As most of you may not know recently I've decided to try my hand at children's literature. Not that I don't enjoy dumping my bitterness and hostility on you people, I just question its effectiveness. Because anyone reading this is either a) 13-24, in which case you're jaded because it's cool, or b) 25+, in which case you're jaded because you know life sucks.
Either way, it's impossible to crush hopes that don't exist. That's why I'm setting my literary sights on children; because they are full of joy and dreams that can be effectively quashed. Below, some of the books that will, fingers crossed, remove the twinkle from children's eyes and replace it with the listless gaze you see when you look in the mirror.
The Little Engine that Understood the Futility of Trying - A must-read for any child with unrealistic goals, this book follows a pessimistic little train fully aware of its limitations. It's sure to have your kids repeating "I don't think I can. But even if I could, what would be the point?"
Everyone Poops. Except Timmy, Because He Got A Colostomy - A brisk read conveying to children that, yes, 99% of the time life goes according to plan, but you just might end up shitting in a bag the rest of your life. Illustrating however innocent or decent you may be, you are never safe from an uncaring universe that considers you just another speck of matter, if it considers you at all.
Charlie & the Abandoned Warehouse - Celebrate with Charlie as he unwraps his Golden Food-stamp and the eccentric Billy Bonka takes him on a tour of America's Rust Belt. Four naughty children are along for the ride and learn valuable lessons, but they, along with the kind-hearted Charlie, are all doomed to the same fate - scrounging for food in a barren landscape that was once a mighty nation.
The Needy Tree - The tale of a relationship between a boy and a tree. Initially things seem ideal for the boy as the tree satisfies his every wish. But he soon realizes the tree isn't selfless, but craves constant validation and praise. What appears to be genuine love is merely the tree possessing the boy's body and mind to stroke its own ego. The boy, feeling trapped and stifled, runs off with other trees. And after many empty threats, the tree finally chops itself down.
Scarlett's Web and the Tasty Pig - Centers on a girl, a tiny pig and an amazing spider. One day the girl sees the family pig's new litter contains a runt. She pities him and names him Bilbur. The next day she sees something amazing - a barn spider has spun the message "Just a goddamn pig" into its web. She dismisses this odd occurrence and continues her day.
But the next day the web holds a more detailed message reading "Seriously, are you so desperate for affection that you would befriend a walking side of bacon? There's nothing more pathetic than someone who can't make human friends so they buddy up to animals just because animals don't have the ability to reject them." This resonates with the little girl. That night she and her family dine on her delicious little friend. Then they kill that spider.
No, Margaret. God Isn't There; Only a Dark Void Laughing At Our Insignificance - Let your preteen girl become disillusioned as Margaret learns every comforting idea she has ever been told is a lie. Beyond faith, I also tackle growing up in the chapter titled "Vagina Blood Means You're a Whore."
Where's AWOLdo? - For fatherless children only, this book will provide your tike with hours of fun as he or she searches for items in one large picture. But one thing they won't find is AWOLdo, the representation of the father they never see. He's nowhere to be found, but there's still plenty of fun to be had. Keep an eye out for the woman shouting "You're the reason he left!", a Nerf football with a birthday card taped to it, and a $300 check that appears on every third page.
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