So the other day I was eating a bowl of frijoles with tacos while mowing the lawn and crossing the border when it struck me: I really need some new stereotypes. Not that I don't enjoy limiting my life to a handful of actions devoid of nuance and variation to validate bigots, it's just gotten a little tired.
Truth be told, it has to be just as tired for the bigots themselves. Seriously, if you still laugh at jokes about me liking beans or Asians being bad drivers, that laughter has to be as strained as that of a Bill Maher fan. And it has nothing to do with insensitivity or adapting to modern notions; it has to do with recognizing lame when you hear it.
If you tell me a joke that starts "What do you call a black guy..." you might as well put on a derby, elbow me in the ribs and say "look at the gams on that dish." So in the spirit of "out with the old, in with the new", here's a list of the only eight groups that matter, the stereotypes they are to shed, and the stereotypes they must adopt.
Hispanics
Old stereotypes: Greasy hair; eat beans; border hoppers; lazy; gardeners and maids; smell bad.
New stereotypes: Oldest child eats parent(s) when they turn 50; ejaculation occurs through nostrils; mediocre bowlers; excellent fly fishermen; incestuous pedophiles.
Asians
Old stereotypes: Short; bad drivers; good at math; tiny dicks; eat dogs; know karate; smell bad.
New stereotypes: Reproduce by pooping on each other's genitals during full moon; hymen grows back every April; when population reaches five billion, will form Astro-Titan: The Mega-Asian.
Gays
Old stereotypes: Effeminate; fashionable; decorators/stylists; limp-wristed; smell bad.
New stereotypes: Lower bodies detach and have sex while upper bodies (where the soul is) remain pure in the next room; have clear blood; cut one in half and it becomes two heterosexuals.
Women
Old stereotypes: None. Just a long, long list of well-established facts.
New stereotypes: Until first pregnancy, breasts produce icing; used tampons can be planted to grow less bitchy woman; can attempt everything a man can do; are all ugly (until you need a BJ).
Muslims
Old stereotypes: Terrorists; subjugate women; wear beards/turbans; live in caves; smell bad.
New stereotypes: Still wear turbans, but for time-travel purposes; in addition to the face, females also wear veils over the uterus; 70% curry + 30% goat; just blow up for no reason.
Blacks
Old stereotypes: Ebonics; athletic; like fat white girls; yell at movies; big dicks; poor; drink Kool-Aid/malt liquor; love fried chicken/crack; wear grills/chains/baggy clothes; smell bad.
New stereotypes: Like nice houses, fancy cars, fine wines, attractive white girls, elegant clothes and first-rate cuisine. But, darn the luck, still can't afford any of that. See "Old stereotypes."
Jews
Old stereotypes: Big noses; cheap; lawyers/doctors; self-loathing/guilt; killed Jesus; smell bad.
New stereotypes: Molest boys to compensate for Catholic slacking; kill three televangelists every Easter; girls can swallow if a rabbi blesses it; circumcised foreskins are fed to the Jew-god: Zondor.
Whites
Old stereotypes: Trailer trash; can't dance; racists; get unfair advantages; uptight; feel entitled; and according to every black comic in the 90s they "be crazy." (Smell wonderful)
New stereotypes: Never hypocritical; never generalize; never rationalize bullshit. And never act like pussies by leaving "in-your-face" comments while hiding behind the anonymity of the internet.
- Your Friendly Neighborhood RoboJesus
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Washington DC is now allowing gay marriage. As if there wasn't enough ass-fucking in Washington! That's not a political jab; I'm talking about the serial rapist, the DC Sodomizer. Isn't it weird that him and John McCain are never in the same place at the same time? I'm just saying.
Democrats are turdburglars
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