Because I know you guys wanna know about my vacation...

Lessons learned, observations, highlights and quotes from my four day weekend in sunny Arizona:

Lessons Learned

• Do NOT stay at the Cottonwoods Resort and Suites in Scottsdale.  Why?  Because it's not a resort.  Sure it's expansive and has tennis courts--but no robes or slippers in the rooms, no spa on site and EVERYTHING is extra.  Not that I came to use any of those things but they should be there if the name of the hotel has "resort" in it.  Guess that's what I get for booking on Hotwire

• If you're coming to Phoenix in the spring for a long weekend, don't come on Thursday--because everyone else is too.  Meanwhile, the car rental places will be out of cars, even if you have a reservation.  Get there Wednesday and save yourself the trouble of dealing with all the extra people in the airport.

• Speaking of people at the airport, I've never been around an uglier collection of people at one time.  And I'm from the Midwest.  We're talking a range from flat out not cute to mugs who just didn't give a fuck about how they look.  Just no pride in self.  Thank God for Tacos + Tequila (dinner spot the last night) and Camelback Ranch, otherwise I'd be concerned for Phoenix.

• If we ever get Richard, Mitch, John London and Sebastian in the same room at the same time, there's gonna be a good time had.  The level of fun will be much much lower should any of the alter egos show up.

• Eff what you've read on mlb.com--Contreras is no where near being ready to pitch.  In fact he should retire or just throw batting practice (which is what he did in the Giants game Friday).  The man can't find the strike zone with GPS.

• The Sox will struggle with infield defense this season.  Both Fields and Starting Second Baseman will be liabilities from what I've seen in my short time here.

• Paulie however will be the Paulie that signed that huge contract extension after the World Series, provided he stays healthy.

• The sun reflects its light off of light colored surfaces.  Which means all my white folks out there need to prepare for the coming warm weather.  Fake bake.  I really don't want to need sunglasses to see you walking down the street come May.  You could EASILY spot all the Midwesterners at Camelback Ranch--they were the extra pale folks.  The ones just glad to have some sun in their lives.  The ones that won't be able to move tomorrow due to sunburn.  Bottom line--either cover it up with some linen or brown it up before hand.

• Scottsdale brings a new meaning to "baller."  Broke mugs drive Lexus's out there.  I'm talkin Rolls, Bentley's, etc.  And an unreasonable amount of Hummers for some reason (which isn't baller but whatever).
  

• John McCain is full of shit.  Phoenix has more highway construction (i.e. pork projects) than any state I've seen in a while--and I live in Illinois and am from Ohio.  If he's not eating swine then it's his fellow senator from the state of AZ.  Either way AZ is getting all kinds of pork.

Highlights:

• Scene: First baseline at Camelback ranch, right outside the men's bathroom.
• The scenario: foul ball comes out of nowhere after bouncing onto the concourse and under the stairs leading to the "suites"
• Action: Nick "The Esquire" Cummings shows that he's in mid season softball form by fielding the ball in spectacular fashion--diving with a Sox nap sack on his back and catching it with one hand while some kid Dodger fan lumbers toward him.  He not only didn't drop the nap sack, but the Ones stayed white and he didn't lose his hat.  Note: Concentration on the ball was so intense that I didn't even notice the kid.  Michelle had to tell me about it later.

Quotes:

• "He's got a date with a rabbit." -- Michelle after spotting a guy in Fry's grocery store with mad veggies and some Amaretto in his basket.
• "I'm not buying lemonade from a guy that looks like he's a child molester." -- Mitch in full Mitch mode at the Whitesox vs. Giants game on Friday commenting on the lemonade vendor.  Keep in mind it's hotter than a fat hooker in church who got a ride from her fat sister in their Smart Car with no AC--one shouldn't discriminate on where to buy lemonade but here we are.
• "He who hesitates masturbates." -- Jim Carey in "The Cable Guy" which was on HBO EARLY Friday morning.  We were still on CDT and wide awake and not much else on on sucky hotel cable unless you're willing to pay.  And I'm just not a PPV kind of guy.