Dinner with the Devil

Wow, I wonder how many of you freaked after reading that headline....DINNER WITH THE DEVIL! Relax, I am happy to report that I have my soul intact and better insight into this enigmatic fool. I guess sometimes it just pays to be in the wrong place at the right time, but I will let you decide.

For one, the Devil is not red. Likes red, but doesn't prance around with red skin or a pointy tail. Call me disappointed when I didn't see any horns, but the number six does play a role. Yeah, amazingly the Devil likes the number 6. Satan did reassure me that that doesn't mean everyone who likes the number 6 is evil, but it can't hurt to be a little apprehensive. That's the thing about the beast, the bastard is actually friendly. There isn't all that burning and misery all the time. Nope, at least in the beginning there is banter, wish fulfillment, jokes, and even dancing. Oh yes, the Devil dances, but not really with you...likes to lead and all, but you learn to deal with it. So over dinner, the devil never knows what to order which I found disconcerting at first as well a few other things: no desire to order for itself, mumbles a lot, and constant indecision. I mean I guess when you spend eternity in hell you really have no idea how to act in general public. Oh, and the beast is always cold. Good lord, I mean always. In a hot room, Satan does nothing but bitch about how much warmer it could be. I take it back, the Devil is a Little red...burns easy under the sun (Glory of God?) which brought me hours of fun as I would poke the burnt flesh. Come on, who wouldn't inflict some measure of pain on the Devil?

Back to my point...the Devil is crafty. Hard to figure it out at first but really the warning signs are always there. LUCY, (my nickname for this horrid bitch) loves to fuck with you, and make you uneasy. Simple little shit like, throwing fits in public or in front of family and friends. People will stare at you and start blaming you like you did something wrong and all the while this freak of nature is laughing on the inside. Lucy also loves to mess with your mind by making you believe what you just said is not what you just said. You can proclaim "hey....I didn't know this wouldbe so much fun...you're not so bad Beezlebub!" and you will get "DID YOU JUST CALL ME A BITCH? YOU DON'T LOVE ME? NO ONE LOVES ME!!!!" Gets real awkward when your at a dinner function and people are just staring at you like you wore a Hitler outfit to a BAR MITVAH. Yeah, Satan is a real muthafucka...

Here are some helpful tips I have gathered that should help you out in detecting and dealing with LUCY, because at some point you will. The bitch loves to infect your loved ones even for fleeting moments.

• During Holidays if the person you're with starts bitching like they are on fire because you have to see your family, slap them like a dog with a newspaper. Lucy hates that and your loved one trapped inside this possessed body will appreciate it. (they call Lucifer the beast for a reason)
• Sudden bouts of crying followed by anger and shouting, followed by a serene calmness that is straight out of the exorcist means you exit stage left. You really don't want to be exposed to this type of behavior for extended periods of time. It gets REAL annoying!
• the Beast tries to convince you your family is evil because they are treating you like family. That has to be wrong because family is never nice...they are EVIL. Seriously, if at this point you haven't walked away your really dumb or too stubborn for you own good, but mostly dumb!
• Promise of change...that you requires you change to fit inside your new box of eternal pain. Forget happiness who needs that?

Ultimately, if you around the Devil you will feel desperation, hate, anger, and a tinge of jealousy. Run, don't walk, and surround yourself with love as quickly as you can. This includes family and friends who care for you. Hell, go to a ballgame, or hit up a bar and hug the bartender. In general, it is a best practice to hug people..if they have big 'hearts' even better.

Dinner with the Devil isnt all that bad though...where else would I get so many fucked up stories and countless hours of jokes. Lucy has to be good for something even if it is just to be the center of my cautionary tales...so be it.

-iz3y!

Rolling Stones - Sympathy for the Devil