Alcohol is a powerful thing....

Now let me tell you about this little thing called Alcohol...it is some funny ass shit. It can make you feel 10 feet tall or reduce u to 3 feet of rubble as you're praying to a porcelain god. Yes, many stories have been born from this entity and many more to come. I have written about the drunk text before, and the joy each one brings to the recipient. Now before you worry about me, dont! I am a certified as not having an alcohol or substance dependency. Oh yes..a shiny certificate and everything and armed with this, I dive full in and report the news.

The DRINKING GAME: not like asshole or card games, but the actual game of picking up a warm body to go home to. Drinking facilitates this process like lube to....wait...that is later on! Whilst people are drinking, you will see the inhibitions drip away without issue. For instance, this weekend my boy, we will call him WALLACE, decided he was Latin! Oh yes...LATIN! Mexican even. He felt the spirit call out to him and that included the spirit telling him to jack up his dance partner while listening to Mexican Cumbia music. That his partner was someone's mom/aunt/sister didn't stop him one bit because he is in the full DRUNKEN GAME zone. Oh yeah...full on lambada muthafuckas! This is also where the drunk text lives. Where lines like "so what does ur bed feel like" seem like the best of ideas to send to your first girlfriend after not talking to her for over 18 years. Yes, drinking brings out the best of times, and the worst of lines.

DRUNK STRENGTH: is the ability to all of a sudden be superhuman. You're picking up women, or your boyfriend, depending on the amount of alcohol involved. You have no issue sliding down stairs bare assed or front, and challenging people to do the same. Oh please dont even let me get started on backyard BBQ tackling...that is a whole other sport with absolutely no discernible rules as my brother found out when a 105lb missile laid his ass out. My other boy, lets reference him as Mij Mils, decides roman-greco wrestling with people twice his size is a good idea. I personally have never reached this level of stupidity, since once again, I AM CERTIFIED SOBER, but i have dabbled. I clearly need to imbibe more so that I can acquire my hulk-like strength...and next time I won't drop someone on their head. no worries, Drunk Strength also gives you DRUNK HEALTH. Concussions are for fucking sober pussies! Oh yeah, and totally get liquored up and go challenge the UFC fighter...u can totally kick his ass Clown Baby. Now let's whip off that shirt and we can get started.

DRUNKEN EMOTIONALITY: the experience only alcohol can bring that rocks u to ur very soul. Oh yes, you really do feel that strongly about ur bonds with your cat. Please, totally start slobbering on my fucking shirt. Hell, hug me and call me brother, and tell me you love you and me, you emotional muthafucka! Wait...i should shut up here...but I WONT!!! No, I will not fail to point out the emotional explosions that make every party a hit. Random threats about how ur gonna kick my ass, as ur bad breath ass is breathing in my face asking for me a beer and calling me cool! No please expound further on how you were the captain of the cheerleading squad, but that fucking bitch stole ur husband 10 years later. Shit man, i heart the random..."I love her" statements to women you don't even know. I need more "I want to marry him and have his babies" to a guy who is jacking up your cousin and i am sure giving her the "i love you" line.

Yes, Alcohol is a powerful and wonderful thing. It has brought humanity countless hours of joy and pain. Since I am CERTIFIED SOBER, I have concentrated on mastering how to serve really strong (but subtle) alcoholic drinks really quick just to see people fall out. That beer starts getting a little low...BOOM...another fucking beer muthafucka. Hell, you need a Tequila sidecar with that shit to get u ready for greatness.

As always, your reporter in the streets...

-iz3y!

Metallica - Fuel