This was the first in a series of one, of fake interviews I conducted here at work. I have done other interviews but never at work. Johnny had just left SUA to go Florida and quickly came back when he realized how much that decision sucked. So, we treated him like a new employee and well...just read it!
INTERVIEW!
People ask me..."iz3y, why are you so mean to the new employees at SUA?"
My usual reply is "because i can be!" I mean who are these people that i have to be nice to them? What have they done for me lately? We buy them lunch, we give them cubes stocked with supplies and they want me to be nice. Yeah, i can see why they need my hello...my prompt service. Those poor babies have suffered enough.
Ultimately, though, my responsibility is to the FAM, and if the FAM wants me to be nicer, then fine, I will respect that.
LADIES AND GENTLEMAN, let us extend a warm SUA welcome to our new employee. In the utmost respect for this person, I sat down and interviewed him and even included a few pics so that when you see him in the hallway, you will recognize him and offer a consoling and friendly hello. Let me preface this interview by saying, this man is a true character, and please brace yourselves for this truly unique experience.
SUA NEWEST EMPLOYEE:
Name: Johnner Guadalupe Londono
Dept: IT (QA)
Title: UAT ANALYST / Talent Evaluator / Coffee Boy
Hobbies: Basketball/Soccer/knitting/manicures
Age: 27 (34 actual age)
Height: 5'8" 1/2
Weight: ???
Shoe Size: 14 (11 without extended toe box)
Where are you from?
JGL: "I am from Plano, Texas, but part of my schtick with woman is I tell them I am from Cali, Columbia...I even have the accent to verify this line. Watch....Heeey ladies...jouw want to go dancing or sonthing? It is great...works like a charm!"
me: "Very disturbing...owwww....damn man, I am sure you just kicked me...and you are a good 10 feet awat!"
JGL: "Sorry...point shoes are a hazard that I have had to deal with in order to keep up this facade of a latin player. Wait..is this interview going public...I better use my accent...just in case the ladies are reading!"
me: "why are you fixing your eyebrows and mustache like the guy from Coming to America...no one can see you."
What brings you to SUA?
JGL: " I love IAN...i am enamored with .... I mean.... (JGL slips into his phoney accent) "I feeeel, that i could make all the deeeeference and take theees company to the freeeeaking TOP!"
me: "top of what, and why are still kicking me!"
JGL: "TO THE TOP...This company could have all kinds of freaking HAND!"
me: "what the hell are you talking about? oh...you watch Seindfeld...i get it now. Not very "latin Playerish" now is that. I mean, shouldn't you be quoting telenovelas or making up slang terms like our resident Peruvian Prince?"
JGL: "It's Seinfeld...he is universal....wait...PERUVIAN...oh as long as he isn't a freaking Argentianian...I can STAND freaking Argentinians due to my Columbian roots!"
me: "aren't you from Texas?"
JGL: "yes, but remember the back story is that I am from Cali, Columbia...for the ladies edification"
What is it that you will bring to the Company?
JGL: "Style, latin flavor mostly..."
me: "you realize you're in a IT role right...and why are you dancing?"
JGL: "that's me baby...that is how i freaking do!"
me: "seriously, ur stepping on my toes with those things...also, i think your scorpion chain just hit me in the head.
JGL: "can you feel the music...the congas, the trumpets, the drums...."
me: "what music u psychotic...."
JGL: "YEAH....LIVIN' THE VIDA LOCA!!!! you say something...i wass grooving to my main mang RICKY MARTIN!"
me: "naw...i am good!"
What goals have you set up for yourself? What r u trying to achieve?
JGL: "look...i don't know about all these questions? I am just living in the freaking moment. What happens happens...you hear me ladies!?!?!"
me: "what ladies man...there is no one else around...and damn...is that your cologne?"
JGL: "You like it huh...my own blend of Michael Jordan and Derek Jeters colognes. together they are freaking ridiculous!"
me: "I am sure i am permantly scarred. What is that in your hand?"
JGL: "a couple pictures for the ladies. I need you to post them in this interview...for the ladies!"
me: "u sure?"
JGL: "OF COURSE I AM FREAKING SURE...THIS IS GOLD...THIS IS FREAKING GOLD!!!!"
me: "wow..."
JGL: "i know right...it is too much. Can you handle the rush of woman that is about to come?"
me: "i think i'm good. Wait..what is that rusted out shitbox behind you?"
JGL: "That is the RIDE! Tinted Windows, four doors....wheels. FREAKING GREAT!
me: "wait you have more pics?"
JGL: "of course...hey can you blow these up to poster size? Or would that cause a stampede?"
JGL: "I mean look at me here...this is crazy! I think i should charge you posting these!"
me: "naw dude...i think we're good!"
JGL: "where is my other one? The one with my crew!"
me:" sorry...here we go"
me: "why is that one guy all alone over there?"
JGL: "what guy...I only see the star in the Center. There is only ONE GUY you should be focusing on. Not my damn body double!"
JGL: "Let me ask you something. Are there gonna be any Italians working there. I hate them more than freaking Argentinians. Skinless Alligators!"
me: "what the hell does that mean?"
JGL: [dropping the accent] I am not really sure. I heard it used one day and i thought it was a fabulous line. ohhh...slipped up didn't I? [returning to accent] "Freaking scumbags!"
me: "well i hope you enjoy ur stay here. You will find we are all pretty cool and helpful if you need anything...'
JGL: "lunch!"
me: "what..what you mean?"
JGL:"I need freaking lunch. where can i get chilli, a hamburger, fries, Extra Large Coke, and another hamburger? I have to eat light...watching my figure. I am a freaking atlete!"
me: "WOW!"
JGL: "I know...ever see an indoor rainbow?"
me: "i meant wow...how are u still alive after eating all that? and an indoor rainbow...isn't a rainbow the universal sign for....uh forget it!"
JGL: "YEAH...a rainbow...i am a freaking RAINBOW...and indoor RAINBOW!!!!"
And there you have it...our first welcome to SUA interview. I hope you all enjoyed it, and see that I have made the effort to welcome a new employee to the fold, and to the family.
this is iz3y saying..
JGL: "don't you think i should do the freaking exit...I mean i am the RAINBOW!!!"
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