Shout OUT!

HAPPY BDAY to Bella Baggins (7/6) and the BIGS (7/13)

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

31...1 more notch on my life's bed post

the last 30 have meant a lot
the ups and downs...the ins and outs...
the grind even! but enough about sex
it takes millions of years to make a diamond, but only 31 for me to reach my zenith...and now armed with experience i know enough to know i dont know enough
i look forward to the rest of my journey
to adding wrinkles to my face that will each tell their own unique story
to adding scars to my body that teach me a different lesson
i look forward to enjoying the people i know
and meeting those i have not had the honor of bonding with and selling them on the idea that we are all love
i look forward to teaching my son the same lesson i was taught by my dad:
'it is not the how old u are, but how old u feel u r in ur heart'
lastly, i look forward to being uniting all the aspects of my life and finally having them band be being me
so thank you...PEACE LOVE AND SOUL!!

ismael J

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Interview: I got two words for that...OM-AR!

Conducted over Several Days December 2008

There are some assignments that when you get them, you head straight to a bar and grab the ting tong tiddliest drink they have. This is one of those moments where moments pass slowly, and the ticks on the clock seem to take longer than normal. Still, I have a duty to my fellow man, and that is to get the tough interviews. My job is to go where no man dare go, and give u a glimpse inside the minds of the special. We have had the Air Marshall who didn’t like to fly. I have given u insight into a truly unique personality from Colombia. You were with me when I walked into the den of iniquity known as the Casa de Schweez. Today though I go further down the rabbit hole to interview a man who represents the essence of enigma. A human being who stretches the mere definition of that word.

Today ladies and Gentleman, I give you Omar Juarez, philanthropist, dictator of his realm, and humanitarian.

NAME: Omar Juarez
Nicknames: O, JokeyJokeMaker, Rafael De La Ghetto, the Handsome RightHander, FOmar
Born: February 21, 1977, Planet unknown
HomeTown: JOKEY WORLD (physically: Chicago)
Occupation: Unknown…

Me: So, I see you have a throne…
O: FUCK U…u hear me…FUCK U!
ME: I didn’t even get my question out.
O: Oh…something about my throne…ask me about my Shoes.
ME: Why would I ask u about ur shoes?
O: So my throne was hand made by the elves of the enchanted Forrest.
ME: Fuck are you talking about. Your throne looks like u slapped it together with three nails and a hammer
O: Between us, 4 nails and a pair of pliers!
ME: What the hell is wrong with you?
O: [Begins Barking!]
ME: Dear God…this is going to be special!
O: I got two words for that…NI-CE!

Me: You always like this? I mean since I have been here you have called me 30 different slurs for homosexuals and at least 10 that derogatory to lab monkeys.
O: Ok…for real…no. Honestly, my soul dies each time I insult a mindless butt pirate lab monkey like u!
ME: Damn!
O: Yeah…it is like breathing for me. I once sneezed and crushed this Girl’s hopes and dreams.
ME: By sneezing?
O: Yeah…and I called her a mindless whore who sucks cock to fill the gaping hole her step dad left in her soul and ass.
ME: HAHAHAHA…sorry..that was legitimately funny.
O: I know…but u know what…it is all about the work I put into this. I research. I even got a Master’s degree on accident from all the books I read learning new ways to insult people and make them laugh and then insult them again.
ME: That is commendable. Your kinda like a modern day George Carlin, without the pony tail….wait…are you growing one?
O: Uhhh…no…not at all. [fumbles around looking for clippers] As I was saying…when I am on the streets, where I grew up, I am on. FULLY SWITCHED ON BABY!. BOW DOWN BEFORE YOUR MASTER….
ME: Do you literally have to stand on the table for that?

ME: So give me ur views on life?
ME: So ur motto also doubles for sexual innuendo
ME: You’re not even trying anymore…hey ur daughter just walked.
O: [in an epic Jekyll-Hydean transformation]…and furthermore, if I could better my fellow man that would be great.
ME: Fuck was that? Ur Girl walked in and u sounded like u actually went to school.
O: Huh? What…I blacked out…I think she neutralizes my power.
ME: You’re a punk ass bitch!
O: Owww…no need to say that…that was mean and inconsiderate….furthermore…
ME:…Holy shit she does. Ur normal now…Bells makes u normal.. “DICK!…your mother!… ur an ugly man!”
O: [breaking into tears] Please…my soul…stop [then horror strikes…Bells leaves the room..she was wearing headphones so no permanent damage] Bitch huh…in front of Bells… it my fault ur dick finds it way into….
ME: WHOA…I think she is coming back!
O: As I was saying earlier…Life is about racking, working, and banging the box. Write that down.

ME: So you’re a REPUBLICAN
O: YES…NO..I am in Independent now. IF I am going to make my money I don’t want the Government in my business! STAY OUT OF MY LIFE UNCLE SAM!!!
ME: Didn’t u apply for all kinds of Fed Aid
O: Yeah, but see that is my tax dollars at work! I Am not mooching off welfare or draining our economy like those immigrants who illegally cross the Border…REPUBLICAN BABY!
Me: dude…your fam came over illegally.
O: Fuck them too…should be deported…calling INS now…Fucking drain on our economy!
ME: Didn’t we have a surplus under Clinton…
O: Oh there u go again, you bleeding heart liberal. Spouting off facts and messages of hope…great!
ME: Why do you have government cheese in ur fridge?
O: NEXT TOPIC! FUCK YOU…FUCK YOU! [Barking commences again]

ME: You started a Blog with your friends…
ME: Fuck does that have to do with your blog? I was going to say, you are quite entertaining…where do the topics come from?
ME: Why in Lord’s name are you shouting…
O: Huh? What…who…Damn…I get my topics from the old GRAPE…the MELON!!! They kinda just come out. Again, I do so much research so that I can make fun of people I just pick things up.
ME: it is just a by product…
O: U need a fucking diagram…yeah…Like when I read something like our Governor getting arrested or the Knicks Losing, first thing, I am going to make fun of Liberal Democrats for being anal whores bent on destroying my way of life. Then I am going to make fun of Johnner for sucking like the Knicks. Somewhere in the middle I am going to remember something I read in class one day, and just blog it out!
ME: Amazing!
O: What, my thought process?
ME: NO, the fact you have 200 Ninja Swords. What are your preparing for?
O: That is how I open my cans of soup. That one there is what I use to change the channel on my TV!


Saturday, December 6, 2008

Glen Davis lives up to nickname...

Okay, so I've been watching lots of basketball and enjoying most of it. I absolutely love watching the Celtics play. However, I haven't been a fan of the sport long enough to know whether it because they actually play like a team or if they're just better than almost everyone else. In any case, I was watching the lopsided win against Portland on friday when they showed Glen "Big Baby" Davis in a full blown tantrum that my 3 year old would be impressed with which can be seen here --->

Now, let's pause the story there and ask ourselves some questions. What could make a man that size cry like a *****? Did the Celtics lose? Hmm...nooo. They're up by 20. Was he given an unfair technical foul and ejected from the game? Nope. He's not even in the game and he's still on the bench. Not that I think any of these are valid reasons for a good cry, but man crying under these circumstances would not warrant further scrutiny.

Back to the story. My friends....Glen Davis was crying and cussing because KG "yelled" at him. Are you ****ing kidding me?!?! Really??? Apparently KG called an impromptu team meeting for the bench players because they pissed away a 20 point lead and Portland was only down by 8 at the time. KG reached out and grabbed Big Baby's arm due to the fact that he was standing 2 feet away looking uninterested. I could make the obvious comparisons but it would be a waste of my time and yours because its obvious. What I will say, however, is that I admire KG the more I see of him. Sure, he could have called Big Baby the beeyah he is, but he didn't. What KG did was to acknowledge Big Baby's frustration with his role and that he would sit down and talk to him. You GOTTA love that! I don't know if I would have had that kinda restraint! What the hell can Glen say to that? He acts an ass and KG keeps it movin and passes on the opportunity to call him on his foolishness. Coaches of young players in any sport should not only show film of their opponents but of KG on and off the court. They should study that cat and learn.

Friday, December 5, 2008

Songs of Songs Sake!

These are the songs that I am feeling today. I wanted to highlight them because in this era of top 40s, and DJ spins, we sometimes forget the gold of years past. Small list, and I invite u to add to it.

Stripped by Depeche Mode
Fantastic song, with some pretty deep lyrics. The idea of being ‘naked’ and having to be just u, and think and act on your own is pretty daunting. We all rely on people, but to have to step out and just be u and carry that weight can crush a person or forge them into something bigger…greater.

Let me see u stripped down the bone

Let me hear you
Make decisions
Without your television
Let me hear you speaking
Just for me

Let me see you
Stripped down to the bone
Let me hear you speaking
Just for me

Let me hear u crying just for me

Karma Police by Radiohead
Radiohead was kool when ColdPlay was still trying to figure out what cause to fight against. I am a Coldplay fan, but lets not forget who got us to think first. Songs like Fake Plastic Trees and Creep are just genius, but this one is like an anthem to those of us who want to quietly say, FUCK YOU! And have a nice day. Just quiet rage.

Karma police, I’ve given all I can, its not enough
I’ve given all I can, but were still on the payroll
This is what you get, this is what you get
This is what you get, when you mess with us
And for a minute there, I lost myself, I lost myself
And for a minute there, I lost myself, I lost myself

Bullet the Blue Sky by U2
This part of the song is just cold blooded. The music mellows, and Bono comes at u raw… ONE HUNDRED…TWO HUNDRED! …AND OUTSIDE IS AMERICA…AND OUTSIDE IS AMERICA!!! I am not smart enough to know what the hell he is talking about, but I am in. Chips are pushed into the middle of the table, because I am in!

This guy comes up to me
His face red like a rose on a thorn bush
Like all the colors of a royal flush
And hes peeling off those dollar bills
Slapping them down
One hundred, two hundred
And I can see those fighter planes
And I can see those fighter planes
Across the mud huts where the children sleep
Through the alleys of a quiet city street
Take the staircase to the first floor
Turn the key and slowly unlock the door
As a man breathes into a saxophone
Through the walls we hear the city groan
Outside its america
Outside its america

Everyday is Exactly the Same by NIN
Being stuck in routine is what we fear. The song encompasses today, when that snow bites our skin and we can see our breaths fill the air and wonder why the fuck we are enduring this. The mundane task at work, the crazy person waiting for us at home. Hell, for Cubs fans the failure of 100 years. When u hear it, snap out of it and thank Trent for pointing out this ain’t no way to go out.

I believe I can see the future
Cause I repeat the same routine
I think I used to have a purpose
But then again
That might have been a dream
I think I used to have a voice
Now I never make a sound
I just do what I've been told
I really don't want them to come around

Temptation by New Order
Quite simply the best part of this song is the following lyrics. The thought that what u do and say and think could impact others. This is especially important for me, since I have lil C looking up to me. What is funny is that we forget that others thoughts impact us from above. Some joker fucks up and we all suffer.

Thoughts from above hit the people down below
People in this world we have no place to go
Oh, I've never met anyone quite like you before

Shoplifters of the World by The Smiths
Song reminds me of the FourWinds crew…we were a bit of a thieving bunch back in the day. Nothing crazy, but the song always reminds me of us. The thought of us scrubs uniting and taking over is AWESOME.

Shoplifters of the world,
Unite and take over
Shoplifters of the world Hand it over
A heartless hand on my shoulder A push - and it's over Alabaster crashes down (Six months is a long time) Tried living in the real world Instead of a shell But before I began ... I was bored before I even began


Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Interview: Flying with DJ Yayo

Conducted September 2006
I wrote this after I found out my good friend Yayo was becoming an Air Marshall. Why is this a shocker? Well at the time, he was deathly afraid of flying, and was applying to a job that required constant air time. So read on..and enjoy.

Interview commence.
Raise your hand if you believe Yayo is leaving? Go ahead…raise them high…higher…cause right now…I got nothing.

Fuck it…raise your hand if you know who Yayo is…with the turnover of this team, I am not sure you guys even know who the real Yayo is…so in honor…and this truly is…I will lay it out for you.

“iz3y’s view of yayo!”

Who is Yayo you ask? Yayo is the entrepreneur without the cash or business plan. Yayo is the athlete without the athleticism. Yayo is the metrosexual without the sexual.
Does it surprise me that Yayo wants to be an Air Marshall when he hates to fly…HELL NO…that is Yayo. That is very essence of Yayo. When Steve “2Tights” Martinez says he wants to be an IRS agent and give up about 250K from his currently bloated salary, I say…that fucking guy is crazy. When Yayo says, “I want to be an Air Marshall…I mean they don’t always fly do they?” I say…YES…that is Yayo.
Pure and simple and to the point Yayo.

So a few questions I have for Yayo and I was lucky enough to get an exclusive interview.

On Fear of Flying
Me: “ You don’t like to fly…how will you cope?”
Yayo: “As long as I can drink, I will be. A OK!
ME: “you can’t drink on a flight when you are a Marshall”
Yayo: “oh right [he begins winking at me] I will be drinking Ginger Ale [the winking continues and I am getting uncomfortable]

On Softball
ME:”what about the team? How is that going to be leaving?”
Yayo: “Fuck the team. I have carried the team for so long that I have arthritis in my knees. Who do you think told Steve to wear the tightest pants he could find..ME! that’s who!
You think that was coffee I was drinking…nope..that was a steaming cup of WHOOP ASS I WAS DOWNING. I am tired of carrying you sad sacks of garbage. I want to do something easier like harass people for looking Middle Eastern.
Me: “But your numbers sucked and I regularly outplayed you!”
Yayo:”Please…you think it was easy making you assholes look good. IT wasn’t. I am the greatest of all TIME!!! BTw…remember 3rd base in the playoffs in spring…”
ME: “ Touche….Touche!”

On being a Bartender
ME: “What about your dream of making ‘cocktail’ a reality?”
Yayo: “it pains me…I had that goal…it was a dream, but who says I still won’t be slinging drinks in the air. You think they can handle the YAYO?
Me: “Stop trying to tear your shirt off. Remember you can’t drink in the air…”
Yayo: “Dude…you don’t know. I can do whatever I want…AIR MARSHALL, BITCH!!! As a matter of fact you are looking real suspicious right now…let me get my latex glove”
ME:”Seriously…put down the KY jelly, cause this ain’t happening. Are you gonna miss the late nights and starbucks at 3pm?
Yayo: “No I figure the miscellaneous stewardess ass I will be staring at and hitting in the bathrooms will make up for it!”
Me: “That’s your plan?”

On leaving Chicago
ME: “What about leaving Chicago, the windy City?”
Yayo: “I will fly over and shed a tear on my way to Idaho or whatever. But I have already made arrangements for my Hairdresser to move to DC with me so no big deal. Nothing else here really matters.”
ME:”What about your condos? Family? The White Sox?
Yayo: “Condos…let them bitches burn for all I care. As for my family…hey they have my number. I know where they live. The White Sox are a whole different matter. That hurts. I signed up for MLB live and hope to follow them on my computer while I fly.
ME: “But you can’t use a computer while you fly”
Yayo: [stunned and in disbelief..anger approaching a boiling poing] “I AM A FUCKING…
ME:” AIR MARSHALL…yeah I got it!

On life
Me: “So what is your philosophy on life…on this whole thing we call LIFE!”
Yayo: “Fuck it…Carpe Diem bitches. You have to live your life to the fullest, one cup of coffee at a time. Yeah you could wait for life to knock on your door and give you a giant cardboard check, but not me.
I go to life’s house pick her up and take her like an Asian Whore working the USO circuit. That is the way I live…so I may be afraid to fly, but I ain’t afraid of staring at some stewardess ass all DAY! Coach …er….Air Marshall out…BITCHES!!!!

And that wraps up our exclusive interview with Yayo…more to come at his going away hangover!!!

Monday, December 1, 2008

Interview: Here's Johnny!

Conducted March 2007
This was the first in a series of one, of fake interviews I conducted here at work. I have done other interviews but never at work. Johnny had just left SUA to go Florida and quickly came back when he realized how much that decision sucked. So, we treated him like a new employee and well...just read it!

People ask me..."iz3y, why are you so mean to the new employees at SUA?"

My usual reply is "because i can be!" I mean who are these people that i have to be nice to them? What have they done for me lately? We buy them lunch, we give them cubes stocked with supplies and they want me to be nice. Yeah, i can see why they need my prompt service. Those poor babies have suffered enough.

Ultimately, though, my responsibility is to the FAM, and if the FAM wants me to be nicer, then fine, I will respect that.

LADIES AND GENTLEMAN, let us extend a warm SUA welcome to our new employee. In the utmost respect for this person, I sat down and interviewed him and even included a few pics so that when you see him in the hallway, you will recognize him and offer a consoling and friendly hello. Let me preface this interview by saying, this man is a true character, and please brace yourselves for this truly unique experience.


Name: Johnner Guadalupe Londono
Dept: IT (QA)
Title: UAT ANALYST / Talent Evaluator / Coffee Boy
Hobbies: Basketball/Soccer/knitting/manicures
Age: 27 (34 actual age)
Height: 5'8" 1/2
Weight: ???
Shoe Size: 14 (11 without extended toe box)

Where are you from?
JGL: "I am from Plano, Texas, but part of my schtick with woman is I tell them I am from Cali, Columbia...I even have the accent to verify this line. Watch....Heeey ladies...jouw want to go dancing or sonthing? It is like a charm!"
me: "Very disturbing...owwww....damn man, I am sure you just kicked me...and you are a good 10 feet awat!"
JGL: "Sorry...point shoes are a hazard that I have had to deal with in order to keep up this facade of a latin player. this interview going public...I better use my accent...just in case the ladies are reading!"
me: "why are you fixing your eyebrows and mustache like the guy from Coming to one can see you."

What brings you to SUA?
JGL: " I love IAN...i am enamored with .... I mean.... (JGL slips into his phoney accent) "I feeeel, that i could make all the deeeeference and take theees company to the freeeeaking TOP!"
me: "top of what, and why are still kicking me!"
JGL: "TO THE TOP...This company could have all kinds of freaking HAND!"
me: "what the hell are you talking about? watch Seindfeld...i get it now. Not very "latin Playerish" now is that. I mean, shouldn't you be quoting telenovelas or making up slang terms like our resident Peruvian Prince?"
JGL: "It's Seinfeld...he is universal....wait...PERUVIAN...oh as long as he isn't a freaking Argentianian...I can STAND freaking Argentinians due to my Columbian roots!"
me: "aren't you from Texas?"
JGL: "yes, but remember the back story is that I am from Cali, Columbia...for the ladies edification"

What is it that you will bring to the Company?
JGL: "Style, latin flavor mostly..."
me: "you realize you're in a IT role right...and why are you dancing?"
JGL: "that's me baby...that is how i freaking do!"
me: "seriously, ur stepping on my toes with those things...also, i think your scorpion chain just hit me in the head.
JGL: "can you feel the music...the congas, the trumpets, the drums...."
me: "what music u psychotic...."
JGL: "YEAH....LIVIN' THE VIDA LOCA!!!! you say something...i wass grooving to my main mang RICKY MARTIN!"
me: "naw...i am good!"

What goals have you set up for yourself? What r u trying to achieve?
JGL: "look...i don't know about all these questions? I am just living in the freaking moment. What happens hear me ladies!?!?!"
me: "what ladies man...there is no one else around...and that your cologne?"
JGL: "You like it own blend of Michael Jordan and Derek Jeters colognes. together they are freaking ridiculous!"
me: "I am sure i am permantly scarred. What is that in your hand?"
JGL: "a couple pictures for the ladies. I need you to post them in this interview...for the ladies!"
me: "u sure?"

me: "wow..."
JGL: "i know is too much. Can you handle the rush of woman that is about to come?"
me: "i think i'm good. Wait..what is that rusted out shitbox behind you?"
JGL: "That is the RIDE! Tinted Windows, four doors....wheels. FREAKING GREAT!
me: "wait you have more pics?"
JGL: "of course...hey can you blow these up to poster size? Or would that cause a stampede?"

JGL: "I mean look at me here...this is crazy! I think i should charge you posting these!"
me: "naw dude...i think we're good!"
JGL: "where is my other one? The one with my crew!"
me:" we go"

me: "why is that one guy all alone over there?"
JGL: "what guy...I only see the star in the Center. There is only ONE GUY you should be focusing on. Not my damn body double!"

JGL: "Let me ask you something. Are there gonna be any Italians working there. I hate them more than freaking Argentinians. Skinless Alligators!"
me: "what the hell does that mean?"
JGL: [dropping the accent] I am not really sure. I heard it used one day and i thought it was a fabulous line. ohhh...slipped up didn't I? [returning to accent] "Freaking scumbags!"
me: "well i hope you enjoy ur stay here. You will find we are all pretty cool and helpful if you need anything...'
JGL: "lunch!"
me: "what..what you mean?"
JGL:"I need freaking lunch. where can i get chilli, a hamburger, fries, Extra Large Coke, and another hamburger? I have to eat light...watching my figure. I am a freaking atlete!"
me: "WOW!"
JGL: "I know...ever see an indoor rainbow?"
me: "i meant are u still alive after eating all that? and an indoor rainbow...isn't a rainbow the universal sign for....uh forget it!"

JGL: "YEAH...a rainbow...i am a freaking RAINBOW...and indoor RAINBOW!!!!"

And there you have it...our first welcome to SUA interview. I hope you all enjoyed it, and see that I have made the effort to welcome a new employee to the fold, and to the family.
this is iz3y saying..
JGL: "don't you think i should do the freaking exit...I mean i am the RAINBOW!!!"

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Smile..your earned it... Part V

This vid was provided by Strawberry kiss, AKA, Princess DI, AKA, DJ PhatBeats.
One thing that has to be remembered is that here at FourWinds, we are very concerned about the well being of people and we will highlight those people who go above and beyond to take care of their fellow human.. so watch, enjoy, and raise one up to're good people, and your deserve it

Partner in crime

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Interview: Meet The Schweez!

Conducted in September 2008

I am back and proud to be able to conduct this next interview. Getting an audience with this guy is as hard as it gets. I traversed various neighborhoods and gin joints just hoping to find an in, and finally my day has come. As I drive to Casa de Schwertz, a few things cross my mind. Specifically, how the hell does a Puerto Rican kid from Bridgeport get a name like Schwertfeger? I had more questions but my thoughts were interrupted when I arrived at the Casa. I was immediately approached by a guy who asked me tons of questions about Stats and other useless shit. Past him was the sprawling bachelor pad and complete with typical velvet couches, oil paintings of tigers and Schwertz himself, and what looked like a half naked woman sneaking out the back door. Who is Shadez? Only one way to find out, so with collar loosened and sitting a room with the smell of a freshly lit Cloves cigarette I began…


Me: thanks for letting me hang out man…who the hell was that at the door?
JS: you talking to me? Sorry, the cloves are kicking in, and well you know…HAHAHA
Me: nope…know what? It’s a cigarette man, why are you getting the munchies? And do u know u resemble the hell out of REN from REN And STimpy?
JS: Cigarrette…right…right…(winks) sure. REN..must be a classy guy…HAHAHAH
Me: Yeah…so the guy at the door?
JS: my butler..yeah he got hit on the head and now spews nothing but useless stats. Great for taking out my trash though…HAHAHA
Me: NICE! Why do you always laugh…
JS: I don’t know..HAHAHAHA

ME: so do you have a special lady in your life man? It looks like a bad 70s porn set here…so I am saying no.
JS: come on man…pshshshsh…you know how I do. I just flash the smile, apply the gel, and put the money on the table. All good! …HAHAAH
ME: Can your hair really withstand hurricane type winds and what kind of gel is it?
JS: Oh yeah, without a doubt. I am not sure I can reveal my gel brand, but all I have to say is that a smart guy at NASA hooked me up….HAHAHA
Me: Wow…that is impressive. What the hell is that smell?
JS: My bad…can’t leave the cologne open like that…too much for you to handle. SEX PANTHER…sick stuff right? …HAHAH
Me: mos def…please put it away. Did I see someone run out of here like 2 min ago?
JS: Yep…cleaning lady. …HAHAH
ME: looked old
ME: I am not high fiving u!

ME: Obama or McCain?
JS: Huh? Do I look like a political guy? Deron Williams or Chris Paul. Pepsi or Coke (PEPSI btw). These are the real issues. Though Palin looks like a hot librarian. I might get political now.
ME: ur way quieter than I expected…whats up with that?
JS: I gotta keep on the down low…under the radar…you know.
ME: no idea…and please put a cap on the cologne…dear god!
JS: being quiet equals mysterious…dangerous…
ME: lonely?
JS: huh? I was doing my hair…huh?
Me: nothing…so u like Palin?
JS: Who? Oh the hot Librarian…Oh yeah. Might have to text her. See if she’s down!

ME: What are your favorite sports teams?
ME: Cubs huh…what the hell happened to you? You’re a Bridgeport native. You grew up in the shadow of Comiskey Park
ME: low blow my friend
JS: Well I like the women.
ME: huh?
JS: See at SOX games they actually pay attention, at Wrigley…well they are impaired. Nothing like a little edge!
ME: wow….
ME: How did u start playing softball?
JS: well I just took my love of sports and beer and decided to fuse them together. Normally, I play 16in, cause I like big soft balls, but I decided to go with a little something challenging.
ME: Any other Sports?
JS: BAGS! I am champ…I hustled for money as a kid. I dominated the streets. Some people play dice…I bag it up
ME: I have lost to you many times…the pizza flop technique…how?
JS: Lots of wrist work…LOTS!!!
ME: great…explains the lotions. IS that pina colada Butt Lotion?
JS: why ye…
ME: know what…don’t worry about it.

ME: What type of music do you like?
JS: I am down for whatever. House, Freestyle, House…reggaeton…Freestyle…
ME: nice, ur pretty diverse. It also explains the Fantasy Girl that is in the background but not the Hasselhoff poster…wow!!!
JS: I am half german dick. WE LOVE THE HOFF. I have his collection (a secret panel slides open revealing not a carefully stashed collection of porn but a glorious mountain of HOFF material.)
ME: dear lord…u have locks of his hair..Can I tou…
JS: Don’t even think about getting near that.
ME: you know his greatest contribution is Knight Rider right?
JS: Whoa, pump ur breaks son before I go blitz krieg on ur ass. That man is a national treasure in Germany.
ME: he is American..ur American…
JS: settle down…just listen to this cd and tell me it sux!
ME: (listens and almost vomits) it sux.
JS: [violent words in German]….
ME: relax man..just not my cup of tea
ME: wow!
“don’t talk about the HOFF!

ME: what is ur philosophy of on life man
JS: keep it quiet, and attack like a panther when the mood is right. You think this tiger printed robe is an accident. You think these silk sheets with cheetah spots are accidents. You think I get all faded up for nothing. Naw man..premeditated baby…premeditated. Ready for action…adventure…[phone rings] ‘Yeah mom, I will be by to pick up my laundry.’ Gotta jet…girl be calling.
ME: Dude that was ur mom!
JS: yeah..but no one knows that…not like ur going to publish this…HAIL THE HOFF, I AM OUT!!!

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

the HATERZ Ball ...VOL I

1. I hate that Sarah Palin no longer will be on TV...she was hot and dumb!

2. Hate that the Bears have no coordinators, or head coach that have any damn sense.

3. Hate that Ben Gordon and Luol Deng dont realize that Derrick Rose is their boss.

4. Hate that I dont have a grill, not for my teeth, but to burn up some steaks

5. Hate that Omar laughed at his blog, and had it framed above his bar...

6. Hate that my sister is in Italy and is homesick.

7. Hate that the weather gets stupid cold

8. Hate that I wont leave it, never...ever ever!

9. Hate that i havent won the lottery...might have to change my investment strategy

10. Hate the haterz that hate!

Smile..your earned it... Part IV

Sorry, i know it has been a long time since I have given you all something for being so great. Well here you go, a spoof that is well done, scripted and acted. We watched this repeatedly and used the lines over and over again, just for giggles. Were we slightly inebriated? Yeah, u can say that. Anyway, raise a glass to yourselves, because ur good people, and u deserve it.

ur friend in crime


Friday, November 14, 2008

Omar's TOP ten moments/lines

1. Birth of his daughter - we got a call whilst camping. I hear he immediately passed out, then woke, and passed out again.

2. "Chara chara Yubera Yubera" - he actually got us yelling this out loud whilst camping. We camped a lot and there is nothing wrong or gay about that.

3. THE ELBOW SMASH DANCE - we were at Betty's Blue Star and Omar walks in half -buzzed/ Half-Crazed dressed in Black and ready to rock. So there is a beat on and he goes nuts and starts announcing, " I am going to dance like this" [proceeds to dance] "then go BAM!!!" [proceeds to mimic his elbow quickly risingup and smashing someone in the face] "and that guys is going to be all like...'MY NOSE MY NOSE!"

Omar did this to every song, all night. Just over and over doing his new dance. I hear it caught on in Germany...Schwartz...can you confirm?

4. "THAT's MY FANTASY TIGHT END!" oh yeah, he yells this out right after Greg Olsen makes a catch and we all just fall out. I mean rolling, Def Comdey Jam laughter style. It is hard to make fun of Omar because he is like a machine gun with words and has psychopath's sense of remorse. Here, he just fell on his sword...or did he swallow one?...GAY ASS!!!

5. The SEE THRU Swim Trunks - if there was a day that tested our friendship more, i dont recall. we all gathered at my parent's house since they were in Cancun and they had a pool. guys and the respective women, are having a good time when we turn on the pool lights and low and behold, Omar's NEOn green trunks have become see thru. People fled that pool faster than the scene in Caddyshack. The mere memory causes me to shake.

6. "PRRRRREEeeeeeEEEECARIOUS!" - you will here this come out of nowhere from Omar. I mean it will just hit u like a ton of bricks and punctuate whatever is going on. Major decision u have to make on the spot...PRECARIOUS!!! Should i eat a slice of sausage or pepperoni pizza...PREEECARIOUS!!!! you will instantly feel the spotlight on you.

7. OMAR drinks Tequila - EVERY TIME...i mean EVERYTIME, he drinks tequila he clutches his chest like Fred Sanford and says "ROUGH!!!" I swear we think he is having a heart attack every time.

8. " mother thinks u suck too!" - simple and classic Omar. your locking horns with this man and you run out of material. So you go simple...YO MOMMA! He comes back with 'my mother thinks u suck too". a deer in headlights. I know, as your reading this, your saying, you would have come back with something super smooth...but u have no idea, cause after this the machine gun starts up again.

9. Omar fixes his car with a pair of pliers - so Omar has been driving this Nissan Sentra for fits him like a Modern Fit shirt fits Johnner. One day it breaks down, and the next it is running fine. We ask O, what happened, and he is like, "I just fixed it and all I had was as pair of pliers.!" We were like...right...this man cant hang a picture, but he can tackle Japanese engineering with a pair of pliers. So we ask his dad...this man truly fell out. FELL OUT LAUGHING...Mij and I, just walked was painful to watch...I can still hear him laughing.

10. "I got two words for you..NI-CE!" this is all about delivery with this guy. Your walking along, and say.."damn, 2 cheeseburgers for 1" OMAR: "I got two words for you...NI-CE!"
Instantly, your the Warren Buffet of the fast food world! try it...let someone say something positive and break this out all over them.

So there you go, the top ten moments/lines of my good friend, Jokey, the handsome righthander, sir lucious leftfoot, Fomar, actor, comedian, renaissance painter...Omar.

come back for another installment featuring another of the crew.


Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Rants Vol II

I. So are all rappers going to use electronic filters now? I mean, do they think it is new? This is kind of like when the hip hop community people made fun of Techno, then Timbaland went and heard a beat in a club one time and now people think he is a pioneer. Hey, Kanye, Tpain, and lil weezy the fireman...if u cant sing or rap...shut the fuck up and let mos def get back on the trax. I am sure T.I. would be more than happy to take ur spot. If i wanted to hear a speak n spell rap i would be furiously typing on one right now and collecting millions as i did!

II. Why did the WIRE get cancelled? Why is the Shield the next one out the door? Was it too real? Does the American Public hate great acting and great scripts? I was forced to watch the Sopranos for 7 seasons and that wasn't remotely true or half as entertaining as people made it out to be. It was as bloated as James Gandolfini with stereotypes and cliches. Now don't get me started on PARIS HILTON AND MY SEARCH FOR 15 MINUTES OF MORE FAME. Bring back the shows that actually feature acting, and a plot, and glimpses of genius. Marlo, Omar, Stringer, Vic, Lem, and AVON...RIP. Dexter, Californication, Entourage, Sons of Anarchy, and Rescue me...keep ur head on a swivel.

III. Barack Obama, I salute you. Having a leader u can be proud of is a refreshing idea. Also, anyone who says they listened to his speech and wasn't proud to be an American is full of shit. I am being dead serious about that. U could be a Tax cutting Republican or a bleeding heart liberal Democrat and still see the wisdom, genius, and pride in his statements. Plus, he reps the SOUTHSIDE...BITCHES!!!

IV. Why don't radio stations play Classics? not Classical music, but like old school beats. People still love them, and I bet would listen just to see if they would catch a song that will automatically transport them back to their younger fun days. Is this really that hard to understand? Is it better to like the songs on the radio or hear LOVE LOCKDOWN one more time?

V. I have no issue with Love Lockdown, but it really isnt that great a song. 'Jesus Walks'...stunning. 'Get 'em High'..fantastic. 'Workout Plan'...ass shaking quality. 'Love Lockdown', has its quality, but if u really dig into it, the Speak n SPell sound says very 'stalker on the phone trying to hide his voice as he is hiding in the bushes watching u with binoculars' -esque. And you can't dance to it...u just can't! I tried, and i ended up doing some form of the Harlem Shuffle mixed with Elaine's dance from Seinfeld. I almost pulled a muscle...

VI. Now that the election is over and the ads have died down, will people even care as much as they did a week ago? Why do we need TV to stir us up? Why, cause we dont really care. Honestly, people live their lives and are very grateful for what they got. This is a great country, but when we see on TV that the terrorists are coming, or that we are going to pay higher taxes we get all excitable. WE jump up, rock the pins featuring the cool slogans. We all act like we got Poli Sci Degrees (which are totally useless to begin with) and huff and puff about how the country should be really run. Then right after, shit dies down and we go back to our lives, call up the neighbor we called a 'facist right wing psycho' and invite them over for coffee. Why is that...well that leads me to...

VII. ...Are we ready to admit we are all brainwashed? Not talking about just TV or radio, but the internet as well. The bigger the Ad the more it has to be right. The more they play the ominous music, or the catchy tune, the better it has a chance to stick. If i asked you right now to hum, the Empire Carpet number, i bet all of us in Chicago would know it. YES WE CAN! IT IS TIME FOR CHANGE.
I am not saying we should stop watching TV, just please stop acting like experts because we saw it on TV, Internet or heard it on the radio. If we have no intention of truly examining a point from both sides, then shut the fuck up and enjoy ur life. It is way too short to spend it acting like you work for MSNBC at the local Starbucks.

VIII. Remember all those movies u loved in the 80s? Karate Kid, The Last Dragon (Featuring the two coolest characters ever: Bruce Leroy/Shonuff), Weird Science, and Gremlins, just to name a few. What happened to that child like suspense of disbelief when we go to the movie theaters? Imagine me watching a flick today about the GLO, or a scrawny kid taking on a bunch of punks dressed as Skeletons. I think we have become too cynical to just enjoy the shows.

Then again, maybe we just stepped up our standards!

IX. Men and women have been battling since day one. There have been wars waged, Art created, and books written documenting, detailing, encouraging and advising us through the whole affair. This even after we figured out that our thingy goes into your whatchamacallit. Seriously, why is there a problem? Dont we both want the same thing? Thingy + whatchamacallit = good times. GAmes + fighting = bad times. This shit is not that hard. Damn it I did it again...thought logically. Now a woman is going to tell me about feelings and soulfullness... :D joking...dont get ur panties in a bunch!

X. I am watching mad TV late night, shut up all of you saying what else is new, and I was truly wondering how was I not getting infinitely smarter? I mean look at it this way...I just picked up crazy knowledge. I learned how to move wet off the step and what mistakes to avoid so I don't caught. How does this not improve my intellect? I also know the Miracle Blade never goes dull, in the 50s married couples slept in separate beds, white guys could be racist as long as they were funny and were named Carol, and if you lose all integrity they will give u a show on MTV or VH1 guaranteed. Dude, do not play Trivial Pursuit with will catch an ass whipping and i know how not to get caught by the cops!

-Daft Punk (yes, they used an electronic filter and they had the song b4 Kanye got a hold of it)

- theKING

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Super Powers I want to have

in no particular order:

- mind control
- illusions
- super speed
- super strength
- invisiblity
- stop time

How would u guys get down and why?

yeah...being this bored sometimes is a crime!!!


Monday, November 3, 2008

Hallowfest Shout out - by T.G.ED

Halloween Bash!!!!!!

Yesterday at 10:09am
As most of you know friday was the halloween party and I just wanted to say, MASSIVE SUCCESS!!!!I owe it all to my friends, you guys did not disappoint, your costumes, your attitudes, I think we proved without a doubt what former art students are capable of.

Some highlights of the night

Voda's dick in the box costume - watching Voda constantly smack Alonzo in the face with the "Package" was probably one of the funnier things I have seen, Watching him walk through the house "accidently" running into People only compounded on the humor, But what really set it off was watching him use the Box as a disposal unit, He truly put his "junk" in the Box. What will you do next Voda!!!

James the hipster - As many of you know James refused to tell me his costume, of course this drove me mad with curiosity and mulled over the idea of waterboarding Phil for the information. So you can imagine I was excited when the day arrived for me to finally see what my friend's mind could possible fashion, Enter James the hipster. As some of you know, James harbors an intense somewhat irrational hatred of “Hipsters” (for full view of said hatred please read “I hate Hipsters”) So to see James come in with his tight pants, Belt that functioned more as an accessory then its primary job of pants holding, tight T-shirt and colored hat, I couldn’t help but Crack up. But I think what truly had me going was when he asked me to get him some beer in his pickle jar. Excellent Job James !!!

Saroni and Claudio – I have to give a shout out to Saroni, a newly acquired member thanks to one Justin “el fucking” Voda for not only coming to her first Lopez “FAM” party but also bringing along one of our (Alonzo and myself) High school classmates. Saroni, amazing call on bringing by one of the first people I met in high school. Claudio lets just say when I walked into the room to see you dress as a female there was NO surprise in my mind. Thanks both of you for coming, you both helped make it a great night!

Where’s Phil??? – Phil I’m not sure if the fact that you slept face to face with another man is hilarious enough, or if it’s the fact that you came in the party with a mid drift version of “Where’s Waldo” Shirt. Oh wait perhaps it’s the fact that you had matching underpants to go along with it. You never cease to amaze me Phil…..

Erin, new member of the PCD – Erin just had to mention, great work on the costume , Loved the fact that you knew the entire dance to “When I grow up”. Also glad you brought a friend and hope she also had a good time. Erin how you can dive down carpeted steps in a PCD outfit with a straight face is an amazement to me.

James, Neal , Phil cutting the rug – Honestly while having music blaring in the background was fun I did not expect there to be much dancing in my tiny little house, But I guess I should have expected that nothing could stop the RB crew, You guys really got the partying going!!


Ish patient of the rush hospital(what the fuck you injure this time??) – My brother Helped to organize the Party, considering the only thing he had to work with was “Ish I want a Halloween Party” I’d say he did a great Job . As some know my brother is VERY accident prone and the fact that he stole a patients gown from Rush hospital during his most recent visit was funny enough , but if anyone noticed my brother had his recently acquired injury to his eye. I’ve seen people use make up for there Halloween Costumes but to actually use a real injury FOR Halloween. Genius!!

Ani the bee – Thanks older sister and eldest of the Lopez Clan for helping to decorate the party, I love how my older sister knows full well that I’m to lazy to even buy lights for a party I myself asked for. Those ended up being great for setting up the mood once James drunkenly shut the lights off.

Alonzo the young Hugh Hefner – Alonzo came in rocking the velvet Robe and playboy bunny (his gf Lynn) in hand. I owe a HUGE thanks to my amazing roommate for helping set up the house and more importantly, bringing the Keg. I recently bashed my ankle pretty decent (tripped over first base) and without Alonzo we wouldn’t have had a Keg or 160 jello shots. If anyone got drunk at the Halloween bash you owe it all to this man.

Rolli the scarecrow – I had a DJ set up for the party but he cancelled last minute and The Halloween Bash was on the verge of extinction. Rolli I saved you for last because you definitely saved the party by providing both the speakers and SICK BEATS thanks man I owe you one.

If anyone has more to share please feel free to throw some comments down PEACE!!!! T.G.ED the green man

P.S. some people who were missed Sam Lopez, Meghan Coleman, Brittany Caldwell, Claire ParkinsonSorry you guys couldn’t make the party, you were definitely missed and I really hope you can make it out for the next one.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008


I am the type of person who remembers his dreams and nightmares with vivid detail. I don't always dream, but when I do, I can recount most of the details which is fine if they are mini porn like. Now me they are mini horror movies, and I like horror movies. Somewhere in the middle of the flick in my head, I realize I am sleeping and turn the dream around.

In the spirit of Halloween, I will recount the one nightmare I can truly remember that did a total mind fuck on me. So here we go:

Are you really you? (a nightmare brought you by izcorp!)

Black.. all I see is black. Then a splash of light like a harsh slap, but I am bound. Struggling...what the fuck is going? My eyes are adjusting, and i can see why I am not going anywhere. I am lying in one of those old school gurneys, in the middle of a white room. Someone has just taken off the blindfold and I can see my legs and hands are bound. I am the lying down version of Hannibal Lector. To my right I see the guy who took off my blindfold, his back is turned to me. I try to shout, but the gag on my mouth is making sure the only sounds I make are inaudible shouts and grunts.

He comes over, laughing. What the fuck is he laughing at?

"Oh, u fucking awake huh? Done talking in ur sleep u fucking retard!"

Retard...what the hell is going on? I struggle, and he finally removes the gag.

"Who the fuck u calling a retard?"

" say some of the dumbest shit in ur sleep. Always babbling about some dumb shit or another. What u you have a family? Your smart, and funny. U even think ur good looking. I swear those drugs have u all fucked up. Ur not smart u fucking retard. Who the fuck would fuck u. What woman, would ever be with someone who looks like u...."

At this point he breaks out a mirror and shoves it in my face. That is when i see what he is talking about. I see the object of his laughter and why he would think I was insane. In the mirror i hardly see a resemblance to my face, it is all mongoloid. Bloated, twisted. I finally hear myself talk as i sob. I drag my words, kicking and screaming from my mouth. they sound stupid, i am not me. I am the fucked up version of me. My thoughts begin to i cant concentrate, as if thinking is a damn chore.

Yeah at that point i wake up. I lean over and kiss my son, and wife. I realize it was a dream, but then i remember the movie Jacob's ladder. Where his dreams of him dying in a field in the middle of Viet Nam is really his life. The family and his entire existence he thought he was living was the dream...the fantasy.

That still messes me up. Things have been pretty great for me. I am thankful for what I have and the people in my life, but more so after that night. It may sound silly and i know there is at least one asshole who will take this opportunity to say something stupid about me. Like that the dream wasnt that far off, but whatever. That is my nightmare. Not blood and guts. Not needles and snakes, but that every great thing in my life, my life as whole is not real.

So share with FW13, what is ur best nightmare? Does it still linger in ur mind? Can u dream at all? If not, would u want to?

Happy Halloween bitches!


Friday, October 24, 2008

Athletic Glory

So here I am...3:15 am...lying in bed with an ice pack on my eye. all i can say. How did i get here? Oh...let me guess u have ideas i was in a bar fight or a something cool like that. is my story...

Playing SS has always been my favorite position on a diamond. Since I was a kid, I emulated Ozzie Guillen and wanted to play the position more than anything. I am probably a better outfielder, with a weaker arm, but SS is a calling. The 'captains' spot. There I am, ready to back hand a ball. Makes the throw easier, and keeps my bitch ass away from the ball. The ball decides to jump and it grazes my glove and clips me right under my right eye brow. First thought in my head was, 'fuck, where is the ball?' Second of course...'ur a pussy for not getting in front of that'. Third...'is my eye getting puffy?' train of thought.....

Quick Segue I
I have huge eyes. Got them from my mom who is affectionately called 'ojitos' by my dad, which means 'lil eyes'. She does not have little eyes..neither do I. Are they bug they are big orbitals.

So, I start thinking, can I play through this? I have two homers in the bank for the game, and my team needs me. I am not conceited, but I know what i bring to the team. Comedy! This is now my second injury and I know people are wondering if I am snake bit. I am quite confident if there were snakes around I would have gotten bit! So I stay in a while...check the bump...nothing major. Wipe the sweat off my brow....nothing major......wait...that isn't only sweat. I have a little blood. I pull myself and check it further. I can see just fine, and isn't bleeding like crazy. Shadez tells me I might need a stitch or two, but he is a wuss. Won't play tackle, avoids contact in the paint, and has tried to basket catch every ball hit to him. Mostly, I am just mad I am even having this conversation with Shadez...snake bitten i tell you! Ain't his fault for telling me the truth. Fuck it, I put the cap back on, and play. Leading off I smack a single and play.

Quick Segue II
My dad is a beast. All 5'7" of him is beast like. When I was little, I watched him get hit in the stomach with fastball and keep playing the game. I am fully convinced he could wrestle a bear and win, then have dinner with it and be the best of friends. That's the type of cat he is, and there was no way I was letting that legacy down.

So I keep playing, score a run on a close play at home and not once did I think about my eye. Not once did I consider anything but playing. I should have been thinking about my son they say. Why? He is not losing his dad over this. Plus, he has to know heart matters more than talent. Play through acceptable pain, because it builds character. In life, you will get kicked in the teeth and you have to know it is ok to hurt, but you keep going.

So unofficially we win, but because of a scoring mistake we don't mark the run. I am just happy we played hard, and that i helped. Then another team needs me to play...and i do. Playing is ok with me and my eye so far is fine...then after three horrendously cowardly matadors on a ball, I realize...What the fuck am I doing?

Why am I risking playing with this crap ass team? Being tough is one thing...being a dumb ass is another. Even my dad would be questioning me right now. That and asking me why I didn't get in front of that ball.

Quick Segue III
Me being a dumb ass is not out of the question. Spraining an ankle and continuing to problem. I have done that a few times. Not the best idea...but I ain't no quitter!

I packed it up after thinking about it. I wanted to see my son and get ice on this thing before I looked like the guy who lost the fight. By the time I got to my car, my eye had swollen a little more. What was worse was the cut staring back at me in the mirror. Shadez was right, it did look like i needed stitches. Damn...well he still wont play he weak.

Quick Segue IV
Shadez wont play tackle because he doesn't want to get hurt. this how u go through life. Worrying about pain that isn't there? Then again, his eye is fine, and I look like the boxer who lost.

Time to go to the hospital. Fuck, as a kid I swear I should have gotten frequent visitor points. Hell, earlier this year i dislocated my shoulder and spent three hours as my shoulder hung at an off angle before i got help. NOT THIS TIME I SAID! This time I am taking my mom's advice. I am going to MY hospital where my doctor is. I hear I will get faster service that way. Sure enough I see the triage nurse right away and I am checked in quick. "how long is the wait?"
"about an hour we are tracking"
That is cool...I can do an hour (time of arrival 10:35pm)
Time before i started questioning my mom's advice 12:45am.
Time they got me back to a doctor: 1:45am
Time it took the doctor to tell me my cut is an abrasion and not a deep cut, and I don't need stitches, but rather some medical crazy glue: 5 min
Application time: 3 min
Time I left the ER: 2:25am
So between 1:45am and doc was walking around looking for glue.

Yes medical crazy glue. oh and tape. tape so that the glue wouldn't glue my eye closed. This was Northwestern Memorial Hospital...not Lopez Family Basement Memorial. Sorry Ed, no butterfly band aid. Me and my lil bro debated whether all of this would have ended with one of those.

Quick Segue V
My little bro came with me to hospital. One of the funnier aspects of my lil bro is that he is living out the show 'it's always sunny in philadelphia'. Another is that he is extremely all times. I mean whispering is not an option for this cat. So in the hospital, he is on the cell phone with his friends talking about whatever this group can think of in the loudest voice. A lady in a wheel chair was moved away, and another one was ready to punch him. All 5 feet and 90 pounds of her. Know what though...he came with me and stayed the whole that 5 footer would have been in a world of trouble had she tried!

So now I am headed home after mad hours, my eye half closed and pissed off. Going to sleep, I just think back on it. Mostly, how my kid is going to love it or go run screaming. Quick shower, ice pack, and bed and here we are.

Post Mortem
My eye closed up over night and I am continually icing it. I get to wear cool shades at work and people are now wondering if I got in a fight. Would I change anything? Yeah, I would have gone home I think and put a band aid on it until the next day. Who am I kidding...I wouldn't have changed a thing. Life is built on experiences...good and bad. It's how you recognize the difference and learn to appreciate it. I hope I turn out to be as cool as I think I am. I hope my legacy is that I will play through pain, and not just a dumb ass who doesn't know when to quit. I really hope my son doesn't freak out when he sees my eye, or tries to poke it just to stake his claim to my throne.

as always...see u in yay...well maybe a little longer obviously!

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Pigs and Gentlemen...

So fellas. I have been inspired to ask you this question by recent events, incendiary comments, and general female curiousity: Why DO men feel compelled to stare at women's chests like a deer in headlights? I'm sitting there, fully clothed (some would even say looking conservative), in a business a meeting no less. The man I am sitting next to is making no attempt to hide his fascination with my chest. I certainly don't stare at men's crotches during meetings...scratch that, I have never actually stared. Passing glances in the proper setting, ok, yes.

Is this considered appropriate among men? Are there some "man laws" governing this behavior? Some of you seem to at least pretend to be listening. Others just creep us out completely with overt stares and drool. Is this gentleman vs. pig, or are some of you just really good at it? Break it down for me...

Smile..your earned it... Part III

We here at FW care about making u smile. If there is an opportunity to bash Marky Mark while we're doing it...fuck it.
And remember, raise one to yourself...ur good people!

see u in about yeah,


It is my pleasure to shout out this man, DJ CrateBug. His link was posted on the site by JJ, and I had to know more. So I reached out and got the info direct from the man himself. I also got a sweet ass House mix, which you can get yourself by simply emailing him at:

Anyway, here is his info and hopefully your well on your way to getting that cut. Well worth it!

Name: DJ CRATEBUG (Dj David Macias)
Born: 2.18.1970 Juarez, Chihuahua (Mexico)
Status: Married
Hometown: CHICAGO BABY!!!
Dj since: 1982-83

Influenced by: Local cats in Logan Square as well as the Hotmix 5 & Djs outta NY

Style & approach: 100% Live 100% Vinyl ― Basically 2 copies of everything, live 2 record remixing, scratching, beat juggling and always doing my best to put records together that sound like they always belonged together.

Club Residencies: NONE. Free agent

Radio/Internet Residencies: WBMX.COM (Resident Mbr of "Hot Mix 6″)

Crews/Affiliations: NONE…(yet)
Still haven't jumped on the digital bandwagon…still playing wax EXCLUSIVELY and still approaching my sets like they're my last: FAST. FURIOUS. NO NONSENSE. NO SITTING STILL. IF YOU'VE SEEN ME, YOU KNOW THIS TO BE TRUE.
A heartfelt thanks to brother.

email: for a SICK ass House mix.

Monday, October 13, 2008

Rants Vol I

I. my colleague wrote an in depth term paper on the geo-economic status of the world, then wondered why I fell asleep. Why is that? Why would I choose to ignore something so clearly serious and important that involves status of not only our country, but social and political temperament across the globe? THATS WHAT WE DO TO SURVIVE. Imagine sitting around and worrying about every dying kid in Africa. Contemplating if that McDonald's I had earlier really did shorten my life span by another 15 minutes. Can't do it. That is how we do in this country and most likely across the globe. We cope. We divert, we delude ourselves because otherwise we would go nuts. More energy is poured into wondering if Lauren Conrad will ever do a sex tape and how long before we could download it. Would it be a good sex tape...NO. She is no pro, but we would still want it.

II. In other news, is Palin really that dumb or are we as a people too harsh? If you fuck up anymore, and ur somewhat famous (staring right at u Kardashian) your life is plastered all over the place for us to judge. It has become our new drug, haterade! Just start knocking people down for whatever soulless reason we can think of. So she may have misspoken, and may not know shit about shit. Does it matter? I mean we obviously we only pay attention because she is 'librarian hot'. Let's cut her a little slack? U never know, a sex tape could surface and you would feel like shit....while watching it of course!

III. So if Obama becomes the next President, does that make the White Sox, the first team? Cub fans, that sound u hear is the alarm signaling the end of your session.

IV. Is someone going to tell Mark Wahlberg he can't act or should I do it? Serious, acting like a stalker in every role you play is not acting. Hayden Christensen is finding that out painfully...well we all are. Please, someone stop him before it is too late.

V. Lil Wayne...really...Wayne..Weezy, Fireman...come on. Let me know for real, if even u think your lyrics are any good. Tight beats though!

VI. you know how great the iPhone is? I treat every other 'cell' phone out there like it is a toy for my son, Lil C, theMAYOR. CI-LO! THE LIL FIREMAN! Side note: he knows the difference and wants my iPhone!

VII. Ok, so the Republicans don't want to raise taxes...who is paying for the Bailout? Did we just legalize weed? We selling something I dont know about? Oh, wait, we're finally collecting on those oil wells we procured in the Middle East? That would sure help! Who is charge of our budget, a college freshman who works at McDs?

VIII. I am mad I don't better understand politics. I mean I am creative and can come up with a whopping fishing tale after another, but these guys are pros. It is like trying to hit a Joba Chamberlain fastball. Fuck spin, these guys are telling lies that our children don't even believe and are totally getting away with it. My kid believes in Santa, but not these jokers.

Joe Six Pack: "No officer, that dime bag belongs to my mom who has glaucoma"
RESULT = Jail!

Elected Official: "THERE ARE WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION there..we have to invade....continue this war...we are winning!"
RESULT = 8 years in office.

IX. Why can guys bust each other's balls, to a degree that a stranger overhearing the convo wants to the call cops, but never get upset. Yet a woman says hi with the wrong inflection, and all of a sudden, Blood feuds are declared and Jimmy Carter is called in to hopefully come to some accord with the warring factions. Did a guy do this? Has the male population secretly implanted a poison pill in every woman so that they could never realize they are 51% of the population and, if ever united, would easily overrun the rule of man. Sports would be a tertiary TV option and even then would feature the WNBA and Field hockey. Right now, as of this writing, and in a 4 hour window, I have insulted 4 co-workers so badly, I should arrested for mental abuse, yet there we were having lunch and laughing. Oh crap...let the poison pill secret out of the bag didn't I?

X. Facebook and MySpace users....yeah u with the 100+ friends...really? Really, u attention whores, u have that many people that are 'friends'? You talk all the time, and have bfast on Sunday and talk politics? I don't fucking think so. I am thinking you just started clicking on your HS/College acquaintances and augmented that by taking in all public requests to be added as friends even though u have no idea who that person is. Is this a game to you, to house all these people as 'friends' like you own a piece of their soul. I mean, even I have some people I NEVER TALK TO on Facebook, but at least I know them. A list of 100+, sounds like your compensating for not having any real friends. Sounds like someone needed more hugs growing up, and possibly a loving Mom and Dad. Harsh i know, but this haterade shit is addicting.

...nothin' nothin' u ain't scarin nothin! - lil weezy!

see u in about yeah!

Smile..your earned it... Part II

Well this weekend was a pretty rough one, given the economic climate, and the Bears snatching defeat from the jaws of victory. Still, we all deserve to smile, and be happy. So in that spirit, we present, our Colombian Correspondent, Johnner, showing us, what real joy is!
Remember, you're good people!

see u in about yeah

Friday, October 10, 2008

Smile..your earned it... Part I

On top of music discussions and being preachy, we here like to remind u to smile. Yeah, the economy is all fucked up, but hey, who cares when u can laugh. Did u really need that pea green striped Duvet? I didn't think so. So enjoy the clip, laugh a little and if at all possible raise a glass to yourself. Your good people!

Monday, October 6, 2008

Being a Fan

Why are we fans of sports? How is it that we use professional teams to define part of us? I know most people in the world don't have a team, but they have something. For me, being a sports nut, and a proud Chicagoan, I use my teams. I AM A SOUTHSIDER! I BEAR DOWN. I run with the BULLS with the best of them. I wear my heart on my sleeve every pitch of every inning every summer. I back the Sox in the fan frontlines, and i wear Black to ensure that no one is mistaken. I will get into discussions with geo-political fervor over why my team is so much better than yours. Hell, I even use my fantastic memory and amateur clarivoyant skills to decifer the next pitch, or next play, or next offensive set. I do this with a straight face and no pretense that I am not even on the teams and benefit in any financial way.

The question is why? Why immerse ourselves? I think it is because we like to be associated with something. For me, I like to represent my city. For others, they want to be represented by a winner. Which explains how a colombian with no sense of anything becoming a New York Fluffer. Still, it is our obsession that compels the question why. How we rationalize the heroin high after a win and the depressing crash after a loss.

It is like a religion. A choice that has deep effect. Don't believe me? For the sports nuts out there, would you date someone who roots for your rival? Southsiders, would you date a Cub Fan? Yankees, how does Boston ass rank on your desirability scale? CArdinals, u would bang a bleacher bum, but would you treat them with any respect?

I know I am not alone when I live and breathe this stuff. I know how good it feels to be united behind a cause that doesn't require me getting shot in the desert or laying down on the street in front of tanks. I have my uniform, I have my colors. I have my passion.


and yes...I have not forgotten u, you lovable bastards...LETS GO MORTON MUSTANGS!


Monday, September 29, 2008

Posted with LifeCast
oh yeah... that's a black cowboy!

Posted with LifeCast

Posted with LifeCast
something I can't let slide and that includes purple spandex.

[i elaborate]

So i am watching the Cowboys vs Redskins (cowboys and indians someone explains) and this dude just strolls by without a care in the world. Somethings need to be captured. Sometimes for education. Sometimes for ridicule. This obviously encompasses both.

Posted with LifeCast

Friday, September 26, 2008

Women's Bathrooms

OK, I have to comment on this and see if I can get some confirmation, clarity or sanity about it.

Men all over the world and through the history of time have always thought that the Women's washroom was the cleanest thing in whatever location they were at. When we are standing in line for the urinal or the crap locker that passes for a stall, we envision the posh setting of the women's washroom. We weigh the consequences and make peace with what is the worst that can happen if we decided to sneak over there and use it.

So imagine my bone chilling disgust when i heard how terrible the women's washroom really is. This news totally rocked my world. I am telling u honestly right now, that only married men know that women take a dump and that is their spouse only. Most guys truly think that when a woman goes to the washroom with her friends, they are either talking shit about them or re-enacting the scene from Pulp Fiction...GOD DAMN, I SAID GOD DAMN.

My world is rocked...and I just want to let women know...i now know how disgusting you really are!

How do i know about this ancient secret? Well recently a couple of teammates of mine were commenting on how nice the washroom was and i was surprised.
"aren't they all really posh with sofas and shit?" -naive iz3y!

"FUCK NO...Bar bathrooms are terrible. Woman don't care so they just...." -confidential source

I won't repeat the rest because i blacked out. Totally messed me up. I will now sit in the corner of my shower stall hoping to rinse the grime off of me. Praying the pain will stop.



Thursday, September 25, 2008

Damn I have way too much time on my hands!

What's the protocol for work? Do people really still the punch the clock at 8 or 8:30 and work like ants until lunchtime (~11:30 or 12) enjoy that slice of life for an hour then go back to work and grind it out until 5? Serious, am I the only who finds he has mad time on his hands? I am not a slacker by any means, because I actually do stuff, I just do it quick. At least I think I do, maybe I should take on more...who knows, but that is why I am asking. What is the protocol here?

My dad is a worker. He slaved for over 20 years at a factory where he distributed his unique brand of humor and ridiculous work ethic. Now he is an electrician where he is still doing the same. I am sure you guys are thinking that union guys are the biggest slackers, but trust me when I say my dad ain't like that. (threw an 'ain't' in there in case moms reads this...she hates that word) This is the guy who can't sit still and has to do something. Rip a wall down...sure. Garden is getting redesigned by moms...ON IT! So I know he is down for that 5:ooam to 3Pm stroll, but what is that the norm?

I can crank out a phone system, redesign a network and come up with answers for vexxing questions and still have time to blog, chat, and come up with ideas like a BLOG SITE. Does that make me a slacker? Has the computer made life easier so that those of us who work on it just have more time on our hands. I mean it is not like we are slaving away here. Oh, I see u in the backrow raising your hand ready to shout how you worked all day. Yeah we got it, it takes you 8 hours to work on an excel spreadsheet. how about you learn the program and you wont spend 8 hours!

In all seriousness, does anyone really fill in the work hours, or have we become masters of spacing out work? Does wasting time on something you don't know count as working? Does it matter?

Btw...For music during the day:

To get people to leave you alone:
Angry face and Industrial (front242, nitzer ebb, ABBA!)

Make time Fly:
Smile, and dance music (house set, green velvet) mindless hip hop

Calm u down after talking to dumb people
focused look and ColdPlay and/or Radio Head

yours truly,
iz3y! of the SOUTH!

batting leadoff

so let me start with an explanation for this blog...a blog about our blog.

Me and my friends have been friends since 1991 and we have too much stupid stuff to say. In 1995, we all got pagers so that we could share insightful stuff like, "Hey, I am bored...let's go bowling!" Since then, we have all grown up and despite, time, space, women and school, we have stayed the best of friends. We have also developed our own unique perspective on life and probably some of the cruelest jokes and lines for each other.

So what is the point of all of this? Well, two of us, Omar and myself have decided to rant it out. Get our words on the interweb and see what happens. Hell this could fail miserably or be a source of humor for you cube jockeys who pine away all day and ask, how the hell does Omar keep coming up with lines that crush my soul?

We have absolutely no format, no topic, and quite honestly, I have no idea what the hell he will post. As a matter of fact right now, I have it on good authority, he is currently meditating in his cave preparing his post, and trust me when I say, you should be prepared for anything.

My other two friends don't know this yet, but they will be involved as well, so lets go with a quick overview of who I am and the person who just wasted 10-15 min of your life when u read this. I hope my compatriots will do the same, but i promise nothing.

NAME: Ismael J Lopez
Nickname: iz3y, scrubbington J (bowling name), Fish! (u better be related to call me that)
From: Chicago, IL
AGE: 30 going on 13
Interests: Sports, Tech, and music...I also dont shy from plotting ur demise

I will be one of the Four Winds...i hope u enjoy, and if u dont, oh well...we really dont care.