RECAP OF SPADESFEST September 2010

You did not even realize how epic yesterday was.  You probably woke up, had a crumby breakfast, and dragged your tired butt to work.  You pout in your 9 hours, did unremarkable work, and then drearily headed home to watch your beloved Chicago Bears at 7pm.  The starters did not play, and your evening plans were dashed by 7:01.  If you are like so many others, you went to bed early and tried to catch up on lost sleep. 

     If you are awesome like me, you played cards, drank beers, and talked shit to a rag-tag bunch of people you call your friends.  Yesterday.....YESTERDAY, the battle was fought on a stage so epic in scale, one can only call it CHICHEN ITZA!  On this ground, this killing field, 4 titans met and clashed for the title of SUPREME SPADES CHAMPIONS OF THIS UNIVERSE AND SEVERAL OTHER NEARBY ONES.  The Battle lines were drawn early, and it would be Sir Sherwood Schwartz of Schwertfeger in Switzerland and Fearsome, Fightin Fagmael Lopez, Vs the Garfield Ridge Grappler, and his sidekick, Jim the Cubs are still in it Banda.  There was also Johnner Londono, but was peripheral, and not important to the story.

     The first round went to the Schweez and fag.  Our heroes were instantly down 10-3.  SInce the fist round relies heavily on luck, and skill plays only a minor role, I was not worried.  The second round was quickly underway.  The grappler and Hopeless cubs guy circled their prey like a starving jackyl would circle johnner.  Quietly, they waited to see what their enemies would do, searching all the while for hidden clues or eye movements that would leak vital information as to their gameplan.  In the distance johnner said something about I don't know what the hell he was talking about.  The second round was fast and furious, fag and schwert were not.  They quickly found themselves in a hole.

The third and fourth rounds saw more of the same.  The grappler, and hopeless cubs were throwing cards that danced on the field of death like a Valkyrie picking worthy souls to whisk off to Valhalla, the great hall of Asgardian's heroic dead.  Time after time the grappler's cards found their mark, with momentum being handed off between the grappler and Hopeless Cub guy effortlessly.  Patrick Schwayze and drew brees were in dire straights.  They decided to act on their suicide plan to go blind.  Going blind my friends, is when you state your target before the cards are dealt.  Successfully reaching your goal, will not only crush your opponents will, but net you DOUBLE points. 

The fifth round had begun.  ity looked bad for the grappler hopeless cub guy, with their own bid a meager minimum of 4.  Whent he dust had settled, breezy and schweezy had reached their goals.  They laughed and rejoiced and danced around and pinched each others butts, but their gay celebration was short-lived, they had not bothered to look at our heroes' hands.  They too had reached their goals!  They did not celebrate.  They wore no expressions of joy on their faces.  They knew the fickle nature of lady luck, and were determined to hump her into submission right then and there on the crazy aztec/incan/mayan folding cardtable of death.

  The sixth hand came and went as quickly as you read this sentence, which is fast unless you are johnner londono.  After making fun of Johnners JP Morgan CHASE shirt, the players quickly refocused on a potentially big round seven.  By this time, the schweezy breezy beautiful cover girls were getting blown out like so many cub games where they face the pirates.  Round seven, the seventh iteration of this deadly game of chance and will, would be the last.  Both teams made their bids, with a wild all-or-nothing gambit by the cover girls.  This would be difficult for the grappler, and the cubs suck duck faced dick hopeless guy.  Their bid needed to walk the razor's edge of awesomeness and madness to win.

The cards were dealt, and the round began.  Cards flew fast and furious, like our insults towards Johnner.  the Grappler had had decent luck, and in this hand, this last hand of the match, he had hit the motherload!  He had to be careful not to win too much, as underbidding had dire consequences.  The grappler had no other choice but to let the cover girls think they had a chance to win.  Skillful acting and purposefull losing had fed the hopeless dreams of the cover girls, like so many seasons fo New York Giants Football.  But just like New York Giants football, there would be a late game swoon, and spiral towards a lonely and meaningless death.  The grappler having no other alternative, boldly proclaimed "ABondon all hope, ye who enter here!"   For the benefit of johnner, that means " You are super-fucked, because I cannot lose."

     They had done it.  Our heros had won.  On that day those proud few, that band of brothers, took the best their opponents could muster, and laughed at them, and at Johnner.  They won with the ultimate victory being 532 to 51, which is fucked up because you get 50 points just for showing up.  The evening then qucikly led to internal bickering on team Cover girls, huffy puffy rants by fag, and mild indifference by schway-z.  The table was quielty folded up, and stored away.  The teams bumped fists, and went on to walk around.  Some, with the sweet victory and cold beer taste in their mouths, and others with bitter defeat and salty tears.  This ramifications and repicussions of this epic event were felt in downtown Lagrange, New Zeleand , and in the sweet sweet banana trees of Colombia, but if you blinked, you probably missed it.

Yours in Victory
The Garfield Ridge Grappler