Resolution is not just for TV's

A new year is here and it's once again time to start down the path of self-improvement. But why is that? We all know other people are the problem. Why, then, do we always resolve to improve ourselves? It is my duty, as someone who isn't a dick or a retard, to stay the course. So instead of mislabeling a bunch of harmless character traits as "flaws" so I can delude myself into thinking I'm becoming a better person, I'm going to present the rest of you assholes with YOUR resolutions. Now get to resolving, biz-natch.

You resolve to... have gay sex. Not to better understand homosexuals or any of that gay shit, but to realize specific sexuality is a sham. If you can overcome centuries of social programming and pop one off in your gender's mouth, you may realize what every leg-humping dog or 12-year-old who gets an erection from a light breeze already knows: pretty much anything can get you your nut.

You resolve to... change religions. I'm not saying abandon religion, just change teams. Christian to Muslim, Jew to Canadian, whatever. You'll be amazed how little your life changes. The same ratio of answered prayers, the same wasted weekends, the same baseless sense of superiority. In fact, the only notable change will be the color of the facial hair on the invisible man you talk to.

You resolve to... give up hypocrisy. Whether it's religious, political, social or cultural, do nothing you would judge others for. You'll be shocked how quickly you realize you're completely full of shit. And that'll get you one step closer to where you need to be: without beliefs or standards of any kind.

You resolve to... gain as much weight as possible. I know this flies in the face of the standard "lose weight" resolution, but it is my hope that the material we extract from the earth for our extra food combined with added gravitational force from our fat asses will finally cause the planet to implode and put an end to this sporadically amusing little play.

You resolve to... be apolitical. We get it: if we'd just listen to an alcoholic with a junior high education or a stoner with a stoner's education all this shit would be fixed. Well your R's and D's won't listen, so jump ship already, you damn redneck and/or hippie. You Libertarians and "Independents" are no better. Only by abandoning all interest in this bullshit can you truly get what you want politically.

You resolve to... join the military. We already can't afford what we spend on defense, so fuck it, let Uncle Sam employ all of us. Yeah, living in the Middle East will suck, but it's not like it's worse than manning a cubicle or deep fryer 50 hours a week. As for the dying... what do we lose, like, a dozen guys out of a couple hundred thousand every week? Shit man, we lose twice that many people to Walmart tramplings and Hostess-related overdoses every day.

You resolve to... use your cell phone only when needed. For many of you this may eliminate all cell phone use - Hooray! Now, I know five seconds of uninterrupted thought can be scary, but hang in there and I think you'll find it quite useful. Introspection can be the greatest teacher you have if you just take a moment to exercise it. It's no "lol" or video of a cat doing a human activity, but I like it.

You resolve to... hate a race other than black people. Many folks foolishly declared that Obama's election spelled the end of racism. Wrong. It merely spelled the end of racism towards one race. You can still go hate-crazy on Hispanics, Asians, hell, even whitey. Take a look at modern man and you realize it's all six of one/ half dozen the other. As long as you're making yourself unhappy for no reason, that's all that matters.

You resolve to... get an abortion. Just to try it on for size. The anti-abortion crowd would ease up on their vehement opposition if they'd just take the plunge. It's like going to that Pakistani restaurant. Everything about it says you'll hate it, but then you give it a chance and it's like "Hey, this isn't half bad."

-Your Friendly Neighborhood RoboJesus