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HAPPY BDAY to Bella Baggins (7/6) and the BIGS (7/13)

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

You know you done fucked up now don't you? You know you done fucked up."

Hello friends,

     The Raving Lunatic has returned to laugh at you.  ALL of you.  Healthcare was passed yesterday, and while I like the idea of universal healthcare, the powers that be will never allow it.  Today on the news was a doctor in Orland Park that will open a health care center, WITH 2 DRIVE THRU'S!!  This is a direct slap in the face of everything that the healthcare plan was supposed to fix.  Imagine a scenario where you go to Mc Health Care, and order pain relief and a side of fries,  You go home with generic remedy, and you die of an Anuersym.  Who is to blame?  Who takes responsibility?  Is this a plan to help serve the millions who will now go to health facilities every time they get a headache?  Or was this an attempt by a smart doctor to keep from getting sued?  I expect longer doctor wait times, and I accept this trade off so that people can be helped.  I expect friviolous lawsuits to skyrocket, and Fast Food healthcare to shift blame on people.  I wonder though, will they have a dollar menu?

The Raving Lunatic
Stark Raving Mad

I Stereotype 50 Words a Minute!

So the other day I was eating a bowl of frijoles with tacos while mowing the lawn and crossing the border when it struck me: I really need some new stereotypes. Not that I don't enjoy limiting my life to a handful of actions devoid of nuance and variation to validate bigots, it's just gotten a little tired.

Truth be told, it has to be just as tired for the bigots themselves. Seriously, if you still laugh at jokes about me liking beans or Asians being bad drivers, that laughter has to be as strained as that of a Bill Maher fan. And it has nothing to do with insensitivity or adapting to modern notions; it has to do with recognizing lame when you hear it.

If you tell me a joke that starts "What do you call a black guy..." you might as well put on a derby, elbow me in the ribs and say "look at the gams on that dish." So in the spirit of "out with the old, in with the new", here's a list of the only eight groups that matter, the stereotypes they are to shed, and the stereotypes they must adopt.


Old stereotypes: Greasy hair; eat beans; border hoppers; lazy; gardeners and maids; smell bad.

New stereotypes: Oldest child eats parent(s) when they turn 50; ejaculation occurs through nostrils; mediocre bowlers; excellent fly fishermen; incestuous pedophiles.


Old stereotypes: Short; bad drivers; good at math; tiny dicks; eat dogs; know karate; smell bad.

New stereotypes: Reproduce by pooping on each other's genitals during full moon; hymen grows back every April; when population reaches five billion, will form Astro-Titan: The Mega-Asian.


Old stereotypes: Effeminate; fashionable; decorators/stylists; limp-wristed; smell bad.

New stereotypes: Lower bodies detach and have sex while upper bodies (where the soul is) remain pure in the next room; have clear blood; cut one in half and it becomes two heterosexuals.


Old stereotypes: None. Just a long, long list of well-established facts.

New stereotypes: Until first pregnancy, breasts produce icing; used tampons can be planted to grow less bitchy woman; can attempt everything a man can do; are all ugly (until you need a BJ).

Old stereotypes: Terrorists; subjugate women; wear beards/turbans; live in caves; smell bad.

New stereotypes: Still wear turbans, but for time-travel purposes; in addition to the face, females also wear veils over the uterus; 70% curry + 30% goat; just blow up for no reason.


Old stereotypes: Ebonics; athletic; like fat white girls; yell at movies; big dicks; poor; drink Kool-Aid/malt liquor; love fried chicken/crack; wear grills/chains/baggy clothes; smell bad.

New stereotypes: Like nice houses, fancy cars, fine wines, attractive white girls, elegant clothes and first-rate cuisine. But, darn the luck, still can't afford any of that. See "Old stereotypes."


Old stereotypes: Big noses; cheap; lawyers/doctors; self-loathing/guilt; killed Jesus; smell bad.

New stereotypes: Molest boys to compensate for Catholic slacking; kill three televangelists every Easter; girls can swallow if a rabbi blesses it; circumcised foreskins are fed to the Jew-god: Zondor.


Old stereotypes: Trailer trash; can't dance; racists; get unfair advantages; uptight; feel entitled; and according to every black comic in the 90s they "be crazy." (Smell wonderful)

New stereotypes: Never hypocritical; never generalize; never rationalize bullshit. And never act like pussies by leaving "in-your-face" comments while hiding behind the anonymity of the internet.

- Your Friendly Neighborhood RoboJesus

Monday, March 22, 2010

Yes Yes i know...the world is coming to the end...

So passing a bill to ensure healthcare for everyone is going to ruin us all? I wonder what it was like when they first opened up public schools funded by our tax money? Hell how did they get away with passing a bill to create welfare?

Seriously, what a vanguard idea we just formed. UNIVERSAL HEALTHCARE!!! Wait, this just in..Canada, Italy, England, France and many others are already on it. So basically much like our music and fashion we are behind. Jesus,what ever will we do? Oh that's right, we will move on and be a true super power. What's next? A woman president! UNHEARD OF and we will truly be....oh wait...all those countries got us faded!

So, lets all take a deep breath and quit acting like fucking infants! Maybe one day we will reach England status where we produce nothing, and our money would be worth more than toilet paper. For now, someone ask the Republicans if their done acting like children or should we continue to watch them make a fool of themselves as they continue to throw a hissy fit over everything uttered by a Democrat. Hey Democrats, we know u run things, but u know...a little aplomb wont kill you. Now pass the damn bill and lets move on to pressing matters. (top of my head... when will we can start seeing a ROI on those oil fields we acquired.)


Friday, March 19, 2010

Oranges By Gary Soto

I do not know where I first heard it, but it has scarcely left my mind since. Now I have found it for all to enjoy.

Gary Soto - "Oranges"

The first time I walked
With a girl, I was twelve,
Cold, and weighted down
With two oranges in my jacket.
December. Frost cracking
Beneath my steps, my breath
Before me, then gone,
As I walked toward
Her house, the one whose
Porch light burned yellow
Night and day, in any weather.
A dog barked at me, until
She came out pulling
At her gloves, face bright
With rouge. I smiled,
Touched her shoulder, and led
Her down the street, across
A used car lot and a line
Of newly planted trees,
Until we were breathing
Before a drugstore. We
Entered, the tiny bell
Bringing a saleslady
Down a narrow aisle of goods.
I turned to the candies
Tiered like bleachers,
And asked what she wanted -
Light in her eyes, a smile
Starting at the corners
Of her mouth. I fingered
A nickle in my pocket,
And when she lifted a chocolate
That cost a dime,
I didn't say anything.
I took the nickle from
My pocket, then an orange,
And set them quietly on
The counter. When I looked up,
The lady's eyes met mine,
And held them, knowing
Very well what it was all

A few cars hissing past,
Fog hanging like old
Coats between the trees.
I took my girl's hand
In mine for two blocks,
Then released it to let
Her unwrap the chocolate.
I peeled my orange
That was so bright against
The gray of December
That, from some distance,
Someone might have thought
I was making a fire in my hands.

Jokey Jokemaker
Warrior King/Poet

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Loser Talk

Hello friends,

The handsome righthander has returned. I would like to talk about the Chicago Cubs. They are losers. Everywhere I look i see promotions touting "Year One." This is factually inaccurate, and wrong. This is year 103 that has passed without a worlds championship. Anything else is loser talk. A resturant making shitty food can change ownership, but if the employees stay the same, the food will continue to be shitty. Cubs fans, enjoy the shitty food your new owners will spoon feed you.

Professional Gentleman of Leisure

Monday, March 15, 2010

Raphael De La Ghetto on..........

Hello dear friends,

     I, Raphael De La Ghetto, have returned to brighten your dull existence.  Today, we look at Wassily Kandinsky.  That shit looks like he tried to do a 3rd grade solar system experiment on acid.  Join us nextime as we discuss how French Civil War period literature was not war-based, most assuredly not civil, and barely French. 

Raphael De La Ghetto
I am an Expert on art

Remember when............

Hey all, remember when:

1)  Gas was under 3 bucks a gallon?
2)  Ice Cube scared America with his blackness?
3)  MC Hammer made us all dance to Rick James riffs
4)  The Los Angeles Clippers made the playoffs that one year?
5)  Pitchers like Jeremi Gonzalez, Mark Prior, Mike Sirotka, Jim Parque, and Jaime Navarro filled us with hope?
6)  remember music acts such as ABC, BELL BIV DEVOE, JADE, 311, and TOTAL?
7)  Remember when the Suntimes was only available in paper form and cost 25 cents?
8)  Remember the price of the trib went up so the Cubs could sign Ryne Sandberg?
9)  Remember Ryne Sandberg?
10) Remember The frenzied panic the bells the paletero rung would get you in to?
11)  Remember "Toni Kukoc?"
12)  Remember "Choose -your-own-adventure books?"
13)  Remember Where in the World is Carmen San Diego?
14)  Remember computer games with a black screen and green characters?
15)  Remember a wicked house beat being heard for the first time?
16)  Remember "Rapping to a girl/boy"  was the thing to do?
17)  Remember when McDonalds was a once in a while treat?
18)  Remember when anything past 79th was the "FAR SOUTH SIDE"
19)  Remember when anything North of Downtown was essentially another state/world?
20)  Whats your fondest memories of growing up?

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Moral Hazards

Sho-nuff is back to blow your mind just in time for spring!

Recently, I engaged in a discussion about whether or not federal funds (i.e. your taxes and mine) should be spent to subsidize abortion. As promised I won't get into politics here (it's 2010--gotta move on and step the game up) but it did get me thinking about our morals as a society (our societal mores if you will).

Morals in and of themselves (like "truth") are flawed. Much like history is written by the winner, morals are set by the majority. They are subjective; what's right to me may be wrong to you. Sure there are universal rights and wrongs--killing someone, the ability to choose for ones self and physical freedom are some examples. It's the "gray" areas where we start to get into "majority rules" versions of right and wrong--killing someone is OK if you are in immediate danger or you're saving the life of another. Each scenario brings its own problems. Take the aforementioned abortion example. Pregnancies that are the result of rape or incest (or in some developing countries sex slavery) are generally exceptions many pro-lifers are willing to concede. Suddenly something that was morally wrong is made right.

Which brings up the next flaw in morality--it constantly evolves. Our views of what's right and wrong change over time. It was considered completely "right" a few hundred years ago for Blacks not to be considered people, for women not to have the right to vote and for white men to dominate the planet. Now those things are considered wrong (for the most part). Humans continue to evolve and become more complex so it makes sense that our ideas of what is right and wrong do as well. This seems like a great idea except there are those in our world that claim a monopoly on what is right and wrong (ahem--religious zealots). The irony in this is that even the purported sources of morality in our society themselves evolve.

Consider that humans have gone from being multi-theistic pagans to concentrating primarily into three monotheistic ideologies. What was right and wrong hundreds thousands of years ago has changed as we went from worshiping the sun to giving thanks to Allah/Yahweh/God. How we dealt with sin and sinners changed. How we dealt with the poor and diseased changed. Sometimes the message of what God says changes depending on the week/denomination/religion. Even how we spread these ideas of right and wrong has changed--what was once forced by the threat of death is now "taught." Suddenly now we think we have it all figured out and that a thousand years from now we won't believe something else is right or wrong. (It's one of the things that frustrates me the most about Christianity--Christians have a monopoly on morality, God, salvation, etc. But since it's 2010, can't talk about religion).

Having said all that what to do then with these moral debates (like paying for abortions)? First we need to understand and come to grips with the fact that not one person or one group knows for certain what's right and what's wrong. (I could go as far as to say that because of this there is no such thing as "right" or "wrong" but that may be a stretch). Everyone should be free to make their own decisions and deal with the consequences. If a woman wishes to terminate a pregnancy then let her deal with the physical, mental and spiritual toll it will have. If someone wishes to kill a person or three then let them deal with the possibility of spending the remainder of their life in jail and possible death. Eventually there is an equal and opposite reaction for every action. It's simple physics. So instead of judging the choices others make (or even the choices they MAY make) let the matter work itself out.

Which of course would require each of us to slowly step down from our various soap boxes and put them away. I realize this is easier said than done for most. Except that all of us standing on those boxes should realize that we haven't always made the best choices and oftentimes been at the base of those boxes being judged. I say stop worrying about everyone else and gird up your own loins--the piper will get paid with your help or not.

Kiss my converse!

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

What i should have said was...

Like most athletes Torii Hunter should have kept his mouth shut and just let his play do the talking. As follows:

- "People see dark faces out there, and the perception is that they're African American, they're not us. They're impostors."

- "Even people I know come up and say, 'Hey, what color is Vladimir Guerrero? Is he a black player?' I say, 'Come on, he's Dominican. He's not black.' "

- "As African-American players, we have a theory that baseball can go get an imitator and pass them off as us,"

- "It's like they had to get some kind of dark faces, so they go to the Dominican or Venezuela because you can get them cheaper. It's like, 'Why should I get this kid from the South Side of Chicago and have Scott Boras represent him and pay him $5 million when you can get a Dominican guy for a bag of chips?'

- "I'm telling you, it's sad."

Bitch please!!! Samuel Sosa, Vladimir Guerrero, Jose Contreras, Juan Uribe, Alfonso Soriano, Damaso name a few. Just by reading the back of their shirts you are unable to tell that these people are not black? Seriously? For real? Should i throw in the light skinned Latinos just in case people mix them up also?

As for Latinos being lured to the United States for a bag of chips. They may come for a bag of chips but they go home owning the potato farm. See, they enter into their first contracts for a few dollars but they umm what do you call hard! Play hard! Train hard! and then they do what Jay-Z does and "getz pizzaid!"

Also, Boras or hunter go on to say "We will lose this game if the best athletes are not playing baseball." Just because blacks are the majority of MLB and NFL teams doesn't mean they are the best athletes. 2 sports! Hockey, Rugby, Soccer, Tennis (other than the Williams' sisters), any type of car racing, cycling, and on and on. Oh wait they are good at track and field events.

But isn't it ironic that blacks are good at sports that involve fleeing a crime scene? They can run like the dickens can't they? You'd have thought with all the cars they steal there would be a NASCAR or Formula 1 negro league by now.

Shut the fuck up Torii! Hit the ball, catch the ball and throw the ball!

The shame is this takes away from the meat of the article. The lack of inner city black kids playing baseball is a travesty because it would probably keep them out of the trouble many of them find themselves in.

Monday, March 8, 2010

These were my thoughts during my lunch break.

Hello friends,

These are my thoughts:

1) The Hurt Locker sucked. It was a tense movie that was powerfully anti-climactic. I believe this was just some thinly vwiled attempt to make an Anti-war movie. All it did I bet was imspire more people to sign up for bomb squad duty. Suck it Hollywood.

2) Where are all the smoking hot Asian women in Hollywood?

3) The best movie of the year was UP.

4) Monique won for best supporting actress in PRECIOUS. correct me if I am wrong but this is the award she won for being a terrible black mother to a fat kid with AIDS? I am sure that the black community is going "DAMN, if we dont get naked (Halle Berry), or act like a scumbag gangster (Denzel Washington), we won;t win shit!" I look forward to a movie about basketball. because that seems to be the area where race will not be an issue.

5) Wide Reciever Anquan Boldin was essentially traded for a pack of Camel Lights. Where were the Bears?

6) I just checked, Boner is still dead.

7) Allen Iverson is a drunk gambler.

8) Navy SEAL Julio Huerta from Blue Island, is being charged for dereliction of duty for failing to safeguard the life of Ahmed Abed. Who is Ahmed Abed? Convicted terrorist who was famous for bobbytrapping corpses that would explode when Americans tried to bury dead enemies. He had crucial info, and someone looked at him to harshly and he began to whine about mistreatment. I say, you get the info by strapping that guy to the front of a humvee, and using him as a human shield.

9) All efforts to locate Shavar Ross, have thus far been to no avail. Who is Shavar Ross? He starred in BLADE,..... no wait, he was "DUDLEY" on Diff'rent Strokes

10) Allen Iverson just won an academy award for drinking and gambling.

11) Julio Huerta deserves an Academy Award for being bad-ass and saving thousands of lives.

12) James cameron deserves and oscar for basically taking the plot of Disney's Pocahontas, and recasting it with blue cats.

13) I did not see Boners image on the Oscars when they paid tribute to the stars that have died this year. I did see requiems for Jennifer Lopez' recording career, Tiger's marriage, Obama's presidency, the San Antonio Spurs, the Arizona Cardinals, Toyota, the Chicago Cubs outfield, the Hartford Whalers, the United States Postal Service, the McRib, Shamrock Shakes, Julia Robert's importance, Mexican Soccer powerhouse team San Luis, No taxation without representation, Japanimation show, Cowboy Beebop, innocence, under 10 dollar movie tickets, under 3 dollar gas, Lou Pinella, and the New York Knicks regular practice of raping secretaries in the back of Ford Explorers, and all things that were labeled "Limited time only."

14) Smoking hot Asian women deserve oscars. If we acknowledge them, maybe they will come around more often. It works with stray cats , the cast of the jersey shore, and Barbara Streisand.

15) The oscars should nominate 20 movies next year, and at least 12 of them should be Tyler Perry Movies. This will not get us any close to a black director winning an oscar, but it will show what a fucking farce the Academy Awards are. FUCK YOU HURT LOCKER.

Friday, March 5, 2010

I'm just saying...

Today was the first day of free agency in the National Football League. As a Chicago Bears fan i was glued to my computer and car radio all day. As my morning began they had signed Brandon Manumaleuna. He is a 6-2, 295 pound beast of a man who plays the position of tight end. His familiarity with a Mike Martz run offense and the fact that he is basically an additional offensive lineman is something the Mikes can hopefully work wonders with.

Towards early afternoon defensive end Julius Peppers and running back Chester Taylor made their way to Halas Hall as well. Rumor had it they were taking their physicals in order to sign their contracts. The possibility of adding a tailback with limited wear and tear, nice receiving ability and a reputation as a solid third down back would be an exceptional complement to Matt Forte who had a disappointing Sophomore season. Julius Peppers was the prize of the day. A freak of an athlete who has averaged at least 10 sacks a year his first 8 years in the league. Although he has been known to take a few plays off here and there he instantly is the stud of the defensive line. People are worried that he may pull a Tommie Harris and not produce after his big pay day but only time will tell. An instant upgrade on the defensive line as well as a fresh Brian Urlacher, who played less than half of a game in the past year and a half, will hopefully produce one of the fiercest defenses in the NFL.

As the rumors became reality and all three players were introduced to the waiting Chicago public i couldn't help but cringe as i listened to The Score. Massive amounts of people called in to complain about the Greg Olsen situation. Rumors have it he is on his way out of Chicago. In a Mike Martz system he is worthless. I believe the most catches a tight end has had in this type of offense is not what G-reg expects to produce. Understandably, rumor has it he has spoken with his agent and wants out. In my opinion good riddance. He is sure handed but is unable to produce yards ofter the catch or block a baby from chasing after their bottle. If he was a mugger and tried to rob a senior citizen they would be able to tackle him with limited effort. Callers, however, were of a different opinion. They wanted him to stick around and couldn't believe the Bears would let a talent like him slip through their hands.

We just landed an opportunity. An opportunity to make our team better. In no way am i comparing this day to October 27, 2005 but it reminded me of it. Instead of cherishing the White Sox Championship a few callers actually called in to wonder what was going to happen in 2006. Are you kidding me?!?!? We just won the World Series and they were all worried about Paulies contract situation. Let in sink in brother!

I put out a challenge. I challenge Chicago sports fans to quit your bitchin'. Quit bitchin' about goats, black cats, curses, nerds who wear headphones and turtlenecks who had nothing to do with a player missing a foul ball, not having a good enough goalie when you have the best offense in the NHL, Jay Cutler throwing too many picks because he had no one to throw to and no offensive line to protect him, a heavy pitcher who should have won 2 or 3 Cy Young Awards by now but does not put his full effort into the game, a coach who doesn't know how the hell to coach the Bulls past an aging Celtics team without K.G. and a stuttering excuse for a coach who, granted, took your team to the playoffs 2 consecutive years but was swept both years.

Enjoy the fact we just signed three impact players. Enjoy basking in the bleachers drinking a beer. Enjoy Derrick Rose and his unlimited potential. Enjoy Patrick Kane and John Madden. Enjoy watching the 2005 World Champions as they trot out their kick ass rotation and atttempt to win their 2nd championship in 5 years. Nothng is as dope as being a Chicago sports fan. Don't waste away your time bitchin' about it, embrace it. Try to be as positive about it as you can. Think about it! It could be worse! You could be stuck in Nebraska or Idaho and have no one to root for. Instead you carry the pride of rooting for a Chicago team rich in tradition, no matter which team you root for.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Get off my lawn you little bastards!!

As most of you may not know recently I've decided to try my hand at children's literature. Not that I don't enjoy dumping my bitterness and hostility on you people, I just question its effectiveness. Because anyone reading this is either a) 13-24, in which case you're jaded because it's cool, or b) 25+, in which case you're jaded because you know life sucks.

Either way, it's impossible to crush hopes that don't exist. That's why I'm setting my literary sights on children; because they are full of joy and dreams that can be effectively quashed. Below, some of the books that will, fingers crossed, remove the twinkle from children's eyes and replace it with the listless gaze you see when you look in the mirror.

The Little Engine that Understood the Futility of Trying - A must-read for any child with unrealistic goals, this book follows a pessimistic little train fully aware of its limitations. It's sure to have your kids repeating "I don't think I can. But even if I could, what would be the point?"

Everyone Poops. Except Timmy, Because He Got A Colostomy - A brisk read conveying to children that, yes, 99% of the time life goes according to plan, but you just might end up shitting in a bag the rest of your life. Illustrating however innocent or decent you may be, you are never safe from an uncaring universe that considers you just another speck of matter, if it considers you at all.

Charlie & the Abandoned Warehouse - Celebrate with Charlie as he unwraps his Golden Food-stamp and the eccentric Billy Bonka takes him on a tour of America's Rust Belt. Four naughty children are along for the ride and learn valuable lessons, but they, along with the kind-hearted Charlie, are all doomed to the same fate - scrounging for food in a barren landscape that was once a mighty nation.

The Needy Tree - The tale of a relationship between a boy and a tree. Initially things seem ideal for the boy as the tree satisfies his every wish. But he soon realizes the tree isn't selfless, but craves constant validation and praise. What appears to be genuine love is merely the tree possessing the boy's body and mind to stroke its own ego. The boy, feeling trapped and stifled, runs off with other trees. And after many empty threats, the tree finally chops itself down.

Scarlett's Web and the Tasty Pig - Centers on a girl, a tiny pig and an amazing spider. One day the girl sees the family pig's new litter contains a runt. She pities him and names him Bilbur. The next day she sees something amazing - a barn spider has spun the message "Just a goddamn pig" into its web. She dismisses this odd occurrence and continues her day.
But the next day the web holds a more detailed message reading "Seriously, are you so desperate for affection that you would befriend a walking side of bacon? There's nothing more pathetic than someone who can't make human friends so they buddy up to animals just because animals don't have the ability to reject them." This resonates with the little girl. That night she and her family dine on her delicious little friend. Then they kill that spider.

No, Margaret. God Isn't There; Only a Dark Void Laughing At Our Insignificance - Let your preteen girl become disillusioned as Margaret learns every comforting idea she has ever been told is a lie. Beyond faith, I also tackle growing up in the chapter titled "Vagina Blood Means You're a Whore."

Where's AWOLdo? - For fatherless children only, this book will provide your tike with hours of fun as he or she searches for items in one large picture. But one thing they won't find is AWOLdo, the representation of the father they never see. He's nowhere to be found, but there's still plenty of fun to be had. Keep an eye out for the woman shouting "You're the reason he left!", a Nerf football with a birthday card taped to it, and a $300 check that appears on every third page.