Mij Mils: Top Ten Lines/Moments

INTRO:

I wanted to do an interview of my best friend Jimmy Banda, aka Mij Mils, but the subject required more. With Omar 'jokeyjokemaker316' J, we did a Top Ten and a Mock Interview, and then he added is own spin to mock interview after talking to his publicist. So with Mij, we have to do the same...so here we are, enjoy...



THE TOP TEN GREATEST MOMENTS/LINES OF MIJ MILS!!!

1. "I am not an alcoholic, but i like a strong drink" - They say what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, but those people don't know us! We were in the hotel room warming up for the night, when we decided to booze it up. Omar was making some bitch ass Rum and Cokes, when Jimmy stepped in and showed him how, giving birth to this line!


2. The Flying Paycheck - nothing captures Jimmy like the time in HS, when his paycheck flew out of the window of his car. Yeah, this man left it on the dash, and drove windows down. When it flew out, Jimmy merely shrugged and kept driving. He rationlized, he could always get another printed, so why slow down. The rest of the American public is slamming on the brakes.


3. "WU-TANG MUTHAFUCKA!!!" - we play spades, a lot! I know my African-American people just asked 'What they know about spades?' Well when u want to catch a proper ass whupping come and find out. So we are at U of I, and have the Wu-Tang clan Cds on permanent repeat...at some point Jimmy is kicking ass and decides to punctuate every winning bid with 'WU-TANG MUTHAFUCKA!!!' escalating to its 'WU MUTHAFUCKA...yeah..WU-TANG MUTHAFUCKA....' 5'10 weighing in at 140lbs..shouting this out! Oh...he was in Competition Mode


4. COMPETITION MODE JIMMY - This is a repeated moment..a loop if u will. See Jimmy is really quiet. He is so quiet, my dad would always ask him "What do you want to be when you grow up, I mean I know it wont be a TV Commentator.." Little did we know that COMPETITION MODE JIMMY lived inside this quiet shell. A few of tingtongtiddliest drinks and out he comes. Challenging all comers in cards, board games, arm wrestling, fishing, whatever the hell we are playing or talked about playing. He might even wrestle you. He mos def will talk shit and be loud...starting counter points with "FUCK YOOUUUU!"


5. "Yeah, I'd like to see u disappear" - Bachelor Party Vegas again... We went to eat a fine steak at Camelot's in Excalabur, which I know for some of you hard core Vegas degenerates is not great, but we thought it was the shit. GREAT FOOD! Anyway, after a few bottles of Red Wine and a great meal, were very content when a waiter/court jester rolls up and asks if we want to see a magic trick...we shake our heads no. As he is walking away Jimmy says, loudly enough for him to hear "Yeah, I'd like to see you disappear!" You could hear his heart breaking as walked.
   
6. Changing Mr. Banda's Tire! - On his Bday we took Mij out to celebrate and after standing in a crowded room at Spoon, we decided to get nostalgic and go to Tequila Roadhouse. On the way, there I felt the car pulling right. So I pulled Mij's car over and discovered the tire was flat. Mij was too hammered (the change from sober to hammered ~30sec) to even tell us where his jack was. So after examining the manual and finding the jack and spare tire, we started to change the tire. There was 6 inches of snow on the ground and freezing. As we worked, Omar with no gloves and hands turning Purple, and me and Roly almost getting crushed by car, Jimmy furiously worked the phone trying to tell Schweezy where we were. He had no idea himself, so that made it funnier. After about 15 min, he finally was convinced to get the fuck out of the car, whose tire were changing, and goes, "oh do you need a flashlight?" YES WE NEEDED A FUCKING FLASHLIGHT!!! Then he looks at Omar who cant even feel his hands and is staving off frostbite.."hey, take my gloves, my hands are all sweaty!" Then he gets BACK INTO A CAR THAT IS JACKED UP as we are changing the tires. BACK IN...the CAR...and after we are done he declares..."i want to eat." "Well whatever u want your highness...we will just finish up this small tire matter!"
   
7. "The Sun Rises in the WEST!!!" - We were fishing at Woodhaven, the official camp site of the FW crew, and it was really late, like the sky was getting lighter late. So we starting discussing which way was north because we wanted to find the NorthStar, and the Big Dipper...yeah, we were fucking astronomers in a past life. So I was like, that way is East because the Sun rises in the East, and Jimmy (CMJ) goes, no..."The SUN rises in the WEST!" He even convinced Omar of this...we actually debated this for 15 min, when clearly he knew he was wrong. Why continue debating? HE was CM Jimmy, and Omar actually believe it rose in the west.
   
8. The Jimmy Dance - Again, this is a series of moments. Every time Mij dances...hilarious. The man has seen one too many Cure vids, and I am sure his New Order addiction doesnt help. Now don't get me wrong, he dances with gusto, but still, it is interesting to say the least. Now, if I am in a pit, this is the guy I want, because pound for pound he is the toughest kid in there, but no salsa for this man!
   
9. "Oh Yeah, u gonna box the one-eyed champ" - This line led to the moment also known as 'the day someone shut Omar the fuck up!' This actually happened after the now infamous Omar dance episode, and we were eating tacos at Atotonilco on 57th and Kedzie (for those of you who want to visit the place where Omar was quiet). Omar was slobberknockered, and in full Tommy machine gun mode. He was absolutely killing me, and still mimicking his dance. So he says, "I am just beating u up...i am working the body...the body" or something to that effect because i was on the ropes. I saw blurry images, and i am sure i heard my mom crying somewhere. Then he starts to rise and proclaims, I am using the washroom, when Jimmy breaks out..."Oh YEAH, you gonna box the one-eyed champ?" STUNNED SILENCE...Omar actually sits back down..i am sure his bladder was not happy. He had no comeback...no line...just sat there. Jimmy had this huge smile, and my trainer was glad someone stopped the fight!
   
10. Jimmy makes money! - So again, we go back to Vegas, or any place they allow u to gamble. Jimmy has his talent for making people around him money. U play black jack, and if ur sitting next to him...you make money. One time, there were three guys and they were just about done. Like, 'I sold my plane ticket home' done. Well we show up, and over the next 2 hours, everyone is winniing. I am passing out on my cards and we are winning. To sum it up, He was even telling a a guy how to play and he went from 8 down to 13oo up and he promised if Jimmy was ever in Chicago, he would take him out to eat. I mean he even gave him his number in Lincoln Park...the guy was so ecstatic. The kid has ice waters in his veins...i mean u have to if play blackjack, or watch ur paycheck fly out of ur car window without a care, or dance the way he does!

That about does it for me...but please add to this list. When you have known Jimmy, aka Mij Mils, aka Cricket, aka Fimmy for any amount of time, you will have stories. I will be interested to see what people add.

-iz3y!

Damnned if you do...

I'm not a fan of our 43rd president. Never have been. But there is a strange parallel between Bush and "The Dark Knight." Before you bash, hear me out.


I recently read an article that advocated for Bush's legacy to be that of torture--he authorized and turned a blind eye to the torture of "enemy combatants" back in 2003; arguably a "human rights violation" and could get him and members his administration indicted for war crimes.


BUT (and here's where the "Dark Knight" parallel comes in to play) what was he supposed to do? At the end of "The Dark Knight" we found out that Batman was the hero Gotham NEEDED. If he had to do dirt, he did it. If he had to go about it clean, he did that too. Either way, whatever Gotham needed him to be, right or wrong, he did it. Bush, despite all his failures and sometimes outright stupidity did what was necessary (with the exception of invading Iraq) to keep this country safe. If depriving prisoners of sleep and stringing them up naked made a difference in the security of this nation, then it needed to be done.


The conflicts in the world today are not unique; indeed wars over ideals have been fought for centuries. But the people in charge are terrible historians--there are only three wars that have ever been fought over ideals that have ever had a clear victor. The Revolutionary War, the Civil War and World War II. What America (and to some extent Israel) is fighting today is a MOVEMENT. How do you kill a movement? How can you stop something that is bigger than a person or organization? Will America be safe if we eliminate Al Queda? What about other extremest groups? Do people think they won't step up? And every time we invade a country (or condone Israel killing innocent people) the movement gets STRONGER. So what do you do? You do what is necessary. You take shit to the next level. You cannot win a war with a movement with rules of engagement; movements don't give a damn about rules. Movements demand an end result. That was the difference between Batman and The Joker; it wasn't until Batman was willing to fore go his rules that he was able to stop The Joker. Bush was willing to break the rules in order to keep America safe. And unless Obama is willing to do the same, the movement will never be stopped.


Granted sometimes the answer isn't more violence; in politics violence is often NOT the answer. And Obama doesn't seem to think violence is the answer. But someone somewhere is going to have to do something. Like, I don't know, take action opposite of what we've done thus hurting the propaganda machine of The Movement. It's a long shot but it just might work.


Side note: Israel's response to Hamas was a little extreme. Death squads or "Jason Bourne" would have been more appropriate; cutting down the orchard to kill a few bad apples is not the answer. You don't get rid of pests in your house by destroying the house, you exterminate. I understand the necessity of giving the ground troops a little breathing room--had the bombs not been dropped soldiers on the ground would have been killed by traps and snipers--but now there are almost 1,000 innocents dead and the region is now more against Israel (and the U.S. for letting it happen) than before. Not a good look and definitely not something Sho-Nuff can co-sign on.

- Sho-nuff

WANTED: Hilary Duff's Career destroyed

I am absolutely flabbergasted. I am beside myself with hate...raw ass hate. I am putting aside my dislike for Marky Mark Wahlberg's acting and focusing purely on the little bitch Hilary Duff's completely mindless voice career. This little Britney wannabe decides to sing...ok, i got no hate for that. Come out with ur mindless little love songs and what not, and i have no issues. None...
I am sure there are 12 year olds out there who i am sure think your lyrics speak to their pain, and ignite their soul. If that is what gets u the cheddar...I have no issues.

Now once you go and steal one of the GREATEST choruses from a legendary song, you have crossed the line you fucking bimbo.

INDICTMENT: Stealing the chorus from 'Personal Jesus' by Depeche Mode "Reach Out and Touch Faith!!!" This song has one of the coldest pouding bass lines. Fantastic Lyrics and when performed live, everyone throws their hands up as the bright lights flash and we "reach out to touch faith!" Magic people...magic!!!

EVIDENCE: Shitty overly electro-filtered song "Reach out" by Hilary 'my sister and i have no real talent' Duff
Chorus: 'Reach out and touch me"

Penalty: Your career fails miserably and we see ur ass on "Biggest Loser: Former Disney Kids! edition"

I am violently insulted by this utter lack of respect. So that is what we are doing? I now feel like my uncle when he heard that Diddy was trashing all those classic songs so that he could make a buck. Depeche Mode...please tell me u did not sign off on this and there is a lawsuit on the way. PLEASE!!! Oh duff, may that nose job u got fall apart.

May the fates exact their ruthless vengeance!

disgusted!
-iz3y!

Greatest Emcees

This started on Facebook when Kelley, a.k.a. Kells, a.k.a. The Pied Piper of Claims, a.k.a. One Letter Short of a porn star had the audacity and nerve to proclaim that Eminem is the greatest emcee of all time.  I will give Em his due--he's in the discussion for perhaps the top 30, but nowhere near the top 10.

First the rules: Emcee = an individual who can just pick up a microphone and start flowing, leaving you and your comrades in awe at their lyrical genius.  This means no matter the beat, the time of day or the location, this individual will "put it down."  They must be flexible, being able to conquer any beat while still maintain the ability to tell a story and not just rhyme.

For you "new school" cats, anyone with a name (or nick-name for that matter) ending in "eezy" doesn't even belong in the discussion.  The following people are the only people that should even be considered when discussing the greatest emcees of all time (in no particular order)

• Christopher Wallace
• Shawn Carter

These two gentlemen are/were more versatile on the M-I-C than your average.  Just listen to Life After Death and everything Jay has done since The Life and Times of Shawn Carter Vol. 3--these dudes change their style up with EACH SONG.

• Black Thought

Highly under rated, just like The Roots in general.

• Rakim

Took the use of similes and metaphors to a whole new level.  Period.

• Nasir

More of a poet than typical rhymer, but like the next two guys it's more about what he says.  Accomplishments include a song that tells a story--backwards and another in which he likens himself to a gun.

• Mos Def
• Talib Kweli

Real hip-hop heads know who these guys are and will hold them up against any other "artist."  Kweli in particular uses an excellent blend of metaphor, simile and vocabulary that is often imitated but never duplicated.  Mos is a great story teller.

• Certain members of the Wu, namely Ghostface, Gza, Golden Arms, and Raekwon
• KRS-One/BDP
• A Tribe Called Quest (particuarly Phife, the five foot assassin)

In case you didn't know, Phife is Kweli's dad.  Has to be.  They look alike and have the same presence on the mic.

• MC Lyte

The only female that belongs on this list.  Sorry Lauryn, Salt, Pepp, Queen Latifah, Moni (the one in the middle), Lil Kim, Foxxy Brown, Eve, et. al.  It's the Lyte and that's it.  In fact, I'd put $10 on Lyte in a battle with many of the men on this list and feel confident I'd win the bet.

• T.I.

I have to admit I was a hater at first, but as you continue to listen he's got skills.  Problem is he's becoming more commercial, which is what killed others NOT on this list.

• Lupe Fiasco

Hasn't been around that long you say.  He's too new you say.  He's not gangsta enough you say.  He's still probably one of the more lyrically gifted folks doin it right now.

• Common
• Eminem

Note that Tupac and most West coast and southern rappers are not included.  Could it be market bias?  Not at all.  There just aren't that many good lyricists coming out of Cali (maybe Karupt but I'm not sold on him being included on this list).  And you need an interpreter to understand most of them southern cats.  But why not 'Pac?  Well to put it simply, despite being wildly successful and a pretty good lyricist, he NEVER CHANGED HIS STYLE UP!  Do we know how Pac would attack an up tempo beat (like "Anything" on Jay-Z's Kingodom Come)?  Sure he could pick up his pace, but so can Calvin Brodus (notably missing from the list).  If this list were top Gangsta Rappers of all time, no one would even come close.  But Pac doesn't belong on this list.  Besides, the game has changed.  The point has become to make money and sell records (as noted in T.I.'s last installment) not wow us with skills (like Lupe continues to do number of units sold be damned).  THAT's why many of your south and west cats aren't on this list--they may have skills but don't care to show them.  They are more concerned about makin your ass shake.

Other notables that could be on this list but for some fatal flaws:

OutKast--Dre 3000 writes and pretty much fell off after ATLiens.  Southerplayalisticcadilacmusiq is and will forever be their greatest accomplishment.  Besides, they retired and started acting.

EPMD--Erick Sermon kills them otherwise they'd be on this list.

Redman--dude is literally nuts.

Eve--good, but not quite good enough.  But what can you expect from an ex-stripper?

Busta Rhymes--in a class of his own, just not this class.

Big Daddy Kane--another example of failure to change the style up.  He does get his credit though for fathering many other rappers who continue to bite his style to this day.

Dr. Dre and any other member of N.W.A.

And if their name wasn't mentioned, it wasn't worth it.

TV Shows u dont watch because u may not have the IQ

Ok, one thing I know is a TV. Why is that u say? Because I have been watching TV before my eyes were fully used to light as a baby. I have gone from Chaplin to Chapelle. Watching TV is my pipeline to information and entertainment. I spend hours...HOURS watching and soaking it in. As a kid rocking that smooth ass 13" Black and White, I would go to sleep to shows...didnt matter what, just that it was on. I first hooked up my Activision to that thing, and quickly found out I would rather watch the Shows! When I got home from school I would do my homework in record breaking time just so that I could watch my aftershool shows and cartoons. I mean, I am claiming here and now, that I got A's in class because I didnt want to lose TV privileges. That is insane...but that is my resume...

So here are some shows, most of you aren't watching because YOU ARE NOT TRYING. No offense to your civil liberty to make up your own mind, but honestly, I have determined, much like the evil computers in Terminator, 'I, Robot', and every other apocolyptic movie, you are not smart enough to make decisions on these things. So I am going to give myself Power of Attorney here and give you all a list of shows to watch...

Without further ado...

• Weeds (Showtime) - Show about a single mother trying to provide for her family and survive in this cruel world. What's the big deal? Well she sells weed and is played by the smoking hot Mary Louise Parker. The show also has some real high comedy and is not a real brain drainer. Just good laughs, sexy main character, and crazy ass weed stories.
• It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (F/X) - I am absolutely pissed at CBS/FOX/ABC right now. That swill they put out as comedy is just insulting. INSULTING!!! Once you watch this F/X classic, you will be hooked. Imagine Seinfeld, now only funny! This is about three guys who own a bar, and one of them has a sister who helps them. Ok, let me get u in the proper mindset here...what dumb shit would u do if you owned a bar and still had a college mindset....BOOM! Now you know what 'Sunny' is all about. From classic songs like 'Day Man', which was the answer to 'Night Man', to The Gang goes Jihad...this show does nothing but challenge the establishmenst definition of funny.
• The Wire (HBO, DVD Only since Show was cancelled) - Stringer Bell, Omar, Avon, Marlo, Bubbs, McNutty...the list of great characters goes on. If you have not seen this show, your life is a meaningless shell!
• Rescue ME (F/X) - the most real thing about FireFighters ever. Awesome characters and great stories. Soundtrack to this is hot, and the women on the show are great too!
• Dexter (Showtime) - Serial killer with a heart of gold. If that doesn't hook u, move on..ur not ready!
• Burn Notice (USA) - The new McGuyver...serious...if u were down with McGuyver you will love this. If you don't know who McGuyver is..wow...just watch the damn show.
• Monk/Psych (USA) - quirky detectives who solve crimes in quirky ways.
• The Shield (F/X - DVD only) Corrupt cops doing dirt...if ur from Chicago, u kinda laugh at this. A fantastic show with great characters...almost as good as the Wire.
• The Office - (NBC) the only reason i forgive this network. I understand many of you already know about this show, but I put it on this list because genius is genius.

I know there are like a few shows I left off (Damages, TheCloser, Flava of Love) but that is for you to contribute. I just started you on the path to a better life...

-iz3y!

2008, what happened?

Did 2008 seem like a blur to you?

I like to take a look back at the end of the year, to take note of accomplishes, impediments, misdemeanors, etc. and I found it very difficult this time. It seemed much like a Benny Hill chase scene, without the English girls who can’t manage to keep their clothes on. Anyhoo, I hope this inspires you to take a look back at your year.

This year has certainly been a turbulent one for me. It was speckled with some heartache and some lowlights, but I am glad to say, I survived and got some insight into life and a glimpse as to my own strength.
In the spirit of staying positive, following are some highlights.

Music
- Animal Collective and Wu Tang (members) at Pitchfork
- Singing California Love karaoke style in Barcelona
- Joanna Newsome performing with the Chicago Symphony Orchestra

Travel (international)
10 days in Spain and Italy

• Crypto di Cappuccino, a church decorated with monks’ bones… intensely creepy and equally awesome
• Swimming in the Mediterranean Sea
• Discovering the architect Gaud

11 days in Costa Rica

• Feeding monkeys while kayaking in a mangrove
• Swimming in the Pacific Ocean
• Listening to and watching lava rocks come out of the volcano Arenal

I did not go out very much this year since splitting most of my time between Chicago and Bloomington (also referred to, by me, as the depths of hell). In the midst of that, however, I did manage to meet some interesting people:

Table: Costarricense martial arts playboy who loves salsa and hangs out on the beach all day

Fran: Basque guide in Europe who knows the history of everything and walks in front of cars

Peruvian Terrorist: Serious looking man among a group of charming people at a poetry reading and after-party. Did I mention I am the muse to some of the poems read? I am.

L.H.: A strange and lovely woman I met at a wedding in Indiana, who I must have known in a past life because I told her about this weird whale fascination that I had never told anyone before.

Another very interesting person turned out to be my new BFF, Oren. He, unfortunately, lives in Indiana but was integral in making this year a good year for me. Not only did I call his references and run a background check to gauge his potential, but he proved worthy of his position when he came up to be with me during a very trying time in the hospital. We have had lots of fun together and it is rare to feel that someone can appreciate my humor, ideas, and sensibilities as well as he does…I am forever in debt to his generosity.

Also, I am ecstatic to say I have met with my Book Club and they are an amazing group of attractive, successful, and intelligent Latinas who are full of good vibes. I have read 14 books this year, which is no easy feat since I also watched over 75 movies.

I did not get a raise this year, other than the standard State job raise of 3%, and will hit the 2 year mark as Program Coordinator in April.

I realize this recap is somewhat scattered…a true reflection of my rollercoaster year. To let you in on some of the details I’m sure you’re dying to know, here’s a brief Best Of section.

Best Find
Trader Joe’s wine section

Best Compliment
“You’re too nice to be the first born.”

Best New Drug
I don’t know what you’re talking about. (read: shrooms)

Best New Record
A signed copy of Manu Chao’s Radiolina double album on vinyl

Best New Museum Visited
The IMA in Indianapolis

Best New Past-time
Shooting at a gun range



Best Coitally Interesting Location
Suspension bridge in Pontiac, Il

Best Improvement Since 2007
Only 3 bridges burnt (previously, 8)

State of the UNION: Long Layoff

Been a while i know but what can I say, even my brain needs a vacation.
This year, otherwise known as 2009 I envision more.

MORE MORE MORE.

We will be bringing u more posts from myself and Jokey, but i also expect stuff from Kells the Pied Piper of Claims. I forsee Princess Di finally gracing our digital paper with some words and maybe Cara can be persuaded to hit us with more questions for men.

The layoff was good though, gave me a chance to reflect, re-energize and eat more tamales than a man should ever eat.

I also, have a blast from the past on tap to grace us with his views from the North, but i dont want to give away too much right now.

Be on the lookout tomorrow, when I will begin my new schedule of posting on Fridays and Wednesdays...i have no idea what i will write, but I promise to waste ur time in a semi-entertaining way.

for now, enjoy: Ministry of Sound Annual 2009 Cd1 and 2...scoop that by any means possible!

31...1 more notch on my life's bed post

the last 30 have meant a lot
the ups and downs...the ins and outs...
the grind even! but enough about sex
it takes millions of years to make a diamond, but only 31 for me to reach my zenith...and now armed with experience i know enough to know i dont know enough
i look forward to the rest of my journey
to adding wrinkles to my face that will each tell their own unique story
to adding scars to my body that teach me a different lesson
i look forward to enjoying the people i know
and meeting those i have not had the honor of bonding with and selling them on the idea that we are all love
i look forward to teaching my son the same lesson i was taught by my dad:
'it is not the how old u are, but how old u feel u r in ur heart'
lastly, i look forward to being whole...to uniting all the aspects of my life and finally having them band together...to be being me
so thank you...PEACE LOVE AND SOUL!!

ismael J

Interview: I got two words for that...OM-AR!

Conducted over Several Days December 2008

There are some assignments that when you get them, you head straight to a bar and grab the ting tong tiddliest drink they have. This is one of those moments where moments pass slowly, and the ticks on the clock seem to take longer than normal. Still, I have a duty to my fellow man, and that is to get the tough interviews. My job is to go where no man dare go, and give u a glimpse inside the minds of the special. We have had the Air Marshall who didn’t like to fly. I have given u insight into a truly unique personality from Colombia. You were with me when I walked into the den of iniquity known as the Casa de Schweez. Today though I go further down the rabbit hole to interview a man who represents the essence of enigma. A human being who stretches the mere definition of that word.

Today ladies and Gentleman, I give you Omar Juarez, philanthropist, dictator of his realm, and humanitarian.

NAME: Omar Juarez
Nicknames: O, JokeyJokeMaker, Rafael De La Ghetto, the Handsome RightHander, FOmar
Born: February 21, 1977, Planet unknown
HomeTown: JOKEY WORLD (physically: Chicago)
Occupation: Unknown…

INTRO:
Me: So, I see you have a throne…
O: FUCK U…u hear me…FUCK U!
ME: I didn’t even get my question out.
O: Oh…something about my throne…ask me about my Shoes.
ME: Why would I ask u about ur shoes?
O: So my throne was hand made by the elves of the enchanted Forrest.
ME: Fuck are you talking about. Your throne looks like u slapped it together with three nails and a hammer
O: Between us, 4 nails and a pair of pliers!
ME: What the hell is wrong with you?
O: [Begins Barking!]
ME: Dear God…this is going to be special!
O: I got two words for that…NI-CE!

The PERSONA
Me: You always like this? I mean since I have been here you have called me 30 different slurs for homosexuals and at least 10 that derogatory to lab monkeys.
O: Ok…for real…no. Honestly, my soul dies each time I insult a mindless butt pirate lab monkey like u!
ME: Damn!
O: Yeah…it is like breathing for me. I once sneezed and crushed this Girl’s hopes and dreams.
ME: By sneezing?
O: Yeah…and I called her a mindless whore who sucks cock to fill the gaping hole her step dad left in her soul and ass.
ME: HAHAHAHA…sorry..that was legitimately funny.
O: I know…but u know what…it is all about the work I put into this. I research. I even got a Master’s degree on accident from all the books I read learning new ways to insult people and make them laugh and then insult them again.
ME: That is commendable. Your kinda like a modern day George Carlin, without the pony tail….wait…are you growing one?
O: Uhhh…no…not at all. [fumbles around looking for clippers] As I was saying…when I am on the streets, where I grew up, I am on. FULLY SWITCHED ON BABY!. BOW DOWN BEFORE YOUR MASTER….
ME: Do you literally have to stand on the table for that?
O: SILENCE YOU FILTHY TROGLODYTE!

Life:
ME: So give me ur views on life?
O: JUST RACK BABY…BANG THE BOX…WORK THE MIDDLE…
ME: So ur motto also doubles for sexual innuendo
O: WORK THE HOLE…
ME: You’re not even trying anymore…hey ur daughter just walked.
O: [in an epic Jekyll-Hydean transformation]…and furthermore, if I could better my fellow man that would be great.
ME: Fuck was that? Ur Girl walked in and u sounded like u actually went to school.
O: Huh? What…I blacked out…I think she neutralizes my power.
ME: You’re a punk ass bitch!
O: Owww…no need to say that…that was mean and inconsiderate….furthermore…
ME:…Holy shit she does. Ur normal now…Bells makes u normal.. “DICK!…your mother!… ur an ugly man!”
O: [breaking into tears] Please…my soul…stop [then horror strikes…Bells leaves the room..she was wearing headphones so no permanent damage] Bitch huh…in front of Bells…Well..is it my fault ur dick finds it way into….
ME: WHOA…I think she is coming back!
O: As I was saying earlier…Life is about racking, working, and banging the box. Write that down.

Politics:
ME: So you’re a REPUBLICAN
O: YES…NO..I am in Independent now. IF I am going to make my money I don’t want the Government in my business! STAY OUT OF MY LIFE UNCLE SAM!!!
ME: Didn’t u apply for all kinds of Fed Aid
O: Yeah, but see that is my tax dollars at work! I Am not mooching off welfare or draining our economy like those immigrants who illegally cross the Border…REPUBLICAN BABY!
Me: dude…your fam came over illegally.
O: Fuck them too…should be deported…calling INS now…Fucking drain on our economy!
ME: Didn’t we have a surplus under Clinton…
O: Oh there u go again, you bleeding heart liberal. Spouting off facts and messages of hope…great!
ME: Why do you have government cheese in ur fridge?
O: NEXT TOPIC! FUCK YOU…FUCK YOU! [Barking commences again]

BLOG IT OUT
ME: You started a Blog with your friends…
O: NO..I AM THE STAR…THE ALPHA…THE SUPREME COMMANDER…
ME: Fuck does that have to do with your blog? I was going to say, you are quite entertaining…where do the topics come from?
O: OVERLOAD OMEGA OF THE MANCOW QUADRANT! Nothing I see is not mine..
ME: Why in Lord’s name are you shouting…
O: Huh? What…who…Damn…I get my topics from the old GRAPE…the MELON!!! They kinda just come out. Again, I do so much research so that I can make fun of people I just pick things up.
ME: Ahhh..so it is just a by product…
O: U need a fucking diagram…yeah…Like when I read something like our Governor getting arrested or the Knicks Losing, first thing, I am going to make fun of Liberal Democrats for being anal whores bent on destroying my way of life. Then I am going to make fun of Johnner for sucking like the Knicks. Somewhere in the middle I am going to remember something I read in class one day, and just blog it out!
ME: Amazing!
O: What, my thought process?
ME: NO, the fact you have 200 Ninja Swords. What are your preparing for?
O: That is how I open my cans of soup. That one there is what I use to change the channel on my TV!

PART TWO OF THE INTERVIEW COMING SOON!

Glen Davis lives up to nickname...

Okay, so I've been watching lots of basketball and enjoying most of it. I absolutely love watching the Celtics play. However, I haven't been a fan of the sport long enough to know whether it because they actually play like a team or if they're just better than almost everyone else. In any case, I was watching the lopsided win against Portland on friday when they showed Glen "Big Baby" Davis in a full blown tantrum that my 3 year old would be impressed with which can be seen here ---> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=byfIiGFiBdQ&eurl=http://brokencontrollers.com/forums/glen-big-baby-davis-crying-after-kevin-garnett-s-lashing-t564288.php&feature=player_embedded

Now, let's pause the story there and ask ourselves some questions. What could make a man that size cry like a *****? Did the Celtics lose? Hmm...nooo. They're up by 20. Was he given an unfair technical foul and ejected from the game? Nope. He's not even in the game and he's still on the bench. Not that I think any of these are valid reasons for a good cry, but man crying under these circumstances would not warrant further scrutiny.

Back to the story. My friends....Glen Davis was crying and cussing because KG "yelled" at him. Are you ****ing kidding me?!?! Really??? Apparently KG called an impromptu team meeting for the bench players because they pissed away a 20 point lead and Portland was only down by 8 at the time. KG reached out and grabbed Big Baby's arm due to the fact that he was standing 2 feet away looking uninterested. I could make the obvious comparisons but it would be a waste of my time and yours because its obvious. What I will say, however, is that I admire KG the more I see of him. Sure, he could have called Big Baby the beeyah he is, but he didn't. What KG did was to acknowledge Big Baby's frustration with his role and that he would sit down and talk to him. You GOTTA love that! I don't know if I would have had that kinda restraint! What the hell can Glen say to that? He acts an ass and KG keeps it movin and passes on the opportunity to call him on his foolishness. Coaches of young players in any sport should not only show film of their opponents but of KG on and off the court. They should study that cat and learn.

Songs of Songs Sake!

These are the songs that I am feeling today. I wanted to highlight them because in this era of top 40s, and DJ spins, we sometimes forget the gold of years past. Small list, and I invite u to add to it.

Stripped by Depeche Mode
Fantastic song, with some pretty deep lyrics. The idea of being ‘naked’ and having to be just u, and think and act on your own is pretty daunting. We all rely on people, but to have to step out and just be u and carry that weight can crush a person or forge them into something bigger…greater.

Let me see u stripped down the bone

Let me hear you
Make decisions
Without your television
Let me hear you speaking
Just for me

Let me see you
Stripped down to the bone
Let me hear you speaking
Just for me

Let me hear u crying just for me


Karma Police by Radiohead
Radiohead was kool when ColdPlay was still trying to figure out what cause to fight against. I am a Coldplay fan, but lets not forget who got us to think first. Songs like Fake Plastic Trees and Creep are just genius, but this one is like an anthem to those of us who want to quietly say, FUCK YOU! And have a nice day. Just quiet rage.

Karma police, I’ve given all I can, its not enough
I’ve given all I can, but were still on the payroll
This is what you get, this is what you get
This is what you get, when you mess with us
And for a minute there, I lost myself, I lost myself
And for a minute there, I lost myself, I lost myself

Bullet the Blue Sky by U2
This part of the song is just cold blooded. The music mellows, and Bono comes at u raw… ONE HUNDRED…TWO HUNDRED! …AND OUTSIDE IS AMERICA…AND OUTSIDE IS AMERICA!!! I am not smart enough to know what the hell he is talking about, but I am in. Chips are pushed into the middle of the table, because I am in!

This guy comes up to me
His face red like a rose on a thorn bush
Like all the colors of a royal flush
And hes peeling off those dollar bills
Slapping them down
One hundred, two hundred
And I can see those fighter planes
And I can see those fighter planes
Across the mud huts where the children sleep
Through the alleys of a quiet city street
Take the staircase to the first floor
Turn the key and slowly unlock the door
As a man breathes into a saxophone
Through the walls we hear the city groan
Outside its america
Outside its america

Everyday is Exactly the Same by NIN
Being stuck in routine is what we fear. The song encompasses today, when that snow bites our skin and we can see our breaths fill the air and wonder why the fuck we are enduring this. The mundane task at work, the crazy person waiting for us at home. Hell, for Cubs fans the failure of 100 years. When u hear it, snap out of it and thank Trent for pointing out this ain’t no way to go out.

I believe I can see the future
Cause I repeat the same routine
I think I used to have a purpose
But then again
That might have been a dream
I think I used to have a voice
Now I never make a sound
I just do what I've been told
I really don't want them to come around

Temptation by New Order
Quite simply the best part of this song is the following lyrics. The thought that what u do and say and think could impact others. This is especially important for me, since I have lil C looking up to me. What is funny is that we forget that others thoughts impact us from above. Some joker fucks up and we all suffer.

Thoughts from above hit the people down below
People in this world we have no place to go
Oh, I've never met anyone quite like you before

Shoplifters of the World by The Smiths
Song reminds me of the FourWinds crew…we were a bit of a thieving bunch back in the day. Nothing crazy, but the song always reminds me of us. The thought of us scrubs uniting and taking over is AWESOME.

Shoplifters of the world,
Unite and take over
Shoplifters of the world Hand it over
A heartless hand on my shoulder A push - and it's over Alabaster crashes down (Six months is a long time) Tried living in the real world Instead of a shell But before I began ... I was bored before I even began

-iz3y!

Interview: Flying with DJ Yayo

Conducted September 2006
I wrote this after I found out my good friend Yayo was becoming an Air Marshall. Why is this a shocker? Well at the time, he was deathly afraid of flying, and was applying to a job that required constant air time. So read on..and enjoy.


Interview commence.
Raise your hand if you believe Yayo is leaving? Go ahead…raise them high…higher…cause right now…I got nothing.

Fuck it…raise your hand if you know who Yayo is…with the turnover of this team, I am not sure you guys even know who the real Yayo is…so in honor…and this truly is…I will lay it out for you.

“iz3y’s view of yayo!”

Who is Yayo you ask? Yayo is the entrepreneur without the cash or business plan. Yayo is the athlete without the athleticism. Yayo is the metrosexual without the sexual.
Does it surprise me that Yayo wants to be an Air Marshall when he hates to fly…HELL NO…that is Yayo. That is very essence of Yayo. When Steve “2Tights” Martinez says he wants to be an IRS agent and give up about 250K from his currently bloated salary, I say…that fucking guy is crazy. When Yayo says, “I want to be an Air Marshall…I mean they don’t always fly do they?” I say…YES…that is Yayo.
Pure and simple and to the point Yayo.

So a few questions I have for Yayo and I was lucky enough to get an exclusive interview.

On Fear of Flying
Me: “ You don’t like to fly…how will you cope?”
Yayo: “As long as I can drink, I will be. A OK!
ME: “you can’t drink on a flight when you are a Marshall”
Yayo: “oh right [he begins winking at me] I will be drinking Ginger Ale [the winking continues and I am getting uncomfortable]

On Softball
ME:”what about the team? How is that going to be leaving?”
Yayo: “Fuck the team. I have carried the team for so long that I have arthritis in my knees. Who do you think told Steve to wear the tightest pants he could find..ME! that’s who!
You think that was coffee I was drinking…nope..that was a steaming cup of WHOOP ASS I WAS DOWNING. I am tired of carrying you sad sacks of garbage. I want to do something easier like harass people for looking Middle Eastern.
Me: “But your numbers sucked and I regularly outplayed you!”
Yayo:”Please…you think it was easy making you assholes look good. IT wasn’t. I am the greatest of all TIME!!! BTw…remember 3rd base in the playoffs in spring…”
ME: “ Touche….Touche!”

On being a Bartender
ME: “What about your dream of making ‘cocktail’ a reality?”
Yayo: “it pains me…I had that goal…it was a dream, but who says I still won’t be slinging drinks in the air. You think they can handle the YAYO?
Me: “Stop trying to tear your shirt off. Remember you can’t drink in the air…”
Yayo: “Dude…you don’t know. I can do whatever I want…AIR MARSHALL, BITCH!!! As a matter of fact you are looking real suspicious right now…let me get my latex glove”
ME:”Seriously…put down the KY jelly, cause this ain’t happening. Are you gonna miss the late nights and starbucks at 3pm?
Yayo: “No I figure the miscellaneous stewardess ass I will be staring at and hitting in the bathrooms will make up for it!”
Me: “That’s your plan?”
Yayo: “OH YEAH!!!!...I am a FUCKING AIR MARSHALL!”

On leaving Chicago
ME: “What about leaving Chicago, the windy City?”
Yayo: “I will fly over and shed a tear on my way to Idaho or whatever. But I have already made arrangements for my Hairdresser to move to DC with me so no big deal. Nothing else here really matters.”
ME:”What about your condos? Family? The White Sox?
Yayo: “Condos…let them bitches burn for all I care. As for my family…hey they have my number. I know where they live. The White Sox are a whole different matter. That hurts. I signed up for MLB live and hope to follow them on my computer while I fly.
ME: “But you can’t use a computer while you fly”
Yayo: [stunned and in disbelief..anger approaching a boiling poing] “I AM A FUCKING…
ME:” AIR MARSHALL…yeah I got it!

On life
Me: “So what is your philosophy on life…on this whole thing we call LIFE!”
Yayo: “Fuck it…Carpe Diem bitches. You have to live your life to the fullest, one cup of coffee at a time. Yeah you could wait for life to knock on your door and give you a giant cardboard check, but not me.
I go to life’s house pick her up and take her like an Asian Whore working the USO circuit. That is the way I live…so I may be afraid to fly, but I ain’t afraid of staring at some stewardess ass all DAY! Coach …er….Air Marshall out…BITCHES!!!!


And that wraps up our exclusive interview with Yayo…more to come at his going away hangover!!!

Interview: Here's Johnny!

Conducted March 2007
This was the first in a series of one, of fake interviews I conducted here at work. I have done other interviews but never at work. Johnny had just left SUA to go Florida and quickly came back when he realized how much that decision sucked. So, we treated him like a new employee and well...just read it!

INTERVIEW!
People ask me..."iz3y, why are you so mean to the new employees at SUA?"

My usual reply is "because i can be!" I mean who are these people that i have to be nice to them? What have they done for me lately? We buy them lunch, we give them cubes stocked with supplies and they want me to be nice. Yeah, i can see why they need my hello...my prompt service. Those poor babies have suffered enough.

Ultimately, though, my responsibility is to the FAM, and if the FAM wants me to be nicer, then fine, I will respect that.

LADIES AND GENTLEMAN, let us extend a warm SUA welcome to our new employee. In the utmost respect for this person, I sat down and interviewed him and even included a few pics so that when you see him in the hallway, you will recognize him and offer a consoling and friendly hello. Let me preface this interview by saying, this man is a true character, and please brace yourselves for this truly unique experience.


SUA NEWEST EMPLOYEE:

Name: Johnner Guadalupe Londono
Dept: IT (QA)
Title: UAT ANALYST / Talent Evaluator / Coffee Boy
Hobbies: Basketball/Soccer/knitting/manicures
Age: 27 (34 actual age)
Height: 5'8" 1/2
Weight: ???
Shoe Size: 14 (11 without extended toe box)


Where are you from?
JGL: "I am from Plano, Texas, but part of my schtick with woman is I tell them I am from Cali, Columbia...I even have the accent to verify this line. Watch....Heeey ladies...jouw want to go dancing or sonthing? It is great...works like a charm!"
me: "Very disturbing...owwww....damn man, I am sure you just kicked me...and you are a good 10 feet awat!"
JGL: "Sorry...point shoes are a hazard that I have had to deal with in order to keep up this facade of a latin player. Wait..is this interview going public...I better use my accent...just in case the ladies are reading!"
me: "why are you fixing your eyebrows and mustache like the guy from Coming to America...no one can see you."

What brings you to SUA?
JGL: " I love IAN...i am enamored with .... I mean.... (JGL slips into his phoney accent) "I feeeel, that i could make all the deeeeference and take theees company to the freeeeaking TOP!"
me: "top of what, and why are still kicking me!"
JGL: "TO THE TOP...This company could have all kinds of freaking HAND!"
me: "what the hell are you talking about? oh...you watch Seindfeld...i get it now. Not very "latin Playerish" now is that. I mean, shouldn't you be quoting telenovelas or making up slang terms like our resident Peruvian Prince?"
JGL: "It's Seinfeld...he is universal....wait...PERUVIAN...oh as long as he isn't a freaking Argentianian...I can STAND freaking Argentinians due to my Columbian roots!"
me: "aren't you from Texas?"
JGL: "yes, but remember the back story is that I am from Cali, Columbia...for the ladies edification"

What is it that you will bring to the Company?
JGL: "Style, latin flavor mostly..."
me: "you realize you're in a IT role right...and why are you dancing?"
JGL: "that's me baby...that is how i freaking do!"
me: "seriously, ur stepping on my toes with those things...also, i think your scorpion chain just hit me in the head.
JGL: "can you feel the music...the congas, the trumpets, the drums...."
me: "what music u psychotic...."
JGL: "YEAH....LIVIN' THE VIDA LOCA!!!! you say something...i wass grooving to my main mang RICKY MARTIN!"
me: "naw...i am good!"

What goals have you set up for yourself? What r u trying to achieve?
JGL: "look...i don't know about all these questions? I am just living in the freaking moment. What happens happens...you hear me ladies!?!?!"
me: "what ladies man...there is no one else around...and damn...is that your cologne?"
JGL: "You like it huh...my own blend of Michael Jordan and Derek Jeters colognes. together they are freaking ridiculous!"
me: "I am sure i am permantly scarred. What is that in your hand?"
JGL: "a couple pictures for the ladies. I need you to post them in this interview...for the ladies!"
me: "u sure?"
JGL: "OF COURSE I AM FREAKING SURE...THIS IS GOLD...THIS IS FREAKING GOLD!!!!"




















me: "wow..."
JGL: "i know right...it is too much. Can you handle the rush of woman that is about to come?"
me: "i think i'm good. Wait..what is that rusted out shitbox behind you?"
JGL: "That is the RIDE! Tinted Windows, four doors....wheels. FREAKING GREAT!
me: "wait you have more pics?"
JGL: "of course...hey can you blow these up to poster size? Or would that cause a stampede?"




JGL: "I mean look at me here...this is crazy! I think i should charge you posting these!"
me: "naw dude...i think we're good!"
JGL: "where is my other one? The one with my crew!"
me:" sorry...here we go"

me: "why is that one guy all alone over there?"
JGL: "what guy...I only see the star in the Center. There is only ONE GUY you should be focusing on. Not my damn body double!"

JGL: "Let me ask you something. Are there gonna be any Italians working there. I hate them more than freaking Argentinians. Skinless Alligators!"
me: "what the hell does that mean?"
JGL: [dropping the accent] I am not really sure. I heard it used one day and i thought it was a fabulous line. ohhh...slipped up didn't I? [returning to accent] "Freaking scumbags!"
me: "well i hope you enjoy ur stay here. You will find we are all pretty cool and helpful if you need anything...'
JGL: "lunch!"
me: "what..what you mean?"
JGL:"I need freaking lunch. where can i get chilli, a hamburger, fries, Extra Large Coke, and another hamburger? I have to eat light...watching my figure. I am a freaking atlete!"
me: "WOW!"
JGL: "I know...ever see an indoor rainbow?"
me: "i meant wow...how are u still alive after eating all that? and an indoor rainbow...isn't a rainbow the universal sign for....uh forget it!"

JGL: "YEAH...a rainbow...i am a freaking RAINBOW...and indoor RAINBOW!!!!"

And there you have it...our first welcome to SUA interview. I hope you all enjoyed it, and see that I have made the effort to welcome a new employee to the fold, and to the family.
this is iz3y saying..

JGL: "don't you think i should do the freaking exit...I mean i am the RAINBOW!!!"