Anthony Rizzo walks on water... an undercover report of recent Cubs musing

Let me begin with, as a South Side Sox Fan, it is great that we have this "rivalry" in this city to give us something to do when our teams are not performing well.  It is also amusing to debate Chicago baseball at bars with lifelong fans ping ponging their opinions and views back and forth as biblical fact and then all of us ultimately deciding that with Ditka the Bears would be undefeated in baseball (Chicago thing...come find out).  Recently though, the north side of town has been caught up in a buzz and lathered itself into a fever pitch that has blinded them to the fact they are about to ruin another prospect's career with hopeless and impossible expectations.  If you don't know, the Cubs traded for a player named Anthony Rizzo, a prospect for the San Diego Padres who hit .141 in 129 at bats for the Padres last season.  He is seen as a can't miss prospect due to his ability to .....well hell i am not sure.  Still, the PR campaign is overwhelming so I wanted to share with you a sampling of what I am hearing.

What Cubs fans are expecting Anthony Rizzo to do!

• Lead the league in Homers, RBI's, Batting Average, ERA, Saves, WAR, WHIP, and if he has time, Walks.
• Trade Alfonso Soriano's entire contract for a young Major League Star.  It is rumored he will include his batting jersey for Bryce Harper if necessary, and the thinking is the Nationals are strongly considering it.
• Hit 4th in the lineup and 9th for the pitcher from the opposite side to escape suspicion.
• Negotiate the Teacher's union strike and make the Mayor and Union happy.  If he has time he may opine on the Firefighter's talks as well.
• Create more jobs and lower unemployment back to acceptable level (~2.5%)
• Play 1st Base and cover most of Second Base to allow Darwin Barney more time to chat with Starlin Castro and remind him how many outs there are.
• Remind Starlin Castro how many outs there are since Darwin isn't doing his job
• Step in as the new hitting coach by being the only player taking batting practice so the team can mimic his swing.
• Destroy Twitter and raise Facebook's stock value
• Draft up a new strategy to combat the shootings in Chicago and address the mob actions in River North.  He will also put more police on streets while lowering cost.
• Raise property values as a whole in Chicago as people flock to see him.
• Rebuild Wrigley overnight to include luxury suites, more seating, more space for ads, a JumboTron, and create outdoor festival space on Sheffield and Waveland by building and underground passage on those two streets by Saturday or at least before the Blues Brother's screening.  He will also do this so that Wrigley faces the city and the residents will allow for night games (something about a soundproof force field).
• Help get Obama elected and get Rahm off their back.  
• Provide diversity and sensitivity training to the Wiener Circle staff
• Eliminate PEDs from Baseball, Football, and water Polo.
• Clean up the Chicago river so we can swim in it...not that he will need to since he will be walking on it.

That is a short list of what I am hearing coming from the north side so this will be an interesting Summer in Chicago.  Wait, i just heard Rizzo will be extending summer in Chicago to at least 8 months out of the year.  If you hear anything else please share!  We on the Southside will be practicing our YOUK! chants and may even use them in person.

-iz3y!