Fixing the Illinois Budget--with a new tax

The state of Illinois has a budget this morning--one that puts the state in more debt and will last only five months. Obviously the old ways of doing things don't work. And raising my income taxes isn't the answer.

I say do away with the state income tax altogether. Our employers already take upwards of 40% of our salary and "pay" it to the federal government for services many of us will never get the chance to use. Instead, I give you the Fat Tax. With apologies to my large and lovely readers, Illinois is full of fatness. With the number of fatties in the Chicago metro area alone, the Illinois deficit would be erased in less than 5 years.

I know there are questions. How would we impose such a tax? How is this tax even remotely fair? How much would the tax be? And who gets to say what "fat" is in order to impose the tax? All good questions. And I have plenty of "Obama-esque" answers for you.

First the tax would be imposed at state license facilities. When people go to obtain or renew their Illinois licenses or state IDs the state employee (likely to be a lard ass themselves) will use certain (yet to be determined) "measurements" to see if the person should be a tax payer. The possibilities of measurements are seemingly endless and a variety of such could make the tax "fair." There could be a scale, measuring tape or even the good ol' fashioned "eye ball test"--if you look fat then you probably are. Got more gut than butt? Fat Tax imposed! More belly than boobs? Fat Tax! Can't see your waist without looking in the mirror? You guessed it. Can't reach your lower appendages to put on lotion or tie your shoes? Tax that ass. We could even get fancy and use BMI and height/weight ratios. Doesn't matter to me. Don't want/can't pay the tax? No license. And since driving without an license or with an expired one is illegal (and depending on the cop can actually land you in County) it would be easy.

Even Republicans can get down with this tax because such a tax would be imposed on the rich and poor alike, with poor/lower middle class people making up a good proportion of fatties. And it's constitutional too. It doesn't discriminate against race, color, national origin, sex--Illinois is a melting pot of fat folk.

Along with the Fat Tax we can have the Obese Kid Tax. Got a fat kid? Pay a tax. This tax wouldn't be imposed until the kid was at least 5. We'll give baby fat the benefit of the doubt. But if a kid is eating Flammin' Hot Cheetos for breakfast, McDonald's for lunch and bag of chips for dinner, the parent should pay. Enforcing this one is easier than the Fat Tax. All kids have to go to school. Certain "measurements" will be taken at school (or require physicals for the kids by a doctor of the parents' choosing every year) and if the kid doesn't measure up, the parent pays the tax. Parent doesn't pay, the kid doesn't graduate. Tax that ass every year up and through high school--parent doesn't pay the bill, then no diploma. That's not fair to the kids you say. If the child knows its future is in jeopardy they will work to not be fat--and bug their parents to pay the tax as if it were a new cool toy. Or get a job and pay it themselves. (Teach them a little responsibility for themselves too).

And that's the point of the Fat Tax. It is to force people to live healthier while raising revenue for a state that has no idea what to do with it's money. The Fat Tax would raise so much money that all the corrupt politicians would be able to line their pockets and we'd STILL be able to offer social services. While the point would be to try and get people "healthy", most won't. Most people will just pay the tax and continue to live fat. Fatness is a badge of honor around here. It's referred to as "thickness" or bragged about as an ability to absorb more liquor. Muffin tops, spare tires and belly overhang is NOT sexy, but here in Illinois, we don't care. It keeps us warm in those cold winters and is a result of having children (at least that's what we tell ourselves). But in reality that's B.S.

As far as amounts I have no idea. Income tax is a certain percentage of income; perhaps the Fat Tax should be equal to the percentage over BMI a person is times $1,000. Or the number of inches over ones waistline their gut hangs times $1,000. I'm not an economist or an actuary. Let the numbers nerds figure that part out.

I personally would be more diligent in getting into shape if I knew I'd be taxed for my belly. Income taxes don't phase me--I'm used to them. Since I've been able to work, the government has been taking my money. To protest I'd have to stop working. And if I'm not working, I'm not eating, which means I'd have to engage in criminal enterprise to sustain myself. Not a good look. But I can protest a Fat Tax by not being fat. I can avoid paying the Obese Child Tax by making sure my kid(s) eat healthy and exercise.

In a country that already taxes income, sin, gasoline, and inheritance, we're ready for such a seemingly obscene tax. Tax people's waistlines and the message hits home twice. It affects their pockets and gives them incentive to avoid taxation. No more charitable giving to avoid income tax. No more paying employees cash to avoid employer taxes. In a state where at least 70% of the people are fat, the Fat Tax would raise money from the success guts to those who genetically can't help themselves to those who just don't give a damn about what they eat or drink, all the while (hopefully) reducing the waistlines of many.

How about it governor Quinn? I'm guessing this wouldn't be a winner in Springfield, given the size of the guts I've seen on our esteemed lawmakers. But it's what's best for the people. Don't tax my hard earned money. Tax the lard in my lazy ass instead.