Usama Bin Laden and Sports

Hello Evildoers,

     It is I, the Handsome Righthander, here to talk about sports.  These are the burning issues in sports today as they relate to Usama Bin Laden being slaughtered like a pygmy goat gets circled and devoured at Brookfield Zoo's children's petting zoo.

1)  Osama Bin laden is dead.  How is this sports related?  Well, it basically means USA -1, Pakistan - 0.  EAT IT PAKISTAN.

2)  Obama interrupted  Donald Trump's show, the Apprentice.  I for one, was unaware this show was still on.  Most network TV sucks.  I like the notion though, that Obama made trumps show doubly insignificant with both good news, and interruption.  Who the hell was still in their seats after the announcement was made?  Who wasn't a bit teary eyed hearing the news.  I like to think the move was on purpose.  In fact, you could say it was Obama's trump card.  To which, Trump replied that he needed to see the death certificate.

3)  Osama was hiding out in some compound a mile from a Pakistani Military base.  The house was 5X larger than any other structure in the area.  A team of bad ass American troops moved in and took him out without alerting Pakistani officials.  I believe that this was to keep them from shuffling Usama around.  In the end, they shot him as he cowered behind a female human shield.  In the compound they  found a bed he shared with another man, a can for burning garbage, and Derek Jeter's hitting ability and swing.

4)  The Bulls thought that yesterday was a national Holiday, and that's why the only really tried hard int he 3rd quarter.  They only honestly tried to score 100 for the free big mac, and when that seemed implausible they packed it in.

5)  The only time I turn down Sox Tickets, they go nuts and win a game.  I stayed home to watch the Bulls game, which they lost.  it was a backwards day all around.  But hey, my day could have been worse.  I could be Usama Bin Laden, all dead and stuff, in the intestines of some fish in the ocean.

6)  The US Government is considering showing a picture of Bin Laden's corpse.  They had better not, unless they want millions of Americans to make shirts and quilts and bumper stickers of the image.  In fact, a smart government would trademark the pics, and sell bumper stickers to raise money for the national budget.  At baseball games, we could post it as the national anthem played.  We could say an athlete got "Usama'ed"  instead of "Bombed."  We could also say "I gotta go bury bin laden" as code for flushing a piece of shit out to sea.

7)  Every fan at the next Sox and Cubs game, should donate a dollar towards the 25M reward put on Usama's head.  now Payable to troops probably making 16-24K a year, far from home and families, and defending our rights every day and night.

8)  We should honor the soldiers who got Usama, and they should never have to pay for super bowl tickets or beer for the rest of their lives.  If they cal lay off the slider on the corner in the dirt, they should also get to play left field for the Cubs.

9)  My throat is all sore from screaming and yelling in the quad here at the school I work at.  To the class who's quiet introspection time I ruined, go screw yourselves.  There is no damn quiet introspection time at work.  There is not quiet introspection time when the budget has to be ironed out by end of day.  There's no time to meditate when you are an Umpire and the bases are loaded and there are no outs and Ozzie Guillen is angry at the strike zone.  There is no time to meditate when the baby is crying, the stove is boiling over, and the phone is ringing.  How about you all go quietly reflect on how to spell words correctly?  LOL, LMAO, and all that other shit does not count as real words.  

10)  Obama should have a 20/20 special to talk about how the plan all went down to kill Bin Laden.  he should be in a room with Lebron James, and a bunch of rappers, to make Muslims think that James and the rappers are strategic masterminds.  Since most Muslims are distrusting of African Americans or blacks, this will stop them from recruiting in Africa, where the crazier terrorists tend to come from.  This will also help to show young people who look up to these entertainers that forcing your ideology on others is wrong, unless it mentions bitches and hoes, or taking your talents wherever the hell you want.  Secretly, I just hope the terrorists target Lebron James and wakka flakka flame.  Well, I just hope the smack James around.