Jokes, a clear definition of

A DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas, and talks with an old rancher.. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."


The rancher says, "Okay , but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.  The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land.. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? "

The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big 900Lb Santa Gertrudis Bull.  With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified.  The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....

"Your badge... Show him your badge!!"

Jay Cutler is not the answer at QB for DA BEARS

Take it from someone who has played at the lowest levels of football and is therefore an expert at the position: Jay Cutler is NOT the answer at QB for the Bears. I'll break down the reasons shortly, but it doesn't matter who you surround him with at receiver, who you put in front of him on the offensive line and who you have calling the plays on the sideline, the guy is NOT going to take his team to the mountain top. And here's why:

1) He has TERRIBLE (said in a mix of Charles Barkley and Stephen A. Smith) mechanics. For every Brett Farve and Bernie Kosar there are ton's more Jeff George's throughout the history of the league--they're just so not memorable that I can't list them here. The point is that an NFL QB can't simply rely on his arm strength to make consistent and accurate throws. We here commentators say this all the time and it's true--look at the accuracy ANY quarterback has when he has time in the pocket to throw. Which leads to my next point...

2) Sure the Bears O-Line was the worst pass blocking O-line in football. Cutler was sacked 54 times this season, some his own fault, others because the line sucked. But Peyton Manning and Tom Brady had to endure injuries to their offensive lines this season as well. (More on those gentlemen in a minute). In fact, poor offensive line play plagued many teams at different points this season--even the Green Bay Packers (just ask anyone who played in a fantasy league where sacks count as negative points). You could put Cutler behind some of the leagues best offensive lines (San Diego, New Orleans) and you'd still have a problem. Speaking of which...

3) It wouldn't matter who Cutler threw to. Manning had to throw to Reggie Wayne and guys from the stands this season. Brady hasn't had a "#1 receiver" his entire time in New England with the exception of Randy Moss. Wes Fuckin Welker is his favorite target. Phillip Rivers continued to put up good numbers without Vincent Jackson and Anotonio Gates. Good quarterbacks make receivers better--just ask Pierre Garcon. Good receivers can definitely make a mediocre QB look good--it happened in both Detroit and Dallas this season--but that's rare. So the fact that Devin Hester and Johnny Knox aren't "#1 receivers" is a good point, but even if they were John Taylor and Jerry Rice Cutler would still fail.

4) And it wouldn't matter who was calling the plays or what system he plays in. The key to success in any offense is accuracy and consistency, two things which Cutler doesn't bring to the table. In fact he may actually take them OFF the table. He's certainly mobile and faster than he looks which work in his favor. Two strengths never really exploited in Chicago. He was so successful in Denver because the field was cut in half, his reads were made simpler and he could move--which is why Donovan failed in DC under Cutler's old coach (because he doesn't move as well anymore). He simply doesn't have the right mix of tools to succeed in any system I've ever seen the Bears run (which isn't saying much considering Erik Kramer is the Bears all time leader in QB rating). Which brings me to my last reason...

5) Cutler is not a leader of men. At least it doesn't seem this way from the outside looking in. The way his team rallied around him after the game on 1/23 you would think Cutler is the best teammate in the world. They say all the right things. They've even elected him captain--before he even took a snap in a Bears uniform. So perhaps I'm wrong about this one. The only thing to do is to compare him against other successful leaders at his position and see if he even matches up. To a person, everyone in New Orleans would take a bullet for Drew Brees. I mean the ENTIRE CITY OF NEW ORLEANS. Never mind the Superbowl ring he brought them--the guy is an amazing story period. He's inspiring and works his butt off to inspire others. Brady inspires his team which is full of guys just like him--glossed over in the draft, no one things they can succeed--and has 3 Superbowl rings to show for it. Big Ben hooks his guys up with hot college chicks and is working on his third ring. Phillip Rivers backs up his trash talk and wills his team to victory at times. And NO ONE who has ever played with Manning can claim to have outworked him--and that commands respect.

From the outside looking in, Cutler doesn't have Manning's work ethic. If he did, his mechanical flaws would have been fixed. Cutler is a former first round draft pick so he's cocky--not playing with a chip on his shoulder like Brady. Cutler is from Santa Claus, IN--does he even know any hot bitches like Big Ben (who is not afraid to travel far and wide to find them)? And he doesn't seem to be as competitive as Phillip Rivers, who developed a rep in college as having a Larry Bird-esque competitive streak. (Yes I used Larry Legend because Phillip Rivers is white).

And NO ONE in Chicago would lend Jay Cutler $5 let alone take a bullet for him like N'awlins would do for Brees. Is Cutler rebuilding dilapidated homes on the souf side? Is he opening up children's wings of hospitals? is he donating crazy loot to his alma mater? If he is, is it because of contractual obligation or because he actually feels a sense of responsibility to do so since, you know, he's been blessed with talent and money?

I'm sorry to break it to the city of Chicago, but as long as #6 is the QB, this city won't be Superbowl Shuffling. And until the Bears get someone Payton, Jordan or even Rose-esque at the QB position, it'll stay that way.

Women fight for the right to PAAAAARRTTTAAAYYY!!

OH YES...we bring to you just another reason to visit Florida...Disney World, spring break, the great weather and then this!

theRANDOMS with BDG

• I wish people would realize they are not on REALITY TV and grow the fuck up. My son, lilBDG, is more mature and has better manners than most of these fools running around...
• Anthony Hopkins is playing a possessed guy in his next movie. I don't think he has that much acting to do. Look at that man. He is young priest and an old priest scenario all the time!
• Steven Tyler is a lecherous old man! His one daughter is hot....not sure how any of that fits, but thank you for being on American Idol and giving my parents a purpose for watching the show. My dad also favors JLo....
• Chicago sports are hot!!! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE continue to hate on us you hating bastards!
• BEARS....PACKERS...SUNDAY....why isnt ESPN covering this like the Yankees vs Red Sox...Patriots VS [insert NFL team here]? Well because they dont want to come to a blue collar town and freeze their nuts off. They talk about the glory days of sports, but forget the glory days of journalism. Go have a smoke and drink with the players guys and start covering the sports and not making the news.
• Dealerships dont rip you off as much as they prey on your ignorance. Quit being ignorant or fork over the money and feel comfort in ur ignorance!
• if ur going to go through a mid life crisis, make it something meaninful. if ur under 50, ur not going through a MLC...ur just bored!
• the best relationships are the ones where people are not afraid to speak their minds but are careful not to deliberately hurt feelings. They also involve good sex....
• Talk softly but carry a big stick has turned into YELL LIKE A MORON.......yeah thats pretty much it. Thank you Housewife shows and Basketball wives!
• Buy a MAC...this message brought to you by a guy who has been in IT since his uncle moved in, in the early 80s.
• If you ask a computer guy to fix ur machine, expect to return the favor. Ladies, u might have to give it up to a geeky guy....yeah...BUY A MAC!
• Why are the Simpsons still on the air?
• I want to work for ESPN where i can write such definitive statements like...TEAM A IS GOING TO BE GREAT win it all, but with that being said.. I EXPECT TEAM B to make noise and pull off the upset. Thank you...

TIP OF THE WEEK: Eat at the French Market on Clinton and Randolph. Specifically at Pastoral. More specifically the following two sandwiches. Trust me on this, I know food!

1. Panino d'Prosciutto....substitute the PODDA with MOZZARELLA and add mango chutney
2. Club Nuovo....add Prosciutto and Quince/Apple Shallot Confit

-BDG

Let's see if we cant generate some old fashioned hatred here

It's just a game.

In today's Chicago Sun-Times respected Journalist Don Pierson wrote that this coming Sunday's NFC championship game between the Green Bay Packers and the Chicago Bears is not the biggest game ever in the city of Chicago. He stated that the 1963 title game between the New York Football Giants and the Chicago Bears is the biggest game ever to be played because it was for the title.

I am no respected journalist and while millions have read your work Mr. Pierson the 3 people that read this blog will find that i respectfully disagree.

This game will be the 181st time the Packers and Bears will play each other. This is the longest rivalry in the history of football. During the previous 180 games they have only met once in the playoffs, 69 years ago. This isn't a wildcard game. This is for the right to represent the NFC in Super Bowl XLV.

The winner of Sunday's game will hoist the George S. Halas trophy which most likely will be presented to them by his daughter Virginia McCaskey. The winner will then play for the right to hoist the Vince T. Lombardi trophy on Sunday February 6, 2011.

I do not need to explain who the two men are that the trophies are named after. But if you do not understand the history and importance of this game then you do not know shit about this game we all love so much.

Damn i love me some pussy...

Annually 3-4 million cats and dogs are euthanized. The remains are then processed and turned into feed which is then fed to pigs, cows and other animals that we the people consume. When you see the label on a package that states "no animal by-products" it means the farm that the meat is from does not feed them the stray dogs and cats that were not picked up from your local humane society.

If you say "who cares" it's all good. But next time you are playing with your pet or someone else's why not just kill em, skin em, grill em and eat em.

I've noticed some strays wandering around my neighborhood. Can't wait to fire up the grill come summer. Yum!

Derrion Albert Killer Sentenced

Story link: MyFoxCHICAGO.com

A South Side teenager was sentenced to prison Tuesday until he’s 21 years old after being convicted in the fatal beating of 16-year-old Fenger High School honors student Derrion Albert.  And if the 15-year-old breaks any rules while incarcerated, he would have to serve 30 years in prison as an adult, Cook County Juvenile Court Judge Colleen Sheehan ruled.

Sheehan acknowledged that the 15-year-old hadn’t meant to seriously harm Albert in the Sept. 24, 2009, attack that was caught on a cellphone video that was widely seen on the Internet.  “Even though you didn’t intend to do that, you are responsible for his death,” Sheehan said.  The teenager, who was 14 at the time of the attack outside Fenger on the far South Side, could be released from prison before he is 21 but must serve at least five years behind bars, under the terms of his sentence.

He can be seen on the video punching Albert in the face, sending him crashing to the pavement.  Albert died after being punched, kicked and struck by wooden boards in broad daylight.  The 15-year-old was found “delinquent” — guilty, in juvenile court terminology — last month of murder.

Last week, a Cook County jury found another suspect in Albert’s death, Silvonus Shannon, guilty of murder. Three others are still awaiting trial.

On Tuesday, Albert’s mother, Anjanette Albert, told the teenager that he “stole” her gift when he killed her son. "You helped destroy a family,” she said.  The boy apologized to the family.

How FB redefined humanity

I was having a discussion over the summer with a colleague of mine over FB. His contention was that we havent done jack shit in the last decade to improve technology and in turn the human condition. He went on to pontificate that the GOOGLE revolution and the MICROSOFT evolution were things of the past. He basically sized up humanity for extinction because we no longer are striving to do shit except change our statuses on FaceBook, friend up people to join their mafia's, and post pix of embarrassing moments that used to remain relatively private.

IT was a great argument if you were person who never picked up a computer or your name is Sarah Palin, but it just didnt hold water. Nope...i had to interject. First...tech isnt only about tech. Tech while being digital still has a living organic component to it. It is a parasite and we are the fleshy fools who fuel it.

Nowadays lives are being defined at www.facebook.com and i know i am not telling anyone anything they already didnt know. You are prolly reading this from FB and have already had ur fill of info for the hour. Newpapers, blogs, street corner criers, have no chance against the pull of Facebook. One of my co-workers told me once that if it is not on Facebook it didnt really happen or it wasn't that important to begin with. Think about that and then remember how you heard about the lastest tragedy or other big news. FB statuses made me turn on the news to find out about the shooting in AZ. Say i am out of touch or that i need better reading material if you want, but you can't deny that reach and the intricate bonds we have formed.

Friendship is now defined by a very public and digital contract. If your friend doesnt have an account u wonder if they have a brain. If you two are not friended up then you are not really friends. If you DEFRIEND a person...well you might as well brick their windows and shit on their carpet. Relationships have stepped it to another level using it as a beacon to signal to chickenheads that this profile...this HUMAN is off limits. People check their significant others profile page 5 minutes after they start going out and every hour after to see when that person thinks their relationship is official. Telling people is no longer enough....you need to be FB OFFICIAL.

Google advanced searching the web, then the internet "cloud" computing idea, and still tries to reinvent and reimagine every aspect of the computing experience. Microsoft and Apple do the same, and then there are millions of programmers around the world hoping to hit the next big thing or the next hot item that will take humanity to another level. This is what my friend wants to hear, but i have to break his heart and tell him...all those people have FB accounts. They are part of this wave of tech evolution and integration....we are on the GRID and again i am not telling you nothing you don't already know. I am just pointing out what you take for granted. This phase of tech evolution is the INTEGRATION...we are becoming the borg. "Resistance is futile!"

I am off to get my FB chip implant...wait no has produced that yet....

-iz3y!

Did you hear?

Apparently, taylor lautner tried to kill a U.S Congresswoman from Arizona.  I guess she was on team Edward.  Wow, not too long ago, this young actor was famous for being buff and being a teen hearthrob, now he will go down in infamy for trying unsucessfully to kill a congressperson.  I guess this derails plans for Twilight part 5 (The Quest for More Money).  I am sure Ismael Julio Lopez is devastated

She did it to me again

Kim Kardashian doesn’t really do anything of course, but before this our famous celebrities who didn’t really do anything were fug whores like Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie. Remember that? What the hell was that all about? So at least Kim is hot, and goes on her twitter and posts pics of her kick ass rack. The only way to get even more intimate pictures of Kim is to be a black athlete. I almost slightly forgot about her HUGE ASS.

I need a team of about 12 men and one young boy to help me contain this monster

What the hell Kim?  Your ass taking steriods?  This is borderline fat-ass territory.

It's Lunchtime!!!

Last week while listening to the radio the host declared the following. "Who grows up wanting to race a bicycle?" and "Bikes are for putting baseball cards in the spokes." are phrases that were declared.

Several years ago the man above was debating whether Lance Armstrong deserved to win Athlete of the Year over Tiger Woods. The man said that cycling isn't even a sport. That's right. Take another look at him. He still looks about the same today.

This isn't about doping allegations. This is about respect.

I challenge either of these two men to compete in the Tour de France.

Here are some stats for those of you who don't care one iota about cycling.

- The race is usually broken up into 21 days (stages) over approximately a 24 day period during the month of June.

- Over these 21 stages a cyclist covers over 2,100 miles with usually only 2 days of rest.

- During these stages there are Category 1 and Unclassified climbs into mountains which include the Alps and the Pyrenees.

- The categories are ranked by the steepness of the climb and height. Category 1 being the 2nd highest and Unclassified being so high that God hand the cyclists a water bottle if they need one.

- The climbs include gradients of 7.9 or higher. Jump on a treadmill and try 7.9. Imagine that on a bike.


I know, I know. So many cyclists have been found to be dopers. But you know what. Not all of them are!

The Tour will be going on for the 98th year in 2011. To watch the small French towns go crazy to catch a glimpse of all these men ride past them for a split second is awesome. The thousands of people who crowd the mountainside to cheer the men on as they search for every last ounce of strength they have to push those pedals is awe inspiring.

The sport of cycling uses strength, endurance, strategy, teamwork, the ability to work under pressure, the ability to work alone, hand eye coordination, courage, hard work and balls. Big balls. To go over 60mph down a a mountain with no rails to protect you from taking the plunge takes huge balls.

Just because you didn't grow up wanting to race bicycles doesn't mean there isn't a little boy somewhere, who just received a nice shiny bike from Santa, who wants to race the shit out of those two wheels.

Go ahead give the Tour a shot! You don't even have to enter. Just go while it isn't running and try the route.

Don't like something? Don't respect something? Fine. But don't force your ignorant opinions on the rest of the world. Unfortunately, there are people out there who can't make up their own minds and take every word people like you say to heart. Just because you don't understand something doesn't make it stupid. My 5 year old even understands that.