Shout OUT!

HAPPY BDAY to Bella Baggins (7/6) and the BIGS (7/13)

Friday, July 29, 2011


In Europe, a lawsuit has been brought against Lancome Cosmetics for false advertising.  Just look at how much the airbrushed Julia Roberts.  This is a case for false advertising if I ever saw one.  This is like the time i brought a Federal case against the makers of the movie THE NEVERENDING STORY.


Lionel Hutz
Attorney At Law  

Thursday, July 28, 2011

Sho-Nuff Rantations

1. A note to the fellas.

Guys, there is absolutely NO reason to be thirsty. You really don't need to hit everything that moves. There are literally more women than men on the planet, and generally more available women than men (thanks to huge numbers of cats locked up or homosexual and whatnot) so it's really okay to be a little selective. If a chick has 2 or more children by 2 or more guys, she's taken herself out of the "must hit" category. Sure she can get it, but she doesn't HAVE to. And if you disagree with me, at least invest in a box of condoms. Otherwise, expect to contribute to the child support pot she's already got. You knew she was fertile when you started talking to her--she's already got at least 2 youngins!

2. Why the U.S. Economy is in shambles.

Dems and Republicans can argue all day about who caused our economic woes. Quite honestly no one in D.C. is more responsible than the folks in L.A. and N.Y. in the music industry, specifically the "urban" sector. You see once we started to commercialize hip-hop and R&B began to blur into cross-over rap music, the music execs that realized this was a brilliant idea made the mistake of giving "niggas" money.

Niggas with money ("NWM") may well be the worst thing to ever happen to this country. NWM isn't a new phenomenon--many NWM are star athletes. But it wasn't until cats started invading our brains via phat beats and lyrics about shit your average person has never heard of did the rest of us decide "I need to be up on that too!" and do whatever necessary--including going into tremendous debt--in order to do so. In the early 90s it was Guess, leather and gold (hilarious now that those were luxury items)--now it's Gucci, Prada and Hermes. Rich white folks who have been buying these things as "normal" for years are now trying to find new luxury items since China is trying to feed our fetish for these items with affordable knock offs, thus devaluing the real deal.

The phenomenon isn't just in low income areas. The commericalization of hip hop has taken it mainstream--so now middle class and upper middle class suburban folks who can't quite afford it will throw it on their credit card, or go cop that Escalade on 24s. The mentality of "just throwing it in the bag" and not checking the price tag runs rampant in this country. I've made the argument that if spending were the real fix to our economy that we should just give it to Black folks--because Black people will spend their ass off. But giving NIGGAS money--that means celebration of their ability to utterly waste their income (and subsequently owe Uncle Sam thousands in unpaid taxes) thus making it "cool" for the rest of us do the same. And while everyone is free to make their own decisions, we already know that well over 50% of America is dumb (check the stats) or are mindless sheep (right wingers). In a place where the economy depends on over 80% of it's population to simply spend money that's a dangerous mix.

3. Hate on a whole new level.

Has any president in history ever been more hated on than Obama? Jimmy Carter, both Bushes and Clinton all had to overcome some hate, but none quite like Obama. You literally have people (since he was campaigning) doing whatever they can to make the man simply look bad. From claiming he's not American to trying to dead any of his political efforts, his co-workers in Washington are literally considering proposals on the basis of "we might lose, but it's okay as long as Obama loses." Some theorize that it's race motivated. Whatever it is it's retarded. He's the POTUS! Show some respect! You think the English hate on Elizabeth like this?? HELL NO! (They do hate on the PM, but he technically serves at the pleasure of the Crown so as long as the queen is happy he's good). Only here in the greatest country on Earth can an alliance of ignorant fools determine the success or failure of the rest of the country. Hate has gone from something frowned upon, to something accepted and celebrated to an actual strategy. And we wonder why our federal government is about to default on it's debts.

The meanest, prettiest, the baddest low-down mofo around this town,

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Humidity defined

This is how Webster's defines Humidity:  a moderate degree of wetness especially of the atmosphere.

 To quote the great cahracter from the Wire, Senator Clay Davis, "SHIIIIIIIIiiiiiiiiiiTTTTTT!"

You know what Webster's leaves out of it's definition?

Humidity is Sweaty ass arm pits and the need for a second, third, and fourth coating of deodorant/anti-perspirant, because you can't stop sweating.  I dont want to hear this is an effect of humidity.  This is humidity.  I am lumping it in there with humidity. Humidity = sweaty nastiness

Humidity you're not off the hook yet.  Humidity is not being able to enjoy shade.  Yep, you damn right i just added to that line too.  You're in the shade, and it is supposed to be 10-20 degrees cooler because the sun doesn't have a laser lock on your ass to cook you. What happens instead?  HUMIDITY!  It is saps that comforting cool breeze and initiates the aforementioned sweaty ass arm pits.  Fuck you humidity!

Humidity you really don't even stop there do you!  No, Humidity is coming home and your house is a sticky nasty wet nonsensical room of nonsense.  Your wilting away like those plants you never water because u figure they should fend for themselves.  If you had a lizard it would be happy to see u miserable to the point u want to stick that bastard in a refrigerator.  You go to grab ur phone and u leave a wet hand print reminder of sweat that it is hot in your house and your cheap ass should probably turn on the air.  Instead you go to the window and what happens...Nothing because humidity is riding that nice gentle breeze and turning it into a sweat magnet.  

Humidity makes death valley seem like a nice place only because it has no humidity.  Yeah, people will actually tell you to move to Arizona or Nevada into the middle of the desert with 110 degree temperatures that will make you feel like Jesus Christ after his friends let him wander the desert for 40 days just because they have no HUMIDITY.  I am dead serious.  The term "DRY HEAT" trumps Hot and HUMID!  That is retarded!

Humidity will ruin your outfit.  It will jack up your hair.  Humidity is only good for growing shit and making u a sweaty mess.  Humidity makes your electric bill go up and allows Republicans to take over the world!  One of the last two things is complete nonsense (electric bills go up because we power our TVs and electronics all day long!).  Humidity let Nelly make a stupid song and a great video/pickup line.

so in short Humidity n. - degree of wetness and cause for sweaty swamp ass nastiness, ill-tempered feelings, stupid reasons to move to stupid areas, shitty songs featuring Nelly, and the end of logic in government!


Snoop Dogg ft David Guetta - SWEAT

Sex with PRINCE

So I got a conference in Minnesota in a few weeks.  I called my colleague out there, and we started to chit-chat.  We got to talking and one thing led to another and she started talking about how she was hoping Prince would come back in town.  Prince apparently had moved from Minnesota.  Also, apparently, he had taken her virginity.  She then told me about a column she had written about the experience.  Here now, Is that column featuring the top 40 reasons Prince is awesome. 

1. Eskimos have 75 words for snow but they only have one word for orgasm: Prince.

2. When a young girl listens to an entire Prince album, she's not a virgin anymore.
3. Women must undergo a rigorous stretching regimen before even attempting sex with Prince.
4. Prince is often seen riding a motorcycle. This is because his balls don't fit inside a regular car.
5. Listening to any Prince album backwards will result in Priapism.
6. Prince can tie a cherry stem in a knot. With his dick.
7. Thunderstorms are caused when Prince makes a woman cum.
8. All of the hair on Prince's body is pubes. Lustrous, silken pubes.
9. Food tastes better after you blow Prince.
10. Doctors prescribe Prince's 1999 album as a cure for feminine dryness.
11. is the world's most successful adult website for women.

12. Officially, condoms are made in the following sizes; regular, magnum, actual hefty bags and Prince size.
13. If you haven't had sex with Prince yet, don't worry. it will happen.
14. Women can't write emails to Prince unless they have a waterproof keyboard.
15. Its not gay when Prince has sex with a man because he's just showing him the right way to do it.
16. When Prince's cum dries, diamonds are formed.
17. Clubs and restaurants across Minnesota have installed ramps to accommodate the wheelbarrow boy who carries Prince's testicles for him.
18. Don't be upset if your girlfriend has sex with Prince. She had no choice.
19. When Prince walks into an office building janitors have to put down wet floor signs around the women.
20. In some cultures women are considered virgins until they have sex with Prince.
21. Prince's penis has its own penis. And its bigger than yours.

22. Prince once tried changing his name to that symbol so that your mother couldn't find him in the phone book.
23. Cut him open and you will find that Prince's blood is Godiva Chocolate Liquor.
24. There are always more fish in the sea. But good luck finding a hot girl he hasn't fucked.
25. Prince sometimes has sex with pregnant women to loosen them up before labor.
26. If you are bitten by Prince, you will live forever and your penis will increase in diameter.
27. What's that behind you??? Shhhhhh, it's prince.
28. Purple Rain is the opposite of birth control.
29. Prince doesn't eat. He gets all of his energy from the sun's rays via photosynthesis. And also from pussy.
30. Prince is neither black nor white. We are all just shades of Prince.
31. Champagne tastes just like Prince's sperm. Because it is.

32. If you listen closely you'll realize every Prince song references sex with your mother.

33. If you get lost in the wilderness, you can use one of Prince's condoms for a tent.
34. If you pick up the phone and say "Prince" the pentagon will dispatch a helicopter full of sexy black women to your location.
35. Garlic and crosses have no effect on Prince. But a full bush will ward him off.
36. If you look closely at the veins on Prince's penis, you will see a line drawing of the Mona Lisa.
37. Prince is the same height and weight as Bruce Lee, not counting Prince's 22lb genitals.
38. Japanese scientists designed a special corset for women to wear during sex with Prince... so they don't blow up.
39. Prince's sympathy fucks are still 10 times hotter than anyone you will ever even be in a room with.
40. Prince once tried to go a day without cumming. That day was 9-11.

so i am arrogant...why arent you?

i realized the other day that i may be perceived as pretty arrogant.  I didn't think that the crown i wore as i paraded around the streets shouting my name at the top of my lungs, whilst a 20 piece marching band played my theme song was such an obvious sign of arrogance.  Far be it from me to to be ashamed because i wipe my ass with 20 dollar bills and i have no sense regret.  Sure, i could probably tone down the talk of flying on my private jet to far away destinations like Columbus or Milwaukee, but that would only serve your well being and not mine.

You see, i am arrogant.  Hell God made me that way.  When we last sat down and talked he told me to love myself and what am I supposed to do, not listen?  Am I supposed to take his heavenly decree and pretend he didn't tell me that?  I mean that cat is everywhere and it is not like I can pretend i didn't hear him.  So here I am in the unenviable position of being awesome, recognizing my own awesomeness, and having to, no....being directed to live my awesomeness.  I mean, I am so awesome, that I don't even have to say anything about my awesomeness because haters are talking about my awesomeness, and how they awesomely hate it.  I literally can just live my life on the low, enjoy time with my peoples, and haters are doing all the viral marketing for me.  Oh, and I know you think you need a lot of haters but you don't.  1 or 2 well placed haters can do the work of thousands.

What does this mean for you?  Not a damn thing because i am not worried about that.  I have faith that you too already live in your awesomeness and have come to embrace it.  If you haven't get to it.
As the wise Kat Williams once said..."self esteem is the esteem of yourself SIMPLE BITCH...what the fuck do i have to do with it."

I will be printing out tshirts with that saying starting next week, right after my game of bags where i will be so awesome!


Joe Esposito - You're the Best Around

Friday, July 22, 2011

Dumb-ass of the week 7/22/11

Shandra Kidd didn’t realize her gun was empty when she tried to shoot a Chicago Police officer. All the bullets fell out when she was running from the officer.
Unfortunately for her, the officer’s gun was loaded. And the officer shot her in the buttocks.  SHE GOT DRILLED IN THE ASS!

On Thursday, Kidd was sentenced to 55 years in prison for attempted murder and unlawful possession of a weapon by a felon.  In May 2007, officers were investigating a report of shots fired near 78th and Burnham when they stopped a car Kidd was riding in. She ran and when an officer caught her, she stuck a gun in the officer’s chest and pulled the trigger. But the gun didn’t go off.   "Oh SHIT," she said.

The officer and Kidd struggled and they fell down. When they got up, she stuck the gun in the officer’s chest again and pulled the trigger.  Again, it didn’t go off.  "MotherFUCK," she said.  That’s when the officer shot Kidd, 22, of the 7700 block of South Phillips. Right in her big ass.  Police later found that the cylinder of Kidd’s gun had opened during the chase and all the bullets fell out.  Judge Neil Linehan sentenced Kidd on Thursday.  “This is a fitting and a just sentence for anyone who would be so bold as to fire a gun at a police officer,” Cook County State’s Attorney Anita Alvarez said. “We are grateful that this officer was uninjured in this incident and we will continue to prosecute violent crimes against police officers to the fullest extent of the law.
They will get shot in the ass if they are female. and in the groin area if male.  CPD, We will pop a cap in your ass, LITERALLY.  Blaze on them hoes for the nine trey." 

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Social Evolution is Awesome

Mexico is the new Ireland. Muslims are the new "niggers." And dammit if our government shouldn't be smaller.

There's an old saying--if you don't know your history you're doomed to repeat it. There was a point in time in this country where we didn't want European immigrants coming here to take away jobs from Americans, but we evolved (or just realized "hey they're white too...") There was a time where Black folk were the scourge of the earth, but some time around 1964 America got a conscious and evolved. Our federal government used to just set baseline laws, but once the Great Depression hit, our democracy had to evolve.

Now we're trying to raise money to finish a wall between us and Mexico (as if we were ancient China), we have Black men lambasting muslims while they run for political office, and we have tea baggers that want a laissez faire form of federal government.

It would seem we haven't learned from our past, and as a result we're likely headed for a repeat. But worst of all, it will cause divisiveness in our country. A side effect of democracy, divisiveness will allow for the ultimiate "death" of our empire. Unfortunately it is times like these we need unity. No I'm not an Obama "hope" spewer. But I recognize and sympathize with his frustration with the refusal to unify behind a single idea for the sake of our country. The divisiveness of this country's leadership trickles down to the masses--you have rallys and gatherings of groups of people who get together to simply hate on a contrasting idea. And while it's awesome we have the right to assemble, the assemblies themselves don't necessarily help fix our country's problems. Just when it seemed we'd evolved, we go right back to what we used to be.

God bless America


His majesty in waiting,

Tuesday, July 19, 2011


Hello evildoers,

     I had to blog today because i just found out that at 48 yrs of age, Michael Jordan is still uber-competitive.  He was asked at a basketball camp if he could still dunk.  He dunked for about 20 straight minutes, and then boldly proclaimed, he could whup anyone in the building, even his staff.  If Lebron had one ounce the drive this guy has, he would rule the world.  Too bad he is all flash and no substance. 

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Go away Jeter

Now that Derek Jeter has limped towards 3000, can we safely assume he will retire and go away? 

Friday, July 8, 2011

Flat butts

Through hundreds of thousands of years of evolution, the world has given each species specific mutations that give said species a leg up in survival. Sometimes, certain traits are developed simply to make one more attractive to the opposite sex in order to procreate. Others are utilitarian in nature. But evolution has missed something key in the human race: ass.

As it becomes more acceptable to celebrate woman with nice, big, round butts (as been done on numerous occasions in his space) we forget that there are still those out there whose bodies did not get the memo that ass is a good thing. And it's not confined to a particular race--it's assumed generally that white women have flat butts. Many white women do indeed have nassatall disease, however there are plenty of Latinas and Black women who are just as afflicted. The issue becomes though, how is this a good thing for our species and why hasn't evolution cured us yet?

Small boobs and penises--other body parts believed to have an advantage in terms of obtaining a mate--still have utility. Small breasts can still produce milk, while small penises can still be used to procreate. But WHAT THE FUCK IS THE POINT OF A FLAT ASS??? I mean it just looks gross. There's nothing worse than seeing an excellent specimen of human design walking toward you...and wincing as they walk away. Seeing that dress hang on absolutely nothing, or their pants falling down because there's really nothing to hold them up. Having a flat butt has to be uncomfortable as well. Sitting at a right angle in a chair has to be bad on one's back.

So come on Darwinists! Hook up the humans! We're already the planet's superior beings. We have plenty of other disease to control the population--we don't need the help of the unattractiveness of nassatall. Sure there are surgeries to correct the issue. But if evolution is so bad ass we wouldn't need it right? Nature would just weed it out. We've been dealing with the phenomenon for thousands of years already. Shouldn't we be rid of flat ass by now???

I'm tired of magazines, sayin flat butts are the thing

Friday, July 1, 2011


Well I had to go see it with the crew of T.G.ED and Bella and what can I tell you.  Well I could tell you that I could have waited for the DVD or even a few weeks down the road when I was caught in a rainstorm and need to use the Movie theater for shelter.

See it was funny, but it wasnt all Hangover Part 1 or Part 2 or even the ill fated sequel starring Ryan Reynolds funny.  No, it was funny because it seemed like they finally took the filter off CAmeron and her potty mouth was pretty cool.

BEST LINE OF THE MOVIE: "Pull down your pants because I am going to suck your dick like I am angry at it"

The rest of the film was ok.  The crazy Chick (Lucy Punch from Dinner with Schmucks - a must watch) was cool and pretty right on with her crazy.  They did a great job of focusing on her extremely versatile facial expressions that seriously give off a meat clever in bed vibe.  She went out there and did what she could to save this movie, but she was the backup dancer and not the star.  AND NO ONE PAYS TO SEE THE BACKUP DANCER!  This isnt Inglorious Bastards where Christoph Waltz was given the opportunity to steal a film which he did to the tune of an OSCAR.  No this was more like Eminem's back up MC outshouting EM with his own lyrics.  As for Justin...oh lord man.  You are funny.   I know this, or thought I knew it based on your stints on SNL.  In this movie you werent even watchable except for one scene where u dry hump your ex.  Even then...barely watchable to unwatchable.

The rest of the movie plays out as only these movies can.  There are a ton of foul mouth lines concerning blow jobs, racking and the my favorite scene the gratuitous shot of a an amazing pair of boobs.  The actresses's name isn't even important since the boobs were CLEARLY the star of that awesome 2 minute scene.  The plot was fairly straightforward, in that Cameron is a gold digging slut who cheats her way to a bonus to pay for a pair of said delicious boobs, finds lust, and gets away with scamming a state test.  All fairly neat and concise and total nonsense.  I mean, creating a woman by using a computer and a barbie doll seemed a touch more reasonable.  Hell, the nonsense that is a civil union v marriage seems more straightforward, but both cases it did draw a laugh.

Rating: 1.5 out of 5
Go see this if ur girl wants to go because it will give you AMPLE time to try to feel her up.  You can also use some of the lines in the movie as a "joke" to portray your real intents..."hey babe, should i pull my pants down...right?  right?  what you know, u can be angry at it.   Get it?"