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Thursday, August 19, 2010

Obviously Jenifer Lopez is not getting it.

Dear ass,

     Its me, your papichulo, and I am madder than I was last week.  I talked to you about how you can make your life better, and I thought you listened.  You tilted your head, and nodded, so I assumed i made an impact on you.  You did, however totally misunderstand about the pearl necklace I said I wanted to give you, so maybe I should have expected this. 

Jennifer Lopez has a very much deserved reputation for being an insufferable bitch, and today Life and Style provides even more proof by reporting her demands for anyone applying to be her new assistant.

“The person has to be graceful under pressure, have a thick skin, and be resourceful in foreign countries.”
“You’ll be expected to travel at a moment’s notice and must know how to adjust in each city.”
“The job is 6 days a week, at least 12 hour days with one day off, but you may not get off for weeks.”
“You’ll be on call 24/7 and you’ve got to be organized and always on point.”
“You have to change diapers, work on little sleep and cook if the butler is away.”

The pay for being a slave toepisodes of racing across town at 3am to change her kids diapers? $55,000 to $65,000 a year. Best case scenario, if you get the 65 a year and only work 72 hours a week, that’s 17 dollars an hour. To get yelled at because you didn’t fold her giant underwear into the shape of a eagle. With gas at 3.20 a gallon, 17 bucks wouldn’t even cover the gasoline I would need to buy to set her on fire.

These crazy requests come ont he heels of news that Jennifaa isn’t completely out of the running as the third judge for American Idol. I doubt that will happen because that delusional bitch was demanding 20 million a year plus she wanted Fox to pay for her the army of assistants and hair and makeup experts. She typically spends 8 grand a day just on makeup. “She costs too much money and doesn’t sell enough,” one person said, and that was back in 2007 when she was relatively popular. These days one of her concerts would be so barren and deserted that Survivorman guy could film a show there. These days her concerts would be a lonely as a "I love Johnner" party. 

Jennifer, please, get over yourself.  That ass is a timebomb, and you will not win against old age and gravity. 


Friday, August 13, 2010

How the semi-mighty have fallen......Jennifer Lopez

"HMMMNN I wonder what I wil wear today-Jennifer Lopez"

Ladies and gentlemen, I am sad.  Sad because Jennifer Lopez has become a joke.  She is no longer the semi-talented Singer/Dancer/Actor she used to be.   She mistakenly thinks that money equals fame or respect.   In recent years, we have seen:

1) 0 movies (Smart move by her)

2) a couple of bullshit albums (She got dropped from Sony, and signed for peanuts to def jam)

3) a line of clothing WITH NOTHING CATERING TO FAT ASSED WOMEN?????  Jenny is the patron saint of fat assed women, I thought a line of fat bottmed jeans would be natural.  Tie in some QUEEN-fat bottomed girls-beat BUT DO NOT SING ALONG, and you got an advertising winner!

4) A dance contest with Tom Cruise in a fat guy suit, AND YOU LOSE TO HIM?

5) and now, AMERICAN IDOL FIRES YOU because you are a diva?

Look jenny from the block, i like you.  You got a big butt, and mediocre skills, I get it.  What I do not get is how your atttitude could have gotten as big as your ass.  You hit the height of your popularity with the Clooney movie and the first cd.  Everyone was happy, and then ready to move on.  You kept coming back around, and for some reason, people paid you attention.  I think its because you still have a big ass.  You should be happy for your extraordinary amount of success considered your woeful lack of talent. 

I remember our nights of passion, the love we had.  Your great ass, my teaching you dancing skills.  I was your fly guy, and you were my fly girl Way before you were Keenan Ivory Wayans' fly girl.  It hurts me to think that you are pushing the upper limits of your meager talent.  You should be on every cover of KING magazine, not trying to talk to dumb ass kids about how to sing better.  Every single kid on that show is better in an infinite amount of ways than you as a singer.    You should be thankful for what you have, and get rid of this sense of entitlement you have. You now equate riches with importance?  There are plenty of rich people in the worlkd that everyone hates like Lebron James, Terrel Owens, Marky Mark Wahlberg, and Rod Blagojevich.   Yeah you have a big ass, but so do thousands of young women in the projects and barrios around the world.  You got a break, be thankful., and stop being a stuck up cunty bitch.  And for Christ's Sake do not ever sell out like George Lopez did and do a chihuahua movie.  You're better than that, not much better, but better. 

Jokey Jokemaker
hood poet

Tuesday, August 3, 2010


I. Ozzie Guillen is a genius...a flat out Nobel Peace Prize winning genius. The guy is hilarious, gregarious, and nefarious! I mean he doesn't give a shit about how you're gonna take the news, he just says what he has to say and moves on. Latino Players not being treated right...IN YOUR FACE BITCH. Remember when Gary Sheffield/Torrii Hunter were whining about African-AMERICAN players and how they are not being treated right because Latin players are stealing their jobs...well in your face bitch! Still whining about Latin Players Gary...oh that's right you are, because they took your job. MY bad.

II: Being unhappy with your job doesn't mean you get to whine about it to the unemployed! I think this is straightforward. Now, you can whine about it at the bar. You can whine about it at the park. You can whine about it at the zoo, with a brew, sipping a stew, but not in front of the fucking unemployed. It is like eating a donut in front of a fat kid at fat camp.

III: Parents (and Jack's colon wrote on this) please stop feeding ur fucking kid sweets. I can't stress this enough. If your child looks like it was inflated, you need to change their diet. You, you can eat whatever the fuck you want. Please gorge on fried bacon, I dont care, you have lived your life. Your child deserves a chance at life without diabetes slowing them down. PUT THE DONUT DOWN AND BUY some fruit and vegetables. They will one day love your for it.

IV: Organic food...anyone? I understand why people buy it. It tastes better, looks better, and they feel elitist about it. Now please be quiet about it. When I buy organic milk I dont announce it. Shit, before this you had no idea. Why do i do it...see above. I love my son and he deserves the best i can offer. Not everyone has this chance/choice. I dont care that a normal family buys Deans...I lived on that shit my whole life. I just cant stand those assholes who clamor that it all should be organic. NO!!! If it was, I would be paying $20 for a gallon of milk, and we would playing out an episode of ROME with my family playing the part of beggar! Organic is good for you..better even. NOT EVERYONE CAN AFFORD IT...oh and before you say something stupid. NO, it all can't be organic. We dont have the resources or money to do that. I like getting strawberries in winter. I enjoy eating Crab whenever i please and not pay ridiculous amounts of money. All organic means an end to this so enjoy your organic, regular, or nuclear, and quit trying to big time people because you can.

V: Just because you drive a Landrover and are barely 21, doesnt mean you can mouth off to a Cop who is itching to write tickets. No amount of money can by class, but it CAN pay your fines!

VI: I once got a parking ticket for 100...I didnt pay, so i got a notice for 150....I say fuck you PIG! I didnt pay....when it got to 250..I paid that shit before they asked for my son! How is this a good thing...wait I paid the ticket. Nevermind, clearly i was outsmarted by the government machine. Though if you have no money, what do you do? Do you call a lawyer or live in fear of the boot?

VII: Lawyers are paid to argue for you. They interpret law, and try to represent it the best way they can for you. They are paid lots of money because they look shit up and present it. They know what to present. Good ones make magic out of it. Before you advise someone what they should do in court when they are paying someone 400 an hour, remember to shut the fuck up. is not like TV shows where there are grandiose arguments and your helpful tidbit turns the tide. No, you're helpful tidbit is common sense and trust me when I say it was already thought of. Watching Law and Order does not make you qualified to bug people paying someone 400 an hour with your common sense, albeit attempted 'helpful', tips. Listen, hug, shut up before you make it awkward and people have to give you a dirty look.

VIII: Why do people make shit awkward? You know that person that asks you for stupid shit and forces you to be the asshole. I mean really? You want to talk and be friends after calling me an asshole to my friends and family? You want borrow my car after telling me you crashed yours? You want to hang out with my girlfriend, but I am not invited? What circle of hell did you come from? Do these people really not get it or are they morally corrupt harpies sent here to drive us nuts? The awkward game...i want to make this 'back-handable' offense.

IX: I love how people are entitled to shit, when they dont' work for shit. Slap me in the face why don't you and tell me i deserved that. Dont work, dont hustle, sit on your ass and complain, but please make sure to collect that State Check and cry that the good lord shafted you because you deserve and are entitled to more. Is that what we are raising in this country. Shiftless, stupid, sad sacks of excuses? Land of free, and home of the shiftless?

X: you can complain about your life...but it is still YOUR life. So quit complaining and do something to change it. For the love of God, please do something to change it. Unhappy with your job, look for another. Hate your man, find a new one! At the the end of the life span, your life is on you, and if u dont like some shit...change some shit!

Monday, August 2, 2010

jack and jill walk up the hill...

so, we are all familiar with that story. Jack goes up the hill...Jill goes with him to fetch a pail of water... Now, i dont remember anything that says he bent Jill over the water well and went to town on her sweet ass. Nor do I remember Jill asking Jack to give his opinion on her BJ technique then dropping to her knees to show him what she learned from watching REAL SEX on HBO.

The point of my rant today is "Men and Women CAN just be friends!" Yes, friends as in, talk, eat lunch, hang out after work and have drinks. You know, friend shit. Jack and Jill be friends and not just the early stages of Fuck Buddies. And yes, i will address the loud women in the back of the room shaking their heads, and saying shit .."no no no...all he want to do is get you in bed sweetie...Watch out for his penis!" Oh wait..there are guys mixed in as worries.. I will explain it all to you.

Grow up people! Friends can be just friends unless they CHOOSE to be something else. See, you can choose to be an upstanding citizen or go rampaging around stealing shit. You can choose to be a good person, or act like an asshole and hate people based on the color of their skin. YOU CAN MOST CERTAINLY CHOOSE TO BE FRIENDS WITH SOMEONE EVEN OF THE OPPOSITE SEX. Just because they have the genitalia that you desire to play with does not mean you have to play with it. It is a choice people. Now are there factors that can cloud your choice....SURE! Alcohol, drugs, Barry White and low lit room, all will make your choice fuzzy, but that goes for anything else in life. Shit, PCP made Rodney King a rampaging maniac who got his ass beat for his troubles. I have seen my fair share of people explode with 'personality' once they got some alcohol in them. I have seen people transform into the incredible hulk filled with PURPLE RAGE, when day to day they are sweet mild mannered people. People choose to be something until they are either influenced or they choose to be something else.

It is a choice. If people agree to be friends, they can be. Men and Women can go out and have fun and no porno scenes need to be filmed. Men and Women can talk and there is nothing that says they have to be any more than that, as long as they are honest about being friends. If you they are lying to themselves, or one person is not honest, well that is something entirely different, and at some point Jack will be doing more than walking up the hill with Jill.

Btw...I am entirely aware that the jealous psycho set of girlfriends/boyfriends/husbands/wives just flagged me for writing this CHEATER's MANIFESTO, but fuck you. I know for a fact that you suspicious muthafuckas think EVERYONE wants to sleep with your property, and that your property can only live in your shadow of protection. I am not trying to talk sense into your fucking warped mind, instead...this is for you. Your property is fucking someone else..and they love it. They enjoy the fact that you suspect them, and they enjoy the fact they are still doing it DESPITE all your crazy psycho intervention. Now go do something stupid to entertain me.