GET HIGH LIKE PAPER, get fly like planes

These are true real life stories and rants associated with my recent flight from the wonderful city of CHI to the warm humidity of JAMlando, home of Mickey Mouse and the John London Experience.

1. THE SWA CHECK-IN - so on Southwest, if u dont check in at home, u basically have a 5%chance of getting an aisle or window seat. No bones about it, i am sure my mom suggested this because she is the type to show up at an airport 3 hours in advance and wait by the gate 2 hours in advance. If she could check into a flight a year in advance, you best believe she will. Me, I knocked it out a smooth 1 1/2 early from my sister’s house...others...they still go to the gate and that is where our story starts!
   
   
2. THE OLD SWITCHAROO - So this guy is getting on my flight rocking the last known Ed Hardy Trucker Hat in existence, and he’s accompanied by a very diminutive, yet cute blonde chick. They are obviously very much in love. Of course they checked in late because they are in Group C, also known as, middle seat and apart from each other!!! I am in group B and as I get on the flight, some whipper snapper tries to step in front of me, failing to realize Southsiders dont play that shit and I quickly step in front and board the plane.
   
   I digress…Ed HArdy...well him and his woman are still star gazing. As i get on the plane i immediately realize seating is mad limited. So i scoop the first aisle I see. The last window was taken by the quicker Black guy in front of me, and lucky, because his boy took the aisle in the same row. As I am sitting i see ED HArdy roll on, blonde in tow...and they have realized what I did...there are no two seats together. So they go up to my row (mid way point) and start staring into the back hoping that his trucker hat will materialize this non existent couples seating. They are causing a log jam and people are grumbling...then the pilot comes on.. "WE ARE NOT LEAVING UNTIL WE FIND SOME SEATING...(ed hardy gets excited) for this mother and her 4 yr old child. Unless you want a crying kid sitting next to you...give up ur seat. (ed hardy was visibly crushed...CRUSHED!)
   
   So they dont move, instead they are still staring at the back of the plane. Then he heads 3 rows up from me and spots that no white person wanted to sit in between the bruthas...they were obviously middle class, but still..no one wanted to take the chance. So ED HARDY rolls up, and starts bartering with the guy in the aisle seat (a smooth 5'10 220lbs) to take a middle seat a row in front of me, so that him and his girlfriend could sit together. He literally thought this was working. He was not going to sit his little blonde in between them for what i am sure he thought would break out into a tag team fest. So he keeps going...asking, pleading with this dude to give up his aisle seat to take a middle! Finally, and i have no idea why, the Aisle Black man, moves one seat over to the middle so that lil White girl could grab the aisle. Ed HArdy, resigned to the fact, he will not be sitting next to her, begins to stow his little, YES...ED HARDY MESSENGER BAG in the over head.
   
   Slamming the lid like a little kid asked to clean up his room. He spots a middle seat across the aisle and three rows up from the blonde smurfette and moves in quick. He starts asking that aisles window seat if he would trade his blonde smurfette's aisle seat for the window so they could sit togther, and therefore TOTALLY FUCKING OVER THE PREVIOUSLY AISLE BLACK MAN who is now, the BITCH MIDDLE SEAT BLACK MAN! The guy says sure, and the two black dudes start laughing realizing, one of them just got bitched. The former WINDOW guy is a smooth 5'6" 185 and he smiles because he realizes that his new row is going to be real snug. ED HARDY, you conniving bastard, I hope u get mugged!
   
   
3. When at the airport, do not drown out all the noise around u with headphones…you will end trying to get on the wrong flight boarding at the gate next to yours. You will then experience that awkwardness that only loud headphones and sunglasses can help u escape from.
   
   
4. Who shops from the sky mall? Do people crave bizarre products and inflated prices? It is fun to check out the LOTR stuff LOTR geeks will be picking up.
   
   
5. The woman next to me is semi-cute and has arms almost as big as mine…should I be worried?
   
   
6. Why is it that as soon as the wheels of the plane touch the ground people fire up their cell phones and initiate a 2 hour long convo full of longing emotion. The flight was 2 hours...u just left them 2 - 3 hours ago. Did those people purposefully not talk to their families all day, just to save up for the after flight convo?
   
   
7. When planes land, why do people not in the first 10 rows fire out of their seat and stand in the aisle? YOU'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE. It is going to take a at least 10 min to get near you, so sit down and relax. You were most likely just on vacation!

so fly...so so fly,
-iz3y!

M.I.A - Paper Planes (DFA REMIX)