The Hierarchy of Hoes

For many years now people have mis-used the term "ho." Often used to refer to someone who is perceived to be a promiscuous woman, mere promiscuity is not the trait of a ho. (That'd be a slut). No a real ho trades sex or the idea of sex for financial gain ("ho" being slang for the word "whore", which is a derogatory term for "prostitute"). With that in mind I give you the Hierarchy of Hoes--a tiered model of whoredom which explains where various women may fall. Please use this as a guide before calling someone or referring to them as a "ho."

Tier 1: Porn stars
The creme-de-la-creme of hoes, porn stars make the most money and sell the most sex. Having sex on camera is what makes erotic entertainment legal (and not prostitution) so says the Supreme Court but I say, if you're fuckin in exchange for money, yous a ho. Additionally, porn stars don't even limit themselves to the opposite sex. Some male heterosexual "actors" will even do gay porn because of the increased financial gain. Ladies and gentleman the kings and queens of whoredom--porn stars!

Tier 2: Escorts
Contrast to mere prostitutes, you have to pay an escort for their time in hopes you might get some ass. And that's really what separates many of those who belong in each of these tiers: they may not actually give it up, but they sell the idea that they will. It's still selling sex for the purpose of financial gain so they qualify.

Escorts make less than porn stars, and may also have less sex but wield similar power. For example, porn stars have the ability to chose the kind of scenes they do and to some degree who they will fuck. Escorts do as well and the mere expense of hiring either a porn star or an escort limits the clientele, thus making the idea of having sex with either more exclusive. Therefore, escorts trump the next tier.

Tier 3: Prostitutes
The whole idea with these hoes is to have sex, so they automatically qualify. For the price of the next tier (in some cases) you actually get to bust a nut rather than go home and imagine what it would have been like.

Tier 4: Strippers
Entering the Tiers of Tease, strippers sell you a fantasy. Women dance for you as they slowly remove their clothes and right before its about to go down--the music stops. And she's gone. On to the next one. Which for all these hoes in the Hierarchy is key: you can only make money by keepin it movin'. Any stagnation and you're not getting paid.

Tier 5: Entertainers
While they don't sell their sexuality specifically for financial gain, they do for an additional revenue stream. How many actors/actresses have we seen do magazine shoots where the point is to make them "sexy?" Cosmo, Maxim, Playboy, even Vanity Fair will prance out an actor/actress half naked or full nude and the extra attention makes you realize "damn he/she is hot. I'm going to see their next movie!" Hoes.

Note: Models do not make this list. While they are definitely pimped, they do not fit the definition of selling sex for financial gain.

Tier 6: Bar maids
This includes bartenders, cocktail waitresses, scandalously clad servers--any woman who works in a bar/club who flirts with you so that you drink more, so that you tip more. Remember folks the idea here is to sell sex for financial gain. They tease you more than strippers--you don't ever actually get to see anything. You might get cleavage but no beavage. Which makes you WANT to see more of her. So you keep ordering drinks and accepting her flirtatious advances in hopes that she'll relent and give you a sneak peek, or even go home with you. Except it's not going to happen. After all she's not a strip ho, or a prostitute.

Tier 7: Gold diggers
The lowest of all hoes, the fact is you're not getting anything from a gold digger. Readily willing to give you plenty of allure, you may get to first base but that's it. True professionals may be willing to go all the way to third base, but you're never getting home. And that's the point: to keep you on a string so that you keep spending that money in hopes of getting some action. While the profitability of this tier is quite high, they aren't quite as consistently successful to rank higher than any other hoes on this list. Many men no matter what their finances are like would rather get more for their money. With gold diggers you get less.

So there you have it. There are definitely many other types of hoes--people who sell something else in exchange for money such as consultants--but only these hoes sell sex. The entire Hierarchy will be LITERALLY on display tonight April 27th at Excalibur. Details can be found here.

The meanest, the prettiest, the baddest mo-fo low-down in this town
Your Highness in waiting,
SHO-NUFF