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HAPPY BDAY to Bella Baggins (7/6) and the BIGS (7/13)

Friday, August 28, 2009

How can i improve on this night?

today we examine alcohol and how it affects certain situations. Dave Chappelle did something similar to this where he took a typical scene and showed how it happened in real time, and how i would look in slo mo. I am going to do something similar...i am going to take a story and give u the NON-alcohol version and the DRINKY DRINK version. So let's do that damn thing!

NON-ALCOHOL: One when ur not drinking, ur night is easy. You get ready and go to the party...there is no fillers, no preparation. So you get to the party and u start drinking ur water/cranberry/soda and there's ur EX. Immediately you're like...whatever. The night gets a bit awkward, friends dont know what do, and it pretty much goes like that until u leave. Pretty shitty...let's look at it through beer goggles!
DRINKY DRINK: you prep urself by 'warming' up at home. You play cards, you play video games, you listen to beats and dance in front of the mirror making sure ur outfit is tight. Then you head to the gig...and u just realized, u really just want to dance. You head out and grab a drink, maybe it is 5, and boom...there is ur EX. So now you realize, you should play it u dance...u drink..ur funny, ur loud...then u go to lean up against the wall and BOOM!!! Fall on ur ass. No problem...I mean how many people really saw that? Get up, dust urself off, and BOOM! You meet the floor one more time. Friends laugh, strangers laugh...U could care less what the fuck ur EX thinks...and u might share that thought. Really it is no biggie, because even when u have to relive this moment 100 times and ur friend blogs about it, you realize it was a whole lot better than the other version plus you get a cool nickname like...THUMPER!

NON-ALCOHOL: pretty much the standard fare, you drink your juice and talk about politics, weather and wonder why that guy is acting a fool. Sure you can hold the camera, and film a guy doing a 'suicide' for the whole house to watch. You can even encourage him, but u start to wonder crazy stuff like "wow, did that hurt?" "I wonder if he is covered medically?" Being sober does mean u can remember to record and post the video. Also, you wake up fine the next day and you get to beep the car horn real loud and wake up ur hungover friends!
DRINKY DRINK: You realize quickly that the party is dying down. You have to do something...SOMETHING!!! hear a beat...magically it is the song you might have just shouted 10 times that you would love to hear, and now that it is on...well IT IS ON LIKE DONKEY KONG. You start pop locking, whipping out moves you haven't broken out in years. Your body responds to every brain impulse. You might also decide that the chair over there is looking at u seductively and it is time to make it feel things it has never felt. You spin, you dip, you smack it on its firm supple ass! Right now you're a star...a star! And yes, we are applauding you, and laughing with you. WE LOVE YOU!


reporting from the planet earth!

liquid liquid - optimo earned it...Part VIII

I had to come at you in a big way today because i have been slacking. I am almost ready to return in full force, but to prepare you for that monumentous event, I present you with this. A man who does not love music...a MAN WHO IS MUSIC!!! So Today is friday...raise a glass of the tingtongtiddliest drink you're good people...and you deserve it!


Wednesday, August 19, 2009

I was thinking about todd stroger the other day....

I was having a discussion the other day about Todd Stroger, when I was accused of being a racist. I argued that the race of the candidate had nothing to do with the piss poor job Stroger had done so far. I was yelled at and ridiculed and it hit me. Stroger will win again, and I declare to you, that when that does, someone will kill him. I also declare that the someone will be black. Stroger is fucking it up for everyone. Yeah Stroger can count on certian votes, but he is mistreating, and making blatant errors that the politically savvy cannot afford to make. I predict that he will be beaten with a lead pipe like the mayor of Milwaukee. Like out of the movie American Me, when the mexicans all killed another mexican who was percieved to be weak.

I left the event angered, and as I was leaving, I was called racist and a N@#$%@-hater. aside from my anger over being deemed racist for pointing out race-free stupidity, I was upset over a black guy calling another black guy a N(*&&^%. I said to myself "How the FUCK can this asshole call me racist, and then in the same breath use the N word liberally?" I made up my mind.

I waited outside untill the accuser left. I followed closely behind, but not enough to arouse suspision. I quitely pulled out my weapon of choice. A softball bat with 2 feet sawed off of the handle, wrapped in black tape, and made a move. My first blow to his lower back dropped him to his knees. The second blow to the base of the skull dropped him like a ton of bricks. I then drew out my replica RAMBO knife and went to work on his face. When he saw me, I gently whispered "Sh sh sh sh sh." Like one would hush a fussy baby, shook my head side to side. I secured his head, and went to work on his face. I was angered by the racist remarks, and wanted to show him i liked all races. I slit an inch on either side of he eyes, and called him chinese. I said "Me so sa wee." in a faux-racists manner, and I then said "THAT shit is racist!" I then said "If you aren't gonna use your ears, I'll help you get rid of them." I made stupid jokes like "Lend me your ear." I left him a bloody mess and called the cops myself. I want him disfigured, not dead.

You, dear reader, will not find this story in any newspaper, nor will you find the guy i did this to in any hospital. The fact of ythe matter is, the media does not want these stories to get out because they go against the idea that the government cannot stop me. The government does not have a quick fix for the problem of people rising up and killing our so called leaders. Yeah, I fucked that guy up, but so what? if it's not me, then its some death panel set up by a shitty healthcare plan set up by the current political party. I figure the facial disfigurement will help him remember that the true price of ignorance is pain. In this case, that ignorance is a belief that The Cook County Board is doing right by you and me. On a larger scale, its the ignorance of believeing rich old white guys and one black guy are gonna do whats best for you and me when it comes to healthcare. The price of fucking with me is far worse.

"Any government big enough to give you rights and freedoms, is big enough to take them away - Thomas Jefferson",CST-EDT-open19.article

Saturday, August 8, 2009

Walk him and pitch to the Rhino.

So i was minding my own business sitting on the couch watching a news channel trying to keep current. Out of nowhere I caught a whiff of something fierce and realized something horrible was about to happen. Our entire home was suddenly ablaze! My guess, the furnace that was installed recently wasn’t done properly. I managed to pull Bob and Tracy out of the house but when the paramedics arrived they were pronounced dead due to excessive smoke inhalation.

This turned out to be an important event in my life. It did not take long for someone to take me in. He seemed like a nice guy. We watched and threw the football all the time. He always had tons of people over which was exciting because i loved the attention i was given. I also made tons of friends.

One day, however, this all changed. My new home owner, Michael was his name, started treating me differently. Beating me, starving me from time to time. I was eventually placed into a pen like contraption were i was forced, out of starvation and a crazed mindset, to attack one of my dearest friends, Oscar. I beat him down to the point of near death. I was stopped from attacking him and was made to watch as Michael shot and killed Oscar.

This went on from time to time. I never lost a fight. Unfortunately, i watched at least a dozen or so of my friends be murdered. I’m not going to lie. I had a huge part in injuring them to the point of no return. But when you are treated as poorly as i had been. Your mindset changes tremendously.

I had to devise a plan. One of Michael’s friends, Warren, was attempting to move me one day when i saw my chance. I bit his hand and took off as fast as i could. I managed to jump the fence and ran until my legs could not take anymore. Ironically, when i stopped running i was in front of the same type of vehicle that tried to save Bob and Tracy. A firehouse! Yes!

I led them back to where i ran away from. I knew Michael had to pay for killing dozens of my friends. After months of investigation and a long legal process Michael lost his job and eventually went to prison for all he had done to myself and my friends. Now that he is released he is looking for a new job. Usually folks who go to prison and have felonies on their records do not have a second chance at retaining their job. They usually have to work in some type of prison release program or what not.

When one is employed by one of the most privileged professions around it is hard to believe a team will give him a second chance. This remains to be seen. I do not think he deserves that chance. It sucks that if i even attempt to avenge my friends deaths by maiming him or even worse i would be seen as a huge threat and i would be put to sleep.

Put to sleep and he only served 18 months or so of prison time. For killing dozens of my friends he might be given a second chance at earning a million or so bucks a year and playing in a pro league of a sport that so many children love.

I have a plan though. I made friends with a highly qualified group called the Goodfeathers. Not sure if you have heard of them. They assure me that as he is throwing that football to those high school players in Atlanta he will unknowingly be under siege. I will do nothing but watch him from the bushes and keep watch. Keep watch and know that a man who killed many of my friends is free and no matter what i attempt directly, i would be killed, no questions asked.

Good luck Goodfeathers. I will be watching.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

This is too racist NOT to post on here!

Monarchies weren't such a bad idea after all...

Someone sometime in history decided that it was a great idea for the common man and woman to have a voice as to how government was run. All good ideas work in theory, but most are terrible when put into practice. This was one of them.

See the "will of the people" is fickle. "The people" have too many opinions, different circumstances, different levels of education and knowledge about any and everything and selfish motivations. Thus if government is to follow the will of the people, it is doomed to be inefficient.

I know what you're thinking--its really what the MAJORITY of the people want. But the will of the majority changes from one day to the next. One day a president is popular, the next they aren't. One day we have to band together, ignoring differences of race, creed, religion, socio-economic status, etc. and eliminate any and all anti-American sentiment on the planet--the next we're back to hating each other in addition to those that would have our demise. The majority is only as smart as the individuals that make up the majority--and unfortunately a majority of Americans would be classified as (excuse the political incorrectness) "stupid."

Which is why I'd like to see the return of monarchies. And not constitutional monarchy like in England. I'm talking good old fashioned what-the-king/queen-says-goes even if it means he/she possibly becomes a tyrant.

Thanks to the Internet everyone and their mother (literally) has a place to complain about their lives, circumstances, and best of all their government. Freedom of speech is great--except when it's not. Allowing everyone the ability to spout of their feelings is a terrible idea since most people have no idea what they're talking about. (See above--well over half of America is "stupid" remember?) So let me school you:

America is in its current condition because there are too many people involved in the process. Too many chefs in the kitchen. Too many chiefs, not enough indians. It's not Obama's fault. It's not Congress' fault. It's not the House's fault. Fault lies with the Founding Fathers. Yeah I said it. The former slave owners and liberals tried to make sure each state had rights came to its best compromise. Unfortunately that model worked fine with 13 states; it's a terrible idea for 50. 100 senators and over 400 Representatives later we have the current mess. We're not even going to talk about the various tiers of government--state, local and municipal layers that make things worse. Add the fact that the Constitution is written to purposely make it difficult to make changes and you have everything we like to complain about now.

That still doesn't address the love to hate whomever sits in the Oval Office. Our government is designed so that power is spread out so that we DON'T end up with a monarchy. Because heaven forbid any one person be able to do what he/she wants. But again this logic is flawed.

The difference between monarchs and presidents is that kings want one thing above all that presidents don't give a damn about: love. See presidents are beholden to voters--they will do whatever their advisors think voters want done. Monarchs like being monarchs over anything else, thus any decision is made with that in mind--making sure that they get to stay a monarch. And nothing ensures longevity than making sure the people are happy. Because enough unhappy people lead coups.

I realize the downside of a monarchy. Choosing a monarch and the economics of monarchy sort of throws a monkey wrench in my logic. But we've given democracy a shot over the past almost 300 years--and it continues to fail. Instead we've given currency the power. Whether it be political or actual capital, whoever has the most gets to run things. Large donors wield more influence than middle class and lower class voters. Laws get passed based on vote trading among law makers. Whoever HAS the most, gets the most benefit. That is not democracy. If my voice isn't going to matter, at least my government should be efficient. Give me a monarch.

No empire the size of the United States (and it is an empire) has ever been a democracy. The Roman empire began to fall after it became a democracy--and then Caesar took over. That allowed Rome to live a little while longer but it began to break up (again) when democracy returned. The U.S. will fall too eventually. While I appreciate the plurality that is our great country, what will save it is unification. That can't happen with 3-4 levels of government and several thousand elected officials and hundreds of millions of people with differing opinions. Everyone needs shut up and get on board with the same idea/plan or be deemed a traitor.

Your Highness in waiting,
The meanest, prettiest, and baddest mo-fo low-down around this town

iz3y's crazy theories: "why hate the player...hate the game"

This is mainly for my women...and some of the men out there who have been bamboozled...led a a amok...and who had Plymouth Rock land of them. Here is my second installment of ... iz3y's crazy theories: "why hate the player...hate the game"

1. If guy is an asshole or a girl is a is highly likely that is not changing. Because they light some candles or take u to dinner, or go down on u in the restaurant the way u like it, does not make them perfect for you. IT doesnt wash away the mark of evil they have on their scalp. Why oh why do people think they can change muthafuckas...they cant! He/She came in an evil spawn, barring life changing events (and those dont include u being a great person) they are going to die evil spawns! YOU CAN'T CHANGE THEM...i can't stress this enough.

2. The Multiple personality one is trickier...these are the fools who come in like Mrs Cleaver or wearing the Super girl outfit to suck you in. Women, this is the guy who plays guitar, and is nice to his mom. This person is a fucking trap. The signs are subtle but they are there!!! For instance...while they are being all nice and shit, they suddenly pop off because you want to help them prepare food in the kitchen. Or you tell them you're going out with friends and BOOM..."oh for real...i thought we would go out...oh...well have me...i could always just go with you". It may seem sweet at the time, but really that is their crazy/evil rising up like liquid hot magma and steaming just a little. Over time, they cant supress it until u have a raging fucking volcano on ur hands and ur asking the fuck did i get here? Well ignored the signs!

3. the Sucker punch...oh...this one isnt so bad because while it hurts the sting isnt so bad. The sucker punch is person who is cool, so u hang out. Simple, easy, feel like you could one day really like this person. Then after a couple, they hit you with..."I mean lets not get serious...we're not REALLY Dating..." after you find out they are calling/texting/im-ing half the city. Oh the sucker punch is funny because they are right. You were never they kept on their grind, your ass just forgot!

in the immortal words of OMAR from 'The Wire', "the game is the game!"

reporting live from the field,

Underworld - Dark and Long (dark Train)

Monday, August 3, 2009

iz3y's crazy theories: "Why do people get all stressed out and whiney over stupid shit!"

This is a new segment of the show I like to call, "iz3y spouts off his crazy theory!" Basically, i am a know-it-all who believes that through my years of TV and sitting in on gossip circles, I have been able to break down certain things and explain away the mysteries of the universe. This week, we have: "Why do people get all stressed out and whiney over stupid shit!"

1. I think most people just cant handle life for whatever reason. Maybe mommy and daddy did everything for them or they never hugged them enough. Who knows? Quite possibly they didn't get that Barbie/ G.I. Joe they always wanted and now feel like every single thing that doesn't go their way is a calamity on the Titanic scale. I am quite certain they feel like the universe is conspiring to get them, and only them, and the spotlight only shines brighter and hotter on their issue. Why oh why does this happen to them.

2. People are just egocentric and just don't realize the universe does not revolve around them. Most of these people I don't think played team sports or had a coach teach them that u need to fit into the team picture, and the big picture in general. I am also very certain they believe they are a snowflake, unique, original, and very fragile. What people forget is that, just like a unique and fragile snowflake, they ultimately become part of the pile on the ground. Some even become yellow deal with it.

3. Finally, some people just suck. They know they suck but figure if they talk enough they will become interesting. They have figured out that freaking out makes them interesting so they make sure to freak out at all times if possible.

fitfully urs,

Chromeo - Fancy Footwork

I hate Obama

Dear friends,

I was getting on the expressway this morning, and I saw a fat homeless man. It angered me, and after i chased and easily caught him, I frogstomped his ass. I said "Healthcare ain't free yet you fat fuck!" I forced him to squeal like a pig, and kept punching him in the neck so it would hurt to swallow food for the next few days. I probably saved his fat life. Afterwards, I began to calm down, and it dawned on me. I should have killed him. This leads me to my topic for today. I stronly urge you to buy a Ford Taurus. I feel that in these crazy times, the only answer is to buy a Ford Taurus. The one thing you cannot do, is buy a GM car.

You see, the government had budgeted 1 Billion dollars to finance this cash for clunkers program, where one would get 4500 dollars for their old car, if they bought a new GM car. GM would then also match the 4500, and give you 9000 dollars off of a car. A PT cruiser recently sold for 9000 dollars. Can someone tell me how this will help GM get back into the black? selling a 18000 car for half? This is fiscal irresponsibility!

Not only that, but the money for the program that was supposed to last until November, has run out. I hope that the GM stock goes up 50 fucking dollars tomorrow, because for the rest of the year, all it will do is go down. I cannot wait until we soon find that it costs about 11 K to make a PT Cruiser. Way to fuck this up too Obama! I am just glad that I do not have a minority ownership stake in GM as respionsible taxpayers........awww FUCK!

Towith, I believe that you should buy a Ford Taurus. Ford is the only company that did NOT take the bailout money. Ford said:"Our problem, our solution OBAMA!" and then stomped off all indignant and shit. So OBAMA has put crazy money into a program to stimulate the GM economy, and basically doomed Ford to be out of business within a few years. How would you feel if you had a small neighborhood bank, and the Government said "We are buying CHASE bank and are gonna put one on every corner next to the McDonalds and Walgreens." You would be mad because the government would be creating a monopoly. FORD needs to survive because the alternative is a government run monopoly. The same government that bankrupted a whorehouse in Vegas that was siezed due to non-payment of taxes. HOW THE FUCK DO YOU SCREW UP RUNNING A WHOREHOUSE? IN VEGAS? WITH TONS OF MONEY AND LONELY GUYS HAGING AROUND? AWAY FROM THEIR WIVES/GIRLFRIENDS/KIDS/RESPONSIBILITIES? One thing is for sure though, Obama needs to take time to have a beer 2 guys nobody gives a shit about.

Jokey Jokemaker