Rants Vol III

I. So here we are getting closer and closer to a new Era. On Tuesday, Barack is going to put his hand on the bible and swear to be the best President he can be. Their will be a celebration and people are going to rock out. The country, then and only then, will move into this new era of hope. We will transition from the evil Republican party to the promise of change brought to you by Democratic Party. Planet rejoices, the US has a black president...

END OF STORY...

Wow are we the most conceited country on this planet or is just me? Who the fuck cares about the color of his skin? Just be a good leader, and attempt to reverse this wave of negativity and economic downturn. IF you have time, try to figure out why the WIRE was cancelled.

II. What the hell is with this weather we are having in Chicago. I know, how the hell do you rant about the weather. Who am I complaining to? Simple, when it gets this ridiculously cold, I have the right to freak out. I mean, come on, -17...really ..-17. If it wasn't for my love of this city and utter hate for fucking people from Florida, I would be living there right now.

III. Why do people think it is ok to work from home? Serious...WORK FROM HOME? Why do we have offices then? Why take the time to contruct cubes, throw up drywall, and build sophisticated networks so that people can work, when they can just work from home? Oh, I know because people swear that they get more work done at home than at work. Here is an off the wall idea...how about u learn to manage your time better and get your work done at work? You know when you are at home, more work is coming in here. Sure you knocked out that report and watched Oprah in your PJs...but there is more work to do. It is ridiculous to hear, this lame story about not being distracted at home and that you can focus better. Just call it what it is and say you want a Vacation day without taking the time, but please dont try to sell me this bullshit.

IV. Here is why men lie...because WOMEN CANT HANDLE THE TRUTH! [insert diatribe about how women are irrational, hormonal, and emotional] Whew...and further more..[insert comments about how women have been conditioned to think illogically] And to sum it up...we just don't want the grief. Women can't understand that men do dumb shit with other men because we can. We are overgrown monkeys who only have a leg up on our simien brothers because we have opposable thumbs and sharper clothes. WE CAN PLAY BAGS FOR THREE HOURS!!! SURE WE CAN VENT WHILE WATCHING SPORTS AND NEVER MENTION THE REAL PROBLEM! AND YES, WE CAN SPEND AN ENTIRE AFTERNOON/NIGHT ON FANTASY SPORTS/CARDS/DRINKING/BULLSHITTING without it being a grand declaration of independence from your draconian (read blood sucking) rule. Wait...that last part might be a lie...but I am sure you are already deciphering that and KNOW the real meaning.

V. Pineapple Express...wow...has anyone seen it? This is the first movie, in my long, and illustrious career that I couldn't finish. Just couldn't do it and I am wondering if I am the only one. Seth Rogan...we got it...you like to smoke weed and are a total fuck up. Can we get another character out of you? Wait, can we get our first character out of you? Do you even know the camera is rolling or are they just getting u really high and what we are seeing is the result of u freaking out because it was some good shit. James Di Franco...u can't act, but this had to have been ur best role. Though I am sure you were high as hell and had no idea. I am almost dead certain Judd Apatow took exception with Spielberg and Lucas when they decided the American Public was stupid, and released that Bizarro Indiana Jones on us knowing they would rake in billions of dollars. The Apatow crew prolly figured it could just get real high, film a series of random acts, sans script or direction, and do the same. Worst case, they might get to see Rosie Perez's tits...totally not worth it.

VI. When someone is really dumb or does continual dumb ass things do you tell them straight away? Is it like not waking a sleep walker when they are sleepwalking, or should u just shock the system? Case in point, Rod Blagojevich...I would normally rant on an athlete, but u G-Rod...u slay me. Ur dumb ass lucked into a politcally powerful family, and were so easily controlled, they made u governor. Great job, crazy power, and all they wanted u to do was wave, live in the mansion once in a while and try not to get caught doing something stupid.

Instead u alienate your power base, and decide you are kingpin and tried to make kingpin moves. You would think your wife would step in and help you...NOPE. She had her hopes and dreams too and wanted to make her moves! You're basically Shane Vendrell from the Shield. A moron who thought he was a criminal genius. Being a CUB fan did not help. Dude, do not warn people about being bugged, WHEN UR BEING BUGGED!

Oh, and Adam 'Pacman" Jones, Dont think I forgot about u. How many times are you gonna fuck up? Oh I know you are not the brightest bulb, but come on man. You had a four person security team around you and that didnt work. RIDICULOUS!!! Strip club incidents, another strip club incident...and yet another strip club incident. Either stop going, or open ur own on an island...u have that option!

VII: When did it become ok to drive like an asshole when it flurries outside? It is like people have determined it is a free for all on the freeways. On a normal sunny day, you would never tailgate a car, or slam on ur breaks becuase you are exiting on an off ramp. Drop some flurries and people swear they are driving in an indestructable tank. Merging as if some invisible forcefield protects them and determining that they can honk their horn as if they just were granted the title of supreme ruler.

VIII. So my thinkers out there...can i talk at u for a second. You know who u are. You're the people who's brains lock up when posed almost any question. You're the cats who take 4 mintues to make a decision that should take 1 or 2 seconds, yet expect everyone to patient with you. You are also the people who swear they know the best of course of action, DESPITE...DESPITE no knowing a damn thing of what ur talking about because ur brain does not have the capacity or fortitude to handle such knowledge.
For example, I hate those people who wax on about baseball, but couldnt play the game, feel the game, or watch the game. Quit crying every freaking time a guy makes an out. It is part of the game and no you couldnt hit that ball.
Or the smart people in your meetings who propose that off the wall, "where the fuck did that come from shit" that even makes u wonder if u were paying attention, until u notice everyone else is making the same face except the thinker. Please...just keep to yourself and continue playing with ur crayons.
Finally, you have the one who can't order from a menu...and start asking for shit not on the menu and proclaiming stuff like "Why can't they serve that salad from the other place?" Because you're at another fucking restaurant, so get what they have or shut the fuck up.
Thinkers, I know ur parents told u, u were special. Trust me when I say this though, leave the thinking to the qualified, that would be the people who actually know what they are talking about, and u just sit there and look pretty!

IX: My son gets up and pees in the corner from time to time. Should I be concerned that he thinks he is a dog, or proud that he has grasped the nuances of public urination?

X: How does pornography ask for a bailout? How does an industry built on fucking cry that they are getting fucked? One, we all love porn. Yes, even those of you who swear u dont...u do. Two, no one will admit it, much less try to bail it out. There is no way a Senator is saying, "You know what, lets fork over 100Million because i need to get my rocks off on babysitter fantasies."
NO NO NO...strip clubs will just get more money. People will shy away from videos or simply pop in their old warped ones. Hell, they will just download from the plethora of options available to them from the infinite resources known as the interweb. Don't ask for a bailout people...just keep making quality shit, and if Hustler or GGW enterprise goes under...oh well. I still gets mine! Make a better product and quit buying G5s...this goes for you too Auto industry!

EXTRA CREDIT: This is a quick one...doesn't it say THOU SHALL NOT KILL...in the Koran, Torah, and Bible? Am I missing something?

the one who is like water,
-iz3y!