In case no one acknowledging Black History Month didn't tip you off, it's Black History Month. Yes, it's that magical time of year when Al Sharpton pops out of his hole, sees his shadow, and feigns significance for a few days. But do we still need this month?
With the exception of complacent progressives struggling to give their lives meaning, it seems no one gives race a second thought anymore. Especially now that the information age has shown us all races are equally saturated with dicks. And since we now have a blackish presidentish man in the White House, Black History Month seem downright silly; like sobriety or voting.
Besides, wouldn't it be better for all involved if the contributions of black people stood on their own merits, instead of being presented with the "pretty good for one of those people" qualifier? For those reasons and more it's time to end Black History Month. Still, February is so boring it should have some added significance. Below are some options.
Midget Month - Midgets have somewhat hopped the mini-shark with reality shows and whatnot, but I don't think the shortest month of the year is too much to ask for our shortest peoples. For bringing Ewoks and Munchkins to life, and for generally making us feel better about ourselves, these noble little freaks deserve Midguary.
Black People Who Accomplish Nothing Month - February has long been used to sing the praises of black inventors and the like. But what about the millions of blacks who haven't done jack shit? It's great that George Washington Carver found a hundred uses for peanuts, but doesn't Ray Ray or Pookie deserve a pat on the back for hitting a pony-sized bong and beating the DuckTales video game twice in one night?
Jew Holiday Month - I don't want to take anything away from Jews (mostly because their money-clutching talons are so powerful), but it would simplify things to take all their crazy observances that sound like dishes you order when you're feeling adventurous and cram them all into one month. Enjoy Roshanukkippur, my Jewy brethren!
Rational Conversation Month - Intended to counterbalance Valentine's, RCM will prohibit insincere affection and store-bought sentiment used to fog the mind and manipulate emotions of "adults" trying to convince themselves their orgasms aren't cheap and common. Instead, couples will calmly discuss why their relationship is unique and couldn't be replicated with any other adult who speaks the same language. I guess this could also be called Depressing Silence Month.
Terrorism Month - Okay, radical Muslims, if you pricks are so attention-starved you need to blow shit up for Allah (great way to win hearts and minds, by the way), go crazy all February. We'll even pretend to give a shit. We'll be like "Nooo... a-nother a-ttack. How will I go on? We done? Cool, I'm gonna go eat Oreo pizza and load my iPod. Have fun praying to the god who gave you celibacy and rubble."
Make-a-Month - Like Build-a-Bear, Make-a-Month lets individuals create what they please. You like Hitler and origami? Boom - it's Hitler and Origami Month. Into windsurfing and child abuse? Bang - it's Beat a Kid and Windsurf Month. Come to think of it, this is every month.
Why do we let society foist its crap on us? I don't give a shit about Jesus or MLK, yet I celebrate Christmas on December 25 and the third Monday of every January I get shot. Why? Because some different asshole I don't care about marked it on a calendar? Bullshit. So fuck it, from now on every month is Pot/Cartoons/Orgasm Month. I'M GONNA CELEBRATE!!!!
-RoboChuey
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