Interview: I got two words for that...OM-AR!

Conducted over Several Days December 2008

There are some assignments that when you get them, you head straight to a bar and grab the ting tong tiddliest drink they have. This is one of those moments where moments pass slowly, and the ticks on the clock seem to take longer than normal. Still, I have a duty to my fellow man, and that is to get the tough interviews. My job is to go where no man dare go, and give u a glimpse inside the minds of the special. We have had the Air Marshall who didn’t like to fly. I have given u insight into a truly unique personality from Colombia. You were with me when I walked into the den of iniquity known as the Casa de Schweez. Today though I go further down the rabbit hole to interview a man who represents the essence of enigma. A human being who stretches the mere definition of that word.

Today ladies and Gentleman, I give you Omar Juarez, philanthropist, dictator of his realm, and humanitarian.

NAME: Omar Juarez
Nicknames: O, JokeyJokeMaker, Rafael De La Ghetto, the Handsome RightHander, FOmar
Born: February 21, 1977, Planet unknown
HomeTown: JOKEY WORLD (physically: Chicago)
Occupation: Unknown…

INTRO:
Me: So, I see you have a throne…
O: FUCK U…u hear me…FUCK U!
ME: I didn’t even get my question out.
O: Oh…something about my throne…ask me about my Shoes.
ME: Why would I ask u about ur shoes?
O: So my throne was hand made by the elves of the enchanted Forrest.
ME: Fuck are you talking about. Your throne looks like u slapped it together with three nails and a hammer
O: Between us, 4 nails and a pair of pliers!
ME: What the hell is wrong with you?
O: [Begins Barking!]
ME: Dear God…this is going to be special!
O: I got two words for that…NI-CE!

The PERSONA
Me: You always like this? I mean since I have been here you have called me 30 different slurs for homosexuals and at least 10 that derogatory to lab monkeys.
O: Ok…for real…no. Honestly, my soul dies each time I insult a mindless butt pirate lab monkey like u!
ME: Damn!
O: Yeah…it is like breathing for me. I once sneezed and crushed this Girl’s hopes and dreams.
ME: By sneezing?
O: Yeah…and I called her a mindless whore who sucks cock to fill the gaping hole her step dad left in her soul and ass.
ME: HAHAHAHA…sorry..that was legitimately funny.
O: I know…but u know what…it is all about the work I put into this. I research. I even got a Master’s degree on accident from all the books I read learning new ways to insult people and make them laugh and then insult them again.
ME: That is commendable. Your kinda like a modern day George Carlin, without the pony tail….wait…are you growing one?
O: Uhhh…no…not at all. [fumbles around looking for clippers] As I was saying…when I am on the streets, where I grew up, I am on. FULLY SWITCHED ON BABY!. BOW DOWN BEFORE YOUR MASTER….
ME: Do you literally have to stand on the table for that?
O: SILENCE YOU FILTHY TROGLODYTE!

Life:
ME: So give me ur views on life?
O: JUST RACK BABY…BANG THE BOX…WORK THE MIDDLE…
ME: So ur motto also doubles for sexual innuendo
O: WORK THE HOLE…
ME: You’re not even trying anymore…hey ur daughter just walked.
O: [in an epic Jekyll-Hydean transformation]…and furthermore, if I could better my fellow man that would be great.
ME: Fuck was that? Ur Girl walked in and u sounded like u actually went to school.
O: Huh? What…I blacked out…I think she neutralizes my power.
ME: You’re a punk ass bitch!
O: Owww…no need to say that…that was mean and inconsiderate….furthermore…
ME:…Holy shit she does. Ur normal now…Bells makes u normal.. “DICK!…your mother!… ur an ugly man!”
O: [breaking into tears] Please…my soul…stop [then horror strikes…Bells leaves the room..she was wearing headphones so no permanent damage] Bitch huh…in front of Bells…Well..is it my fault ur dick finds it way into….
ME: WHOA…I think she is coming back!
O: As I was saying earlier…Life is about racking, working, and banging the box. Write that down.

Politics:
ME: So you’re a REPUBLICAN
O: YES…NO..I am in Independent now. IF I am going to make my money I don’t want the Government in my business! STAY OUT OF MY LIFE UNCLE SAM!!!
ME: Didn’t u apply for all kinds of Fed Aid
O: Yeah, but see that is my tax dollars at work! I Am not mooching off welfare or draining our economy like those immigrants who illegally cross the Border…REPUBLICAN BABY!
Me: dude…your fam came over illegally.
O: Fuck them too…should be deported…calling INS now…Fucking drain on our economy!
ME: Didn’t we have a surplus under Clinton…
O: Oh there u go again, you bleeding heart liberal. Spouting off facts and messages of hope…great!
ME: Why do you have government cheese in ur fridge?
O: NEXT TOPIC! FUCK YOU…FUCK YOU! [Barking commences again]

BLOG IT OUT
ME: You started a Blog with your friends…
O: NO..I AM THE STAR…THE ALPHA…THE SUPREME COMMANDER…
ME: Fuck does that have to do with your blog? I was going to say, you are quite entertaining…where do the topics come from?
O: OVERLOAD OMEGA OF THE MANCOW QUADRANT! Nothing I see is not mine..
ME: Why in Lord’s name are you shouting…
O: Huh? What…who…Damn…I get my topics from the old GRAPE…the MELON!!! They kinda just come out. Again, I do so much research so that I can make fun of people I just pick things up.
ME: Ahhh..so it is just a by product…
O: U need a fucking diagram…yeah…Like when I read something like our Governor getting arrested or the Knicks Losing, first thing, I am going to make fun of Liberal Democrats for being anal whores bent on destroying my way of life. Then I am going to make fun of Johnner for sucking like the Knicks. Somewhere in the middle I am going to remember something I read in class one day, and just blog it out!
ME: Amazing!
O: What, my thought process?
ME: NO, the fact you have 200 Ninja Swords. What are your preparing for?
O: That is how I open my cans of soup. That one there is what I use to change the channel on my TV!

PART TWO OF THE INTERVIEW COMING SOON!