Manning ranks third all-time in passing touchdowns, completions and yards and fourth in attempts. Brett Favre owns nearly every passing record (the good ones and the bad ones). Despite never finding a real home, journeyman Kerry Collins comes in 10th all-time among passing yards leaders, with Tom Brady and Donovan McNabb not far behind. Brady’s three Super Bowl wins in four appearances guarantee him a spot in Canton.

LaDainian Tomlinson is second all-time in rushing scores, fifth in rushing attempts and sixth in rushing yards.  Jason Taylor, Michael Strahan and Simeon Rice rank in the top-15 for sacks all time.  Ray Lewis is headed towards the all-time tackles record, while Brian Urlacher looks to join the Raven in Canton.

Yes, it’s been quite an era.

Unfortunately, Owens’ unattended workout Tuesday may signal the end of his career.
He did not get a sniff from anyone.  He at least got a 400/week offer from the arena league.  As long as he does not pull a Latrell Spreewell, he should be fine.  You know who was better than T.O, WAY BETTER?  MARVIN HARRISON, and if that motherfucker could not get a job, what makes T.O think he can get a job coming off of knee surgery.  Its not the Knees T.O, people are leery of your bitch ass behavior.  You can rehab knee, but not a whiny attitude.  And for those of you who say "Look at Micheal Vick,  he did it,"  I say "Micheal Vick could fall out of a boat and miss water." 
Like Owens, the futures of most of the greats from his era face uncertainty as to whether their careers will continue. Manning hopes to find a miracle cure for his faulty neck, Tomlinson has been relegated to a spell-back role. Taylor’s impact has been greatly limited. McNabb may have lost his final starting job. Favre looks to finally be gone for good.

Sure, it’s exciting to see the young stars take over leading roles – Aaron Rodgers took over for Favre, Arian Foster, Darren McFadden and Adrian Peterson replaced Tomlinson as the league’s premiere backs. Andre Johnson, Calvin Johnson and Larry Fitzgerald look poised to follow in the footsteps of those receivers of the T.O. era.
Still, the last 10 years was an unprecedented era of greatness, and one can’t help but to feel a little nostalgic as these player’s times wear down and our opportunity to watch them preform ends.

Yes, that even applies to T.O.
so here, is my last Fuck You to you.

"Here's to you knowing that out of sight equals out of mind, FUCK YOU T.O!  HAPPY RETIREMENT!"

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

what it is..what it was...what it will be....

man it has been too damn long since i have wasted your time with this blog.  Call it being happy, or busy, or whatever other lame excuse people give when they stop doing shit, but it is what it is.

So what has been going on since i last blogged it out....

- My sister is about to have a kid.  Yep, a child.  A baby...a human being currently growing in her belly and ready to come out and start bossing people around.  So, you know that is some news...please take ur time to let it sink in.   done? i have to move on.  So do i start jockeying for position to get him named after me or not (oops...see what i did there...)

- I have stumbled across what has to be the most disturbed TV show i have ever seen.  AMERICAN HORROR STORY on FX on Wednesdays.  WOW.  The guy who did 'NIP/TUCK' apparently was not done tapping into his fucked up side.  AHS is outstanding in the way it leaves u uncomfortable, edgy, and wondering what is going on.  This is not the 'LOST' formula of what is going on.  This is the lights out in the basement and u hear shit version of what's going on.  Check it out if you like that horror drama stuff.

- Speaking of TV, Sons of anarchy is still outstanding.  Just watch it already.  No need to deny the show just because u dont recognize the channel (FX) or the actors.  It is just a well written show with enough twists and turns and Outlawing to keep it believable and re-watchable.

- My Sox sucked, the CUBS were worse, the Bears are schizos, the HAWKS are just starting, and the BULLS are...well who knows.  Chicago sports...pretty shaky.  Suddenly, Wisconsin and Detroit are getting hot.  You know who suffers for all of this...NEW YORK.  Yep, they pay TONS of money for this type of hype and at this point ESPN is running out of ways to justify talking about NY.  With all due respect fuck NY.

- Starting this week, I will be blogging about how i pick my teams for the confidence pool i stupidly joined.  See, i dont watch that much football that i would know who to pick.  I like to play football.  I like to watch the Bears, but i dont sit around hours on end everyday pouring over guides and reports on teams.  It is nuts how people can pick games and be so accurate with it.  So, what do you when you suck at something big time?  Slink away and hope no one notices?  HELL blog about it.  You take the readers inside ur ignorant mind and let them see your mistakes first hand.  What i am going to do is fill out my picks, and write why i picked them.  Gems i am sure to include are the my son picking them based on his skill and my girlfriend picking them based on who the hell knows why.  (ps...she may have a better handle on the teams than me).

So you know...keep an eye out for that.  Should be hilarious as i pick the 15% of the games right!


Prostitution should be legal

For centuries the prospect of selling ones ass has been taboo. I say this is absolute nonsense for one reason and one reason only: sex is never free.

Sure there are all sorts of political and moral arguments on both sides of this debate. Getting into those would make this blog entry way too long--and I've already written a long blog this year (on a topic that actually mattered). No need to waste words here.

Whether it be time or money, you will always pay for sex. Even if it's not the point, it's purely what happens. That long term relationship you just entered/left? That "relationship" is what you exchanged for sex--if you had any. That child support/alimony? Those drinks/dinner you bought? That "work outside of work" you put it? All exchanged for the opportunity to get some.

I know what the ladies are saying. "I'd like to know a guy likes/respects me first for more than just my body." Meanwhile you're also evaluating whether or not he can provide--provide safety (is he a bitch?) or security (can he pay?). I say cut the games. You know he likes you; you can tell from the bulge pointing at you just below the waist. And the cash money being offered up front--that's proof that he's not a bitch and is giving you all the financial security you need: independence.

So as the wise Riley Freeman once said "why can't I just give HER the money and that ho can go grocery shoppin'?" It's a fair question. Instead of wasting each other's time with conversation and alcohol/lubrication, our laws and societal mores should let us just cut to the chase: How much to get in them drawls?

Your highness in waiting

If only the 99%ers were educated as to their constitutional rights

This past weekend, over 100 people were arrested for unlawfully occupying Grant Park after it closed. This week, many (including the alderman of the ward) are a little befuddled as to whether or not their arrest was lawful. Well lucky for them, Sho-Nuff is here to set them straight.

It is definitely true that the 1st amendment of the U.S. Constitution forbids the government (both federal and state) from passing laws that deny people within its jurisdiction (not just citizens) the ability to speak freely and/or assemble. However, the government CAN restrict where and when this takes place, particularly when it involves GOVERNMENT PROPERTY. This is no different than if one wanted to stage a protest on my front lawn--I can let them or not, and if I let them I can determine when and for how long they are allowed to stay, and I can use...ahem..."self-help" to remove them from my property.

The arrests did not violate any rights of the citizens. Indeed the police warned occupants that they needed to leave the park within 30 minutes of its closing--setting park hours is the government regulating "when" those under its jurisdiction can peacefully assemble. While we all pay taxes thus making it "our" park and "public property" as the protesters shouted, the government can determine when we're allowed to use it, how we use it, and particularly which sections we're allowed to use, all while not impeding our right to free speech or lawful, peaceful assembly.

So there you have it. Feel free to protest all you want--just do it when the park is open.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Things I Think I think Vol 5

1)  NFL Analyst and former shitty quarterback Trent Dilfer is a fucking asshole

2)  If the wall street rioters really want to draw attention to their cause, someone needs to get murdered.  Untill then, they are all just a bunch of pussies.  I mean, the do not even yell loud enough for anyone to hear.  I picket sign?  Are you fucking kidding me?  If I m on the 99th floor, i would not even be able to see a freakin BUS, much less a picket sign.  I would laugh evily, stoke my pointed beard, and contemplate whizzing out my window on the protesters, if the cops had not made them move 6 blocks away to protest.  Now, a CEO gets torn to pieces in broad daylight, you got my damn attention

3)  Matt Forte needs, NEEDS to get paid.  Pay him in cash, trident layers gum,whatever the hell he wants.  Just don't let him leave! 

4)  The Apple Iphone 4S is decent.  People still go apeshit for it though, cause it comes in white, or has voice activated whatever thingamabobs.  I can;t wait to be in a crowded area and have some hipster yell out "Iphone, Where are the single, vegan, democrat bitches at?"
5)  There is not a single person in the world, other than Lance Briggs' Lamborghini mechanic who thinks Briggs deserves a contract increase

6)  Props to the skydiving couple who decided to jump naked and screw in the air.  Props to the guy who filmed it.  Props to new and exciting ways to join the mile high club.  Up next, the skydive "I don't know babe, this kind of thing never happens to me."

7)  Props to all the NBA players who had law degrees, MBA degrees, and successfull business ventures to fall back on during the NBA lockout. I fully expect to pay 20 bucks someday, to go down to the local park, to watch a bunch of Giants whup up on some whack ass schoolyard hoopers.  I will watch and scream and jump around when anything remotely athletic is done.  I will also be the first to leave when the NBA'ers starts asking for 25 bucks, instead of 20. 

8)  I am giving up on:  The Eagles, Kevin Kolb, The Giants,  Eli Manning, Peyton Manning,ricky manning, Danny Manning, Dannielle Manning,  Channing Tatum (Just cause his name SOUNDS like manning), Michael Vick, Texas Gov Rick Perry, The Tampa Bay Buccaneers, Mitt Romney, Sarah Palin, Democrats, Dominoes Pizza, The Obama Jobs Bill, and the new season of Boardwalk Empire. 

9)  Rihanna was smoking hot on the X-Factor.  All it did was renew my anger at Chris Brown.  How could you hit someone so beautiful?  Chris Brown, was recently denied entrance into whatever country the Michael Jackson Tribute concert was held in.  They already do not let him into England because he is a felon.  Poor Chris Brown.  I do not know who attended, where it was, or if it was televised or broadcast on the internet.  I think it was more famous for who did  NOT show up, like any big-name stars. Chris brown somehow managed to fuck EVEN THAT up.  I guess whenever I want to see Chris Brown, I wil tune into the 17th season of celebrity rehab.  My guess is it will feature Brown, Whitney Cummings, some random NBA baby mama, the gay nerdy guy from the big bang theory, Kendra Wilkinson, Heidi Montag, and Chris Tucker.  First episode title:  "Where the fuck did my money go?"

10) I believe that Beyonce hired a surrogate to deliver a baby.  I also believe that she wears a fake stomach pillow, so that a month after the baby is born, she can wiggle her fat ass out there and have idiots say "Look how fast she bounced back into shape."  If I were Jay-Z, I would have pushed to naturally impregnate Rihanna, and buy the baby off of her.  Of course I run the risk if Chris Brown punching my child, unless I move Rihanna to England.  FUCK YOU CHRIS BROWN.