Shout OUT!

HAPPY BDAY to Bella Baggins (7/6) and the BIGS (7/13)

Friday, July 31, 2009

ESPN can kiss the brownest part of my ass

HA HA HA HA HA. I am loving it right now! ESPN, is forced to show stories of their beloved New York Yankees and Boston Red Sox players testing positive for steroids. ESPN is the sickening sports station that believes there is only 3 cites in the workd where sports happen, Boston, New York, and Los Angeles. Between ESPN and the Chicago Tribune forcing the Cubs on us, there is no where to hide. I get upset when a sports station like ESPN says stuff like "Here's the Baltimore Vs. Kansas City game....because we are contractually obligated to show it." If it was up to sportscenter, it would be all Bos/NY all the time. I believe they are currently hyping up the games to be played in 2010.

ESPN has been mostly unwatchable for the season so far, with reports on the ghoulish Big Papi and his struggles at the plate. Who cares? No one outside of Boston cares. Now we hear he used steroids? Well, fuck that guy then! The whole world will hate him now, and thats it for the much ballywhooed "Red Sox Nation." At least the Cub fans understand that their team will let them down, and just hope its the day after they have those sweet bleacher seats to stare at drunk hot white chicks. I just want to see sports highlights without being forced to watch 25% Boston NY highlights. I am a moderate Baseball fan, so this time of year is rough for me. As with the rest of the city of Chicago, I am mostly concerned with Bears camp.


Gordon "Bacon" Beckham

Monday, July 27, 2009

I should, but i just can't

It has been a while again since i have posted. Of course, it got me thinking about what has been issue with humanity since the first Caveman fucked up....the BLAME GAME. THE EXCUSE GAME...THE HATE GAME!

To a degree we all do it. It is human nature to try to avoid that embarrassing moment and blame. No one likes feeling red faced or ridiculed so we lay it somewhere else.

"How is it my fault that i hit that car. It didnt have to brake that hard....he had plenty of room. He didnt have to drive so slow either".

Some shit is understandable, but we have created a new art form. We blame away damn near anything no matter how incredible.
"I am fat because McDonald's uses fatty ass oil."
"I have lung cancer because i was not properly warned by the Tobacco industry."
"How you gonna tell me birth control didnt is 85% effective!!!"

What to do, you ask? Why do i bring it up? Well i am tired of it. I am not saying we become angels or perfect humans, but every once in a while, take one for the team. I am not perfect...hell I am one of the best excuse makers in the industry "Damn, i need to work out, but my work schedule is in flux, and then i have to get home, and then there is the sun...." What i am saying is we need to "look at the man in the mirror, and ask him to change his ways". Like every once in a while, just say.."I dont work out because it is boring and i hate it, and it is much easier to bitch about it!"

It has become too easy to point the finger away from you, and sometimes even funnier, but i would like to think that he next evolution of human would be more positive and enlightened. For now i will settle on people acting like good teammates. Picking each other up and asking what they can do better to improve the team, rather than just point out what people do wrong. A team should learn what roles need to be filled and not what would possibly make them look good. One step we could all take is to just simply, save the excuse and just do what we were supposed to do! Act like every once in a while we have a little pride in ourselves, and not try to mask that insecurity or deficiency by laying it off on another person.

Thank you...i know it has been a while since i wrote on the blog, but i was too busy with work.
[i had shit to write and not creative enough to come up with something]



Friday, July 17, 2009

peep it

been a long time...shouldnt left you....

It has been some time and i will tell you, i was not doing something hip like climbing moutains or walking the desert in search of my higher calling. No, i have been laying back and letting the world come to me in whatever form it would like. I have gone out and listened to some beats. I have perfected my bags ability...FOR NOW. I have been helping raise a great kid who i am sure is as smart as me, or smarter, right now. Through it all i have made the following observations:

  • Vicente Fernandez + outdoor party + sizable speakers = great environment! Stories are told, memories are recalled, and the best part....NO ONE CALLS THE COPS! If i had been blaring Lil Weezy or the latest of my house mixes I would have had the cops all up in my yard eating my food and telling me to keep it down. VF...not a soul said shit. We even spotted people chillin in their yards. Sorry...but i just didnt know.

  • Studio 63 aka THE STUDIO aka EL STUDIO....i am sorry but i dont have enough words to describe this place. It is a place filled with people looking to have a good time at all costs. It is like the waiting room to hell where u expect anything can and will pop off. I must sound like a prude, but still there has to be limits. U cant be 45 and clubbing it in a place that has a lax 21 and over policy. This a place where boobs get grabbed and the convo is not even stuttered. People on the dance floor are practicing for an orgy scene in a low rent porno, and where brave souls can climb a stage and really show off what their momma's gave them. Guys have the subtlety of 8 sprays of CoolWater cologne. There is not time to beat around the bush when 8 other hungry hyenas are looking at the fat chick your beer googles have transformed into acceptable. I know ur saying it sounds like a blast, until u realize it isn't and that u have the same feeling u dowhen u see a proud lion caged and growling for the amusement of the masses. Fuck all that...that shit was hilarious...i recommend u go at least once, around 2am, so u can see the desperate attempts of guys and girls looking to get laid!

  • family fueds are the lamest things u can get caught up in. Why does family fight? It ranges from serious shit like money or adultery to perceived slights. It is a tsunami that engulfs all that have the misfortune of being anywhere near them. the worst part is that at the end of day everyone is still family. I hate the gestures and appearances meant to send messages. I also hate the grand statements meant to convey power. I would much rather just bang my head against a rock than try to figure this out. Again, at the end of the day, family is family...the closer the stronger. There should be more tolerance, more love, more patience..not less because they are family. Shit, that is what family is for, otherwise what is the point. So someone please tell this to the Jackson's.

  • Summer is a state of mind in Chicago. They tell me it is summer, but when i look at the weather, i see a perfect 60+ degrees, which would be cool in fall or spring...but summer? Wild times. I have observed that people are taking advantage. There may not be as many burning themselves on the beaches, but check any festival, bar, or outdoor event. People can now go out and come back looking like a lobster.
  • What happened to all those stressed out teachers? U know who i am talking about. The ones complaining because they were so busy and stressed teaching from 7:30-2:30. Oh wait, they are at the beach everyday. Some shop all day or call people who work and ask them what they are doing. Basically, I dont want to hear them bitch anymore. U get the whole summer off, and every holiday. Suck it up next year.
  • I hate twitter and people who twitter. There is only so much i want to know about u, and if you think people want to know ur every waking move, then ur a self-indulgent bitch! Hold on, i have to update my facebook status to tell people to check this blog.


Norma Jean Bell - I'm the Baddest Bitch

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Fixing the Illinois Budget--with a new tax

The state of Illinois has a budget this morning--one that puts the state in more debt and will last only five months. Obviously the old ways of doing things don't work. And raising my income taxes isn't the answer.

I say do away with the state income tax altogether. Our employers already take upwards of 40% of our salary and "pay" it to the federal government for services many of us will never get the chance to use. Instead, I give you the Fat Tax. With apologies to my large and lovely readers, Illinois is full of fatness. With the number of fatties in the Chicago metro area alone, the Illinois deficit would be erased in less than 5 years.

I know there are questions. How would we impose such a tax? How is this tax even remotely fair? How much would the tax be? And who gets to say what "fat" is in order to impose the tax? All good questions. And I have plenty of "Obama-esque" answers for you.

First the tax would be imposed at state license facilities. When people go to obtain or renew their Illinois licenses or state IDs the state employee (likely to be a lard ass themselves) will use certain (yet to be determined) "measurements" to see if the person should be a tax payer. The possibilities of measurements are seemingly endless and a variety of such could make the tax "fair." There could be a scale, measuring tape or even the good ol' fashioned "eye ball test"--if you look fat then you probably are. Got more gut than butt? Fat Tax imposed! More belly than boobs? Fat Tax! Can't see your waist without looking in the mirror? You guessed it. Can't reach your lower appendages to put on lotion or tie your shoes? Tax that ass. We could even get fancy and use BMI and height/weight ratios. Doesn't matter to me. Don't want/can't pay the tax? No license. And since driving without an license or with an expired one is illegal (and depending on the cop can actually land you in County) it would be easy.

Even Republicans can get down with this tax because such a tax would be imposed on the rich and poor alike, with poor/lower middle class people making up a good proportion of fatties. And it's constitutional too. It doesn't discriminate against race, color, national origin, sex--Illinois is a melting pot of fat folk.

Along with the Fat Tax we can have the Obese Kid Tax. Got a fat kid? Pay a tax. This tax wouldn't be imposed until the kid was at least 5. We'll give baby fat the benefit of the doubt. But if a kid is eating Flammin' Hot Cheetos for breakfast, McDonald's for lunch and bag of chips for dinner, the parent should pay. Enforcing this one is easier than the Fat Tax. All kids have to go to school. Certain "measurements" will be taken at school (or require physicals for the kids by a doctor of the parents' choosing every year) and if the kid doesn't measure up, the parent pays the tax. Parent doesn't pay, the kid doesn't graduate. Tax that ass every year up and through high school--parent doesn't pay the bill, then no diploma. That's not fair to the kids you say. If the child knows its future is in jeopardy they will work to not be fat--and bug their parents to pay the tax as if it were a new cool toy. Or get a job and pay it themselves. (Teach them a little responsibility for themselves too).

And that's the point of the Fat Tax. It is to force people to live healthier while raising revenue for a state that has no idea what to do with it's money. The Fat Tax would raise so much money that all the corrupt politicians would be able to line their pockets and we'd STILL be able to offer social services. While the point would be to try and get people "healthy", most won't. Most people will just pay the tax and continue to live fat. Fatness is a badge of honor around here. It's referred to as "thickness" or bragged about as an ability to absorb more liquor. Muffin tops, spare tires and belly overhang is NOT sexy, but here in Illinois, we don't care. It keeps us warm in those cold winters and is a result of having children (at least that's what we tell ourselves). But in reality that's B.S.

As far as amounts I have no idea. Income tax is a certain percentage of income; perhaps the Fat Tax should be equal to the percentage over BMI a person is times $1,000. Or the number of inches over ones waistline their gut hangs times $1,000. I'm not an economist or an actuary. Let the numbers nerds figure that part out.

I personally would be more diligent in getting into shape if I knew I'd be taxed for my belly. Income taxes don't phase me--I'm used to them. Since I've been able to work, the government has been taking my money. To protest I'd have to stop working. And if I'm not working, I'm not eating, which means I'd have to engage in criminal enterprise to sustain myself. Not a good look. But I can protest a Fat Tax by not being fat. I can avoid paying the Obese Child Tax by making sure my kid(s) eat healthy and exercise.

In a country that already taxes income, sin, gasoline, and inheritance, we're ready for such a seemingly obscene tax. Tax people's waistlines and the message hits home twice. It affects their pockets and gives them incentive to avoid taxation. No more charitable giving to avoid income tax. No more paying employees cash to avoid employer taxes. In a state where at least 70% of the people are fat, the Fat Tax would raise money from the success guts to those who genetically can't help themselves to those who just don't give a damn about what they eat or drink, all the while (hopefully) reducing the waistlines of many.

How about it governor Quinn? I'm guessing this wouldn't be a winner in Springfield, given the size of the guts I've seen on our esteemed lawmakers. But it's what's best for the people. Don't tax my hard earned money. Tax the lard in my lazy ass instead.

Friday, July 10, 2009

Sorry Schweez........

Michael Jackson is dead. Who cares? The city of Los Angeles is 600M dollars in defecit, but they spent 5M to have the event for MJ? Janet Jackson came on TV to ask people to send tax-deductible donations? I thought MJ was rich? I also find it funny that most of the people in the audience had not even met MJ. Where was Berry Gordy? Where were his friends Liz Taylor, and Bubbles the chimp? DIANA ROSS, his love, the woman who may have ended up caring for his kids, WAS IN LOS ANGELES, AND SHE COULD NOT EVEN DRIVE ACROSS THE CITY TO SAY A FEW WORDS??????

It breaks my heart to know that the kids will be the ones to suffer. Imagine being average white kids, and having all those creepy Jacksons who look like make-up wearing goblins waiting to take your fake daddy's money for themselves. The family hated Michael, and vice-versa!!! He had a freakin brother who stocked shelves!!!! MJ could'nt give him an entourage job? The whole event was poorly arranged, poorly executed, and reaked of Joe Jackson's last chance to make a quick buck. I heard the creepy lady that was a guest singer, is on the RANCH RECORD label Joe was pimping at the BET awards.

Sad ending to a whole messy situation. Sad that all I can say is, "How many kids are safe now that MJ is dead?"

Jokey Jokemaker
First to shovel dirt on the gold coffin