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HAPPY BDAY to Bella Baggins (7/6) and the BIGS (7/13)

Friday, January 30, 2009

Are you kidding me!?

This past Wednesday the United States House of Representatives passed the Stimulus package to the Senate in an attempt to get us out of the crisis we are in.  The bill passed by a 244-188 vote.  11 Democrats voted against the bill and 177 Republicans voted against it.  Not one single Republican voted for it.  Not one!

I am no politician.  To be honest i didn't even start paying attention, in depth, until President Obama declared he was running 2 years ago.  But people let's get real!!!  You are not in High School.  You are not immature men or women who are not going to vote someone Prom Queen/King because they went down on your lover last week during halftime of the season ending football game.

This is reality!  Real people are losing their jobs!  Children are sick!  Their parents are wondering how they are going to pay the medical bills that will attempt to heal their children!  Ignorant people who were taken advantage of are having their homes foreclosed because they had no idea what an ARM was.  I can go on and on with the issues, domestically and internationally, that are plaguing our country.

Republicans, Democrats, Independents, Libertarians, Green Party members, get one thing straight!  Something has to be done.  No one knows if this package is going to stop the bleeding and send us on our way to recovery.  But it is a huge attempt!  President Obama has offered to listen and soak in any suggestions that anyone will throw his way.  He has been in office for about 10 days and has met with the House Republicans to listen to their suggestions.  The prior President was in office for 8 years, 8 years mind you, and met with House Democrats 2 times. 

He is making an effort.  There is no doubt he is.  It is not his fault he was left with a shit hole of a situation to try and get us out of.  If the Republicans are not going to even attempt to work with him they are shooting themselves in the foot. 

This is already leading President Obama towards a second term.  They won't even attempt to play ball even though they have owned the field for the past 8 years.  They think Sassy Sara from Wasilla will have a chance of running in 4 years.  Who are they kidding?  If they do not attempt to look as if they are willing to do something to right this ship we will see a new record being set.

Fuck Nixon 49 - McGovern 1.

Obama 50 - Palin 0.

Who knows if what he is attempting to do will bring about change.  Remember, 244 Democrats voted yes,  177 Republicans voted no.  Isn't attempting to do something better then doing nothing at all.

The Rules

Throughout the history of mankind, we have tried to box ourselves in by laws, rules and regulations.  From Moses' 10 commandments to Biggie's 10 Crack Commandments, we've tried to structure ourselves so that we don't go crazy.  Well today in a break from my normal postings I give you some solid rules to live by, all compiled from various sources but very applicable to your everyday life.  Without further ado...

1) You can't turn a ho into a housewife.

This one is quite literal.  Prostitutes and other "whorish" types make terrible housewives (or wives for that matter).  In other words, you can't turn a bad girl good so don't try.

2) Never get high on your own supply.

Basically you can't believe too much of your own bullshit.  You are certainly allowed to pull the wool over the eyes of others, but once you start drink too much of your own kool-aid, it can become toxic.

3) Unlike love and hate, there is not a thin line between success and greatness.

Success is enriching your own life.  Greatness is enriching the lives of others.  There are plenty of people who died successful that you've never heard of.  Strive to be great.

4) Snitching on rivals is perfectly acceptable.

This in fact is strategic.  How do you get rid of your rival without committing a criminal act?  Get some dirt on them and snitch your ass off.  Now you'll have more room to operate.

5) "Bros before hoes" only works when you're younger than 25.

Try pulling that shit after 25 and you'll end up a lonely motherfucker.  Sure women love it when you ignore them, but the older you get the more fierce the competition.  When you're young, every guy's a loser and women know this.  As you get older there are some of us guys that actually graduate from loser to "worth it."  Soon, she'll be choosing one of your bros over your dumb ass too.

6) Having a child does not make you a parent.

RAISING a child--now that's parenting.

7) Race matters.

Soon it won't because we will all be so mixed you won't be able to tell the difference.  But for now it shapes who you are more than class, gender or any other classification.

8) One MUST manage perception.

It seems that since we spend most of our lives learning that it logically follows that people are inherently stupid.  It's this inherent stupidity that accounts for the need to manage perception, since perception is reality (because people don't think critically; what is given simply is accepted).  Thus, it is important to shape the view you want people to see.  If not, they'll think what THEY want.

9) Never sell no crack where you rest at.

Also known as don't shit where you eat.  In other words, if you're gonna do dirt, don't do it at home.  Do it in someone else's hood.  A different state even.  Just don't do it around your house.

And finally...

10) If there is no one hating on you, then you are doing something wrong.

In this day and age success is determined by the amount of ill will you generate towards you from others.  In that regard, John London is one successful mug.  Hate is the new respect.  Get you some haters!

The meanest, prettiest, the baddest mo-fo low-down around this town,

Mind of mischief

So it is friday and today we get way more lighthearted. Today I present you with a list of stuff to do to your co-workers, without getting caught. Nothing crazy, so we won't be cutting break lines in this blog...for that go to JOKEY WORLD. No, here I will give your the tips that will bring a smile to your face and quite possbily, drive a co-worker insane.

Rules: dont get caught, but make sure everyone knows u were involved. What is the point of doing something and not getting any credit.
Rules: dont go overboard...there is no need to light anything on just is bad form
RULES: know when ur joke went to far and give it up. Hint: if you're in handcuffs...quit trying to explain. If the person is having an epileptic seizure because they are allergic to peanuts and u gave them a spoonful of peanut butter...stop laughing and mimicking their convulsions.

#1: the old CHAIR ADJUSTMENT: this is a classic. Everyday, like clockwork, just fuck up how someone has adjusted their chair. height, arm rests, location..the works. If it reclines, but they have locked, unlock it. If it is unlocked, lock it. This drives people nuts, and it generally takes days to get in order.

#2: 3 inches to the left. Move everything just slightly out of place. Not enough to visually notice, but enough so that they question. "did someone move my stapler?" 3 inches one way, 2 creative.

#3: Business Card TP of the Cube. Someone did this to me and I was not furious. I was proud, excited and impressed. They took every card I had and just placed them everywhere. Where once i had wall hangings...CARDS! Keyboard...CARDS! On top of my bobblehead, taped to my monitor...everywhere. It was so impressive I have vowed to...

#4: THE GIFT WRAP! Oh yeah, gift wrapping a cube is the one. Go buy that paper they put on the floors when you paint and go to town and just envelope the whole Cube. HUGE bow is a plus and required. Placing a huge tag on there with FROM: ME TO: [Victim's Name] really adds a personal touch.

#5: Unplug their laptop or computer...childish...oh yeah. But so is working 8-5. This will precipitate a phone call to their Tech department which are usually filled with know it all assholes who find it beneath them to ever visit ur cube. Once they discover (after 10 minutes of troubleshooting everything BUT THE POWER CORD), that the power cord is out, they will shoot them a look of utter disdain that could kill medusa, and then say something quippy like, "Yeah, so next time check the power!" It took them 10 minutes to come to the same conclusion and they are the experts!!! All of this will be played out in front of worth it.

#6: Sign them up for all kinds of SPAM...this is just plain ass mean, but hey, if u got this far, you prolly dont care about that anymore.

#7: Tell everyone it is their Birthday, going as far as to leave a cake mysteriously at their desk. Put up streamers, and balloons. If you can get people to sing them happy birthday as they walk, all the better. Then watch as they tell people it is not their birthday, immediately ruining the good time, or pretend it is and act all uncomfortable. That is when u step in and say, "i thought your birthday was 3 months ago. "

#8: For tech folks....Change their default printer to somewhere on the other side of the floor. After about 10 print jobs, they should get the message.

#9: Put their phone on DO NOT DISTURB. See how long it takes to them to figure out why they are not getting any calls.

#10: Stinky time!!! Place a piece of food (dead fish) somewhere in their cube. The smell will last weeks, the laughter, and ETERNITY!

Remember, don't get caught and have a good time.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Okay..I admit it. I'm hatin!

One of my favorite movies of all time is Ferris Bueller's Day Off. For those not familiar...first, shame on you. Secondly, for this blog all you need to know Ferris is the Johnner Londono of the 80's.

But, before I get to that, a lil about myself. I'm well schooled in the game. I'm a gentleman's hustla. Conversations are always private and discrete unless specifically told to reveal them. I establish clear lines of respect and vary only in specific circumstances. I'm loyal to a fault and I NEVER..EVER hate. Its a waste of time and effort. Haters never win in the end and it is a rule of mine that I am unwilling to compromise. Sadly, my rule has been temporarily suspended.

Although there are many, many more, I will give you 5 very valid reasons why I wake up in the morning with my first thought being, "How can I hate on John London today?" Feel free to add to the list as I am surely not alone.

1. The Clown Shot

If you've ever played ball with London, you know what I mean. If you haven't, allow me to paint a picture for you. Johnny is in the worst shape of any of the people we play with. He tires easily, has NO muscle mass to speak of, and won't run for shit. Oh, and I think he sweats ranch dressing. But some way...some how, without even looking at the fucking rim, he hits all net from half court regularly. He talks shit, tells you that he's gonna throw up some bullshit, shoots it, and breaks your heart with a splash of the net.

2. Women

Most men are fuck ups. Its in our DNA. As ma man Iz said once, we are only separated from our hairy cousins by opposable thumbs and oakleys. However, those of us that have game can pull just about any chick we want. Johnny? He doesn't just pull the finest chick in the club. NOOOO. He goes and pulls the coldest chick from ANOTHER FUCKIN COUNTRY. That being said, London doesn't just stop at screwin that up. Oh no. He goes all right brain creative on that ass to come up with new and more spectacular ways to fuck up a relationship. So, most of us would either be in the doghouse or have to deal with some long emotional ordeal. Not this cat. He goes and gets an EVEN COLDER chick while the last chick still wants to get back. I'm gettin salty just writin about this bullshit.

3. Work

I hear today that this dude just got promoted. I was like "WHAAAAT?" Since I've known him, I've not seen him do a lick...not an iota of work. His old boss once told me that Johnner does two things at his desk...apply lotion so his skin stays soft and eat. I once saw him do a real life Jedi Mind trick on this same boss. Johnner walks up and says "You know I'm off the rest of the week, right?" The boss says "Did you submit that in writing?" Johnner replies "No, I told you already. We talked about this. I'm just reminding you right now." Do you know that goofy dude walked away like " problem." WTF? Seriously?

4. That Bullshit Accent

To me...its broken English and he needs a remedial English course. To every other stupid American who hangs on his nutsack, he's the dude from the Dos Equis commercial. "Stay Thirsty my friends." Now that I think about it...he talks shit like that dude too. Anyway, its like Ricardo Montalban from Fantasy Island. You never really wondered or cared why he was hangin around with a midget on a tropical island cuz he was so fuckin smooth. My point is, he uses that raggedy accent to get over on unsuspecting Americans to feed them a line of bullshit. And it works. I don't know how much more I can write about this....

5. Managing Expectations

This is phrase coined by John London himself though I refuse to give him credit for anything. There's a cat we work with who I'm not sure is a member of the blog, but his name is Jason aka J. J be fallin asleep at meetings, rocks an earring and a mohawk, and keeps a messy desk. Now mind you, I'm not shittin on J cuz I would do the same thing if I had the balls to do it. I'm just settin up the story. Johnny routinely points these things out. Okay, I will give him credit for that cuz its pretty dam funny when he puts J on blast. But I digress. London contrasts this with his own appearance. This cat will roll into work in a 3-piece suit, fresh from head to toe, for no reason at all. He keeps his desk all spic and span and is clean shaven for the most part. Johnner also likes to note this for the higher-ups. It hit me today...I think that shit works! I think he fooled all of the people all of the damned time. I can't stand his ass.

I'm OUT!

Capitalism--it's more than just an economic theory, it's a way of life!

I decided to delve into one of the deepest Latino minds I know personally (shout out to jokeyjokemaker316!) by posing this question: How does one born in Chicago where the democratic party reigns supreme end up a Republican, despite being a Latino.  I got the usual answers I get from all my Republican friends about how the Party values hard work (survival of the fittest) and the freaks are less scandalous and how Republicans believe the role of government isn't to babysit (I'm paraphrasing of course).  I didn't defend or chastise but I did question and pose counter statements (ex. governments fuck up no matter who's in charge).  Overall I got a better understanding of why one man spews bile in the direction of Democrats.  But in my role to drop knowledge I'm here to tell you this: the two party system doesn't work.  What we practice isn't democracy, it's Capitalism.  While one is supposed to be a political theory and the other an economic theory, in reality Capitalism has become a way of life.  This is why there are Islamic extremists that want to blow us to bits.  Much like Islam or Judaism is a way of life, Capitalism has become a way of life for America.  America's constitution calls for an exclusive relationship between religion and all things government.  But our government has established a religion--it's called the Free Market System. 

Here's where I side with our recently ousted Governor.  EVERYTHING in America is for sale.  You can't get something for nothing, even in your most intimate relationships.  The free market system has invaded religion, sex, even charitable giving.  You give a donation, you get a tax break.  We INCENTIVIZE giving because otherwise people wouldn't give.  You can buy organs and even contract with someone to have a child.  Capitalism is our way of life.

Christianity is more of a convenience for America--it's used when it serves a particular purpose.  Listen to the radio on Sunday morning.  You'll have preachers claiming that they will pray for you--if you send in a particular amount of money.  T.D. Jakes will tell you how to make your life better--if you pay for the conference, buy the book and get the CDs.

This is why the two party system does not work.  America's choices are limited to two individuals and the winner is who does the best sales job.  After the shit Ryan pulled, Illinois bought Blago's snake oil.  Obama was a better pitch man than McCain; Bush a better one than both Gore and Kerry (which I'm not sure is a compliment to Bush so much as a dig at Gore and Kerry).  This sales job is so successful because most of the country isn't very bright.  People aren't able to separate fiscal conservatism with societal liberalism.  "He's dumb as a box of rocks and will force the country to go broke by cutting taxes, but he's against gay marriage and I'll be damned if those faggots will get married on my watch!" (said in my best redneck voice).

So since it's broke, how do we fix it?  First we need to understand the idea of Capitalism.  The free-market shouldn't rule all.  It should rule the marketplace.  Our world has become the marketplace, thanks in part to the Internet.  As much as the Internet makes free, if there is high enough demand for it, there will be a cost.  And there are certain things that do not belong in the marketplace.  Real, personal and intellectual property, yes.  Each of us contributing to this blog owns a copyright in our individually created works and if we chose instead to sell our work rather that publish it on the web, that is completely fair and okay by me.  Religion, wombs, organs, and opportunity do not belong in the marketplace.  Some things designed for the improvement of human life simply should not be sold.

Next we need to understand the role of government.  The role of government isn't to babysit.  However it is the role of government to lay the proper foundation to ensure all of its citizens are equal and establish laws to treat them equally.  The government should create a framework within which the people take responsibility for the people.  What does that mean?  It means that rich, poor, Black, white, brown, yellow, tall, short, skinny, fat, skilled or unskilled are all the same in the eyes of the law.  What makes you different shouldn't matter to the government and you shouldn't get special treatment because of your differences.  The people should take it upon themselves to insure that the disadvantaged and disenfranchised are taken care of.  In America we don't always have that, so the government steps in.  This shouldn't be.  No one agrees with welfare until they need it.  But the people have a social responsibility to get together and provide for those sitting in a hole, especially if the reason they are in the hole is not of their own doing (they're disabled, discriminated against, etc.)  It is NOT the role of government to bail out mismanaged companies.  The government should not have to bribe companies into creating jobs (tax cuts); the wealthy have a social responsibility to employ those in search of and with a desire to work.

Our elected officials should not be sales people.  Currently they sell themselves to the electorate.  Then they sell their votes to lobbyists of companies and organizations looking to get money or favor.  This simply cannot be.  The only incentive of our elected leaders should be the conditions of our people.  Blago surely is and was a shady mo-fo.  But consider this: every child in our state can get health insurance.  I certainly understand survival of the fittest, but do we want to punish the children with unfit parents by not giving them basic health coverage?  Or means to get food?  How about housing or clothes?  

There are simply things that cannot be left to the free-market system to take care of.  There has to be something else, because what we have doesn't work.  We need to change our way of life.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

All Jokes Aside...

Okay look, I've seen and heard a lot of chatter about Barack and why it is or is not important that he's black. In fact, I've had these types of discussions all throughout his campaign. Here's my 3 cents on the topic. It matters. A LOT! Let me give you my perspective. Although there's some debate, it appears that American slavery started around the mid-1500's. The 13th amendment was ratified in 1865. In 1896, Jim Crow kicks in with Plessy v. Ferguson. 1954 conjures the image of a little black girl requiring a police escort just to go to school after Brown v. Board of Ed. One year later, Emmit Till is murdered for whistling at a white woman. Keep in mind, this is FIFTY THREE years ago. People are still alive that can tell you how they felt when they found out about it. But I digress, in 1963 MLK, Jr gave the "I have a Dream" speech. In 1972, the Tuskegee Syphilis Experiment ends. For those who don't already know, researchers took 399 black men and injected them with syphilis. The researchers basically let the disease run its course just to see how long it would take for the test subjects to croak. Again, 1972 people. I really could go on and on about the various police brutality cases, crappy schools, general neglect; all of which disproportionately affect black folk.

Don't get it twisted, we do much of the damage to ourselves and I make excuses for no one. I'm relatively conservative on most issues and I think knuckleheads should many times, just stop being knuckleheads. That being said, we were stolen from our homeland, brutally transported across the ocean killing millions in the process, technically enslaved for 400 years, and mentally enslaved for 150 more. Even if I wanted to, it would be impossible for me to trace my ancestry. I don't know which tribe I came from, what language(s) we spoke, what our traditions were, who my ancestors are, or why it even matters. I don't identify with Africans and they don't identify with me. My history starts here, in America. In slavery. My great grandparents help build the country they couldn't take a financial stake in. There are families in America that have generations of money available to them because my ancestors worked and they profited. I'm not asking for any sympathy, the point of this blog is simply to say...It Matters and here's why. We can talk about injustice all day. The Manifest Destiny proposition and The Trail of Tears are just a couple of examples.

All I'm sayin is that a black man is the leader of the free world. That's awesome to me. Hell yeah I believe in him as a man and as a leader. But when I see a black man sitting in the oval office with the weight of the country on his shoulders, I just kinda stop and stare. Its almost like its not real. It matters because I can stop lyin to my baby girls when I tell them that they can become anything they want. It matters because a young black boy who has no parents, no structure, and no role models just might look at Barack and say, "I wanna be like him" rather than the local hustla. It matters because we can have this conversation and people listen now. It matters...well..because I don't have to explain why it matters anymore.

Polly want a cracker?

A little over 10 years ago i decided to move northward to the college town of Madison, WI.  I have a few cousins who have lived here and I use to be very close with one of them.  He took me on as a new partner in crime and we invaded the bar scene every Wednesday through Saturday night.  Every friend that we came in contact with knew that my cousin was half Mexican and that his younger Mexican cousin was moving in from Chicago.

Little did i know, but every idiot that my cousin knew must have taken Spanish I or II in high school.  They would come up to me and try to use whatever opening phrase they could try to squeeze out of their liquor induced new found fluency in the Spanish language.  I would humor them for a moment or two and then would move onto whatever subject i chose to turn the conversation to.

For those of you who do not know me i am not fluent in Spanish.  For whatever reason i never was learned in my native tongue.  However, because of my beautiful mocha latte skin tone and Latin features every dumb ass who would meet me would start speaking in Spanish. 

Why is this?

Do i go up to every person of Irish decent and say hello in Gaelic?  Next time i meet a black person should i greet them in Swahili?  Because some dumb ass is unfortunate enough to be Polish should i say what up to them in Polish?  

One of my ignorant cousins attempted this at the Brickyard mall (R.I.P).  She assumed the manager of one of the stores we were in was of Latin descent and asked him, in Spanish, if she would be able to receive a discount on the clothes she was purchasing.  Turns out the gentleman was from somewhere in the MidEast and had no clue what the fuck she was talking about.

Point being, unless you slept with this person, slept with one of their brothers or sisters, know their parents or know them through a friend of a friend; speak English to them in an attempt to communicate with them for the first time.  If the attempt fails and they speak back to you in a different language, by all means continue the conversation in that tongue should you be so lucky as to speak it.  

Don't get me wrong i am not saying English should be the universal language of our fucked up country.  Everyone should be allowed to speak whatever language it is that they grew up speaking.

But in an attempt to save face for the many of you who may know a different language.  I am just saying this so you can save face and not embarrass yourself for jumping to the conclusion that this person speaks whatever language it is that you think you know.  

Imagine thinking you are Rico Suave and you go up to Jessica Alba to try and spit some game.  Who cares that she has a baby with whatever stud it is that she's with.  She's not married to him.  Because her last name is Alba you think, "Damn, i am in, i took Spanish II in High School and am going to try to woo her with my linguistic skills."  But little did you know that her fine ass does not speak the language and you just blew it because you are a total dumb ass. What a shame.

To quote the late leader of Los Vatos Locos, Montana, "You speak Spanish, guero.  So do parrots."

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Some days u don't...

some days u laugh,some days u don't...

Some days u cry,some days u don't...

Basically what do you do with the days when u 'don't'? Ever add them up and wonder, how you spent all those days doing nothing. It is like an endless road to nowhere that u see in the movies, with storm clouds and lighting terminating one end, and the other leading to the horizon. There you are stuck in the middle, looking at each end, wanting to race from one to other, but just standing there.

Why ever run to the rain?Maybe because the rain will feel good washing over ur face. So u lean a little that way, and let it trickle down ur face, and then u run back, and just hope you didnt go to far into that storm. I feel like we spend way too much running into that storm exploring our masochistic side. I mean, it took no arm twisting to get 50 signs that you should run from that bitch/asshole. Despite people always saying they would never do that to themselves, they do. We all do. Probably has something to do with ego, or just because we want the challenge, or maybe we are just afraid and dont have the strength to move. Despite, knowing there is a sunny end, sometimes we don't run to it, we just stand there, in the middle, until that middle is buried under rain, getting pounded by hail.

The bright side is that the sun is there...just mere steps away. So pick urself up, and start walking. Believe that the journey is short and it is, or stay your ass under that torment. Take that abuse, and begin to believe that the cloud will never leave u. Fight for your right to party, or just continue to stay your ass at home and pretend that i will change on its own. Your in the middle of the road, and u better start running...

Damn, went existential again.


Monday, January 26, 2009

So your buddy has some tickets to your favorite teams big playoff game. What extremes would you go through to get a hold of those tickets. Let's take a look at one guy who would almost do anything to get his hands on those tickets. My question to you is how far would you go?

Smile..your earned it... Part VI

It has been a while, i know, but i feels like you all deserve something to make u laugh. Now, we all know I am behind my boy from the southside all the way. Still, I kinda chuckle how people have lost their muthafuckin minds calling him Black Jesus, or the Anti-Christ. Hey, wake the fuck up, he is a good dude, trying to do good things. Let the man work. Anyway, since there is so much love out there for Barack, I feel like we need some satire...and for that i go with my man TUBESTEAK!!!!
Remember, raise a glass to yourselves, your good people, and you deserve it.

Friday, January 23, 2009

Who's Hot Friday

I thought I'd bring a little light-hearted fun to the blog today...

Every Friday at 3:30pm, we drop what we're doing and pop out of our cubicles for "Who's Hot Friday". We gather the best of the week's fashion mag cover shots and take a highly unscientific poll. So, let's hear your votes:

Round 1: Jessica Simpson (cover of Marie Claire) or Kate Winslet (cover of InStyle).

Round 2: Jenna Fischer (cover of SELF) or Eva Longoria (cover of Glamour).

Send in your votes (and tell us why). We'll pit the winners against each other.

Shocking Developments

This has yet to be confirmed, but I feel like I've been added to the list of contributors to this blog for one reason and one reason only:  to drop knowledge.  We have people to make jokes, people who rant about random things, and even people that will stir your soul with recommendations of where to go, what to watch and what you should be eating and why.  Not my job.  Don't want to step outside my role.  I write things that make you go..."DAMN."  So without further ado...

There is a bill in the Illinois Assembly as I write that will grant same sex couples the same rights and privileges of heterosexual couples.  From what I can tell it doesn't go as far as granting the right to MARRY, but it does allow for civil unions, which essentially means that for all purposes under Illinois law the term "spouse" can also mean "partner" (unless they re-write all the laws which we know ain't happenin).

Now I know you're saying "that ain't making me say 'DAMN'."  Well let me get to that.

First, such a thing will never happen on a national level because the 43rd president signed a law which basically says that marriage = man + woman for the purposes of federal law.  This same law even says that (in contrast to the US Constitution) if one state makes gay marriage legal, and two people marry in that state, another state doesn't have to recognize the union if it doesn't want to.  This is a big deal considering the 43rd president won several states in 2004 on the issue of gay marriage.  There continues to be a big deal about gay marriage across the country, but in my humble opinion gay marriage is politically irrelevant.  (Did he just say that?  DAMN!)

We live in a country that supposedly separates church and state.  Laws are stricken down because of this distinction (ex. the Illinois law allowing for "moments of silence" in schools was ruled unconstitutional recently because it violated the Establishment clause of the US constitution).  This is key for me in the gay marriage argument because you really can't argue AGAINST gay marriage without bringing in religion.  Note that the issue is gay MARRIAGE, not GAYNESS.  So saying "it's unnatural" or "it wasn't Adam and Steve" is just stupid.  We're talking about the right of two people to decide under the law that they want to spend the rest of their lives together, not whether or not it's okay for two people of the same sex to like each other.  Indeed many states that used to have laws against sodomy have had those laws stricken from the books as unconstitutional.  Thus the law ALREADY says it's okay to BE gay or to have homosexual sex.

Marriage in the US is made of two parts: the legal (getting the marriage license from the state) and the ceremonial/religious.  Most religions frown upon the idea of homosexuality, so if the churches choose not to marry same sex couples I have no problem with that.  But what are the real reasons behind not allowing two people of the same sex to obtain a marriage license from the state?  Marriage is not considered to be a fundamental right under the US constitution, so the government is allowed to restrict the right to marriage for just about any reason.  It doesn't even have to be a good one.  But those that wish to restrict this right often point to justifications that sound religious.  Many of our laws are based on societal mores (for example we view killing people without justification as wrong so we have a law against murder; stealing is wrong so we have laws against burglary and robbery) and often those mores are based in religion, Christianity in particular.  To deny people ANY right or privilege (as opposed to restricting bad behavior) based on "societal mores" with roots in religion is flat out wrong in a place where we supposedly separate our politics and our prayer.  I'm glad Illinois is finally getting something right in the realm of politics.

In other news, Illinois is also deciding whether or not to get rid of the death penalty.  If the law passes, anyone with a death sentence will get life in prison.

This upsets me because now my state tax dollars will go to feed and house these criminals for the rest of their days.  At least there was a chance the bastard would die at some point.  But the problem with the death penalty is that it's given out but rarely executed (no pun intended).  There are all sorts of arguments as to why we should or why we should not have the death penalty, but the fact is this punishment is only given for the worst crimes.  Maddoff won't get the death penalty for stealing, but if he raped and killed the people he swindled then yes he likely would be sentenced to death.

Part of the problem is deciding who "deserves" to die and even better, who gets to decide and why do they get to decide?  Punishment is usually determined by judges--why are they so special that they get to decide who lives and who doesn't?  To me it's very simple: if you take a life, or make someone else's life so miserable that death would be the better alternative, they you get the death penalty.  Period.  I'm a huge proponent of the Golden Rule; it should apply to punishment as well.  But we're supposed to be more evolved than that.  Eye for an Eye is what those crazy Muslim third world countries do.  That CAN'T be the United States.

Well it should be.  You rape someone, you get to be someones bitch in prison.  You kill someone you die.  You kill a child, you should suffer before you die.  You rape a child, I'm not sure there is a level of equivalent cruelty.   The point is, Illinois HAS to get rid of the death penalty, not because we're so evolved, but because we can't figure out when, where or even how to use it.  Black men used to be strug up with their balls cut off and stuffed in their mouths while people gathered around to watch.  Today that's cruel and unusual punishment.  Now we can't give lethal injections because THAT'S inhumane.  Is there really a humane way to kill someone?  Did the bum think of that shit when he/she was killing/maiming/harming their victim?

When being important, really isn't important

I realized the other day that I am not a serious dude. Nope, can't say that when I wake up I run to the Tribune and try to read World News, then put on my tweed coat and wax on about the ills of the world. NO, I would much rather laugh. Weird concept I know, but I believe there are enough people out there pretending to sound important, and they really don't need me adding my hot wind to the mix. So today, I am bringing you reviews...
What will I be reviewing? Don't be so damn lazy and just read on....

LUMEN - The Night Club - 839 W. Fulton - Have you ever been to a European Night Club? Like one of those joints u imagine being tucked into a cooler in the back of a Japanese Restaurant and only like ultra hip people know about it...well that is the vibe you get from this joint. It is sparse, wide open and definitely ultra cool. Cover...10 bucks. Taking a date their to listen to Electro Dance Music...priceless. Just to pretend to act cool is almost worth it. In reality, u have to love Electro Dance, but the place is beautiful. Simple, elegant, and definitely trendy.

DJ Trancid - Dark Wave Disco - - for those fans of electro/ u go. Thank me later. Hell, thank this guy...i highly recommend the skyline mix. See this man, and his DWD crew live, they are impressive. Throughout the night they kept spinning club bangers...legit club bangers, not that euro pop shit that is shoved down our throats. To add to it, the three of them would take turns switching off and bringing with their style and personality with each rotation. Trancid for his part is very electro, and would bring the more hardcore electro, almost industrial beat. Great set gentleman, even though i had to get past the Robert Smith haircuts. LIVING THINGS - BOM BOM BOM (Boyz Noize Remix)...

Obama Inauguration Celebration - HBO - Very nicely done. It was a classic big boy rally done in probably the coolest place you can have a rally. If you have never been to DC let me tell you, the reflecting pool and all the monuments that make up the space are ridiculous. Did I have a Forrest Gump moment? Yeah, what can I say, I love that movie. Here are my more specific thoughts:
SHAKIRA...PLEASE NO!!! Stop singing in English, each note detracts from your legacy. You are getting close to be a joke with your goat voice. I love you. No, seriously, i will run away with you if u even look in my direction, but even i can't stand ur English singing voice. Are you beautiful? MOS DEF! Sexy...YEP!!! CAn you sing in English? NOT A FUCKING NOTE! Then you decide to tackle a Stevie song. I was half expecting Simon Cowell to rip you after the performance. Michelle Obama's face said it did Barack's...he never took his eyes off ur leather clad ass...hell neither did i. I just happen to be listening to the performance on surround sound, so I couldnt avoid ur voice.
BARACK...just keep talking. Do what you do, because u are great so far. Too many people are freaking that we are hyping Mr. O too much, but doesn't that speak to more to the Fuck up he is following? People are hyping that you're awesome because your black...I am concentrating on the fact I have belief in you, and it has nothing to do with your Black.
U2....AND said the 'p' word. HAHA..nice. So someone is not afraid to the take the side of the poor people getting bombed on in this stupid conflict. Oh, do i totally blame the Star of David folks..HELLS NO! Just that one day, in the future, we are going to look back and say, wow...what the fuck were we thinking. Great set too...Pride and in the Name of love...sick shit.
Stevie...just do what u do and do it well.

Beyonce - Single Ladies - Please never write another song. Just don't. Oh, and you looked stunning during the Inaugural Celebration, except your mom should really stop dressing u. Your are a stunningly Beautiful woman...please just dont write anymore songs, and tell ur mom to grow up.

Nip/Tuck - FX - No idea how i left this off the shows to watch list. Thanks Omar for helping me out there. Anyway, just watch the show. I won't beat u over the head about this...great show, weird stories, and good acting. Porn Star meth heads!!!

TheWrestler - Mickey Rourke/Marissa Tomei - Please watch this movie if you like acting and the plight of human tragedy. Fantastic movie, and even though Marissa was totally miscast, THANK THANK THANK YOU for being in this movie. Yes she can act, and yes she is insanely hot. Give me this woman any day...naturally beautiful and obscenely hot. I need to take seat.

DELIRIUM TREMENS BEER - Jaks Tap - ...find it, drink it...become a cult follower. So smooth and almost 10% alcohol per serving. PLEASE...find this muthafucka!!!

like liquidy water

Thursday, January 22, 2009

FINAL! More signs that u should run from that bitch/asshole: THE END!

Well like any dysfunctional ass relationship, this finally ends! I mean keep posting keep grooving, but really we should move on. Thanks to all my freaks out there who helped me out with this. You may not believe this, but I added maybe one comment to the list. ONE! Oh, have some happened to me...MOS DEF. This was driven by you, the classiest of readers. The originals are found in old posts.

I thank you all very much and I am sure there are daters/married people out there who are thanking you. In all seriousness, life is way too short to bother with a psycho. Enjoy life, enjoy the shit out of it. Here are the last of the official: Signs that you should leave that bitch/asshole!

Part I, Part 2, Part III are here for a refresher course.

From Jokey
Sign #41: Women who hit you when they are mad. I call you a jerk, you call me a jerk back. Thats how it works. At no time should punches be introduced, because I am pretty sure I can outpunch you JERK.

Sign #42: Men or women with massive debt. This cloud will rain on you for the duration of your relationship. Men with alimony payments/child support/escalade payments are pretty much damaged goods. As are women whose husbands used to take them to france for breakfast. Who or what can fulfill these wild expectations in this economy? Yeah he used to let you shop all day long? Then why did he get rid of your ass?

Sign #43: Pushovers. men or women you can call on for favors/loans/booty. Their only power is the power to make you feel bad about what a bad person you are. They turn the harsh gaze of cruelty backon you, and make you feel bad for it. They are good for your overall development, but just not too much at once. Kinda like heroin.

From theHERAS
Sign #44: They are not over their EX. They talk about them, hang, vacation...the works. The EX is part of the family and they have known each other their whole lives.

(ie. TAKEN FROM EXPERIENCE You start dating them thinking, "no biggie" then come to find out they take a family vacation together to Mexico. They come back from the vacation "a month later" and claim nothing happens. You continue to "believe and date them" come to find out months later they have been cheating on you the whole time with the ex. *In this case one is a psycho and the other an idiot for putting up with it.)

From iz3y!

Sign #45: They have an entire conversation with you. Details, slurs, yelling, crying, hell even a soliloquoy on the fact that if ur dad's sperm never met your mom's eggs, the world will be a better place. Yet later on, they have no recollection of ever having said a single word, that left u bewildered and mad. Going so far as to act like everything is good and you're as happy as they now seem to be!

Sign #46: They intentionally make you mad, then are suprised when you get mad, to the point they are now angrier, and blaming you for making them angry.

Sign #47: They flirt with ur friends/neighbors/family and have no idea why you would be upset.

Sign #48: They ask for weird ass shit for you to do, then show utter shock when you say it is not possible. For example:
"Why don't we drive an escalade?"
"Why do they have a nicer house than us?"
"Can we rent a private jet like on TV?"

GET A FUCKING JOB LOSER that will pay for all that!

Sign #49: They say they are crazy, mentally disturbed, or speak to themselves and disagree! I mean that shit is obvious. Do not laugh it off!

Sign #50: Alternative ending to #45 and inevitable ending this whole damn list...they expect you to apologize for it all. should apologize for them acting like they have no sense!

WE DID IT....WE DID IT....WE HIT 50!!!

This is like that scene in Breakin when the street kids save Miracles from the Developers!!!!

Thank you so much...feel free to keep adding, because as I said, you might be saving someone time, trouble, headaches, and years of pscyhiatry bills.

I leave you with a great song from the DOORS - THE END!


Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Even more signs that u should run from that bitch/asshole: READER'S Edition II

So the train hasn't stopped because my people have continued to contribute. It is like there has been a social awakening about this subject. The outpouring has been great. Here are even more tips to help you decide if you need to put on some Nikes and run from that bitch/asshole. izcorp! proudly presents PART III tips 31-40 of this impressive list....

Part II is here and Part I

From LadyP
Sign #31: They give you background on his/her life and name all the places they have lived...then you probe and find out they didn't actual live there they were moved during their incarceration.

From Jokey
Sign #32: They are whiny bitches. You really start to believe that after they get that: job, car, house, record deal, degree, big break; they will grow up a bit. It never happens

Sign #33:
People with no Mind Filters - aka people who bring up super-secret shit in conversations that are shocking. EX. After I had my first of 4 abortions, I had a hard time having an orgasm. I almost fell out of my chair!

Sign #34:
People that are stuck - people who will complain day and night about their mate, but do nothing to improve their relationship

Sign #35: Quitters - these are people who'se flight-or-fight response is stuck on flight. You argue, and they run to their mommy's house. I had a crazy bitch that would run around the block, and crouch by the garbage cans in the alley looking into my yeard.

Sign #36: She treats you like a placeholder - You are a temporary solution to a problem such as, but not limited to: Fill in Male/Female Role modelaka - mommy or daddy is not aroundCo-signer - they need to move out of their home/car/trailer, and need your credit to do it, and they will fuck you, untill something batter comes along

Sign #37: People with Helicopter parents. The rentals are always around, and they seem to know if/when/what you guys argur about and actively defend their son/daughter.

Sign #38: Bitches- male and female people who are unhappy with their current lives, and take it out on you. Maybe they dreamed that by 30 they would be millionaires, but life doens't always turn out like that.

From StrawberyKiss
Sign #39: Men/Women who readily admit to sleeping around to get what they want when their boyfriends are at the table.

From theHeras
Sign #40: They tell you to stop saving so that you can pay THEIR bills.

This list keeps growing and the number of people we can potentially save keeps growing in parallel!

in the trenches in the raging war

More signs that u should run from that bitch/asshole: READER'S edition

The People have spoken and have added more tips that could invariably save your life. If you missed the first part click here. I had to list these out as a separate post because they were so good. The original text can be found in the comments section of the first post. ENJOY, and remember, these could save you a lot of time and trouble.

From Pumps:
Sign #14: The power handshake. Greeting any of your friends who are members of their same sex (read: potential competition) with a handshake that would cripple Superman. I've seen ladies handle this differently...more subtle, but the up/down stare of disapproval is just as crazy/weird/uncalled for.

Sign #15: Turning every discussion into what you've done wrong in your whole relationship. Mind you, this is usually fiction, but in their is reality. And the discussion could be over dish soap, but you "always" do fill-in-the-blank.

From Strawberry Kiss
Sign #16: Someone who asks you to describe in detail the full anatomy of your exes has some issues you might want to look out for. no, seriously, he made me draw charts and graphs...

From Jokey
Sign #17: her mom hits on you

Sign #18: she hits you with a bat, and then runs when you swing at her

Sign #19: she tries to hit you with a car

From theHeras
Sign #20: Threats of how they will never let you be happy and will make your life miserable during and after break-up. (For example -They also find a way to call your job and tell your boss of what you have done to get you fired.)Don't forget about this one...the most important one...AFTER THE BREAK-UP...

Sign #21: They get their family members and friends to call and harass you about why you broke up and what happened. A persusive essay is needed as to why your decision is the correct one with sufficient supporting evidence and documentation.

Sign #22: Occasionaly texts and e-mail sent to you by your psycho ex saying that they miss u and reassuring that u did not change your mind.

Sign #23: Even after the restraining order and the numerous posters with their face WARNING the community at large he or she is not allowed on the premises, they still manage to miss the MAIN IDEA HINT: STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME...and continue to find creative ways to pursue and get their way (ex.

Sign #24: After you are married with children and you manage to move on with you're life you get a random e-mail, text, or phone call stating you were "the best thing that EVER HAPPENED to them" and they "WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU."

From Schweezy
Sign #25: The girl/boyfriend that says "I didn't want to be the first to say it but I love you." after dating for only 3 or 4 weeks. Scary!!!! What ever happened to getting to know someone a little better first?

From LadyP
Sign #26: Classic Cock Block-They constantly send u flowers at work knowing damn well yall ain't together no more just to put doubt in someone you just might be seeing at work...(wait not seeing anyone at work). Quit wasting your money...

Sign #27: Blow Off-Also, for some reason as if you cared, when you blow them off and make them realize you don't want them anymore they send you naked pics...first of themselves as if I wanted to see that stuff in the first place, then when no response, of other females to piss u off, THEN if no reaction...constant calling. [ed note...grand prize winner for strangest shit i have ever heard of in my life!!!]

Sign #28: WARNING!!! When the guys own brother tells u he is no good, he isn't hating...he's tellin the truth...

Sign #29: PLAYA or LOSER-When at first they admit to having one kid...then two years later they have 5!? WTF?

From iz3y!
Sign #30: Your Family has a nasty nickname for your 'bitch'/'asshole' other half. I mean, not something endearing, but something that describes them as a total loser. Do not ignore that...they are not trying to be cute or funny. They are trying to holler at you!!!

Bonus!!!! from LadyP
Not even sure how this is useful but....
Culture Shock-friend met a guy from Lebanon AND Muslim...on first date he told a story about how he was in prison there and father and brother BOMBED it to get him out...RUN, RUN far away!!! AND as some of you may know an Indian guy keeps proposing marriage to me and tells me that we don't need to know each other, just marry and move to India...YEAH RIGHT, RUN, RUN, RUN...

WE DID IT...WE DID IT...30 down...can we hit 50? Remember, this is a service and we are helping people out here!!!

trembling like pond during a rain (when u read all of these u have to)

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

10 signs that u should run from that bitch/asshole! + 3 bonus tips!

Due to the current climate of dating, i felt the need to share some advice/stories/tips from my single/divorced people. Please feel free to laugh ur ass off, but also use this knowledge. Print this out, laminate it, and take it with you on EVERY DATE! It could potentially save u tons of time and money. Plus, you won't wake up feeling like a complete failure! This is izcorp! guaranteed.

SIGN #1: They call ur friends to know where you are at, even after you gave them an initnerary. Then, they call another one of ur friends to make sure that the first friend told them the truth, and all the while they are sitting outside the club in their PJs or at a club themselves with someone else.

They give you absolutely no private time whatsoever for fear you might...insert dramatic pause... think about anything else except them. IE....walking in the bathroom whilst showering/or on the can. Constantly hanging around u, no matter where u go and then acting bewildered when u ask for just an hour of space.

: Marks you as territory. From the classy NAMEPLATE in old english, to posting pix on YOUR FACEBOOK/My SPACE site of themselves or making it mandatory that your do you to ensure those 'bitches'/'assholes' know that you're with them. This also includes the CLUB HOVER (never leaving your side) and the PUBLIC STARE DOWN (no matter where ur at, the face always says your with them, accentuated with murderous intent).

SIGN #4:
Changing their physical appearance in a drastic way. Like you say, wow that actress is cute, and they take it as, I need to dye my hair blonde like that bitch for you to like me? Or threatening to shave their head if break up with them. Or guys screaming, "I can kick his 6 pack ass...i dont need to look like that...fuck u if u think i do"...and all u said was..."Wow...#87 made a great catch." This also includes suggesting matching outfits. Also, tattooing your name on themselves, and your not married or dead. Hell you havent even declared love, but they feel if you know how serious they are about you, u will grow to love them.

SIGN #5:
Makes wedding plans on your third date. I know, some of u are all like, well some people just know. You might be a psycho! Serious, at date three it is nice to dream about one day being married to 'someone', not plan out how the doves will be released with the you!

SIGN #6:
Calling repeatedly using 2 min intervals, ensuring that u can't possibly have or do anything meaningful. Calling despite just talking to you, because 'they forgot to tell u something'. Calling so often, they might as well not have hung up, which is what they want. They are using ur cell as a bugging device and letting that 'bitch'/'asshole' ur with that u belong to them. Your parents and church group just chuckle!

Sign #7:
Texting you having a complete convo with themselves where there is no interaction on ur part. They work themselves up into a lather, and play all the parts in this sick twisted movie showing in their head. The worst part is that in their head it was all real, even ur answers that never existed.

Sign #8: Breaking into your personal records. Yep, like a spy they feel that if they just go through all your records they are sure they will find ur affair out. This includes your MY SPACE/FACEBOOK wall posts and messages, email accounts, cell records, and even your credit card and bank statements. When they find nothing, they keep looking periodically for the time they will.

Sign #9:
Making plans knowing u have plans, and then acting hurt because u don't want to hang with them, and surprised that u have plans.

Sign #10:
The CHEATERS MOVE!!! They have a fine looking friend try to flirt with you or pick u up at a club and then either watch or report back to them at a later date. They hope by tempting u, they will prove ur piece of shit.

Sign #11: They hold ur means of communication (cell) hostage. I mean they know best right and really, who do you need to talk to?

Sign #12:
They wait for you at ur families house for you to arrive. No timetable, no warning, because they know ur going to return there and they really want to talk.

Sign #13:
They wonder who ur trying to look good for when u go workout? This also extends to calling u names like Slut or whore, for applying make up, perfume, cologne!

Keep ur head on a swivel for real. I know circumstances are unique and yes, maybe ur woman/man is different, but just in case, u have the list!!!

PLEASE ADD MORE, help the cause!

free flowing like water,

Monday, January 19, 2009


"Educatio est omnium efficacissima forma rebellionis!" The English translation means "Education is the most effective form of rebellion". The moral of this quote is that much more can be accomplished with a book rather than a bat. The system itself cannot be beaten by simply dropping out and having a middle finger attitude. To truly make a difference, you need not only angst, but also a firm foundation on what makes the system what it is. Past revolutionaries (Che, King Jr, Gandhi....) all knew how to use the system to their advantage and bring about change. Society loves stupid people because they are so easy to control. To truly make a difference organize with the tools that truly bring about change: Education and Unity. The sheep (sheeple or people in general) are force fed crap everyday via the media. Unfortunately, they take it all in with their mouths open wide. The uneducated cannot tell the difference between truth and lie, instead they tend to believe everything that is broadcasted without even questioning it. Everyday the system is unjust and unfair. Without education, and unity, this massive corporate lobbied tax hijacked machine can never be re-tooled. It is up to YOU to make the changes needed to improve YOUR society. It is time to stand for what you believe in, and be heard. Ignorance is the single greatest tool of oppression.

RoboJesus and the Purple Prancing Ponies

Friday, January 16, 2009

Who Is Alien Jesus?

Alien Jesus isn’t anything new, but at the same time he’s the most revolutionary concept in religious thought since the Original Jesus. And that’s no suprise, since they’re one and the same! How can this be? Brothers and Sisters, let me tell you the fundamental facts about Alien Jesus:

Roughly two thousand years ago, Original Jesus (or O.J.) came to Earth from a galaxy far, far away. His race’s scientists genetically engineered a human fetus for O.J. so he would appear human. O.J.’s consciousness was transferred into the fetus, and it was implanted in the womb of the woman we now know as the Virgin Mary. O.J. taught a message of peace and love that was honed over years of research by his people’s finest philosophers, social engineers, and advertising executives. He slowly accumulated a small but devoted group of followers, who could be counted upon to spread his message once he departed. O.J. manipulated Judas into betrayal as a pretext for him to leave our planet and move on to the next. Once entombed, O.J.’s people began the preparations for him to reoccupy his true body. After three days, it was time for O.J. to reoccupy his true form. His consciousness was seen departing our world, and many humans took this as proof of his true divinity. Over the intervening twenty centuries, O.J.’s original message has been perverted and twisted to fit the needs of self serving men who saw the opportunity for money, sex, and power. But Jesus is coming back just as promised, and he knows that mankind is ready to accept him in his true form…that of ALIEN JESUS!

Fucked up quotes from random folks

I was browsing the web looking for blog fodder, when I came upon some really funny and some inappropriate things that have come out of peoples minds and mouths. I submit them here for your enjoyment or disgust:

"Stop Abortion, Kill Sluts"
"Its Not Gay If You Beat Them Up Afterwards"
"My Life Is A Very Complicated Drinking Game"
"The Black Man Is Keeping Me Down"
"I Pound Beers For Jesus"
"You Can't Have Manslaughter Without Laughter"
"Lets Get Fucked Up Like The Economy"
"I'd Rather Be Snorting Cocaine Off A Hookers Ass"
"I Only Support Gay Marriage If Both Chicks Are Hot"
"Swallow Or Its Going In Your Eye"
"I Shaved My Balls For This"
"Kill Yourself, All The Cool Kids Are Doing It"
"If A Fat Girl Falls In The Forest, Do The Trees Laugh"
"Thousands Of My Potential Children Died On Your Daughters Face Last Night"
"Santa Rubs Your Toothbrush With His Balls"
"I Fucked Sarah Palin By Voting For Barack Obama"
"Dont Mess With Texas Its Not Nice To Pick on Retards"
"Gay Jesus Offends Christians"
"Save Gas, Ride The Handicapped"
Your Mom, Rated E For Everyone"
"Slavery Gets Shit Done"

Sad but True

Back in 1990, the Government seized the Mustang Ranch brothel in Nevada for tax evasion and, as required by law, tried to run it. They failed and it closed. Now we are trusting the economy of our country to a pack of nitwits who couldn't make money running a whore house and selling booze.


The Pew Hispanic Center published a report that basically confirms what many of us in the Latino community already know… an overwhelming majority of US born Latinos are fluent in English. And about a quarter of Latino immigrants indicated that they speak English very well.
The propaganda machine tends to make it appear like we are unwilling to assimilate and learn English, but the empirical evidence once again shows otherwise. English is the language of power in this world, and Chinese will probably become an even more important language in business and commerce in the future. I don’t think that anyone has anything to worry about Latino Americans not acquiring the English language. After a few generations, most of us cease speaking Spanish altogether, which probably isn’t a good thing considering globalization.

ADHD Manifesto

So, I was trying to think of a running title for my blog contributions when I thought to myself, "self, you never have a central theme to your posts. It's like you have ADHD." And just like that, I bring you volume one, edition 1, page 1 of the ADHD Manifesto. Okay, pages are overdoing it a bit but I like to be thorough about these things.

1. I'm more disappointed than ever with professional athletes. Let's put this into perspective. your God given abilities give you access to resources only 5% of the entire world gets to enjoy, if that. Now, these abilities aren't solving world hunger or global warming. Noooo...athletes aren't even asked to balance the national debt. Even better, they don't even have to do their own damned grocery shopping. They run. They jump. They shoot, swing, drive, skate, etc., better than anyone else on planet earth. That's it. Most of them can't even form complete thoughts when asked a simple question, let alone sentences. Here's the million dollar question....why don't they do that and shut the fuck up?!?!? Instead...I get a lecture on respect of all things. Really? That's today's topic of choice? Okay fine. But just remember, you started it.

Respect is not having to hear commentators gushing about a guy just because he stays after practice to shoot jumpers for an hour. HE PLAYS BASKETBALL FOR A LIVING! He gets a check for shooting jumpers. Shouldn't he want to make them? Respect is not having to hear baseball analysts tell me that some slob showed up 20 lbs. lighter and as a result, is going to have the best season of his career. Is it me? Am I being too critical to note that he was already 40 lbs. overweight and he plays baseball for a living?? Respect is not having to hear football analysts tell me that a football player who's just been arrested, apologizes for fucking up better than anyone else. First, no he doesn't. My 3 year old apologizes better than anyone else after she draws a stick figure on her wall in crayon. Lil windex...stern talking to....lil forethought to have painted her room with easy to clean paint. No foul. She's 3! On the other hand, apologizing after displaying what can only be described as utter stupidity by a grown ass man, unacceptable.

I think all athletes need to start their grade school careers with a class in personal and professional respect. Bring in some DUI victims, some homeless people who ride the train cuz they have nowhere else to go, athletes that compete with missing limbs and other disabilities. Then and only then, do I wanna hear from any professional athlete about "respect."

Stay tuned for my Roland Burris raised eyebrow blog....

Rants, the Cubicle edition

In honor of Iz3y's Rants, I thought I'd offer up my top 5 pet peeves at work...please add to the list. I know you're dying to vent it:

I. Mobile device addicts. I know they're necessary. You need to be in the loop. But please, people...control yourselves. You don't need to check the weather five times in one meeting. You are not going to change it. Also, I hate to be the one to tell you...shhhhh...I know it hurts....You're not that fucking important. You're not in a position to be so rude to your commrades that you can't possibly be expected to be mentally present. Check your email/text/soduku...then put the fucking thing down and listen.

II. No-talent jackasses getting promoted. I can't really even wrap my head around this one. I'll leave it to the group to elaborate, but we all know this happens. Maybe the solution is to start an anonymous list of individuals who should NEVER be allowed to run shit. HR departments around the world would be required to cross-reference applicants with this list. Desk jockey, OK. Manager? HELL no.

III. Food days. Don't get me wrong. I love food, and I love to share good food with friends. My gripe here is the complexity with which some people approach a food day at work. Do we really need a theme, 5 emails, a color-coded signup sheet, 4 verbal reminders and someone doing a mass shout-out down the hall to remember our veggies and dip? I think there's something seriously wrong with people who derive such a sense of accomplishment from organizing enough food to feed the group 3 times over. It's annoying. It's not a competition, so get over yourself. Life does NOT need to be this complicated. May you forget your home-made triple chocolate chip pizzas at home next time.

IV. Idea Regurgitation. You all know what I'm talking about here. Someone articulates a great idea...the group loves it, they nod, and the meeting moves on. Then, some jackass (probably on a blackberry) decides to enlighten the room with sheer brilliance. I mean, his face says it all ...."damn, I am a fucking GENIOUS! This is the greatest idea in the WORLD!! I have single-handedly saved the company". Meanwhile, the whole room stares awkwardly while they try to find the words. Um, yes, Bob. That's what we agreed to 20 minutes ago, BOB. Get off your FUCKING Crackberry, BOB!

V. No-boundary bathroom weirdos. Now, everyone has their own boundaries, but there are some universal truths when it comes to bathroom etiquette at work. It is NOT ok to park in the stall and talk to your best friend about your ex's new hoochie. And, for that matter, I really don't want to know that your house is undergoing foreclosure, you think your sister got pregnant to trap someone, or whatever else Jerry Springer shit is going on in your life. Why do you feel the need to talk about all this on the phone, while peeing, in a room with strangers? Number Two, pun intended: If there is an entire bank of stalls, it is not polite to choose the one right next to me. Seriously, I have been peeing by myself for 30+ yrs. I'd like to keep it that way.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Rants Vol III

I. So here we are getting closer and closer to a new Era. On Tuesday, Barack is going to put his hand on the bible and swear to be the best President he can be. Their will be a celebration and people are going to rock out. The country, then and only then, will move into this new era of hope. We will transition from the evil Republican party to the promise of change brought to you by Democratic Party. Planet rejoices, the US has a black president...


Wow are we the most conceited country on this planet or is just me? Who the fuck cares about the color of his skin? Just be a good leader, and attempt to reverse this wave of negativity and economic downturn. IF you have time, try to figure out why the WIRE was cancelled.

II. What the hell is with this weather we are having in Chicago. I know, how the hell do you rant about the weather. Who am I complaining to? Simple, when it gets this ridiculously cold, I have the right to freak out. I mean, come on, -17...really ..-17. If it wasn't for my love of this city and utter hate for fucking people from Florida, I would be living there right now.

III. Why do people think it is ok to work from home? Serious...WORK FROM HOME? Why do we have offices then? Why take the time to contruct cubes, throw up drywall, and build sophisticated networks so that people can work, when they can just work from home? Oh, I know because people swear that they get more work done at home than at work. Here is an off the wall about u learn to manage your time better and get your work done at work? You know when you are at home, more work is coming in here. Sure you knocked out that report and watched Oprah in your PJs...but there is more work to do. It is ridiculous to hear, this lame story about not being distracted at home and that you can focus better. Just call it what it is and say you want a Vacation day without taking the time, but please dont try to sell me this bullshit.

IV. Here is why men lie...because WOMEN CANT HANDLE THE TRUTH! [insert diatribe about how women are irrational, hormonal, and emotional] Whew...and further more..[insert comments about how women have been conditioned to think illogically] And to sum it up...we just don't want the grief. Women can't understand that men do dumb shit with other men because we can. We are overgrown monkeys who only have a leg up on our simien brothers because we have opposable thumbs and sharper clothes. WE CAN PLAY BAGS FOR THREE HOURS!!! SURE WE CAN VENT WHILE WATCHING SPORTS AND NEVER MENTION THE REAL PROBLEM! AND YES, WE CAN SPEND AN ENTIRE AFTERNOON/NIGHT ON FANTASY SPORTS/CARDS/DRINKING/BULLSHITTING without it being a grand declaration of independence from your draconian (read blood sucking) rule. Wait...that last part might be a lie...but I am sure you are already deciphering that and KNOW the real meaning.

V. Pineapple anyone seen it? This is the first movie, in my long, and illustrious career that I couldn't finish. Just couldn't do it and I am wondering if I am the only one. Seth Rogan...we got like to smoke weed and are a total fuck up. Can we get another character out of you? Wait, can we get our first character out of you? Do you even know the camera is rolling or are they just getting u really high and what we are seeing is the result of u freaking out because it was some good shit. James Di Franco...u can't act, but this had to have been ur best role. Though I am sure you were high as hell and had no idea. I am almost dead certain Judd Apatow took exception with Spielberg and Lucas when they decided the American Public was stupid, and released that Bizarro Indiana Jones on us knowing they would rake in billions of dollars. The Apatow crew prolly figured it could just get real high, film a series of random acts, sans script or direction, and do the same. Worst case, they might get to see Rosie Perez's tits...totally not worth it.

VI. When someone is really dumb or does continual dumb ass things do you tell them straight away? Is it like not waking a sleep walker when they are sleepwalking, or should u just shock the system? Case in point, Rod Blagojevich...I would normally rant on an athlete, but u G-Rod...u slay me. Ur dumb ass lucked into a politcally powerful family, and were so easily controlled, they made u governor. Great job, crazy power, and all they wanted u to do was wave, live in the mansion once in a while and try not to get caught doing something stupid.

Instead u alienate your power base, and decide you are kingpin and tried to make kingpin moves. You would think your wife would step in and help you...NOPE. She had her hopes and dreams too and wanted to make her moves! You're basically Shane Vendrell from the Shield. A moron who thought he was a criminal genius. Being a CUB fan did not help. Dude, do not warn people about being bugged, WHEN UR BEING BUGGED!

Oh, and Adam 'Pacman" Jones, Dont think I forgot about u. How many times are you gonna fuck up? Oh I know you are not the brightest bulb, but come on man. You had a four person security team around you and that didnt work. RIDICULOUS!!! Strip club incidents, another strip club incident...and yet another strip club incident. Either stop going, or open ur own on an island...u have that option!

VII: When did it become ok to drive like an asshole when it flurries outside? It is like people have determined it is a free for all on the freeways. On a normal sunny day, you would never tailgate a car, or slam on ur breaks becuase you are exiting on an off ramp. Drop some flurries and people swear they are driving in an indestructable tank. Merging as if some invisible forcefield protects them and determining that they can honk their horn as if they just were granted the title of supreme ruler.

VIII. So my thinkers out there...can i talk at u for a second. You know who u are. You're the people who's brains lock up when posed almost any question. You're the cats who take 4 mintues to make a decision that should take 1 or 2 seconds, yet expect everyone to patient with you. You are also the people who swear they know the best of course of action, DESPITE...DESPITE no knowing a damn thing of what ur talking about because ur brain does not have the capacity or fortitude to handle such knowledge.
For example, I hate those people who wax on about baseball, but couldnt play the game, feel the game, or watch the game. Quit crying every freaking time a guy makes an out. It is part of the game and no you couldnt hit that ball.
Or the smart people in your meetings who propose that off the wall, "where the fuck did that come from shit" that even makes u wonder if u were paying attention, until u notice everyone else is making the same face except the thinker. Please...just keep to yourself and continue playing with ur crayons.
Finally, you have the one who can't order from a menu...and start asking for shit not on the menu and proclaiming stuff like "Why can't they serve that salad from the other place?" Because you're at another fucking restaurant, so get what they have or shut the fuck up.
Thinkers, I know ur parents told u, u were special. Trust me when I say this though, leave the thinking to the qualified, that would be the people who actually know what they are talking about, and u just sit there and look pretty!

IX: My son gets up and pees in the corner from time to time. Should I be concerned that he thinks he is a dog, or proud that he has grasped the nuances of public urination?

X: How does pornography ask for a bailout? How does an industry built on fucking cry that they are getting fucked? One, we all love porn. Yes, even those of you who swear u dont...u do. Two, no one will admit it, much less try to bail it out. There is no way a Senator is saying, "You know what, lets fork over 100Million because i need to get my rocks off on babysitter fantasies."
NO NO NO...strip clubs will just get more money. People will shy away from videos or simply pop in their old warped ones. Hell, they will just download from the plethora of options available to them from the infinite resources known as the interweb. Don't ask for a bailout people...just keep making quality shit, and if Hustler or GGW enterprise goes under...oh well. I still gets mine! Make a better product and quit buying G5s...this goes for you too Auto industry!

EXTRA CREDIT: This is a quick one...doesn't it say THOU SHALL NOT the Koran, Torah, and Bible? Am I missing something?

the one who is like water,

The "N" Word

It's taboo.  Boycotted.  Al Sharpton even wanted it removed from the dictionary.  You're not even allowed to use it around Black people; you can only use it when your Black friends aren't around and you're quoting a song or movie line.  Or if you're Black.  

Well I'm here to tell you that's bullshit.  I say use it freely.  I say the sting is gone, because it is no longer a racial epithet.  Because no matter what your race, creed or color you can be a nigga.  Blago?  Nigga.  Brittany Spears?  Yep.  She's a nigga.  There has been a recent uptick in "niggaism"; indeed America is becoming more and more "nigga-ized."  There are all kinds of people that deserve the term be directed at them--and I wholly advocate it's use if it fits.

This is a relatively recent phenomenon.  Niggas used to only be Black.  But sometime in the 80s and 90s, someone decided it was a good idea to give niggas money, mostly to entertain the rest of us who are/were not niggas.  This was the worst idea in history.  You can't give niggas money!  Especially millions of dollars.  Because then niggas do nigga shit to grandiose proportions.  Plaxico Burress.  Adam Jones.  Kevin Federline.  All niggas doing nigga shit with the money we paid them.

So we pay niggas to entertain us, and like court jesters they deliever.  Except the most prominent niggas tend to be Black, leaving those of us who are not niggas to be categorized with them.  In other words, "niggaism" begets all sorts of other isms--class-ism, racism and sexism.  "WTF?" you ask.  Check it--it doesn't matter your tax bracket, but if you're doing nigga shit you're looked down upon by those more well off, i.e. class-ism.  White folks look down on colored folks who partake in nigga shit, i.e. racism.  Women who participate in nigga shit are looked down on as chicken heads, hood rats or white trash, i.e. sexism.

So what is nigga shit?  Perhaps wearing baggy sweats a club--and tucking a gun into the waistband.  "Leasing" a car on the promise to sign autographs and make an appearance--and then let your boy borrow the car, wreck it, and then don't sign the autographs, or return the car.  Having Maury Povich determine the paternity of your child.  "Making it rain" in a strip club.  Failing to think critically.  Taking everything you're told as truth.  Following rather than leading.  Having more children by the time you're 30 than most people have in a lifetime.  Complaining about your circumstances, yet not making any moves to change them.  Growing up shitty, but "keeping it real" in refusing to better yourself or those around you.  Living "ghetto fabulous," including but not limited to driving a car that is more expensive than your rent/mortgage.  I could go on but you get my drift.  Things like this (at least if you only watched the news) only used to happen to Black people.  Now?  These things go on all the time, even in white suburbia.

So go ahead.  Drop a few N-bombs on some deserving soul.  It's only inappropriate if it doesn't fit, much like calling a woman a "bitch" or a "slut" when in fact nothing about her behavior suggests she is either.  Use the word and use it wisely.

Brought to you in part by:
The baddest, the meanest, the prettiest,

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Mij Mils: Top Ten Lines/Moments


I wanted to do an interview of my best friend Jimmy Banda, aka Mij Mils, but the subject required more. With Omar 'jokeyjokemaker316' J, we did a Top Ten and a Mock Interview, and then he added is own spin to mock interview after talking to his publicist. So with Mij, we have to do the here we are, enjoy...


  1. "I am not an alcoholic, but i like a strong drink" - They say what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, but those people don't know us! We were in the hotel room warming up for the night, when we decided to booze it up. Omar was making some bitch ass Rum and Cokes, when Jimmy stepped in and showed him how, giving birth to this line!

  2. The Flying Paycheck - nothing captures Jimmy like the time in HS, when his paycheck flew out of the window of his car. Yeah, this man left it on the dash, and drove windows down. When it flew out, Jimmy merely shrugged and kept driving. He rationlized, he could always get another printed, so why slow down. The rest of the American public is slamming on the brakes.

  3. "WU-TANG MUTHAFUCKA!!!" - we play spades, a lot! I know my African-American people just asked 'What they know about spades?' Well when u want to catch a proper ass whupping come and find out. So we are at U of I, and have the Wu-Tang clan Cds on permanent some point Jimmy is kicking ass and decides to punctuate every winning bid with 'WU-TANG MUTHAFUCKA!!!' escalating to its 'WU MUTHAFUCKA...yeah..WU-TANG MUTHAFUCKA....' 5'10 weighing in at 140lbs..shouting this out! Oh...he was in Competition Mode

  4. COMPETITION MODE JIMMY - This is a repeated moment..a loop if u will. See Jimmy is really quiet. He is so quiet, my dad would always ask him "What do you want to be when you grow up, I mean I know it wont be a TV Commentator.." Little did we know that COMPETITION MODE JIMMY lived inside this quiet shell. A few of tingtongtiddliest drinks and out he comes. Challenging all comers in cards, board games, arm wrestling, fishing, whatever the hell we are playing or talked about playing. He might even wrestle you. He mos def will talk shit and be loud...starting counter points with "FUCK YOOUUUU!"

  5. "Yeah, I'd like to see u disappear" - Bachelor Party Vegas again... We went to eat a fine steak at Camelot's in Excalabur, which I know for some of you hard core Vegas degenerates is not great, but we thought it was the shit. GREAT FOOD! Anyway, after a few bottles of Red Wine and a great meal, were very content when a waiter/court jester rolls up and asks if we want to see a magic trick...we shake our heads no. As he is walking away Jimmy says, loudly enough for him to hear "Yeah, I'd like to see you disappear!" You could hear his heart breaking as walked.
  6. Changing Mr. Banda's Tire! - On his Bday we took Mij out to celebrate and after standing in a crowded room at Spoon, we decided to get nostalgic and go to Tequila Roadhouse. On the way, there I felt the car pulling right. So I pulled Mij's car over and discovered the tire was flat. Mij was too hammered (the change from sober to hammered ~30sec) to even tell us where his jack was. So after examining the manual and finding the jack and spare tire, we started to change the tire. There was 6 inches of snow on the ground and freezing. As we worked, Omar with no gloves and hands turning Purple, and me and Roly almost getting crushed by car, Jimmy furiously worked the phone trying to tell Schweezy where we were. He had no idea himself, so that made it funnier. After about 15 min, he finally was convinced to get the fuck out of the car, whose tire were changing, and goes, "oh do you need a flashlight?" YES WE NEEDED A FUCKING FLASHLIGHT!!! Then he looks at Omar who cant even feel his hands and is staving off frostbite.."hey, take my gloves, my hands are all sweaty!" Then he gets BACK INTO A CAR THAT IS JACKED UP as we are changing the tires. BACK IN...the CAR...and after we are done he declares..."i want to eat." "Well whatever u want your highness...we will just finish up this small tire matter!"
  7. "The Sun Rises in the WEST!!!" - We were fishing at Woodhaven, the official camp site of the FW crew, and it was really late, like the sky was getting lighter late. So we starting discussing which way was north because we wanted to find the NorthStar, and the Big Dipper...yeah, we were fucking astronomers in a past life. So I was like, that way is East because the Sun rises in the East, and Jimmy (CMJ) goes, no..."The SUN rises in the WEST!" He even convinced Omar of this...we actually debated this for 15 min, when clearly he knew he was wrong. Why continue debating? HE was CM Jimmy, and Omar actually believe it rose in the west.
  8. The Jimmy Dance - Again, this is a series of moments. Every time Mij dances...hilarious. The man has seen one too many Cure vids, and I am sure his New Order addiction doesnt help. Now don't get me wrong, he dances with gusto, but still, it is interesting to say the least. Now, if I am in a pit, this is the guy I want, because pound for pound he is the toughest kid in there, but no salsa for this man!
  9. "Oh Yeah, u gonna box the one-eyed champ" - This line led to the moment also known as 'the day someone shut Omar the fuck up!' This actually happened after the now infamous Omar dance episode, and we were eating tacos at Atotonilco on 57th and Kedzie (for those of you who want to visit the place where Omar was quiet). Omar was slobberknockered, and in full Tommy machine gun mode. He was absolutely killing me, and still mimicking his dance. So he says, "I am just beating u up...i am working the body...the body" or something to that effect because i was on the ropes. I saw blurry images, and i am sure i heard my mom crying somewhere. Then he starts to rise and proclaims, I am using the washroom, when Jimmy breaks out..."Oh YEAH, you gonna box the one-eyed champ?" STUNNED SILENCE...Omar actually sits back down..i am sure his bladder was not happy. He had no line...just sat there. Jimmy had this huge smile, and my trainer was glad someone stopped the fight!
  10. Jimmy makes money! - So again, we go back to Vegas, or any place they allow u to gamble. Jimmy has his talent for making people around him money. U play black jack, and if ur sitting next to make money. One time, there were three guys and they were just about done. Like, 'I sold my plane ticket home' done. Well we show up, and over the next 2 hours, everyone is winniing. I am passing out on my cards and we are winning. To sum it up, He was even telling a a guy how to play and he went from 8 down to 13oo up and he promised if Jimmy was ever in Chicago, he would take him out to eat. I mean he even gave him his number in Lincoln Park...the guy was so ecstatic. The kid has ice waters in his veins...i mean u have to if play blackjack, or watch ur paycheck fly out of ur car window without a care, or dance the way he does!

That about does it for me...but please add to this list. When you have known Jimmy, aka Mij Mils, aka Cricket, aka Fimmy for any amount of time, you will have stories. I will be interested to see what people add.


Monday, January 12, 2009

Damnned if you do...

I'm not a fan of our 43rd president. Never have been. But there is a strange parallel between Bush and "The Dark Knight." Before you bash, hear me out.

I recently read an article that advocated for Bush's legacy to be that of torture--he authorized and turned a blind eye to the torture of "enemy combatants" back in 2003; arguably a "human rights violation" and could get him and members his administration indicted for war crimes.

BUT (and here's where the "Dark Knight" parallel comes in to play) what was he supposed to do? At the end of "The Dark Knight" we found out that Batman was the hero Gotham NEEDED. If he had to do dirt, he did it. If he had to go about it clean, he did that too. Either way, whatever Gotham needed him to be, right or wrong, he did it. Bush, despite all his failures and sometimes outright stupidity did what was necessary (with the exception of invading Iraq) to keep this country safe. If depriving prisoners of sleep and stringing them up naked made a difference in the security of this nation, then it needed to be done.

The conflicts in the world today are not unique; indeed wars over ideals have been fought for centuries. But the people in charge are terrible historians--there are only three wars that have ever been fought over ideals that have ever had a clear victor. The Revolutionary War, the Civil War and World War II. What America (and to some extent Israel) is fighting today is a MOVEMENT. How do you kill a movement? How can you stop something that is bigger than a person or organization? Will America be safe if we eliminate Al Queda? What about other extremest groups? Do people think they won't step up? And every time we invade a country (or condone Israel killing innocent people) the movement gets STRONGER. So what do you do? You do what is necessary. You take shit to the next level. You cannot win a war with a movement with rules of engagement; movements don't give a damn about rules. Movements demand an end result. That was the difference between Batman and The Joker; it wasn't until Batman was willing to fore go his rules that he was able to stop The Joker. Bush was willing to break the rules in order to keep America safe. And unless Obama is willing to do the same, the movement will never be stopped.

Granted sometimes the answer isn't more violence; in politics violence is often NOT the answer. And Obama doesn't seem to think violence is the answer. But someone somewhere is going to have to do something. Like, I don't know, take action opposite of what we've done thus hurting the propaganda machine of The Movement. It's a long shot but it just might work.

Side note: Israel's response to Hamas was a little extreme. Death squads or "Jason Bourne" would have been more appropriate; cutting down the orchard to kill a few bad apples is not the answer. You don't get rid of pests in your house by destroying the house, you exterminate. I understand the necessity of giving the ground troops a little breathing room--had the bombs not been dropped soldiers on the ground would have been killed by traps and snipers--but now there are almost 1,000 innocents dead and the region is now more against Israel (and the U.S. for letting it happen) than before. Not a good look and definitely not something Sho-Nuff can co-sign on.

- Sho-nuff

Friday, January 9, 2009

WANTED: Hilary Duff's Career destroyed

I am absolutely flabbergasted. I am beside myself with hate...raw ass hate. I am putting aside my dislike for Marky Mark Wahlberg's acting and focusing purely on the little bitch Hilary Duff's completely mindless voice career. This little Britney wannabe decides to sing...ok, i got no hate for that. Come out with ur mindless little love songs and what not, and i have no issues. None...
I am sure there are 12 year olds out there who i am sure think your lyrics speak to their pain, and ignite their soul. If that is what gets u the cheddar...I have no issues.

Now once you go and steal one of the GREATEST choruses from a legendary song, you have crossed the line you fucking bimbo.

INDICTMENT: Stealing the chorus from 'Personal Jesus' by Depeche Mode "Reach Out and Touch Faith!!!" This song has one of the coldest pouding bass lines. Fantastic Lyrics and when performed live, everyone throws their hands up as the bright lights flash and we "reach out to touch faith!" Magic people...magic!!!

EVIDENCE: Shitty overly electro-filtered song "Reach out" by Hilary 'my sister and i have no real talent' Duff
Chorus: 'Reach out and touch me"

Penalty: Your career fails miserably and we see ur ass on "Biggest Loser: Former Disney Kids! edition"

I am violently insulted by this utter lack of respect. So that is what we are doing? I now feel like my uncle when he heard that Diddy was trashing all those classic songs so that he could make a buck. Depeche Mode...please tell me u did not sign off on this and there is a lawsuit on the way. PLEASE!!! Oh duff, may that nose job u got fall apart.

May the fates exact their ruthless vengeance!


Greatest Emcees

This started on Facebook when Kelley, a.k.a. Kells, a.k.a. The Pied Piper of Claims, a.k.a. One Letter Short of a porn star had the audacity and nerve to proclaim that Eminem is the greatest emcee of all time.  I will give Em his due--he's in the discussion for perhaps the top 30, but nowhere near the top 10.

First the rules: Emcee = an individual who can just pick up a microphone and start flowing, leaving you and your comrades in awe at their lyrical genius.  This means no matter the beat, the time of day or the location, this individual will "put it down."  They must be flexible, being able to conquer any beat while still maintain the ability to tell a story and not just rhyme.

For you "new school" cats, anyone with a name (or nick-name for that matter) ending in "eezy" doesn't even belong in the discussion.  The following people are the only people that should even be considered when discussing the greatest emcees of all time (in no particular order)

  • Christopher Wallace
  • Shawn Carter
These two gentlemen are/were more versatile on the M-I-C than your average.  Just listen to Life After Death and everything Jay has done since The Life and Times of Shawn Carter Vol. 3--these dudes change their style up with EACH SONG.

  • Black Thought
Highly under rated, just like The Roots in general.
  • Rakim
Took the use of similes and metaphors to a whole new level.  Period.
  • Nasir
More of a poet than typical rhymer, but like the next two guys it's more about what he says.  Accomplishments include a song that tells a story--backwards and another in which he likens himself to a gun.
  • Mos Def
  • Talib Kweli
Real hip-hop heads know who these guys are and will hold them up against any other "artist."  Kweli in particular uses an excellent blend of metaphor, simile and vocabulary that is often imitated but never duplicated.  Mos is a great story teller.
  • Certain members of the Wu, namely Ghostface, Gza, Golden Arms, and Raekwon
  • KRS-One/BDP
  • A Tribe Called Quest (particuarly Phife, the five foot assassin)
In case you didn't know, Phife is Kweli's dad.  Has to be.  They look alike and have the same presence on the mic.

  • MC Lyte
The only female that belongs on this list.  Sorry Lauryn, Salt, Pepp, Queen Latifah, Moni (the one in the middle), Lil Kim, Foxxy Brown, Eve, et. al.  It's the Lyte and that's it.  In fact, I'd put $10 on Lyte in a battle with many of the men on this list and feel confident I'd win the bet.

  • T.I.
I have to admit I was a hater at first, but as you continue to listen he's got skills.  Problem is he's becoming more commercial, which is what killed others NOT on this list.

  • Lupe Fiasco
Hasn't been around that long you say.  He's too new you say.  He's not gangsta enough you say.  He's still probably one of the more lyrically gifted folks doin it right now.

  • Common
  • Eminem
Note that Tupac and most West coast and southern rappers are not included.  Could it be market bias?  Not at all.  There just aren't that many good lyricists coming out of Cali (maybe Karupt but I'm not sold on him being included on this list).  And you need an interpreter to understand most of them southern cats.  But why not 'Pac?  Well to put it simply, despite being wildly successful and a pretty good lyricist, he NEVER CHANGED HIS STYLE UP!  Do we know how Pac would attack an up tempo beat (like "Anything" on Jay-Z's Kingodom Come)?  Sure he could pick up his pace, but so can Calvin Brodus (notably missing from the list).  If this list were top Gangsta Rappers of all time, no one would even come close.  But Pac doesn't belong on this list.  Besides, the game has changed.  The point has become to make money and sell records (as noted in T.I.'s last installment) not wow us with skills (like Lupe continues to do number of units sold be damned).  THAT's why many of your south and west cats aren't on this list--they may have skills but don't care to show them.  They are more concerned about makin your ass shake.

Other notables that could be on this list but for some fatal flaws:

OutKast--Dre 3000 writes and pretty much fell off after ATLiens.  Southerplayalisticcadilacmusiq is and will forever be their greatest accomplishment.  Besides, they retired and started acting.

EPMD--Erick Sermon kills them otherwise they'd be on this list.

Redman--dude is literally nuts.

Eve--good, but not quite good enough.  But what can you expect from an ex-stripper?

Busta Rhymes--in a class of his own, just not this class.

Big Daddy Kane--another example of failure to change the style up.  He does get his credit though for fathering many other rappers who continue to bite his style to this day.

Dr. Dre and any other member of N.W.A.

And if their name wasn't mentioned, it wasn't worth it.