Interview: Meet The Schweez!

Conducted in September 2008

I am back and proud to be able to conduct this next interview. Getting an audience with this guy is as hard as it gets. I traversed various neighborhoods and gin joints just hoping to find an in, and finally my day has come. As I drive to Casa de Schwertz, a few things cross my mind. Specifically, how the hell does a Puerto Rican kid from Bridgeport get a name like Schwertfeger? I had more questions but my thoughts were interrupted when I arrived at the Casa. I was immediately approached by a guy who asked me tons of questions about Stats and other useless shit. Past him was the sprawling bachelor pad and complete with typical velvet couches, oil paintings of tigers and Schwertz himself, and what looked like a half naked woman sneaking out the back door. Who is Shadez? Only one way to find out, so with collar loosened and sitting a room with the smell of a freshly lit Cloves cigarette I began…

THE INTERVIEW OF SHADEZ!

THE INTRO
Me: thanks for letting me hang out man…who the hell was that at the door?
JS: you talking to me? Sorry, the cloves are kicking in, and well you know…HAHAHA
Me: nope…know what? It’s a cigarette man, why are you getting the munchies? And do u know u resemble the hell out of REN from REN And STimpy?
JS: Cigarrette…right…right…(winks) sure. REN..must be a classy guy…HAHAHAH
Me: Yeah…so the guy at the door?
JS: my butler..yeah he got hit on the head and now spews nothing but useless stats. Great for taking out my trash though…HAHAHA
Me: NICE! Why do you always laugh…
JS: I don’t know..HAHAHAHA

LOVE LIFE
ME: so do you have a special lady in your life man? It looks like a bad 70s porn set here…so I am saying no.
JS: come on man…pshshshsh…you know how I do. I just flash the smile, apply the gel, and put the money on the table. All good! …HAHAAH
ME: Can your hair really withstand hurricane type winds and what kind of gel is it?
JS: Oh yeah, without a doubt. I am not sure I can reveal my gel brand, but all I have to say is that a smart guy at NASA hooked me up….HAHAHA
Me: Wow…that is impressive. What the hell is that smell?
JS: My bad…can’t leave the cologne open like that…too much for you to handle. SEX PANTHER…sick stuff right? …HAHAH
Me: mos def…please put it away. Did I see someone run out of here like 2 min ago?
JS: Yep…cleaning lady. …HAHAH
ME: looked old
JS: YOU KNOW I HOW I DO! …HAHAHA
ME: I am not high fiving u!

POLITICS
ME: Obama or McCain?
JS: Huh? Do I look like a political guy? Deron Williams or Chris Paul. Pepsi or Coke (PEPSI btw). These are the real issues. Though Palin looks like a hot librarian. I might get political now.
ME: ur way quieter than I expected…whats up with that?
JS: I gotta keep on the down low…under the radar…you know.
ME: no idea…and please put a cap on the cologne…dear god!
JS: being quiet equals mysterious…dangerous…
ME: lonely?
JS: huh? I was doing my hair…huh?
Me: nothing…so u like Palin?
JS: Who? Oh the hot Librarian…Oh yeah. Might have to text her. See if she’s down!

SPORTS
ME: What are your favorite sports teams?
JS: BEARS, BULLS, CUBS, and CHICAGO SKY OF THE WNBA…GO SKY!!!!
ME: Cubs huh…what the hell happened to you? You’re a Bridgeport native. You grew up in the shadow of Comiskey Park
JS: US CELLULAR
ME: low blow my friend
JS: Well I like the women.
ME: huh?
JS: See at SOX games they actually pay attention, at Wrigley…well they are impaired. Nothing like a little edge!
ME: wow….
ME: How did u start playing softball?
JS: well I just took my love of sports and beer and decided to fuse them together. Normally, I play 16in, cause I like big soft balls, but I decided to go with a little something challenging.
ME: Any other Sports?
JS: BAGS! I am champ…I hustled for money as a kid. I dominated the streets. Some people play dice…I bag it up
ME: I have lost to you many times…the pizza flop technique…how?
JS: Lots of wrist work…LOTS!!!
ME: great…explains the lotions. IS that pina colada Butt Lotion?
JS: why ye…
ME: know what…don’t worry about it.

MUSIC
ME: What type of music do you like?
JS: I am down for whatever. House, Freestyle, House…reggaeton…Freestyle…
ME: nice, ur pretty diverse. It also explains the Fantasy Girl that is in the background but not the Hasselhoff poster…wow!!!
JS: I am half german dick. WE LOVE THE HOFF. I have his collection (a secret panel slides open revealing not a carefully stashed collection of porn but a glorious mountain of HOFF material.)
ME: dear lord…u have locks of his hair..Can I tou…
JS: Don’t even think about getting near that.
ME: you know his greatest contribution is Knight Rider right?
JS: Whoa, pump ur breaks son before I go blitz krieg on ur ass. That man is a national treasure in Germany.
ME: he is American..ur American…
JS: settle down…just listen to this cd and tell me it sux!
ME: (listens and almost vomits) it sux.
JS: [violent words in German]….
ME: relax man..just not my cup of tea
JS: YOU WILL CONFORM!!!!
ME: wow!
“don’t talk about the HOFF!

LIFE
ME: what is ur philosophy of on life man
JS: keep it quiet, and attack like a panther when the mood is right. You think this tiger printed robe is an accident. You think these silk sheets with cheetah spots are accidents. You think I get all faded up for nothing. Naw man..premeditated baby…premeditated. Ready for action…adventure…[phone rings] ‘Yeah mom, I will be by to pick up my laundry.’ Gotta jet…girl be calling.
ME: Dude that was ur mom!
JS: yeah..but no one knows that…not like ur going to publish this…HAIL THE HOFF, I AM OUT!!!