Halloween is here and once again no one seems to give a shit. Perhaps people discovered they can drop $5 on a sack of candy instead of spending $50 to dress their kids like characters from a shitty movie and hauling their whiny asses around town for three hours only to end up with two tiny Snickers and some Smarties.
Sure, that could be the reason, but for the sake of this blog, I'm going to say it has to do with the fact that Halloween has no official mascot. Every other holiday has its mascot: Christmas has Santa Claus, Easter has its bunny and Thanksgiving has its dead Indian.
You could say the Devil is Halloween's mascot, but the religious connotations hardly make him ideal. The other mascots I mentioned are lovable and cuddly; Santa and the Easter Bunny are what allow their respective holidays to go down so smooth.
Christmas and Easter simply wouldn't work if we focused on a 13-year-old slut giving birth next to some donkeys or some guy getting beat to shit, hung up like a scarecrow, tossed in a cave for three days and coming back to life. Bullshit stories are only cute when they are universally accepted as bullshit.
With that in mind, I offer some potential Halloween mascots. And if any of these contradict what I wrote earlier, remember these are jokes. I know every dick who sees a flashing line in an empty box feels it is their duty as an infallible authority on all subjects to weigh in on everything no matter how ironic or retarded it is. But it's not. Just call yourself a genius and move on. Oh internet - who else could've shown us our collective consciousness is worthless? Anyway, here's my gay list.
Hitler - Why bother conjuring up some holiday mascot when you've got a perfectly evil historical figure going to waste? He's already a mascot of sorts, but what are those six possum-fuckers from Alabama going to do about it if society co-opts him?
Evil Jesus - In essence, Halloween is just the counter-culture's response to decent holidays. So why not simply take their beloved cartoon character and turn it on its ear? Evil Jesus might be the perfect representation. Incidentally, Evil Jesus doesn't have a goatee.
Evel Knievel - "Evel" is right there in his fucking name - this can't miss! It's even spelled wrong, which is totally more evil than regular evil.
Josh Groban - To repeat an earlier point, Halloween is counter-culture. And what could be more counter-culture than making your mascot something so synonymous with lame that it alienates your cool cohorts? Sort of like your hipster friend liking Yanni. Or anyone liking Twilight.
Existing Corporate Mascot - Talk about a win-win for consumption. Santa's great for cashing in on our consumerism, but imagine how great it'd be for Mattel if he was their registered trademark. Or if Cupid's likeness belonged to Kay Jewelers? Halloween should cash-in where others failed to and make Willy Wonka their mascot. Or whatever character represents diabetes medication.
Religious Mascot Multi-Pack - The problem with holidays is they are exclusive by nature. "This holiday is for that religion, that holiday is for this country, my holiday doesn't allow monkey-rape, blah blah blah." So why not do with Halloween what we failed to do with other holidays?
Have a greedy, circumcised ghost for the Jews; a witch wearing a bomb-vest for Muslims; a mentally-challenged, boy-touching ghoul for Christians; and a condescending black cat for atheists. By being all-inclusive, Halloween can be far more profitable than competing holidays. Which is the point, right? Or are we still pretending love and faith exist? No one keeps me updated.
-ROBOJESUS
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